"'How does he do it?' the really dumb marshmallow thought," said Orenthal Marshpello, the know-it-all marshmallow. "'Only a few days and I'm this predictable? How can it be?'"
Orenthal sighed, then screamed, "Do you have any idea how annoying you are? Come outside! I know you can hear me! You're looking through the peep hole now, you lucky loser!"
"'Alright, already. Can't you just leave me alone?'" Marshfellow thought, but Marshpello spoke.
"Not until you're defeated!" yelled Orenthal.
Zairpag, just arriving on the scene, sweetly exclaimed, "Marshfellow! I missed you all night long! That dang copycat makes me uncomfortable..."
Is that the whole sentence?
Okay. I think it is this time. Let us give her one more minute, just in case...
Okay. Continue the story, everybody!
"Yeah, he is pretty obnoxious," mumbled Marshpello.
Zairpag ran to and hugged Marsh... pello?
"Hurry up and defeat that know-it-all so we can go back to our normal lives!" Zairpag wailed, squeezing that know-it-all in her arms.
"Hey!" shouted Marshfellow, using words for the first time in this chapter.
"That's my girlfriend! Hands off, before I bounce you to the moon, whatever that is!" shouted Marshpello.
Zairpag apologized, "Oopsie! My bad." Is that really an apology?
"That's alright, baby. Come over here and give the real me a hug," softly spoke Marshpello.
Zairpag did as she was told and went to hug Marshpello.
Marshfellow boomed, "Wha-" "t the cloud with superior gravity in the sky is going on here?!" finished Marshpello.
"Oh, I'm just hugging the handsomest marshmallow in the world," remarked Zairpag with her arms wrapped around Marshpello.
"But that's not me! Come here, baby!" demanded Marshpello.
I mentioned, "Zairpag said, 'It's confusing when Marshpello says, 'Come here, baby!' even though Marshfellow is the one thinking, 'Come here, baby!' internally' in a convoluted manner' in an intentionally confusing way.
"Just go to the match!" blasted Marshpello.
At the match, Marshfellow was still wondering how all of this was possible.
"How is all of this possible?" thought Marshfellow.
"How is all of this possible?" murmured Marshpello.
Zairpag attempted to console Marshfellow. "Look. He may know your moves, thoughts, and all, but he doesn't have your body. I mean, look at him! He doesn't look as soft as you. He's not as big. He doesn't have your mettle. He's all brains and no brawn! He's not-"
Marshpello, with a massive smile, shouted, "Zairpag! I'm over here! Seriously?!"
"Huh?" questioned Zairpag as she stared at the marshmallow she was motioning to look at and realized it was Marshfellow; then glanced at the marshmallow to whom she was talking and realized that it was Orenthal.
"It's alright, baby. I'm here. Give me a hug," Orenthal softly whispered.
"Hey!" scowled Marshfellow. "That's not what I'd say!"
"Uh, this is too confusing," said Zairpag while hugging Orenthal. "No offense, but I'm just gonna stick with this one. He's actually been talking to me and in a way like Marshfellow does. He's basically the better version."
"I miss Gairyag," both Marshfellow and I whimpered... without interruption.
"Noooo!" cried Marshpello. "Wait! What is this? Why didn't you- what happened? Where's my data?"
Marshfellow, whilst Orenthal seemingly had a mental break, went to charge his telecommunications device. "Thank goodness it isn't anthropomorphic," he joked. "Could you imagine the funeral expenses?"
Does anybody even die here? All we ever heard about is the cloud.
"Yada, yada, yada!" Orenthal mocked. "Hurry up and finish charging your telecommunications device so we can collide already!"
Marshfellow suggested, "Why don't we just start now? It can charge while we're-"
"No!" Orenthal shrieked. "We all know you want it charged before the match starts! Hurry it up!"
Marshfellow countered, "Well, actual-"
"You know I know all about you!" Orenthal screeched, then calmly, with a devious smile, quietly spoke, "You want to charge your phone, don't you?"
"Hmm..." Marshfellow hmmed to himself. "Do I want to charge my phone? I didn't think I did..." After another moment's thought, "You know what?" he pondered aloud. "I don't really feel like it. Let's just do-"
"Are! You! Kidding me?!" howled Orenthal. He quickly followed by arguing in a stuck-up manner, "Apparently, I know you better than you know yourself. Typical, stupid Marshfellow."
