Warning: This chapter includes a graphic display of suicide ideation and suicide attempt
Mikasa was sitting on a bar stool, sipping something that definitely contained alcohol – the customer left it behind when he finished what he wanted to do – she preferred it to the murky brown water of the Underground, which made a lot of people sick.
Mikasa 2 years ago started to show that she is a woman – her body was changing, and her face was changing from the children's to the teenage one, which began to attract customers of the brothel – 3 years ago, on the black market, a lot of brothel owners were interested in her, not rich aristocrats with influence in the government. The kidnappers weren't happy, but they sold Mikasa to one of the owners of an illegal brothel in the southern part of the Underground—the customers didn't care that she was a child. The important thing was that she was attractive.
Marina came out from behind the beer barrels – a woman in her 20s with red curls in the shade of the setting sun, empty blue eyes and an emaciated figure – Mikasa was entrusted to Marina in the care of the brothel owner – Marina was cold and harsh, but she provided the girl with food, water and clothes or hygiene products such as soap.
"What's up, puppy?" – Marina asked in a hoarse voice – "Oh, I see that you wanted some alcohol"
"I prefer it over the dirty water we get from the surface," Mikasa replied, "At least I won't get sick from any germs in the water we receive
Marina laughed with her hoarse cackle, similar to a dog's barking, then took out a cigarette, lit it and handed it to the girl – she eagerly lit one. Mikasa inhaled and exhaled the smoke through her mouth.
- Have you finished your work for today? – she asked Marina Mikasa – Apparently Julianna got some rarities from a client and is planning to have a party
- I know what these rarities are – Marina explained shaking her head – It's an extra bar of scented soap and a bottle of expensive wine. And Julianna will certainly not share this
Mikasa made a surprised face, then took a cigarette and put it to her mouth – her lungs were filled with cigarette smoke, and Mikasa trampled on the cigarette butt with her shoe.
Mikasa did not look like a child despite her age, but she began to resemble a woman – the harsh conditions of the Underground forced her to grow up quickly, and Marina's care allowed her to live, not to rot in a musty corner of the brothel.
"I hope you don't come with any children," said Marina, " And I don't want anymore issues that we already have"
Mikasa didn't answer, but took another cigarette out of Marina's pack of cigarettes. She didn't want to talk about it – in the end, it ended up that Marina got accidentally pregnant 4 months ago – the woman didn't know about it and lost the baby. Mikasa still remembered clearly how the prostitute's crotch was covered with fresh blood, and something bloody lied between her feet – it was Marina's fetus.
Marina lit Mikasa's cigarette, and Mikasa put it to her lips – the girl's upbringing from before the murder of her parents was forgotten to a greater extent – what remained were table manners and the ability to read or write. Most teenage whores still didn't know how to do any of these things – if they did, they were muttering letter by letter until Marina's ears were bleeding to death.
The rest of Mikasa's behavior, on the other hand, was shaped by the harsh conditions of the Underground – she was rude and mean to some extent, she pretended to be an innocent prostitute well in front of her clients. Mikasa, who was standing next to Marina, was not innocent or naïve – but a selfish teenage prostitute who had to fight her way not only in the brothel but also in the Underground. Such was the oriental beauty she was. But that doesn't mean that Mikasa was horrible to others – she sometimes helped kids in need that she saw on the streets of the Underground– and she tried to support other girls who had just ended up in this hell, a nightmare with no escape.
Mikasa's goal was the same as any other woman who ended up in this brothel—to charm some wealthy aristocrat enough to pull her out of this shithole and give her citizenship on the surface—nothing else mattered.
Mikasa lost the smile she had, except for the fake smile for her clients – the eyes became empty, they became alive with artificial light while working, but they were dead, lifeless. The girl's black silky hair reached to her waist and her skin porcelain-pale – like everyone here, Mikasa had lost a lot of weight and became skinny as a skeleton – despite this, the customers still considered her an exotic beauty.
Marina, however, was not able to guess that it was on the teenager's head – the woman considered the Asian girl to be a girl that got adapted to the situation, who did everything to do not rot in this hole.
The truth, however, was very different from what Marina assumed in her head.
Mikasa had no desire to go any further, no strength to do her job – day after day, serving customers in the hope that one of them would be so enchanted by Mikasa so much that he would take her to the surface and guarantee the girl citizenship there. Sounds like a fairy tale.
It's just that life is not a fairy tale.
Mikasa had a plan to end it that day – to escape from the brothel after a cigarette with Marina, after her last client for the day – and somewhere in a sleazy alley to cut her wrists. The teenager did not have the strength to move forward. It all hurt her too much.
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Mikasa was sitting in the corner of the alleyway, on the other side of the Underground, in that white dirty dress with ragged edges, the oversized jacket that the customer had left her a year ago. Her chafe brown boots hung from her feet like a skeleton, not like a living person.
Her empty, dead eyes watched the environment around her, preparing to inflict something on herself from which there was no return – in her head there were endless images, memories that Mikasa would rather forget, get rid of permanently from her head. But it didn't work like that. All the pain that the girl wanted to bury and bury forever would forever break her soul into fragments.
Mikasa held a razor blade in her left hand – swallowing tears and apologizing to Marina over and over again, the teenager mustered up her courage. One deep cut after another on both wrists – feeling pain, knowing that death was near, Mikasa fell to the ground, breathing shallowly.
In the distance there were paintings, blurred silhouettes of people walking towards her, people Mikasa didn't know at all – a man knelt next to Mikasa and asked hollowly, as if from behind a wall:
"If you want to die, why are you trying to stop the bleeding?" - The man asked dryly
Mikasa did not have the strength to answer this question.
Someone lifted her feather-light body and put her hand on his foreign shoulder – Mikasa was closing and her eyes were forced to close. She was close to dying and she knew it.
Because I want to live and I want to die at the same time.
That's was how Mikasa wanted to answer that question.