Lidia had vastly overestimated the romanticism of horseback riding.
Books always made it seem so magical—a noble hero riding through rolling green fields, the wind sweeping dramatically through their hair, their cape billowing behind them like something out of a masterpiece painting. Even the villains in books made it look cool, galloping ominously through mist-covered forests like shadowy specters of doom.
But reality?
Reality was hell on earth.
Her ass hurt.
Like, really hurt.
It felt like her bones were waging war against the saddle, and the saddle was winning. Every step the horse took sent another jolt of agony up her spine. Her thighs burned from gripping too tightly, her lower back ached, and her dignity was quickly slipping away with every pathetic groan that left her lips.
She let out a long, suffering whimper, shifting uncomfortably in the saddle. "Ughhh."
This was a betrayal.
A betrayal by literature, by fantasy, by every single book she had ever read that made horseback riding seem effortless.
She tilted her head back, glaring at the sky as if the heavens themselves were responsible for this. "Fantasy books lied to me."
Her voice was hoarse, her soul defeated.
Meanwhile, the knight behind her remained completely composed, guiding the horse with the same effortless ease he had displayed since the start of their journey. His back was straight, his posture regal, as if he had been born in the saddle.
Lidia, on the other hand, looked—and felt—like a sack of potatoes being dragged along for the ride.
Another groan slipped from her lips as she shifted again, desperately trying to find a position that didn't make her feel like she was being tortured. When that failed, she did the only thing that made sense—she reached back and rubbed at her sore ass cheeks, grimacing at how tender they were.
The knight shook his head.
Lidia snapped her gaze to him. "WHAT?!"
He didn't answer. He didn't even look at her. He just exhaled through his nose, like some long-suffering parent dealing with an unbearable child.
He was very much regretting helping this unhinged witch.
Her eyes narrowed. "Do you also find this UNSETTLING?"
She emphasized the last word, pointedly.
The knight exhaled again, slower this time, as if summoning patience from the depths of his soul. "I find it excessive."
Lidia let out an offended scoff. "Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't realize I was supposed to suffer in silence ! My bad for expressing the natural human reaction to having my ass assaulted by this satanic creature."
The horse flicked its tail.
The knight finally turned his gaze to her, just enough to glance down at her over her shoulder. "If you had experience riding, this wouldn't be a problem."
She gawked at him. "If I had experience? Oh, forgive me, Your Majesty, for not being born with the natural ability to glide on horseback like some fantasy prince."
He remained unimpressed. "Your posture is wrong."
"What?"
"You're too tense."
She gritted her teeth. "Of course I'm tense! Do you have any idea how uncomfortable this is?"
"Yes," he said, his tone maddeningly neutral. "And it wouldn't be if you weren't squeezing the horse like a terrified child."
Her glare sharpened. "I am not squeezing—"
"You are," he interjected smoothly. "And you're throwing off its rhythm."
Lidia muttered something very unflattering under her breath and tried to adjust herself, shifting her weight in the saddle.
Instant regret.
The moment she moved, a sharp, unforgiving pain shot straight up her spine. She yelped and immediately regretted everything.
The knight sighed. Again.
She shot him a murderous glare. "Don't even start."
He wisely remained silent.
The ride continued, and Lidia did her best to endure the agony. But every bump, every shift in movement, was pure suffering. She had officially entered the ninth circle of hell, and its name was horseback riding.
And worst of all?
They weren't even halfway there.
Oh, the moment they stopped, she was never getting on this demonic creature again.
She was a moment from quitting this cursed journey when the knight uttered the blessed words—"It's time to take a break."—
Lidia almost cried.
The past few hours had been nothing short of agony. She had resigned herself to the fact that she would never feel comfortable again, that she would live the rest of her days with an aching backside and the unshakable memory of this torturous journey.
But now? Now there was hope.
She didn't even wait for him to stop the horse properly. The second they slowed, she started moving, already trying to figure out the fastest way to get the hell off this creature.
The knight, of course, noticed her struggle. He clicked his tongue in disapproval. "Wait."
She froze mid-wriggle and shot him a look. "Wait? Wait?! Do you have any idea how much pain I'm in?"
He ignored her dramatic plea and swung off the horse with practiced ease, landing on the ground like some graceful bastard who had been doing this all his life.
Lidia scowled.
"Stay still," he instructed, dusting off his gloves before reaching up toward her. "I'll help you down."
Lidia blinked. "...I can get down on my own."
He arched a brow, his face unreadable. "Oh? Go ahead, then."
She hesitated.
Her legs were a little wobbly.
But her pride was strong.
So she scoffed, tossed her hair back (or at least attempted to—it was tangled and clinging to her face from hours of suffering), and moved to dismount.
Which was a terrible mistake.
The moment she shifted her weight, her entire lower body screamed in protest. Her legs, which had been clamped onto the saddle for dear life, refused to cooperate. The instant she let go of the horse, her balance betrayed her.
Her body tipped forward.
Oh. Oh, shit.
Gravity won.
Just when she thought she was about to eat dirt, strong hands caught her, stopping her fall.
She landed directly against the knight's chest, her face colliding with his armor in a very undignified manner.
Oof.
For a moment, she just stayed there, her brain catching up to the sheer humiliation of what just happened.
Then she slowly tilted her head back.
And yep. He was staring at her. Judging her.
A smirk—faint but definitely there—tugged at his lips.
"Graceful."
Lidia groaned and shoved herself away from him, her face burning. "Shut up."
He allowed her to push away, though she noticed he kept his hands close, probably *
expecting her to collapse again. Which, to be fair, was a valid assumption, considering her legs felt like wobbly noodles.
She stood as straight as she could and grimaced.
"Ughhh."
Her legs were so stiff. Her thighs were screaming. And her ass—oh, her poor, betrayed ass—was numb.
"I feel like I've been beaten with a wooden club." She tried stretching, but the moment she did, her body protested. She groaned again. "This is the worst thing I've ever experienced."
The knight simply patted the horse's neck, completely unaffected. "You'll get used to it."
Lidia shot him a glare, still stretching her sore muscles. "No, I will not get used to this. I am never getting on a horse again."
He hummed, clearly wishing she meant those words.
She sighed, finally glancing around their surroundings. They had stopped at a small clearing just off the road, surrounded by towering trees that cast long shadows across the grass. The air was cooler here, fresh and clean, the scent of leaves and damp earth replacing the horrific stench of horse sweat she had been enduring for hours.
There was a small stream nearby, its water glistening under the afternoon sun. The sound of trickling water was almost heavenly.
Lidia eyed it like it was the promised land.
"Water," she muttered. "I need water."
The knight tied the horse to a tree, barely sparing her a glance. "Don't fall in."
She rolled her eyes and stalked toward the stream, each step an ordeal thanks to her sore muscles. She crouched down and splashed some water on her face, sighing in relief as the coolness hit her skin.
So much better.
She drank a few handfuls of water before flopping onto the grass, arms spread out as she glared up at the sky.
"Tell me the truth," she called over to him. "How much longer do we have to ride?"
The knight was pulling supplies from his saddlebag. "A few more days."
She let out a long, suffering groan.
He smirked, amused.
She wanted to punch him.
Instead, she groaned again and rolled onto her side. Maybe if she stayed here long enough, she could convince the universe to let her body heal before she had to suffer on that horse again.