"Hey!" I shouted. "That's my job! You need to stay in your role, buster!"
"'Tis Buster ED!" some weirdly aggressive, yet fairly distant, and thus quiet, sound came from the direction of the cloud.
Oh, and the writer would like me to specify that it is not my role either; it is his. I could still write a superior story though; and stay handsome while doing so.
Marshfellow relented, "You know what? If it's that big of a deal to you, I'll-"
"It isn't a big deal to me! It's a big deal to you! Why is it such a big deal to you, Marshfellow? What is so important on your telecommunications device? Huh? Now we're all waiting... on you! You dumb marshmallow." Orenthal rambled.
Zairpag, disillusioned, remarked, "You don't seem like Marshfellow anymore."
Really? Did she think we did not notice? Did it really take her that long to realize?
"My bad... Uh, babyyy? I'm, uh, sooo sorry. Yep. That's it," said Marshpello very strangely and muddled.
Zairpag questioned, "That's okay, I guess? Is it?"
"Eh, it's charged enough. Let's-" Marshfellow chimed before Marshpello chimed, "Do this! You can shut up, again!"
This is the first chapter telecommunications devices have been referenced in this story, is it not?
Marshfellow tried to ask, "How could people send negative reviews while they're falling without a telecommunications device?"
Touche. And you are a dirtbag for doing that.
"Let us get rrrready to rrrrumblllle! Colllllide!" I microphoned.
"Here we go!" shouted both competitors simultaneously in the same voice, cadence, and tone.
They jumped at each other with perfect symmetry, bouncing off of one another after their bodies met in the air.
"I know all your moves!" bragged Orenthal.
"Shut up!" retaliated Marshpello.
"He lookin' kinda schizo'," murmured an audience member.
Another corrected the former, "Actually, it would be multiple personality disorder, sir."
"Actually, it would be having a full mastery of another person's being, thank you," arrogantly commented Orenthal while clashing with Marshfellow. "I can be both he and me!"
Zairpag cheered, "That's right, honey! Be the best Marshfellow you can be!"
"How dare you!" interjected both competitors. "Let's just take one final photo of the traitor, Zairpag, before this is over."
"Well, m-maybe not that..." stammered Orenthal the know-it-all. "That's unnecessary."
"Smile, lady who doesn't love me!" Marshfellow sang.
"Okay, sure," responded some random lady in the crowd.
"Click," went the camera.
What, is the camera anthropomorphic?
"No," remarked Marshfellow, "it's just part of my telecommunications device. But this function is so powerful and loud, that it shuts off all other functions and deserves an quotable onomatopoeia!"
How remarkable.
"Umm, uh?" Orenthal's motions slowed. "Hurry up... hurry up, you nincompoop!"
Marshfellow, without interruption, replied, "Okay. You asked for it! Well, demanded it, but close enough!"
"Wait! I wasn't talking to y- oowaauugh!" hollered Orenthal as he was blitzed by Marshfellow with a trampoline-like effect from his mush form conceptualized in his last match.
"It's called the Mushmallow Mash!" Marshfellow proudly commented.
"I know!" shrieked Orenthal. "I know all about you! I'm... I'm just concussed right now, so if you give me a second..."
Marshfellow noted, "Okay. In the meantime, I would use my telecommunications device, but I had to deactivate its connection abilities so that I could reestablish the display settings in the high quality video resolution application needed for filtering my picture; it's an older device."
How notable.
"Aaugh! When will this concussion end?!" screamed Orenthal.
Marshfellow commented, "My telecommunications device should be back online... now."
"Okay! It's back on, loser! Hawhawhaw!" cackled Orenthal.
"How can a concussion end that quickly?" Marshfellow would have asked if Marshpello had not beaten him to it.
Marshfellow looked at his telecommunications device and before anybody else could react, Orenthal blurted out, "You wouldn't!"
"Wouldn't what?" Marshfellow inquired.
"Oh, come on!" exasperatedly exhaled Orenthal. "Like you don't know that I hacked your telecommunications device. It's something you always have on your person capable of recording everything you say and do! Then I just run an algorithm on my device based on your heart rate, breathing patterns, brain waves, and the like to detect your intentions!"
