Hireath (ˈhɪəraɪθ ) noun. a nostalgic longing for a place which can never be revisited.
.an awareness of the presence of absence, kindling a feeling in which pain and joy are braided too tightly to untangle
.It captures a deep, bittersweet feeling of longing and nostalgia that goes beyond simply missing a place or person. It encompasses a sense of melancholy and wistfulness for a past that can't be recaptured.
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It's her wedding day. Dressed in the finest red silk embroidered with gold thread. There's a crown heavy on her head.
It is the 24th day of the Great Heat. The last period of summer before the frost began.
The palace is made of jade, the doors painted gold and locked so tight there is no hope of getting them open.
She was born 18 eclipses before, during the first vestiges of light. An auspicious birth the monks said.
The window then, big and unguarded because who would jump from a second story into a garden filled with thorny plants and ponds?
It's her wedding day. The ceremony completed a mere two hours before.
It is the 24th day. Her wedding feast has just begun.
It is her 18th birthday and all those dreams she fostered and nurtured for 18 years have just gone up in wispy, citrus plum blossom scented smoke.
It is the first day of the rest of her life.
The first day of her imprisonment.
Meihua had not considered this outcome when she'd learned of the marriage arrangement two years before. She'd thought the marriage would be the start of a new life of freedom and adventure.
Of independence.
The first step to her eventual ascension.
Her mother, Kang Su, spoke of the devotion of spouses. Her best friend, Sui Jiang, of the passion of romance and the heat between two bodies. Her father, Lau Wudu, spoke of the trust between partners, the sharing of burdens.
Meihua had been terribly enchanted by the idea of it. Of someone she could truly talk to. Who would respond with more than 'yes, your grace', 'I understand, your highness', 'I'll have to check with Empress first, your grace', and 'I don't believe the Emperor would approve, Princess.'
Had been so terribly excited that she'd have someone who could take her beyond the seven walls that protected the Inner Palace from the Jeweled Capitol that sprawled out around it. And the country she was meant to rule beyond that.
It is her wedding day, her 18th birthday, when she learns her marriage is meant to be a cage of fine gold bars and jeweled chains.
Now its pouring ran as she runs. Forty pounds of wet silk and cotton weighing her down as she races through the Empress' Garden to the first wall. Because the other option is turning back, staying,
She has spent her entire life in this palace so far, despite numerous attempts as a child to see the world beyond. For her own safety they'd all insisted. The only child of the Emperor had to be protected. In her childhood attempts, she'd only ever made it as far as the Fourth Wall before being caught and returned to her tutors.
When they were very young, her new husband had even aided in her attempts. Until he'd turned silent and serious in his teenage years and stopped indulging her dreams of exploration.
Li Jie had grown up in the palace with her, from ages five to fourteen, but he came from a powerful clan in the Southern Border Lands. Until they'd turned twelve, and Sui Jiang had become her lady in waiting, he'd been the only person in the Inner Palace close to her age.
"They had roles and responsibilities," he repeated, never sounding very happy about it. "This is what we do." Parroting parents and teachers who'd been raised to pass on the accepted way.
The First Wall is easy to climb. Even in rain in her wedding silks. Trees lined it to give the illusion of a forest instead of a carefully curated terrarium.
She breaks a few nails climbing, but the low branches of the plum trees haven't been trimmed yet so she makes her way to the highest branch she can quickly.
There was nothing but a patrol path between the First and Second Walls, but they were close enough that if she climbed high enough, she could jump directly to the top of the Second Wall.
The wedding feast is still going and will go until well past dawn. The court is gathered, the city is celebrating, her parents are presiding above it all, and her new husband is in love with someone else.
She tries to calm her breathing as she waits for the pared down patrol to pass. She knows from reading those books she'd borrowed from the library on cultivation that controlling your breathing controlled your Qi. Meihua didn't have any Qi to speak of, but it always helped not to hyperventilate.
When she was a child and made this leap, she landed on her stomach with no issue.
As an adult, she's quite certain she cracks something. The force of it knocks the air from her lungs and all her wet silk unbalances her, sending her windmilling over the edge to land with a thud and a wheeze.
She has to lay there for just a moment to get her breath back.
She still doesn't understand why. All her life has been devoted to her studies, to learning how the empire run. To preparing to lead it.
She learned economic theory, mathematics and statistics, memorized the different judicial branches and understood the major case law of the last decade. She could point out all the major cities and important water and trade ways on a map. She knew which regions produced the best meat, who grew the most rice, who struggled to grow anything.
