The sweet smell of a perfect morning wafted through the air. The sun peeked gently over the Hidden Leaf Village, birds chirped happily in the trees, and a soft breeze rustled the leaves. It was the kind of day that made people want to get up early and seize the moment.
Not Oten.
Oten was lying in a hammock he had strategically strung between two thick trees on the outskirts of the village. He had spent most of the morning setting it up, not because it was hard, but because he had done it as slowly as humanly possible. Efficiency? Never heard of her.
Now, in his ideal state of existence—completely horizontal with zero responsibilities—he was ready to sleep the day away. His hands rested behind his head, and his straw hat shielded his face from the sun. He was on the verge of slipping into a nap so deep that even the Akatsuki couldn't wake him.
Until **it** showed up.
"VESSEL OF ULTIMATE DESTRUCTION! WAKE UP, YOU INSUFFERABLE WASTE OF BREATH!"
The voice in his head exploded like an angry thunder god, sending Oten lurching awake so violently that his hammock swung wildly. He grabbed the sides, clinging on for dear life, as his peaceful world crumbled around him.
"No," he groaned, glaring up at the sky. "No. No. No. Not today. I am not doing this."
"YOU SHALL LISTEN TO ME!" the voice boomed, rattling his skull like a gong. "YOU ARE THE CHOSEN HARBINGER OF CHAOS! THE SHADOW THAT WILL CONSUME THIS PATHETIC WORLD! THE—"
"—guy trying to nap," Oten interrupted flatly. He yanked his straw hat back over his face. "Seriously, System-chan, could you not? For once?"
"DO NOT CALL ME SYSTEM-CHAN!" it screeched, the indignation practically vibrating through his brain. "I AM THE CHAOS SOVEREIGN SYSTEM, THE ARCHITECT OF DESTRUCTION, THE—"
"—most annoying alarm clock I've ever met," Oten finished, turning on his side. "Why don't you go bother someone else? I'm sure there's a real villain out there who'd love your whole dramatic thing."
"YOU ARE MY VESSEL!" System-chan roared, its voice shaking with fury. "YOU SHALL OBEY ME AND WREAK HAVOC UPON THIS WORLD, OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES!"
"Or," Oten said, propping himself up on one elbow, "you could let me sleep."
"NO!" System-chan bellowed, its voice so loud that Oten flinched. "YOU MUST BEGIN YOUR REIGN OF TERROR IMMEDIATELY! DESTROY THE HOKAGE MOUNTAIN TO ASSERT DOMINANCE!"
Oten groaned and rubbed his temples. "Destroy it? That sounds like… a lot of work. Like, so much work. Climbing, explosions, running away from angry ninja… Yeah, no thanks."
"YOU CANNOT REFUSE YOUR DESTINY!" System-chan screamed. "YOU SHALL BRING THIS VILLAGE TO ITS KNEES!"
"Counter-proposal," Oten said, sitting up and fishing a black marker out of his pocket. "I draw mustaches on their faces and call it a day."
There was a long pause. The kind of pause that made Oten think he had just broken the system's brain.
"…I… That… FINE," System-chan said finally, its voice dripping with reluctant approval. "BUT ONLY BECAUSE CHAOS COMES IN MANY FORMS!"
"Glad we're on the same page." Oten hopped out of his hammock, stretched lazily, and started strolling toward the Hokage Monument. "This is gonna be fun."
---
**An hour later…**
Oten stood on a rickety ladder, carefully adding the finishing touches to his masterpiece. He had gone all out, leaving no Hokage untouched. The First Hokage now sported an enormous unibrow that could rival the thinnest of caterpillars. The Second Hokage had a monocle and a cartoonishly curled villain mustache. The Third Hokage? Oten had given him aviator sunglasses and written "#GrandpaSwag" across his forehead in bold letters.
He stepped back, wiping some marker smudges off his hands as he admired his work. The Hokage Monument, once a proud testament to leadership and strength, was now a hilarious piece of modern art.
