A 25-year-old guy was sitting in a chair in a dark room with a diary in hand, flipping through its pages. He went to its first page for no apparent reason and slowly started reading in his mind.
[Diary Entry #1]
Have you ever thought to yourself that there's always this one person who would always be there for you, always support you, and think about your well-being no matter the situation, even if the world turned upside down? That person, just by existing within this world, would assure you that you're not alone and that person will always have your back no matter what.
No matter how much you fall into the darkness and despair, she will always bring you back to the daylight. She will sacrifice everything for your well-being.
Yeah, for me, that was my mother. Ever since I was born, as long as I can remember, I always felt like I was a burden to my mother and my family.
I wanted to do so much for her to make her happy and proud as her son, yet from the beginning, I was nothing but an utter failure. I wasn't good at studies and had to drop out of college. I tried other things here and there but always failed.
But Mom never blamed me for anything. She always supported me. Even my older brother and sister always helped and encouraged me despite having their own families and busy lives. Despite my distant attitude towards my family, they always worried for me. Why do I alwa...
As the phone rang, his thoughts were interrupted.
Ring... ring ring... ring...
So, he put the diary in the drawer and closed it. He picked up the phone and answered.
"Hello, Mom."
"Yes, Ethan, are you back from work?"
"Yeah, just came back," said Ethan.
"Have you eaten?" asked his mother.
"No, I will now," he replied.
"Ok, eat now and go to sleep. Learn to take a rest. You always push yourself too much," replied his mother.
"Ok, Mom," he said.
"Okay, son, bye. Talk to you later."
Another wave of sadness and guilt overcame him after this. He thought about how his mother's health was deteriorating and how he could do nothing to help. Ever since Ethan was a kid, the family's expenses were always on his brother's shoulders. Even his sister helped the family by saving small amounts of money. Their father was trash.
When he was a kid, he promised himself he would never be as useless and pathetic as his father, yet here he is, just as useless and pathetic.
AFTER 1 YEAR... On a day full of rain and a dark cloudy sky, his mother, Tarna Martin, passed away. Ethan cried and continued to cry for days. He wasn't the only one in despair; his brother and sister were also mourning. However, they had their families and children to take care of and could not let themselves sink into despair, even if they wanted to. Ethan's brother and sister consoled him to the best of their abilities and tried to help him emotionally.
For the first time in his life, Ethan felt what it truly meant to be alone in this world. The entire world felt foreign and hostile to him as if someone was protecting him from this world before, but now it was attacking him since he was not being protected anymore, making his pain even greater.
The unimaginable sadness and despair that came into his being would not wash away. Not even a single drop of it would, and he would not let this emotion wash away either, till the moment he died or even after he died, because Ethan knows it was all his fault. Everything was his fault.
If only he took care of his mother better.
If only he was smart enough.
If only he tried hard enough.
If only he was rich enough.
If only he was determined enough.
His mother could've lived a better life. Not even once could he give his mother the things she wanted—a more comfortable life, a more peaceful life, a better life.
Tarna's entire life was filled with torment. Her husband was trash, who abused her, could not bear the cost of the family at a certain point, and even sold away some of the lands she bought with her saved money. That responsibility prematurely landed on her oldest son, and Tarna helped with what she could. And till the end of her life, it was filled with poverty and pain. Ethan, till the very end, could not repay his mother.
Despite almost three months after Tarna passed away, Ethan would visit his mother's grave almost every day and keep looking at the grave with hollow eyes. He had already become a bit insane, and Ethan had come to accept it as well.
A normal person would've been back to their daily life by now, even if they grieved from time to time, but Ethan wasn't normal. His greatest wish since he was a kid was to earn lots of money and give his mother, brother, and sister a happy life without any worries of money ever again.
Ethan was also an extremely practical and selfish person. He understood that in the modern world, if someone had enough money, it's the one thing that could potentially solve 99% of all the problems.
Also, he is a selfish person because, apart from his mother and siblings and niece and their children, he never felt any real emotions towards anything else. Ethan thought to himself, "If a devil were to come and give me a choice—I could save my mother and give my family a happy life in exchange for killing everyone else in the world—I would do it in a heartbeat, even if I have to do it myself."
He whispered to himself in his madness and despair, "You know what I hate most in this world? The one thing in existence that disgusts me most." He stated in a hollow and lifeless tone, "IS MYSELF."