She memorized an empire she was never allowed to see.
The thought spurs her on and Meihua picks herself up out of the mud. The rain has been falling non-stop for hours, a bad omen that had begun at the same time as her wedding ceremony, turning the unpaved roads into muddy quagmire designed to get in her way.
The hand sewn red slippers she'd been given for her wedding were ruined only a few stops in.
The Third Wall is more daunting, if only because its directly insight of the guard towers along the Fourth.
When she was younger, and smaller, she'd crawled through an old drainage pipe and it's both disheartening, because that glaring security concern is still there, and heartening, because she still fits, as she crawls through it. Her hair catches a few times, leaving evidence for her pursuers to find, but as long as she doesn't stop. If she stays far enough ahead, she can be outside the Seventh Wall before they realize she's missing.
As long as they don't catch her first.
She stops at the opening of the drainage pipe to watch the nearest guard tower, waiting for a flicker of the signal light.
The public was told the towers were all manned, but Meihua knew from eavesdropping on the guards that only the dark towers were manned. Signal fires were used to communicate between the Palace Guards which towers were unmanned, while the civilians believed they were manned.
With the celebration, most of the guards had been pulled from this side, the Eastern sector, to the main thoroughfare on the Southwestern sector. One of every tower was manned now and though the guards were supposed to rotate every hour, on a night like this, they would step foot out of their warm, dry towers without an order form their commander.
She just had to find an unmanned tower. The chill has set in by the time she caught the flicker of the signal fire in the rain, and she could crawl out, dash across the road and into the empty tower.
And then there's the Fifth Wall.
This is the farthest she's ever gotten. The storm is helping, the city will flood soon if it keeps up and she's fleeing though the wealthy Eastern Sector, where most of the occupants are at her wedding celebration instead of home to see her stealing through their streets like a thief in the shadows.
She picks up her skirts, mourns the loss of the slipper she'd actually liked, and dashes through a growing lake of water in the middle of a crossway.
Everything she knows is behind her now.
Her parents are back on their thrones.
The maids and guards who have looked after her since birth are back in her home.
The tutors that have lectured her every day for years back in their classrooms.
Her best friend is back in the palace in the arms of Meihua's new husband.
Sui Jiang had been personally chosen by the Empress as her daughter's first lady in waiting. The daughter of a low-born banished concubine of a high ranked government censor, it had caused a stir initially, but Meihua had adored her. Sui Jiang had been the first female friend she'd ever had and, at a few years older, had seemed worldly and mature in all things.
Meihua had hung on her every word, asked her question after question, when her first blood had come, she'd gone straight to Jiang, who had talked her out of the belief that she was dying and welcomed her into womanhood.
She'd confided in her about her crush on Li Jie and pointed out which guards she thought was cure that week. Meihua had no secrets from Sui Jiang, but apparently Sui Jiang had kept a rather large one from her.
A burst of anger helps her claw her way up and over the Fifth Wall, though she rolls an ankle when she lands on the other side.
With only two left, her heartbeat kicks up. The celebrated Golden Way cultivation sect, the only one allowed to base itself in the Jeweled Capitol is at her celebration or there's no doubt she would have been found by now. Though they operated independently of any branch or body of the government, her father was still the Emperor and more than once they'd been called on to find her when she'd snuck out or hidden in a sulk.
One of their senior disciples had even been her tutor for a short period, teaching her the history of cultivation, the sects, and telling Meihua she didn't have the Qi to train in cultivation.
She'd been heartbroken, but her mother had explained that Princesses destined to become Empresses did not become anything but Empress.
Empress Kang Su had been born to a noble clan whose blood went back to the founding of the Empire of Xi nearly 700 years prior. She knew better than anyone the roles individuals were required to fill in all walks of life, but she'd never been able to give Meihua an acceptable reason why, other than that was the way.
The way was she was never seen in anything less than twenty pounds of silk and makeup and jewels. Why she spoke only to those of certain station and never showed her beloved husband, the Emperor, any affection in public.
Why Meihua had eight hours of classes a day, then training in presentation and speech and how to maintain her appearance for another four.
Why the search and then negotiation for Meihua's husband had taken years.
It had all seemed terribly noble and respectable and high vaulted until a couple hours ago.
The Sixth Wall is in front of her now. Luck is with her it seems. A servant's door is nearby and unlocked.
