It's April 2, 2021. 8pm, Friday evening. Resumption is two weeks away. I'm sitting at the dinner table with my family. The atmosphere is tense, no words are spoken. Only the sounds of spoon against plate break the silence. The clink of cutlery on porcelain echoes in the stifling silence of our family dinner. Mom's lips are pressed into a thin line, her eyes avoiding Dad's gaze. Dad, on the other hand, keeps his eyes downcast, picking at his food with a forced casualness.
Few hours before. My siblings and I heard Mom and Dad arguing. Mom was screaming at the top of her lungs. Dad had cheated again. He promised he would stop. He swore. He didn't stop. Mom wanted a divorce. Dad didn't. He said he'd stop for real this time. Mom said he's full of shit. She said she would tell us about their separation and eventual divorce that evening.
It's April 2, 2021. 8:04 pm, Friday evening. Resumption is two weeks away. I'm sitting at the dinner table with my family. Dad breaks the tense silence "Mhm Matt," he calls me. I don't like the name Matt. I much prefer being called by my other name, Damon. But nobody knows that. I don't tell them. Same way I don't like this food. But Mom thinks it's my favorite. She enjoys cooking it for me, so I don't mind eating it. Story of my life, everyone else is happy, everyone but me.
"Yes Dad," I respond.
"How's your prep for school going?" he asks, half looking at me, half battling to pick up a pickle on his plate.
I shrug "Dunno. Haven't thought of it at all."
A lie. It's all I've been able to think of in days.
"Well, I'm not worried about your academics. You'd fit right in into the school. It's the other things that bother me."
By other things, he means my social life. I don't have many friends. No, I don't have any friends.
There was Isiaih, but he moved away with his family last summer. His dad got a new job in Hong Kong. We tried to stay in touch, but the time difference made it difficult. Eventually, we just stopped. He still wishes me on my birthday, and I on his. But they're empty gestures. We're not really friends anymore.
There was also Dylan. He didn't move away, but he got a chance to join the cool kids circle in senior year of high school, and he took it. Cool kids don't talk with the weirdos, like me, so we stopped talking. I didn't blame him though. I'll choose the cool kids too.
I never got another friend. Even Isaih and Dylan were my friends since middle school. Our parents were friends, so we spent a lot of time together, and that's how we became friends.
The weird kids in school tried to befriend me, but even they thought I was too weird. I was the outcast of outcasts.
But nobody really tried to get to know me. They just assumed I was this edgy emo kid with dark vibes. To be fair to them, I could see how that was their impression, because I was always brooding.
But I am the opposite, I love romance and comedy movies. I like to make lots of friends. But I don't know how to approach people. The word dies on my tongue when I try to speak, or come out dumber than I intended, which gave off weirdo vibes.
So, I stopped trying. I focused on myself. I like science and math and psychology and many other fields. I like knowing how things work, and why they work. I find it fascinating when a secret reveals itself to me because I solved it.
But that gets boring when that's all you do, all the time. I want more. That's why I made a resolution. To reinvent myself at my new school. Nobody knows who I am there. I can be, different.
I don't say anything to Dad's words. He didn't really ask a question. So, the tense silence returns.
It's April 2, 2021. 8:08 pm, Friday evening. Resumption is two weeks away. I'm sitting at the dinner table with my family. Mom breaks the tense silence this time "Your father and I are getting separated."
Caroline, my youngest sibling, aged fifteen, shoots up from her seat. She bangs the table hard "Why?" Caroline's rise from her seat is like a shot from a starting pistol, her face red with shock or anger, it's hard to tell. I study her, it looks like she's genuinely surprised. But we all heard Mom and Dad's argument. Maybe she hoped it wasn't true.
Dad tries to speak, but Mother raises a hand that silences him. Instead, she speaks "Caroline baby, I..."
But Caroline doesn't wait to hear, she runs off to her room crying. Mom follows after her, she's the last of four siblings, the only girl, of course, they baby her.
My father leans in and whispers "We're not actually getting a divorce by the way. All she needs is a little time to cool off."
Logan speaks, our second oldest "Maybe she shouldn't calm down. Maybe she should divorce your unfaithful ass." Logan's words are sharp, cutting through the tension like a knife. Dad looks flustered "Logan, you dare..." But Logan is already leaving, Dad's words are wasted on him.
Leo stands up now, our oldest. He's 22, only just finished college. At home till he gets a job. "Jesus Christ, Dad. Is it that hard to keep it in your pants?" Leo, standing now, his expression is one of weary disappointment. "I've seen the women you cheat on Ma with. None of them are as hot as her. You just have a serious problem. Fix it, before it ruins you. Before it ruins us."
He walks off. Dad looks pale, his hands are trembling. This is the first time Logan and Leo speak about his infidelity.
He shoots me a glance, waiting for my own. But I don't say anything. Instead, I look down at my food and continue to eat.
I don't like this food, but I hate wasting even more.
Dad's a piece of shit. But I don't say that. I never say what I think. It's better that way. I don't offend anyone if I don't open my mouth.
It's April 16, 2021. 9 am, Sunday morning. Resumption is tomorrow. I'm sitting at the back of the car. Dad is driving, Mom is sitting in the other front seat.
Dad was right. She didn't separate from him. She gave him another chance. She always does. I wonder when that cycle will break, if it breaks. And the fallout.
But no matter, I'm on my way to the airport. I'm starting college. New beginnings for me, I'm going to break my own cycle.
I look at the rear-view mirror. I see myself smiling.
New beginnings indeed.