I love him....I love him.... I love him.....
I know I do..... I've always loved him from the moment I was born... he's everything I've ever wanted... he's the guy of my dreams after all.....the ideal guy.....my Mr. Right..
I look at the bathroom mirror once more. I find myself staring at the girl I see. She's me and yet sometimes she seems like an acquaintance of mine. Why did it have to be me? Why was my fate sealed this way? But then again, it isn't just my fate. Everyone's fate has been this way for over a century now. My mother's fate was the same and so was my grandma's and her grandma's. Yet why does my fate feel wrong? Why doesn't it feel mine?
This is my daily life..... staring at the mirror every morning noon and evening. Telling myself the exact same words..... repeating the exact same lie in hopes that I might one day believe it.....in hopes that I may come to fool myself too as I have fooled everyone else all my life.....
Suddenly I'm interrupted from my thoughts by a knock at the door.
"Courtney?.... Courtney are you in there.... Courtney open this door right now!...Court....."
I open the door to the bathroom before a physician is called to my aid again by the belief that I have fainted out of being overwhelmed by my fiancee.
" Why do you always do this?" She asks sadly," she sadly asks ,"The poor guy always has to endure those bathroom breaks of yours on every date." She continues.
I check my watch and find that's it quarter past noon. Well that's a new record....last time I only made it till noon.
"I had to go that's all." I reply. I can't tell her my real reason. I can't tell anyone. How can you tell them that you don't want to marry your 'soulmate'.
This is my life now... betrothed to a stranger..... bathroom breaks between dates.....reaffirming my love for him.... marriage at eighteen.....it's everything I've ever wanted.....or so they tell me....
My life changed the day I turned seventeen and was introduced to my future husband....the perfect definition of a man....one that makes heads turn...one that everyone wants to marry...but I've really tried my best to see him as they do. To see him as my prince charming. But I never have and I don't think I ever will.
I find Montse staring at me as we head back to the dinning room.
" What's wrong?" She asks." Don't tell me you don't have any feelings for him?"
I try to fake a smile as I reply,"No, I just needed to get some air..."
" I know right, he's just too overwhelming. So what was it this time? The hair. The smile. The chin...."she interrupts hands on her chin as she stares at the distance smiling.
"Get a hold of yourself please. He's not an angel."I reply not knowing what to say.
"Maybe he is the angel." She objects while smiling from ear to ear.
I've always found Monse to be a very peculiar person. I've always wanted to be just like her. She's always herself. All of it. She can be mistaken for someone who thinks with her heart but that side she only shows to me. She's more of a logical person. It surprises me that she's okay with this system of marriage. But of course she is, she found her happily ever after through it.
How did my life turn out to be like this? I miss days when I'd just sit in my room by the window all day reading my novels and drifting off only to step at the growl of my tummy. Now my days are just full of dinner, lunch and morning dates with a guy I'm to wed in six months time. 'Enough time to fall in love or rather stay in love' they say.
They believed that the solution to divorces and unhappily ever afters would be to tell people who their soulmates were. Just picture all the ideal qualities one would look for in a partner. The seer would tell you who in this world matches those qualities and who would love you for you. Your only job now would be to find them and fall in love. But love wasn't the problem cause it was already someone you desired so you already loved them right?
When I turned sixteen, I was taken to see the seer. The seer or rather, Selene, saw me seated on a throne next to the heir of Starling holding hands and more happy than we could ever be. She saw my future. One I dreaded so much. One that every girl desired. Every girl but me. There she flipped my life by announcing of my great fortune, to wed a Prince. I, the daughter of an Earl, to marry the crown Prince. My fate and marriage was bound to bring good fortune to my family. It was something to be proud of. Yet I wasn't.
Ever since that day my life has been all about becoming the ideal wife. They raised me as one. One who knows how to cook, clean and embroider. One who can take care of children. One who listens and obeys. One with the perfect posture and manners. I always wondered what all that was for. I never minded any of it. I rather found joy in learning something new. But I never stopped asking myself, if we are everything our soulmates want... doesn't that mean we should just be ourselves cause they're bound to love us regardless right? Right?
We enter the living room and find my 'beloved' future husband at the dining still waiting for me. Lamian wakes up at the sight of us and walks towards us with worry in his eyes. Montse leaves as he approaches and goes to reassure my mother who's currently our chaperone, that I'm okay.