How exasperatedly exhalable.
Marshfellow, just having now been enlightened on his opponent's advantage, said, "Oh! I ge-"
"Be quiet!" Orenthal commanded. "You're really going to pretend that you didn't know? After the timing of all my concussions were conveniently when your telecommunications device's telecommunications weren't operable? That this is the first chapter in which they've been mentioned and I happened to be your opponent? That the chapter title has the term, 'hack', in it?"
"Hey!" shouted I. "I said that one earlier!"
Marshfellow matter-of-factly explained, "Well, the possibility was alluded to the chapter before, as st-"
"I said be quiet!" exclaimed Orenthal. "You're really going to pretend that the only things that I haven't predicted in their entirety are the things that you've never done before? Any idiot could've determined this!"
"Hmm..." Marshfellow muttered to himself. "It kinda makes sense..."
"Wait," requested Zairpag, "is my Marshfellow saying he hacked that Marshfellow's telecommunications device so he could know it all?"
Apparently, not these two idiots. Or the third one, being you, reader. Unless you got it. See, I knew the whole time; I am the narrator. You see, it is my j-
"You couldn't predict the first time I used the nuking, you liar!" Marshfellow bellowed.
How can he hear this? Did he hack my telecommunications device? Did they learn how I stay so handsome?
"Point being," pontificated Orenthal, "you now have a tough decision to make. You LOVE your telecommunications device so much, you've never once deactivated it! You must either destroy it or have your undefeated streak destroyed! Tough choice! Hawhawhaw!"
Marshfellow considered the options, then rebutted, "Actually, it's a soft choice," as he deactivated his phone.
Wait a minute. How did he not predict this? Why would he even blurt ou- oh, because he was thinking off deactivating his telecommunications device which he had never thought before. Okay, writer. I could still write a better book than this.
"What?! B-b-but I s-still have a prog-gram on there!" Orenthal sputtered.
"Then you can monitor my success from the cloud," said Marshfellow with a wide grin.
Orenthal collected himself, then stated, "Well, no matter. I can beat you! You're a hack!"
Wait. I thought it was supposed to be a hint. That is a very different use of the chapter title. Writer...
"You're just a hacker," Marshfellow replied coolly before running up to Orenthal, grabbing him before his naturally non-athletic opponent could react, doing a mid-air somersault, and throwing him toward the cloud with the resulting centripetal force. "And now you've been hacked," he added.
"Hucked," said the random lady who did not love him.
Though at first mortified, Orenthal giggled uncontrollably, then boasted, "I still have all your moves, including this one! Hawhawhaw! Mushmallow form!"
If Orenthal Marshpello was a more natural athlete and could react before he was grabbed; if he controlled his giggle and did not spend so much time boasting; if he practiced the Mushmallow form before using it at this point and mastered the aiming; he would not have barely touched the cloud with just the edge of his expanded body!
"What?! Wait! No! I did everything perfectly!" Orenthal cried.
Marshfellow chuckled, "Haha! Yep! You perfectly gave me a victory. Thanks!"
"Hmph!" pouted Orenthal, before a nefarious smirk. "Come on... uh, babyy! Let's gooo an', ummm, see yo' sisterrr."
"Yay?" Zairpag cheered? "My Marshfellow kinda sounds like... himself again? Okay? I'm coming, I guess?"
"I think I am done with airbags," both I and Marshfellow wallowed in tandem. There are going to be some dangerous car crashes for us.
Do not get into car crashes, kids. Or date airbags.
"Could you give me a boost, other Marshfellow?" Zairpag sweetly asked Marshfellow.
Marshfellow sighed, then responded, "Sure, why not?" He complied with her request immediately.
"Thank you!" she beamed while catapulting through the air towards the cloud. "If I didn't have my Marshfellow, I'd be your number one air..."
Really? How long do we have to wait now? Oh, she is out of earshot now. What does that one mean? That she would be your baby?
"Nope," explained Marshfellow non-chalantly, "she was going to say 'air conditioner', as in my fan."
Ugh. Not merely a good riddance; the best riddance in all of fiction.
Seriously, kids: do not date airbags. Not any of th- except Gairyag, but she is mine. So, I guess, yes, do not date airbags.