"Magnificent!" System-chan declared, its voice full of theatrical glee. "THIS ACT OF DEFILEMENT SHALL SOW DISCORD AMONG THE VILLAGERS! THEY WILL RIOT! CHAOS SHALL REIGN SUPREME!"
"Eh," Oten said, leaning casually against the ladder. "I just think it's funny."
As if on cue, a group of villagers began gathering at the base of the monument, pointing up at the graffiti with wide eyes. There was a moment of stunned silence. Then someone snorted. Another burst into laughter. Soon, the entire crowd was clutching their sides, howling with mirth.
"NO!" System-chan screeched. "THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE OUTRAGED! WHERE IS THE CHAOS?!"
Oten smirked, hopping down from the ladder and strolling over to his hammock, which he had conveniently set up nearby. "Relax, System-chan. Chaos comes in flavors. This one's *low-fat.*"
One of the villagers, an old man with a straw hat, squinted up at the monument and nodded approvingly. "Honestly, the Second Hokage looks better with a mustache. Makes him look dignified."
A child tugged on his mother's sleeve. "Mom, can we draw mustaches on the Academy next?"
System-chan's rage hit critical levels. "I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS! YOU HAVE FAILED ME, VESSEL!"
"Failed you?" Oten said, lying down in his hammock and popping a rice cracker into his mouth. "Check the chaos points, buddy."
Ding!
[+50 Chaos Points for defiling a sacred monument!]
[+10 Bonus Points for creative use of mustaches.]
"See?" Oten said, leaning back with a smug grin. "I'm killing it."
"YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO THE TITLE OF CHAOS SOVEREIGN!" System-chan roared, its voice shaking with fury. "MARK MY WORDS, VESSEL. I WILL WHIP YOU INTO SHAPE. YOU WILL BECOME THE ULTIMATE VILLAIN, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!"
"Yeah, yeah," Oten muttered, already halfway to dreamland. "Wake me up when you've got a quest that doesn't involve me moving."
---
**The next morning…**
Oten's peaceful slumber was shattered by the sound of System-chan's dramatic screeching.
"NEW QUEST, VESSEL! RISE AND ACCEPT YOUR DESTINY!"
Oten groaned, pulling the hammock tighter around himself. "Five more minutes…"
"YOU HAVE NO MINUTES!" System-chan bellowed. "Main Quest: Assassinate a rival genin. Reward: Mangekyo Sharingan!"
That got Oten's attention. He sat up, squinting at nothing in particular. "Mangekyo Sharingan? For a genin? Isn't that a bit… overkill?"
"DO NOT QUESTION THE SYSTEM!" System-chan roared. "ACCEPT OR FACE PUNISHMENT!"
"Fine, fine," Oten muttered, scratching his head. "But I'm not actually killing anyone. Too much effort. I'll figure something out."
---
**At the training grounds…**
Oten crouched lazily under a tree, watching a group of genin sparring. His "target" was Daiki, a loud, overly confident kid with spiky hair and an ego big enough to blot out the sun. He was currently showing off his shuriken-throwing skills, shouting things like, "Watch this!" and, "Perfect accuracy! That's why they call me *Daiki the Deadly!*"
(For the record, no one called him that.)
"YES, VESSEL!" System-chan roared in his head. "STRIKE HIM DOWN! SHOW NO MERCY!"
"Yeah, no," Oten said, yawning. "I'm gonna do this my way."
While Daiki was busy showing off, Oten strolled over to the kid's training bag, humming to himself. He rifled through the contents and found what he was looking for: a pouch of kunai. With a grin, he swapped them out for a set of rubber replicas he had picked up earlier. They were bright pink and squeaked when squeezed. Perfect.
"There. Assassinated," Oten said, dusting off his hands.
"That's not an assassination!" System-chan wailed, sounding personally offended.
"Sure it is," Oten replied, leaning back against the tree. "I just assassinated his ability to look cool in front of his friends."