I stared at it, but it didn't stare back, the darkness that enveloped me was as heartless as it was dark.
there was no taste, smell, sight, nor sound. Pitch black stretched out from all directions
I didn't know what i was, or rather if i was anything. 'Am i just a floating consciousness?' I wondered. 'No, i was something. I know I was a thing before I 'became' this endless void'
its like a feeling crawling from the deepest parts of hell, explaining to me my identity. but trying to figure this turmoil was as hard as feeling anything in this damned void.
I couldn't feel my body, the one I knew was there. It was like a bird with its wings severed, still tormented by the phantom pain of a desperate urge to fly.
Maybe I should be grateful that I still have remnants of emotion left—albeit negative ones. They felt elusive, unclear. Whether it was because they lacked reason or because of the state I was in, I wasn't sure.
anger, sorrow, fear, hate, and the most painful emotion, loneliness. They were all that kept me tethered to my identity, or perhaps it was the only words that my mind was able to hold onto, 'run, lead a purposeful life till the day you become of my past'.
Those words lingered, echoing through my mind. They anchored me to my sanity, I saw myself embracing those words as a child embraces his mother.
suddenly confused, i questioned my own example. 'mother?' the term felt close. yet i wasn't sure what it meant. 'no, no, its... i know what it means! so why? why cant i seem to understand it!? no, why cant i remember anything!?' I cried out.
other than the words and emotions i had, there was nothing else to my existence. 'i got proof of my existence, yet there is no evidence here in this void' i thought to myself. which did not even feel like a thought, But more like a projection of feelings set to represent the words in my mind.
a sigh escaped my mind as i pondered to what i could even do here, in this void there was nothing that could be done. Much less lead a purposeful life.
'life' i stated to myself. life was as unclear as the word mother. i repeated the word a second time, then a third, hoping to remember what it meant. out of nowhere a clear realisation further anchored me to my identity, 'i had a life'. outside of this void, or rather before it, i knew that i had a life, an identity. despite not having any memories of my previous life, i simply knew that i had one.
i tried moving the body that i knew was supposed to be there, but i wasn't able to feel anything. not the movement, nor any resistance that should've followed every movement, that at least would've helped me figure out what this void might be. but there was nothing that proved i had a body.
´run, lead a purposeful life till the day you become of my past´, the words echoed through my mind. Despite not understanding what it even meant, it comforted me to have them.
Suddenly I felt a pair of eyes piercing my existence, like eyes tearing the walls of darkness to check up on me. A moment later, they disappeared. Was it the void? Did it stare back at me? Knowing how ridiculous it sounded, I began doubting my sanity.
frustration grew as my consciousness floated in nothingness, i felt my sanity being questioned by every moment that passed. Despite not understanding the passage of Time in this place.
i grew restless as all meaning to my existence fell off to oblivion. i tried letting off a scream, hoping that anything would be reflected in this void. when no sound nor ripple echoed through it, i felt like i was drowning in an endless ocean of despair.
this void, is it just a testament to my sanity?
Frustration grew with the questions that rose. Questions regarding what I was or who I was, 'did I die?' i thought to myself, perhaps hoping the void would care to confirm that.
a few thoughts passed by trying to answer the questions, however. with every answer, more questions rose.
after a while of questioning my state, whatever structure held my thoughts together felt heavy. thoughts grew cloudy and senseless. it felt like a second dark veil covered my mind, there was nothing i could do other than float there as my very thoughts grew cloudy, then dark.
* * *
out of nowhere, a sensation rammed my consciousness awake.
it was a sudden sensation that was refreshing, after spending what seemed like forever in nothingness i finally had something i could feel.
the sensation was the feeling of my finger!
after what seemed like an eternity i was able to sense a single finger. despite how insignificant it may seem, after having my entire sanity toyed with by this void, it felt like true bliss.
i kept wiggling my finger, perhaps hoping to strengthen my connection, my awareness to where my body might be. which didn't seem to do anything, instead of strengthening any connection to other parts of my body, i was instead able to feel what my finger was touching, a soft fabric.
