My stomach roils, regardless I keep eating. My hand mines through the packet. It feeds me whilst the other scrolls obsessively through the unending list of unanswered texts. Vanko won't let up. I suppose the godly thing to do, as I've been raised to do, is to forgive him. But I can't. He didn't just hurt me. He hurt Kenji, too, and that's unforgiveable. It feels like forgiving him and absolving him of what he did would just... invalidate all what we went through, suffering silently for years and I'm only now picking up the pieces.
My hand grasps air. I look down at the empty family-size chip packet that I completely gorged through. Disgusted with myself, I look up. Kenji looks back at me, lounging on the long sofa. He eyes me with a critical look. He glances pointedly at the chip packet with an expression that says what he doesn't.
Alexia is sprawled on the mattresses on the floor. She tips her head back and catches us trading intense glares. The air is so fraught with tension, so tangible that it must've even disturbed her.
She rolls over and grabs the remote, then pauses the movie. "Okay. What's with you two?"
I sever eye contact. I look at the TV screen.
"Nothing can you resume, please. This is my favorite scene."
"Once you two fix whatever the hell this is."
Neither of us say anything.
"Seriously?" she whines.
"He came, didn't he?" I point out. "If I was upset, don't you think I would've cancelled?"
"You have nothing to be upset about."
I fling a dagger glare at him.
"That's it." Alexia stands up, wearing a black crop top and pajama pants. "I'm going to use the bathroom. Maybe I'll stop by the kitchen and steal a bottle of wine from your mom's locked stash. Before I get back, you two better have made up."
She stomps across the mattresses and leaves the lounge.
Both of us persevere in stubborn silence. Forsaking my pride, I yield.
"I'm sorry," I declare. "I know you were just looking out for me."
He lifts his head from the pillow and looks back at me again, his face scrunching up into a taut expression. "It's not okay. What you been doing, looking a lot like what you did. And I don't want to see you go through that again."
I release a breath, and my shoulders deflate. "What do you want from me?"
"To take your pain, your trauma, seriously. Face your issues instead of smiling through them the whole time or you'll end up at the hospital again."
"It won't happen again," I mutter.
"You said that the last time," he snaps.
I rise and trundle over to the long sofa, kneeling beside him. He looks away from me and sets his eyes on the screen.
"Look at me," I murmur.
He meets my gaze grudgingly.
"I know. Okay, I'm trying—I tried. It's just hard for me."
"Sometimes you need to put yourself first. You can't help others if you're drowning, too. Save yourself first." A troubled look enters his eyes. He heaves himself upright. "You've been acting different ever since we found out that Vanko moved back."
I sit back down on my haunches. "No..."
"Is that what triggered your ED?"
I glare up at him through my eyelashes. "I'm eating normally."
"Says the girl that was barely eating one day and the next, wolfed down a big mac meal and a family size packet on her own." He slants forward, looking around furtively before speaking in hushed tones. "Has he tried to—"
"No," I say reflexively.
You should tell him. I don't want him to worry. He's already worried.
I'm just so tired and I don't want to deal with this anymore.
"Kenji, look. I know I handled things badly before, but really, I did the best that I could at that age." I waver. "Not that I'm much better now, but I'm working on it, okay? You've seen how far I've come."
He concedes a small smile. "I have, and I'm proud of you."
I tug at his pants. "Laughter is the best medicine and as long as I have you in my life. I'll be fine."
He leans forward. But he doesn't stop. Squealing, he falls on top of me, lacing his arms around my torso, and we topple over onto the mattress.
Laughing, I ask, "What are you doing?"
"Giving you a dose of vitamin me since you're deficient."
My laugh loudens. "How long have you been waiting to use that one?"
He drops beside me, turning his head to look at me with a no-nonsense look. "I know you the way I know the rest of that movie," he says, throwing his thumb to point back at the screen.
"I'll ask you one time. Where's Gamora?" I test.
He frowns at me like he's offended. "I'll do you one better. Who's Gamora?"