"Are you okay Courtney?" He asks.
"Yes I am. I just needed to powder my nose. That's all." I reply, guilt evident in my eyes. Powder my nose?! Really? I just couldn't find a better excuse could I. As long as it's enough to fool him. Whoever came up with powdering noses as an excuse to use the rest room was really brilliant. That could be an excuse for anything. Just say you need to powder your nose and boom.... you're off the hook.
He pulls out my chair for me to take a seat as he replies "Okay. I'm just glad you're okay. I don't know what I'd do if anything were to happen to you!"
I stare in his eyes. Look at him. Just look at those perfect sapphire eyes on that perfectly chiseled face. With his long silver hair that hang slightly beneath his broad shoulders. Look how perfect he is. What is there not to like. Some would even say a perfect being has never existed. Yet I don't feel anything not even the slightest bit of curiosity about him.
Ever since I met him all I've wanted was to be attracted to him or at least find him okay to be with. But not ever not even once has any emotion towards him sparked in me.
We continue having our lunch in silence as we stare at each other. After a while I suggest that we go for a walk before another topic of fine weather and balls is introduced. How I wish we could discuss books instead or at least learn something new other than getting the latest updates on who's going to give out invites so you could spend the evening watching them brag. That's pretty much what balls ever were to me. I never fancied them to begin with. None of it clicked in me. From the socializing down to the murderous dresses. Everything was too uncomfortable for my liking.
We head off to the gardens where we walk side by side with my mother and Montse behind us. Behind them of course there are two royal guards for the crown prince.
As if reading my mind, he asks, "I've been meaning to ask, have you read 'Married to the Devil's son'? I read it and I'd want your view on it. Would you be willing to marry someone if you knew he was the devil's son?"
"I don't think, like Hazel, I'll have a choice . In my case it'll be more of marrying my soulmate than an arranged marriage." I reply. "Why do you ask?"
"I'm just trying to get to know you more."He replies.
"That's funny cause you already have a manual about me. In addition, I'm your 'heart's greatest desire', so you pretty much know everything about me and maybe even you know more than I do." I reply. It later hits me that I just spoke my mind and was rude.
"Sorry about enquiring about you and asking for your details and interests. I didn't mean to offend you in any manner. It's also hard for me to have to marry someone I don't know and especially one who isn't of royal blood. It's got the whole palace at chaos.That's why I arranged for all the dates. To help us to get to know each other more." He replies before I could come up with an apology.
Almost forgot that besides me marrying him, he's marrying a nobleman's daughter without the slightest hint of royalty in her blood.
"So what are your other interests other than books?" I ask. Honestly I never once felt the need to read the manual on him. If he's my soulmate as everyone says then I'm guessing he loves poetry as well as books.
"I love poems, I do write some if you'd like to hear them. Though I wouldn't say they've reached a Shakespeare's level but I'm somewhere if I do say so myself." He replies anxiously.
"Let me be the judge of that. So, wow me and I'll tell you where you at." I reply. To me, poems aren't just words. It's someone pouring out their soul to you. I've read poems from the greatest of poets. I know them by heart and I've always found a great interest in them. I'd definitely want to hear what his will be about if not love, and what depth of emotion it carries.
"Ahem!!", he clears his throat as we make a stop near the fountain,
"I found beauty in your eyes,
One that's not a lie,
Can you hear my heart's cries,
Longing for you to be mine,
Tell me what's the price,
Name it don't think twice,
What does it take, and I'll give it a try."
"Ooh", I stand there in disbelief not knowing what to say. What should I answer when that was more of a 'how can I win your heart' kind of poem rather than a sample of his work. I hear my mother and Montse praising Lamian's poem from behind and it doesn't help with my 'oh' for a response.
"You knew? All this time you've known that I don't have any feelings for you whatsoever yet you never said a word..." I reply.
"Sorry but you made it so obvious. I mean every girl I've ever met looks at me with eyes that I only wish you would look at me with," he replies sadly," It doesn't matter though. As I said I'll do anything I can to win your heart."
He looks deep into my eyes a bit longer before stretching out his arm," Shall we continue?" He asks. I nod taking his hand.