The reason why is quickly obvious, on the other side the sixth level has already flooded. The break between the walls is already covered in several inches of dirty water.
It soaks the hems of her silks despite her best efforts.
They cost more than most families make in a lifetime, her mother had told her repeatedly. Usually followed immediately by, don't you dare spill anything on them.
She'd nearly been banned from eating at her own wedding feast, but Sui Jiang had come to her rescue and assured the Empress she would personally take responsibility for the care of her silks.
So, take that Sui Jiang, not that she could go back and tell her that, but it felt good to think of it at least.
It had taken eight experienced maids four hours to wrestle Meihua into her wedding silks and another three to do her hair and makeup. She'd had guards a few steps away the entire day due to the value of her jewelry. Earrings and a circlet that had been a gift from her father, a necklace from Li Jie's family, and two rings from General Pei, one of the most senior military officials in the empire.
Her mother had tried to make her return he jewels immediately after the official ceremony, but her father had stepped in and let her keep it for the celebration.
Empress Kang Su often complained Emperor Lao Wudu was too lenient with his only child, but those few moments marked the few times Meihua could remember having fun with her parents.
The flood waters took on a sickly, rotted smell as garbage and waste floated by. Meihua crossed the street to the Seventh and final wall.
Thankfully, by virtue of being the wall seen by the citizens of the Jeweled Capitol, it boasted innumerable small windows and decorations, and it occurred to her as they caught her eye, that this was it.
The Seventh Wall. The last wall.
All she knew was behind her and all she yearned to learn in front of her.
She scratched the gemstones on her slippers and silks and tore the skin on her fingertips and palms, but she made it to the top, desperate and gasping.
She got stuck for a moment, the top layer of her wedding silks caught on a torch post, and she had to yank until it came free.
There would have been public outcry if anyone had seen her then. A young lady of the nobility, married no less, flashing her bare legs for the whole world to see, but at least she fell over the other side as soon as her silks came loose.
The flooding on the first level of the civilian portion of the city wasn't deep enough to cushion her fall and her head struck a rock concealed by the murky water. Too dazed to move, water soaked through the rest of her silks, and she nearly drowned when she tried to breathe through the pain and inhaled water.
The shock was enough to drive her to wrench herself up, chest heaving as she threw up the water and then everything she'd eaten that morning before the ceremony.
It also swirled around her as she stumbled to her feet.
The nearby buildings were all dark. There'd be a festival along the main street to celebrate her wedding and the rain had likely driven most people into the inns and restaurants that lined it.
And it was late, anyone who didn't care about her wedding and stayed home was likely asleep. The strict schedule she'd followed in the Inner Palace would have had her in bed hours ago.
Sleep, according to her mother, was the most important ingredient in retaining a youthful appearance. Meihua had never gone a day in her life without spending eight hours of it in a bed and the exhaustion was starting to set in. On top of the nerves and hours of kneeling during the wedding, all of it together had her feeling more exhausted than she ever had before.
She spit a few times, trying to get rid of the grit washed into her mouth by the water.
She could stop here.
The farthest she'd ever made it.
The civilian buildings were wood and clay, curtains hung in some windows but not in all. Shoes of all kinds were piled on stands by the doors. There were even some clothes hanging on lines that hadn't been brought in. They built on top of one another, for three to four floors all piled on top of one another, but it varied by each building she looked at. Some of them were barely standing. Some had patches made with whatever material had been on hand at the time.
The last time Meihua had cracked a teacup the entire set had been replaced before the next service.
Rain turned the streets to mud, but she could feel patches of stonework in places. It wasn't flat by any means, but it was slightly less slippery than the rest. Occasionally, debris and garbage washed past her.
Behind a blanket of rain, it was a muddled cityscape of muted browns and greys, dotted by a few hazy lights that hadn't been put out for the night. The Inner Palace was jade and gold and perfectly manicured gardens and carefully decorated rooms. Everything had its place, and nothing was merely set down for a moment.
Even though her head was throbbing, her clothes were soaked, and the chill was seeping into her bones, Meihua had never seen anything so beautiful.
She could just make out the edge of the city in the distance. The gentle slope of the hill the palace sat on continued for another fifty blocks, for a total of fifty-five between the Seventh Wall and the Outer Wall, a three-story menace lined with guard towers that controlled the four gates that allowed entry to the Jeweled City and represented the municipal boundary of the city.
What lay beyond it was a mystery.
~ tbc