I wandered around with what I now know to see if it could help me remember any of my previous memories, but it was to no avail. my past memories were all like a distant star that i could never hope to reach.
after a while passed, i was surprised to start feeling my eye lids. i could open and close it, but all i could see was white and black flashes, there were no colours nor any clarity to my vision.
despite that, hope sprouted in my chest, however. as soon as i felt the warmth of hope reached my chest. it drew in rigged breaths. in that instance i wished i was turned to dust. it felt like lava was being poured down my lungs, which only grew with every moment that passed.
after a while, my fingers felt like they were being dipped in acid, as if the skin was being torn apart in the most heinous way and rebuild only for it to be torn once more.
i tried to cry for help, pleading for death to just yank my soul away from this hellish pain. but it was all to no avail.
the pain was gruesome. my consciousness flared in and out, the pain kept tearing my mind apart, the luxury of expressing the pain wasn't available to help me deal with the lava that was being poured inside me.
It felt like my brain was being burned from the inside out. Internal screams were spread across all my thoughts, however. The void showed no effects by the torment that was slowly, but surely, tearing my sanity apart.
I cried, begged, and pleaded for help. Whatever could happen needed to happen now. I knew as a fact that nothing could ever be more painful than what was happening right now. i tried moving around, tried to extinguish my lungs with my mind like some sort of magician, tears left my eye lids as every attempt was futile.
it felt like an eternity has passed, i wasn't aware of how long i was in this hell.
´hell?´ i questioned myself, ´what hell? im just floating in this... this void? no, just no. there was something else, something else that happened. i was remenesing about the negative emotions´, i remembered. ´and then... yeah those words. but then something else happened, i got tired and sort of fell asleep. and then woke up.´
yet there was still something missing. ´what was i calling a hell?´ i huffed, which then clicked in place. ´its that hellish pain´ i remembered. but i couldnt feel it anymore.
Wether I had lost sanity or the burning sensation was now at ease, was a question I couldn't answer. 'am i in hell? is it attempting to make me question my own sanity, in order to break me that way? or am i already insane? did i actually lose sanity already? but what would even happen now? what was the purpose of it all? why? in the end i wouldve been broken wether i had any or none' i cried out, then laughed at myself for how pathetic my state was, then i screamed as desperation did not allow me to give up to this hell.
'run, lead a purposeful life till the day you become of my past' i remembered. the comfort it held was gone, i didnt want to hope to ever escape this void. it is all to break me and make me suffer, 'ill just break myself and give up instead' i acknowledged, 'you cant break something if its already broken'.
i tried reaching for my finger, hoping that i still could move it after enduring hell. however, another sensation followed my finger, it was my hand. surprised, i tried moving it, and so my hand grasped a tug of the fabric bellow me. my chest tightened and a howl escaped my throat.
sound?! i was able to hear something!
it was only at that moment that i had realised two things. one is that the pain previously in my lungs, was in fact gone. instead of a death like grip around my lungs, was slow and even breaths. the second realisation was that i was able to hear, i was able to sense my ears. it was quiet. wherever i might've been, was a deafening silence. which must've been the reason why i hadn't realised it earlier.
i spent a few moments enjoying the peace of mind i was gifted with, getting a good feel for my breathes. as well as the sound of my breathing which was exciting. i lived in this emptiness for a couple thousand thoughts, yet only now did i truly feel alive.
letting my mind rest for a while, then went back into feeling my body. then i remembered, ´this is hell right? its only trying to give me hope... right?´ despite my doubts, i wanted to believe that the suffering truly was over. but i couldn't help myself to believe it.
as time passed, more of my body parts regained its senses. my abdominal contracted weakly, legs twitched as i felt them back in my reach, however. after every muscle regained, i awaited hellish torture, but nothing happened. ´is it truly over?´ i asked myself, yet there was no answer.
my mind was overwhelmed with bliss, regaining some parts of my body was truly an intoxicating feeling, jerking my body a bit, i was able to identify that i was lying on a bed, the springiness along with the softness that pressed against my back made it evident.
however. i wasn't sure what i was supposed to do, 'can i really escape this void?' i questioned myself 'wait... i can feel parts of my body, yet they seem to be on a bed. is my consciousness merely placed outside of my body, and it is only now that it is breaking free? no... it doesnt make sense, if my consciousness was gone then how could my body alone survive? but what if it wasnt my consciousness that was sealed?'
it was only then that i was able to learn a very important lesson... thinking too much was tiring.
after a while, hope began to stir within me-faint, yet persistent
Slight irritation found its way to my neck, as light flashed across my eyes in a sudden burst. "just what is going on?" i thought, but this time the thought didnt feel like a controlled wave of emotions, but a hazy voice. which my mind perhaps assigned at the time it heard my howl.
