All my life,I envied those who died by drowning. You know, finding yourself surrounded by water, knowing no one's ever going to rescue you,that your family's never getting you back or if they did, you'd be dead. Not to forget the feeling of every single part of your soul leaving you in order to make allowance for the water filling your Body,IN AND OUT. Screaming and Struggling till your last breath is filled with H2O instead of Oxygen.
Yeah,it's a terrible experience,i only make it sound tempting because it was oddly something I always wanted to experience. It made more sense to be filled with something physical which everyone could see therefore making sense of it by saying "The water killed her,she drowned" Rather than being filled with Misery therefore confusing people and making them say "We don't know why she did it,but all we can say is that she took her own life" That doesn't sound fun at all, I'd still be blamed even after death.
Now, you humans are quick to judge and you're probably thinking that I'm crazy. However if you had a life relatively close to mine, it would make drowning one of the things on your To-do list too. My LIFE gave DYING more meaning than being ALIVE. Oh! the irony.
I wasn't supposed to be proud of the life I lived, Waking up everyday, doing the same thing over and over like I was being forced to live out a routine, surrounded by people who didn't give a shit about you but still had the guts to call you Their "Child"and not to forget,the neighbours,those no good people pleasers, What more could I ask for? I had everything people didn't want already. "Stay alive and maybe one day, you'd find a reason to do so" I'd often say to myself.
I'd seen alot of people having a purpose, achieving their dreams or having something to keep them going,those lucky morons!
I on the other hand, was unique on that aspect, talented? Maybe, Willing? No. I was a "realist" I saw things for what they were and never what they could be, And still I wondered why I had no motivation. I felt like there was nothing this world had to offer however one thing kept me going, the question keeping me wide awake at night "What if I die,then what?" I didn't know,as a Matter of fact no one did. But think about it, A dying person would wish for the life they had to continue even if it was pathetic?! Something was going on that I didn't know about, Is all this living worth dying for?
Curious as I was, I had to find the answer to this question before taking my life, I was everything but stupid, I wasn't going to give up what other people yearned for because that would be a waste,or perhaps, I didn't actually want to end my life,because if I did, I wouldn't make excuses. Humans Make excuses when they don't want to do something and do everything possible if they did.
However,I had no zeal for life, and if you're wondering why I was so despondent,then please join me as we have the same question in mind, that's the thing with depression, you'll never know what started it. Sneaky little fella that thing is. I had no one to turn to,I was gasping for air,I desperately needed to feel like I was breathing for the very first time in my life, I was missing something, however I didn't know what exactly.
Life wouldn't have been a whirlwind if I started taking responsibility for myself, I thought someone had to change me ,make me happy, give me a chance to prove myself, be proud of me, help me start up my life and what not. I looked for that person for long, however,the person accompanied me to search for itself.
I needed an answer,but what was the question? I was DROWNING but no one saw me struggle.