(Rose)
Last time I died, I wasn't aware anymore. Being self-aware in a disembodied fashion, is like the worst of imprisonment. A nightmarish jail, being alive but deprived from every sense, perception and feeling.
You just are. Lost. Utterly powerless. Everything you know is meaningless. You just are, and nothing more. Without context, without a world to identify yourself to. You lose all reference and certainty.
I retained my memories, knowledge, and probably personality. But being in this awful jail is just timeless torture. Mental torture, as I don't know if my body even exists anymore.
I'm gone beyond panic already, but I still have no clue about time. And I don't understand what Blume is doing by letting me go scared like that. Where are you? We were supposed to work together!
What am I? What am I? Was I wrong? I shouldn't have? Am I being punished?
Eternity. Chaos. My mind is growing gradually tired. Love. Blue rose. I want my blue rose... I want the impossible dream I have to become real.
The way Blume chose to love me... I am the same... I am the same as her.
That's what I asked for. What I asked her. I asked the djinn to make me one of her kind, as I share her vision of love, life, and happiness.
Dream. Reality. The boundaries have weakened so much over time. Over some miracle or terrible tragedy, I'm not sure. Crisis and opportunity are one and the same I hear. Death is the same now, in this world of ours...
~
I raise myself. I'm less scared. I'm not panicking anymore. My flow of thoughts is odd since I cannot cry, sleep, or feel anything physiological or physical.
She said that our body helped to regulate our thoughts and emotions greatly. Without it, there are less limits regarding how we can end up feeling. Obsessions can become limitless, turning us into monsters.
Somehow, I didn't (I think). I wonder why.
I'm not sure whether it's still a test from Blume or the real thing.
I focus as best I can on my goal.
I picture it in my mind, and it's almost as if it was slowly appearing before me in that void.
My blue rose. My blue bird of happiness, clinging to my hand...
That slightly sour softness that was between us...
That mood we had, sitting together at nightfall in our rose garden...
The way you laughed while reading ludicrous books about spiritism...
We went far, for the sake of your daiûa. Probably farther than we needed to...
Until I was snatched ironically by another one, being-like-her...
Blume. My flower. Help my real self here get her blue bird back, and this copy in your world will be yours forever.
That's my deal. You can become one.
You can have her... Swallow me as you always desired it deep down, to grow and evolve into a more unified and fulfilled form of Rose Blume.
In the end... If another me can have it all... Right now I agree for you to eat me and make me yours...
I'm ready to cast aside what's left of my humanity, for you both, as long as it makes all of our dreams come true.
And then a voice suddenly surged from nowhere in the void.
B - I didn't expect you to survive... To overcome the inherent fear of being in there. I'm surprised. You're strong... Is it because the situation feels dire in here? Ah, you never change, you're stronger when there's adversity to pressure you. Even if it's really a void.
R - You're the one who brought back hope to life, for me. You brought the stars back into the sky for me. See them shine inside my eyes.
B - How romantic... I can see them... I love you. I always have. I always will, whether you come to me, the real me, or go apart in reality. I've already begun... Creating her. It's been a while already.
R - Thank you.
B - Are you sure you won't have too many regrets going on this path? It's not too late.
R - Well... I will have some honestly. As I already have so many regardless... You know, there are many possible outcomes to our choices and plan here, but we have to choose what seems best overall. Even if it's still a shot in the dark, in more ways than one. What I want... For you, and me... You know, my love for you is genuine as well. I've always wanted to meet the real you...
In a world where appearances are beyond meaningless as they don't exist at all. I'm already within the real her...
B - There is something I forgot to tell you, that I perhaps should.
R - Yes?
B - The Dragod told me that the reason why I first saw you, so long ago, is because a slight part of your history, of your family blood, was already connected to my world, to this place...
R - Family... Heirloom? My birth mother and my true father... I know little of them. I know my grandmother on my mother's side was a ''nameless prostitute'', to quote my adoptive father... (Whom was also her son I believe.) but I know she wasn't British, and that she was... She was a lot like us... A dreamer. Well, does it matter?
B - It's likely your bloodline had met a daiûa, one way or another, before your time. It left marks on your kind, that lingered generation after generation. It's not much now, even I didn't notice.
R - Before my grandparents, and especially on that grandmother's side I know nearly nothing about my family. Why does it matter?
B - We... Can live a long time.
R - You're afraid an old demon could return? One that met my ancestors even before my sister's daiûa?
B - Yes... I worry about you...
R - You don't want me to do as planned, don't you?
B - No, you're right... As long as you live like a normal human being, I want to stay by your side...
All she was saying before was her clumsily attempt to find a pretence, for me not to proceed as planned. She doesn't want me to risk dying or splitting myself dangerously. She doesn't want to see me die in her arms.
R - I want to live with her...
B - Why not as you are now? It won't matter. You don't have to change. You don't have to shelter either of you from what you've been through!
It's rare for Blume to be angry, yet now she's mad at me.
B - Our life together wasn't that bad! The blood you say is on your hands is naught but memories now. They will fade. Please... Stay...
My mind aches where my heart should be. She's right, I know it...
I got lost with her powers drawing impossible things.
B - You're losing too much of your humanity with that wish of being reborn differently... I will create that other thing for you, but I don't want to change you the way you ask.
R - You say morals don't matter, yet you don't like the idea of me changing my mind and my brain in an artificial fashion? Sounds like you have some moral values in the end.
B - I want you to remain an evolving human. If you became something else... I'd feel so sad losing you.
I do feel a little sad also.
A part of me to fuse with her. Another to die, my body sacrificed. A last one to be reborn in heaven.
Is that what I really want? This is so strange now that it's possible.
B - You don't have to be as god, Rose.
She's begging me to reconsider my wish...
I'm conflicted. Is re-writing my personality burning my past, myself?
Despite my flaws and sins... Should I remain the one I am?
~
When my mother and my teacher taught me about philosophy, those are the kind of questions I never had;..
Granted the power of gods upon yourself, what would you change?
Would that be moral? Would that make you less?
We... Desire. We want things. Is it more moral to fulfil such a desire, or to change your persona so you would no long desire it?
If we desire to eat. To love. To kill. To die even? To see a late love return... To see yourself cleansed from your sins... To appease the weight of that coagulated guilt...
And losing humanity can be so easy nowadays.
What should I do? It's hard for me to see from here the better choice for me, you and her, for the future to come...
For the past that came before my time she mentioned, how could I know? I can't see how it could affect me anymore...
Ah, yes. It's the fresh start. That's the troublesome concept because we're always set and defined in an endless continuation of events.
I know what I want regarding you. I'm still very conflicted regarding me and Blume.
So we debate, and think...
It reopens wounds in my mind unfortunately. But I bear with them.
Because to some difficult to judge extent, I want to do what's right... And first means accepting it's likely not the easiest choice, or the less painful one...
~
I think... Blume was right. Admitting it is a little bitter. Facing its implications will hurt for a while.
But for all the years to come, for the better outcome.
It's the right way for me to continue this journey.
~