We share a laugh and it fades to a short-lived serene silence.
"The point that I'm getting to is that I know you. Front all you like, but I can see the pain behind that gorgeous smile. So give me that pain." He lifts his shoulders up to settle on his one elbow, staring down at me with a dour look. "Why are you holding onto that weight when you have me to carry it for you? I just want you to talk to me. Because it's me."
I remain flat on my back, looking up at him to match his seriousness. "And I want you to trust me. I'm fine. And if I'm not, you'll be the first to know."
"Promise?"
"I—"
Alexia drifts inside like a cool breeze. "Jeez, I said make up not make out."
Kenji's eyes constrict into slits. "Mind your mouth."
"Whatchu you going to do about it?"
Kenji swipes his leg, cutting her balance from beneath her, and her side smacks against the mattress.
She gapes at him; fright devolves into fight and she rushes back at him. "I don't know who you thought you were doing that to, thinking that you're some type of anime character." She grabs his leg, and with the strength of a Spartan, pulls his heft towards her. "But I am not the one!"
"Get off, she-devil!" He jerks up his fist like he's going to use it.
"Kenji."
"What! It's not like I'm gonna hit a girl." He faces her with a jeering smile. "I'm gonna hit Alex."
She pounces on him and I lunge to hold her back.
He laughs provokingly. "Yeah, put the little bitch on a leash."
Just for that crude comment. I let the she-devil go.
¬¬¬
I open my locker.
And it's decked from shelf to base with boxes of Ferror Rocher and Lindt chocolate. A collection of fine assorted confections overpopulating the narrow space. I pluck off the note that's stamped on one of the boxes.
If I can't win your forgiveness. At least let me show you how sorry I am.
I can hear the smirk in his writing.
"Whoa."
I spin around.
Alexia walks up to me with her eyes hypnotized by the lifetime supply of top-tier chocolate.
I shut the locker. "You really gotta be sneaking up on me like that?"
She frowns. "I said, hey Amara, from like ten meters away. It's not my fault you be zoned out. Should I ask the obvious, or are you going to show me the courtesy of telling me who your secret admirer is?"
"Not my admirer," I correct.
"But he's a secret?" she retorts.
"It's no one important."
She shrugs exaggeratedly. "Then you'll have no problem with telling me who it is."
I free a grating groan. "You're insufferable sometimes."
"Add that to the list of my many charming traits. Now spill."
I scan the hallway feverishly, dropping my volume to a covert whisper. "It was your dad." I turn from her to open my locker up again, shunting boxes aside, hunting for my history textbook.
"Fine, I'll just ask Kenji, since he knows everything."
"Wait."
She swivels around slowly, wearing a victorious smile. "Waiting."
"He doesn't know everything," I amend vaguely. "A lot, but not all."
"Can you please get to the point?"
"It's from Vanko," I blurt.
Her eyes fill their sockets. "The new kid?" Her voice rising with each exclamation. "The new hot foreigner? That guy?"
"Could you lower your voice?" I say through gritted teeth. "Yes, okay, it was from him. Don't go telling anybody."
She gives me a 'you're dumb' look. "Who am I gonna tell when besides Alister? You and Kenji are the only two people I tolerate at this boojey school."
Panic flares. "Don't tell Kenji nothing."
She nods, then curiosity flickers in her eyes. "Wait, why? Keeping secrets from your boy now?"
I wince at that truth. I shake my head, giving denial free rein. "No, I just don't want Kenji stressing about this. He will blow off if he finds out, and it's not necessary because nothing is happening. The two of us have... a really unpleasant history with this guy."
She tilts her head to the side thoughtfully. "That may be, but clearly he's trying to wipe his slate."
"Buying my forgiveness ain't gonna work," I say thickly.
"Looks to me like he's just trying to get your attention." She shoulders her bag, prepping to leave. "Why don't you just hear him out? Frankly, I'm surprised. You're like the nicest person I know. He must be a real asshole if you won't hit him up."
"You have no idea."