'wait thats right, i have a mouth!', after a moment of thoughts i tried to release a sound. "aeeh, eugh, haeg", my voice left out like the first words of a child, except that my voice had a lower tone. it felt like i knew how to speak, but i lacked the control needed to exert the words i intended.
shifting my body up, i lifted my hand up to my throat, then releasing a breath. what i intended to sound as ´hello, is anyone here?´ to see if i had control over my mouth, and hope that anyone nearby would notice me. But what came out instead was "heuo, ayoe hei?". Not only did disappointment grow, but embarrassment as well. as it seems, i lacked control over both my tongue, as well as my jaw.
considering how i regained control over my body bit by bit, i decided to leave my tongue and jaw to come back on their own accord.
after a while, i found myself tempted by the idea of leaving the bed. ´what if something like that lava would happen again?´ i thought to myself as fear gripped my heart, the pain of that burning sensation still fresh in my mind. ´yknow what? screw it! i dont care whatever bullshit lays ahead anymore!´
shifting my body to the top of the bed, then waving my hand around. i felt it, the wall. since my vision has yet to return, ill need to move around using other methods. using the wall to walk around seemed to be the only method for now.
After realising that I still couldn't fully move my legs yet, I decided to sit back on the bed for a while.
´yeah maybe ill just rest for a bit longer´ i accepted happily.
As my head hit the pillow, pain jumped across the upper back of my neck. Which was rather bearable. Raising my arm up to my head, I placed my hand on where the pain spread. it was a weird sensation, which felt like some sort of warm flesh.
a scar as i assumed was spread right on my upper neck, Which then clicked in place. ´I have lost my memories after being hit on the head´, but then doubts rose. 'If I did get hit on the head and fell unconscious shouldn't there at least be someone close to check on me? Does that mean that I haven't even spent a long time here?' Remembering the pain that engulfed in my chest with the suffering that followed, made me doubt it all. My chest grew tighter as I realised I was holding my breath, I couldn't accept the fact that all the suffering I've been through was mere moments.
i had thought about checking my clothes, but wasnt sure how it could help, considering how im still blind. however, whatever i was wearing did feel stiff.
my legs shivered as they gained their senses. 'about damn time' i thought to myself. Jumping to my legs felt refreshing, but my body felt a bit heavy. then a moment later i was still standing, ´well at least my body wont try fooling around´ I relaxed.
sweeping my arm around, i felt the wall. Then I began taking short steps and after the 10th step, my head hit the wall. as annoyance radiated from my chest, I hoped no one was in fact around.
I turned left and continued to follow the wall until my hand found the frame of a door. I began groping the door looking for the handle, 'this definitely would've looked weird if there had been any bystanders' I acknowledged.
it took a while before i was finally able to find the handle. After attempting to twist the handle, the door could not be opened. "Just why is this crap closed now?!" I shouted, but sounded more like moans instead. Which only acted as fuel to my rage.
I lifted my leg up and kicked the door with all my strength. the door was sent out flying, despite my still weakened legs.
Seeing my marvel I puffed my chest victoriously.
stepping out of the room, caused a simple sting at the back of my head where the scar should've been. Then a numbing feeling radiated from my left arm as it felt awake now, it did however need a bit of movement to get the blood moving.
turning around I decided to use it a bit, then decided to place my hand on the left wall to resume my exploration. The wall which guided me had a paper like texture, it felt smooth and flawless. Which made me question what this place was, a house? A hospital? Continuing through the long hallway, made me consider the latter.
When my hand finally reached the end of the wall, I waved my hand around to find that the path was now continuing to the left
As I held on to the wall again and took a step forward, my foot failed to land on any solid ground. My feet was pulled down as I failed to react in time, then my entire body followed.