An existence whose divinity was no less than that of the gods themselves. The strongest of the strong. His strength was so great, that he could shake mountains.
His magic was so unparalleled, that it dazzled like the sun.
His voice was so angelic, it could summon rain.
His intelligence was so unrivaled, he could speak to both the living and the dead.
"Yeah, yeah, and his dick so big it could pierce the heavens, and his balls so heavy they caused space-time to bend," a bored voice cut through the grandeur.
The royal court froze in stunned silence. Even the old king on his throne blinked in disbelief. All eyes turned toward the source of the irreverent remark—a young man in his twenties with a disheveled outfit, messy black hair, and an utterly forgettable face. He knelt on the carpet as custom demanded, but his unimpressed expression clashed sharply with the respectful posture.
"MIND YOUR LANGUAGE, LEOLLANARDLIVOV LILIVILION!" roared the old academy headmaster standing next to the king, his white beard bristling with outrage.
Leo—for that's what the young man preferred to be called—grimaced. "First off, how do you even remember that name? It's been 22 years, and I can't pronounce it right. Just call me Leo."
The headmaster coughed awkwardly, stroking his beard. "Leollan—I mean, Leo—you may be frustrated, but court decorum must be respected."
"Respect?" Leo scoffed, rolling his eyes. "I've had to listen to your King Solaris speech 115 times. That's straight-up torture."
Embarrassed, the headmaster fumbled with his staff, but Leo wasn't done. "And another thing—how much longer do I have to kneel here listening to this? Can we fast forward to the part where I reject whatever nonsense quest you're trying to force on me?"
The court announcer cleared his throat nervously and continued as if nothing had happened.
"The great king Solaris, using the last of his powers, divided Solaria into countless continents. Before his passing, he foretold that one day, a hero would rise, walk the path of righteousness, and reunite the world—restoring balance to heaven and hell. Since then, for 500 years, we have sent forth our most valiant warriors to fulfill this prophecy. Today, the king and the magic academy have chosen—"
"I reject!" Leo cut in before the announcement could be completed. Gasps filled the hall. The young man shrugged nonchalantly. "Just so you know, yesterday I licked a kid's lollipop when he wasn't looking. The day before that, I caught a mosquito and with a needle, I stabbed it to death. And remember that time the city fountain water turned yellow? Yeah, that was me. I pee in the fountain every night because I can't afford an inn with a bathroom."
"What?!"
"No way!"
"I wash my face with that water!" a nobleman gagged, vomiting his breakfast onto the marble floor.
Leo beamed proudly. "Oh, and sometimes I dress up as a girl and flirt with guys to extort money out of their pockets. So if you're looking for the most righteous person in the kingdom, I'm probably dead last."
The headmaster's face twitched with barely contained fury. With a flick of his staff, he cast a spell. "Arcane magic: voice restraint!"
A shimmering blue strap wrapped around Leo's face, silencing him mid-sentence. The headmaster turned to the court. "As the king and academy have decided—"
"Shut up, you're hurting my ears," the headmaster snapped at the narrator before continuing in a booming voice. "Leo! The academy and royal court have chosen you as the hero to save the world. Will you accept this sacred mission?"
Leo, wide-eyed and dumbfounded, struggled against the magical restraint. The headmaster sighed and snapped his fingers, releasing the strap.
Leo gasped for air. "No way! I'm not playing scapegoat for your suicidal hero fantasy!"
The king leaned forward, a cunning smile on his face. "What if we compensated you for your travels? Name your price."
Leo sneered. "Do I look like someone who can be bought with money?"
"Yes," the king said flatly.
"Tsk—how much are we talking?" Leo asked, crossing his arms.
"100 gold coins," the king offered.
"No deal."
"Then how much?"
Leo hesitated, clearly out of his depth. "Uh... 150. Yeah, I'll take 150."
The king chuckled, and the headmaster barely suppressed a laugh. Realization dawned on Leo—he'd just lost a bargain.
"Thump, thump!" The headmaster struck his staff against the floor. "It's settled. Leo will be this decade's chosen hero. He shall leave the kingdom within seven days or be captured and burned in eternal flames."
"WHAT?!" Leo yelled, but the restraint spell snapped back over his mouth.
The king rose from his throne. "Hereby, the 51st attempt to find the prophesied hero is complete. Court dismissed."
A blinding light engulfed Leo, and the next thing he knew, he was tumbling down the white marble stairs outside the royal palace.
"ARGH!" he groaned, hitting the ground with a thud. Gritting his teeth in pain, he stood up, turned to face the palace, and shouted, "Fuck you all, you sons of bit—"
BANG! Something heavy hit his head, cutting off his rant. His vision blurred as he rolled down the steps, landing face-first on the ground.
"Fuck my luck," he muttered, nursing his bleeding nose. Spotting the small cloth pouch that had hit him, he kicked it in frustration, sending gold coins flying through the air.
"Fuck my luck for real!" he wailed, scrambling to collect the coins. As he did, a green-blue bird resembling a parrot swooped down toward him.
"Chirp, chirp! Leo! Important news!" the bird squawked like a broken record.
"Screw your news. I couldn't care less," Leo grumbled, stuffing the coins back into the pouch. The mystical parrot perched stubbornly on his head.
"What happened? What happened?" the bird asked, pecking at his hair.
Leo sighed, staring up at the blue sky and fluffy white clouds. "Nothing much. I got chosen to play the hero. As expected."
"Chirp? Shouldn't Leo be happy?"
"Happy? For what?" Leo scoffed, wiping his nose on his sleeve. "This whole hero thing is just a glorified death sentence. 'The world used to be one' and 'bring balance to heaven and hell'... all bullshit."
He walked through the bustling market, dodging curious glances. "In truth, they just send someone they want to get rid of. Every single 'hero' they've sent for the past 500 years? None of them ever came back."
The bird's eyes darkened as it nuzzled against Leo's head. "So sad, so sad. Humans are greedy!"
"Tell me about it," Leo muttered. "All they gave me was 150 gold coins—like that'll help me cross the skies."
As the sun dipped lower, Leo kept walking until he reached a lively building pulsing with colorful lights and music. A mischievous smirk spread across his face.
"If I'm doomed to die, I might as well not die a virgin," he declared, stepping confidently into the bar with the pouch of gold coins clutched tightly in his hand.