CHAPTER 1
I'm ok. I'm fine.
These small but deadly lies I tell people every day to avoid the interaction. I guess I'm just a eccedentesiast (which in the case of most people who don't know what that word means. It means to hide pain behind a smile).
My entire life I have been hiding from my emotions. Emotions are the reason I am who I am now. If only I knew sooner I could've saved myself.
But all that will be gone in 2 years. No more teachers or people staring. In 2 years my life will be mine and I will be free for this insanity.
And I mean this sincerely, To whoever decided to invent high school. I mean COME ON. which idiot decided to put lots of 14 -18-year-olds in the same place for 4 long grusifing years?
With stupid student cliques and little to no maturity and teachers that don't give a shit about any of it. And that's no even including all of the homophobic and pateriarcale people. On top of that once your in high school you can forget about you mental health. Let alone any chance you had at saving it.
Junior year. 11th grade. 2 friends and all i want to do is die (don't worry i only mean this figuratively, most of the time.). Oh yeah, and perfect grades, or should i say used to be perfect.
As soon as i leave this stupid intuit of underage idiots (edit - self-obsessed Idiots). I will be able to be my own person. With my own thoughts and opinions.
I once read that the most deadly phrase in the human language is
" I'm Fine".
But yet all people say it all the time even when they're not.
"Emery!"
"EMERY! Stop daydreaming in class"
Again, my teacher. Miss Tobby ( the gruelling history teacher herself) was snapping her fingers agresivly in my face and telling me to STOP daydreaming. There were scribbles on my paper and everyone was staring.
It had suddenly occurred to me that prior to the daydream I was trying to write an essay for that particular class.
"Are you ok?" she mumbled at me
"I'M FINE!"
"JESUS CHRIST WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP ASKING ME THAT" I yelled,
I didn't realise that I had said that out loud or that i had shouted at the teacher. The next thing I knew I was sitting outside the principal's office like usual. In the last week alone I had been sent to the office for a total of 5 times. And mind you it had only 2 days in the week and the second week of school that year.
My body language would have said all of my emotions with my tapping right foot on the floor, my crossed arms and the expression on my face.
I would have given anything to go back to last year. Before all of this, i always said I'm fine. Back to when I was popular, to my innocent and safe mind, when no one stared and i had good grades.
In that reality I had my first and only boyfriend.
My life was perfect.
I guess I just didn't understand how my life could go so quickly to shit. It happened in only 20 seconds ( and yes I counted) thanks to one party at the end of sophomore year. The leaving party for the seniors.
(As much as I wanted my life to be perfect it wasn't)
SORRY, Not the point. At all in any way. My life was still perfect. Perfectly perfect. Wait no what another word for perfect
idealWithout fault
No. flawless. Flawlessly flawless.
God. Stop Emery you are doing it again. Be simple, don't question yourself, be polite, nice, well composed and of course FLAWLESS.
AHHH! Why is life sooo hard?
Wait slow down. Life shouldn't go this fast.
COLD HAND on my leg.
WHO? WAIT NO.
"Get off of me"
I was yelling again at the one person I truly hated. The person who destroyed my life and made it go to ABSOLUTE SHIT.
20 SECONDS
LEWIS, my ex the one and only.
My nails were in my arms again.
WAIT. NO. STOP.
Again out loud. SHIT. He was walking away and then he just stopped in his trakes and wisperd
"What? Do you finally understand how this works do you"
"LEAVE ME ALONE. You idiotic human being"
Embraced in a Hug.
That I can't escape in any way at all. I was crying and whaling and it was all gone all feeling in my legs. My mouth was covered by him. And his voice told me this
"If you shout I will know. If you tell I will know. Where ever you run to I will find you. And if you tell and especially if you tell, I promise you will diasapere from this world without a trace. So scream all you like but remember this I WILL ALWAYS KNOW."
He let go and left the scene. Thank god. I was done and wanted to go home.
In tears.
WAIT. STOP. EMERY
Don't cry, be proper, don't show emotion, have a life, don't be perfect, be kind, be nice and FLAWLESS. EMERY STOP CRYING.
You stupid girl.
Stand up sit down. Head down and don't cry. Reach into your bag. Get your phone and headphones and put on music
(for reference - BRUTAL by OLIVIA RODRIGO)
The sound of music is currently the only thing that calm me down. My breath was fast, my foot was tapping the ground faster than ever and the pinching had recommended and I didn't stop it, not this time.
My cheeks are red and sticky from tears.
I look at my hand with all the doodles.
In full, I think the teacher would describe me as a kid who burned out before it "actually" mattered. But it was so much more than that.
"Emery Lane, the principal will see you now"
For the next hour, I was seated in the office with my Mother seated next to me. They were talking about how I had lost my good girl touch from last year and how before this i was a canderdit for valorvictorian. But if I didn't start concentrating that would no longer be an option. (I honestly didn't care, not at all).
Then the question
"Emery. ARE YOU OK? You haven't been yourself recently"
"I'M FINE! GOT IT MOM? I'M FUCKING FINE.
GOT IT, OK!'
(At that moment I realised what I had said and I just knew that I was grounded. Not that my mum would say it to my face at school, she would wait until we got home and then start to lecture me about how I was changing, blah blah blah)
"EMERY! Earth to Emery. Come in Emery." my mother said tourtenly to me. "You zoned out again," she said to me with a tone in her voice.
RING!
The bell for lunch and I was still in the principal's office. "I believe you will want to eat your lunch. Off you go while I finish talking to your mum"
There was no hope for me now. I would just have to stick out the day. There was no going home. Not today. And knowing my Mother i would have to be at school all week.