We continue our walk past the stables as I'm lost in thoughts. Was I really that obvious? For how long did he know? I really should try harder but I don't know how to fall in love with someone. Does it naturally happen or do you just do some certain things to show them that you do. I'll definitely need to ask either mother or Montse later in the evening.
The sun's rays painting the evening sky with a goodbye kiss interrupt my thoughts. I stop to stare. "How lovely! No matter how many times I look at sunsets, I will never get used to them. It's such a spectacular display of art with it's colors painting the sky for all to share in it's serenity and joy. It's a beautiful creation."
Lamian looks at me and replies," Yes it is." Did I just say that out loud? How didn't I notice? "Sunsets or stars?" He asks as he turns to face me.
Turning, I reply, "Stars."
"Why stars?" He asks curiosity evident in his eyes.
"Cause they show the beauty in the dark,"I answer, "what about you?"
"I'd have to say sunsets." He replies with a smile, "cause they bring out the color of your eyes."
How cliche of him. Of course his reason had something to do with me. I smile as we head back to the living room. Lamian bids me off with a gentle kiss on my palm. He says goodbye to my mother and Montse before he leaves with his guards behind him. Not a second after my mother and Montse are seated next to me wanting to know all the details and asking questions.
"Pritty?"
"Yes mother?" I reply.
"I know it's hard for you cause of the crown and the title attached to your husband. But believe me it does happen, you guys will click and when you finally do it will be the most amazing feeling in the world."
"I'm trying, but it's hard." I reply.
"That's the problem," she replies," it comes all on it's own and that why it's called 'falling ' in love. It happens when you least expected without you knowing."
"Mother, how did you and father fall in love?" I ask.
"In our case it was more of a strangers to lovers scenario. We met at a ball when I turned sixteen. Months later I was taken to a seer where I was shown that your dad was my soulmate. Coincidentally we were already courting at that time. We got married had kids and now here we are." She replies with a smile as she recalls every moment of it.
"But how did you know he was the one?" I impatiently ask.
"I didn't." She replies. " I never did. I just felt it. And I wanted him to be the one so I made him the one."
"How about you Montse?" I ask.
"That's Aunt Montserrat to you young lady!" My mother corrects.
"Sorry, aunt Montse." I apologize with a smirk on my face. I never once called her aunt not even on formal occasions. As long as I can remember we've grown up together despite her being older than me. To me she's always being more of a best friend, sister, mother and aunt ,in the respective order. We've always had this mutual bond that just doesn't come from the fact that we're related by blood.
"It's nothing dear, I don't mind at all," she replies laughing, "come on now Cindy, you know I don't mind at all."
"I know you don't but she should learn how to address her elders. If we don't teach her we might as well advice her to the call the king by his name." Mother jests.
"Sorry mum, you know I only address aunt Montse that way right? Please forgive me, pretty please." I beg with what I believe is a puppy face.
"Now now. It's okay Pritty, I forgive you." She replies with a gentle smile. I've always loved that name. 'Pritty', I love how she says it. When she addresses me by Pritty it always makes me feel like I'm the most loved person on earth. That was my special name given to me by my mother so it meant the world to me.
"Let's see. Well your uncle and I first met after I was taken to the seer. But in our case, it was more of a hate at first sight relationship. We detested each other for a while and with time it became a competition to outshine the other at everything. With time we realized that what we termed as loathe was actually a kind of attraction towards each other. We got married after that and here we are,"she replies, "love is such an interesting thing, who would have thought that we would end up together. And can you believe that his family and ours already knew each other even before we met. Who would have thought!"
"Now that you've mentioned it, however is it that you two never met before? I mean we've met him and his family at so many balls before." Mother enquires curiously.
"How would I know. Our paths never crossed till after we were presented to the seer. Ironical isn't it?" Montse replies with a laugh.
The two of them continue laughing as they remember all they've been through all those years. I look at them and it touches my heart to see that two sisters found their happily ever afters. It makes me wonder if without the seer telling them who their soulmates were, would they have ever ended up with those who make them this happy. Would life have been different? Would my parents still be together or would they have been married to other people. Maybe the so called divorce or break ups would have ruined their happiness. What if I just went through with the engagement? Maybe we'll eventually learn to love each other just as they did and I might fall on the way. I'll do it then. I'll marry Prince Lamian.