Kairo wasn't exactly a great guy.
Genius? Maybe. Handsome? Debatable. Lucky? Absolutely not.
One night, after winning (cheating in) a high-stakes poker game, he found himself on the run from some very angry gangsters.
He turned a corner, laughing. "Heh. Too easy"
HONK!
A truck materialized out of nowhere.
SPLAT.
And thus, Kairo's promising career as a professional scoundrel came to an abrupt, pavement-flavored end.
Or so he thought.
Kairo's eyes snapped open. Alive?!
No, wait. His body felt... wrong.
He looked down. Small. Green. Stubby.
He shuffled to a nearby puddle. A tiny, ugly goblin stared back at him.
"No." He slapped himself. "No, no, NO."
The goblin in the reflection copied him.
"I got isekai'd... as a GOBLIN?!"
Just as he was about to scream, a glowing blue screen materialized.
________________________________________
[WELCOME, REINCARNATOR!]
• Race: Goblin (Rank F)
• Skills: NONE
• Status: Weak as hell
• Level-Up Requirement: Must Engage in Physical Intimacy
________________________________________
Kairo blinked. Read it again.
"...I have to do what to level up?"
The words didn't change.
This had to be a joke. The gods must be rolling on the floor laughing.
A cold wind blew past him. He shivered.
"...Oh, I'm so screwed."
The nest was a damp, disgusting cave, filled with goblins that smelled like fermented rat piss.
A big, ugly goblin stomped toward him. The chief, maybe?
"You. New. Weak." The goblin grinned, showing several missing teeth. "You die soon."
Kairo forced a grin. "Haha... unless I kill you first?"
Silence. Then the entire goblin nest erupted in laughter.
"HAHAHA! Weak goblin funny!"
"He try be hero! Hahaha!"
Kairo clenched his fists. He refused to live and die as a bottom-feeding trash mob.
If this world wanted to play dirty, he'd play dirtier.
A loud roar echoed outside the cave.
The goblins shrieked.
"What was that?!"
"A human! Strong human!"
Kairo rushed to the cave entrance just in time to see a stunning elven woman being dragged inside, bound in ropes.
Tall. Blonde. Elegant. Stacked.
His jaw dropped.
The goblin chief licked his lips. "Elf woman... good prize. She mate with chief, make strong goblin babies!"
DING!
________________________________________ [QUEST: SAVE THE ELF AND SCORE BIG!]
• Objective: Rescue the captured elf.
• Reward: Major EXP Boost
• Penalty: Death (or worse).
________________________________________
Kairo's mind raced. His scuffed system was forcing his hand.
His only way forward? Play the hero.
He grabbed a nearby club.
Then, with all the confidence of a man faking it till he made, he roared.
"HEY, CHIEF!"
The goblin chief turned. "What?"
WHAM!
Kairo's club crashed into his face!
The goblin chief collapsed, twitching.
The other goblins gasped.
Kairo pointed the club at them.
"I AM THE CHIEF NOW!"
Silence.
Then.
"...New chief?"
"New chief is strong?"
"NEW CHIEF! NEW CHIEF!"
The goblins immediately switched sides.
Kairo turned to the bound elf, kneeling beside her. He flashed his best (goblin) smile and whispered:
"Milady, I believe this is where you say, 'Take me now, my hero."
The elf's eyes twitched.
BOOM.
A moment later, he was sent flying out of the cave with a single kick.
Lying in the dirt, Kairo groaned.
Not a win... but not a loss either.
"Okay," he muttered. Maybe I need to rethink my approach."
Kairo groaned, sprawled out on the dirt, a footprint embedded on his tiny goblin chest.
The elf had kicked him so hard, he nearly saw the afterlife again.
Above him, his status screen flickered.
________________________________________
[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION]
• Quest Progress: ???
• Physical Status: Suffering.
• Dignity: Negative.
________________________________________
"Well... that could've gone better." He spat out some dirt.
The elf, still tied up, was glowering at him from the cave entrance.
"You disgusting little goblin," she seethed. "Touch me, and I'II"
"WHOA. Let's get something straight," Kairo said, holding up his hands. "One I'm not some generic monster. I'm different."
The elf squinted. "... You're still a goblin."
"Yeah, but, like... a cool one."
She didn't look convinced.
"Two," he continued, "I just saved you from a very ugly fate."
She hesitated. That part was true.
The other goblins were still bowing, chanting, "NEW CHIEF, NEW CHIEF!" behind them.
Kairo sighed. "And three... I, uh, kinda need you to help me level up."
The elf froze.
Then, her entire aura became murderous.
"...You disgusting little-"
"NOT LIKE THAT!" Kairo yelled, waving his arms. "I mean, yes, my system is weird as hell, but I'm not some depraved maniac!"
The elf did not look convinced.
Kairo groaned, rubbing his temples. "Look, can we just-what's your name?"
The elf huffed. "Why should I tell you?"
"Because," he gestured to the still-tied ropes around her wrists, "I'm the one who just saved you. And if I was actually gonna do something sketchy, wouldn't I have done it already?"
She narrowed her eves... then sighed.
"Fine. My name is Sylvara. I am a knight of the Elven Moonlight Order."
Kairo blinked. "Oh, so you're, like, a big deal, huh?"
Sylvara scoffed. "I am. And I swear upon my name, if you try anything-"
"I WON'T!" Kairo huffed.
They glared at each other for a moment.
Then-
BOOM.
A massive explosion erupted in the distance.
Sylvara's expression darkened. "They're here."
Kairo's goblin ears perked. "Who's here?"
"The human knights hunting me," she muttered. "They won't stop until I'm dead."
Kairo frowned. "Wait. Why are they after you? I thought elves and humans were cool?"
Sylvara clenched her fists.
"...Not anymore."
Kairo stared at her. Clearly, there was a whole story there.
But he could ask later if they survived.
The system pinged.
________________________________________
[EMERGENCY QUEST: ESCAPE WITH THE ELF!]
• Objective: Get the hell out of there!
• Time Limit: 3 minutes
• Reward: ???
• Penalty: Death. (Duh.)
________________________________________
Kairo immediately grabbed Sylvara's ropes and threw her onto his back.
"WHAT ARE YOU"
"Less talking, more RUNNING!"
He sprinted out of the cave.
A second later.
BOOM!
The cave exploded benind them, sending
goblin limbs flying.
Sylvara's eyes widened. "Goddess, what kind of knights use bombs?!"
Kairo wheezed. "Apparently the scary kind!"
The forest ahead was dark, twisted, and crawling with monsters.
Behind them? A squad of elite knights with explosives.
And in the middle of it all.
A tiny, weak-ass goblin carrying a furious elf on his back.
Kairo screamed internally.
"I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS!!"