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It was a normal, quiet, and boring day, but you kept coming to my mind a lot..
Every time I try to stop thinking about you, to stop drowning in you, to detach myself from you, to move on without you, to live without you.. I find myself still standing here, loving you more, waiting for you, and no matter how much I try to think that you won't return, that you won't look at me, I can't!
I am still standing here, waiting for you..
I wish I were like you, strong, resilient, independent, not looking back at the past, distancing myself from everything that hurts me, not getting attached to anyone, but I am a tired spirit, a weak, exhausted soul, an unknown without you.. a demon.. that's what they told me!
Whenever I look around, I see eyes staring at me, mocking me, telling me that I will never move on, that I was created to live with you, that I am the dark shadow and you are the owner, that I am the torn body and you are the wings, that you are the angel and I am the devil..
Every time I thought I was moving on, every time I thought I was reaching the abyss, every time I thought it was my end, your ghost comes to me, embraces me, tells me that I can still fly, that the end hasn't come yet. I know you are the one sending your shades; please don't make it harder, I can hardly stop thinking about you!
I just wish you would leave my memory, so I wouldn't have known you, or loved you.
I can't believe we won't exist again.. I hope to wake up and find you brushing my hair, drawing me, singing to me and telling me, 'Look at me.. you are not a devil.'
Rina, it has been fifteen days and you still haven't come, should I perhaps stop waiting for you? I know i will when I die..
You lied to me, you told me you would return as you always do, you said you needed time, that you were tired and just needed to rest a little and come back, where are you now? I never knew you to be a liar, Rina!
We could have cried, danced, fought, looked at each other, hugged; we could have done so many things instead of this silence and hiding behind shadows.."
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I threw the phone onto my bed and walked toward the balcony, on the first floor, a balcony without a high railing, and the distance between it and the ground isn't far. This is something new to me; I had never had a balcony in my room before, and even the windows my father used to close with iron bars. Rina used to say we were a dark version of Rapunzel.
I entered the balcony as a notification sound came from my phone, which was something new to me.
I picked up the phone, and my eyes widened in disbelief.
"Do you have an account where you publish your works and what you write besides this?"
It's a message... from a girl I've followed for months, though I can't remember why I followed her in the first place. I replied without lowering my eyebrows.
"Yes, why?"
The girl replied at that moment, causing the phone to drop from my hand in shock. I picked it up and read her response.
"I enjoy your short writings that you put in your stories! I'm used to reading them and always waiting for them, but it has been a while since you posted anything new, so I thought I'd ask if I could read your golden letters more!"
I didn't realize the smile that appeared on my lips until I noticed my reflection on the screen. I dropped the smile and entered the application for the novels and stories where I publish. I copied the link to my account from it and sent it to her, then immediately turned off the phone and left the room.
"You are going to your new high school tomorrow. You're already two weeks late."
Her voice stopped me in the hallway. My hands clutched the edges of my black dress. I nodded at her without raising my gaze as I left the house.
Rina used to call life a abyss.
So lately, I had been thinking that the abyss is broken
I never reach the bottom; I just keep falling.
Every time I think I've reached it -the depths of the abyss- i find that I've returned to the surface and begin falling again!
I feel my feet leading me to the bridge path; visiting it daily has become a routine for me since I moved to this city a week ago.
I step toward it, lean on its pillars, and lift my gaze to the sun hidden behind the clouds.
I wish I had wings… made of wax.
I wish I had a body… made of ether.
I wish I had the courage… to fly.
You have it! You have the courage! You have the ability!
Fly… soar, Arachne… soar to the sun!
My feet are on the edge; I open my arms, my smile widens, and the sunlight shines brighter.
"I will fly! I will soar! To the sun, I will go!"
Fly, Arachne… soar!
"Arachne, no! No!"
Something grabs my arms, screaming, holding me tightly.
"You will not soar! You are without wings, Arachne… Your wings are clipped! Darkness will swallow you… the mist will swallow you!"
I push my body, scream, I will fly, I will soar, but her voice rises, pulling me from the edge of the bridge and throwing me to the ground.
"Rina… go! Stay away! I will soar!"
"You will not! You are human, Arachne! You are neither a demon nor an angel…"
Am I a monster? Or what am I…?
--
I sat on the ground, stretching my legs in front of me and leaning against the wall, muttering along with the song playing from my phone while I fiddled with it.
{If I showed you my soul would you cover your eyes?}
I received many notifications from the writing app where I publish. I entered the app without stopping my muttering, and my eyes widened over a hundred comments!
{If I told you the truth would you dare me to lie?}
All from the same person, Beatrice… the girl who asked for my account this morning.
{If I told you the truth you'd beg me to change}
Her last notification was a message; I opened it, and a haze covered my eyes.
{Voices in my head again
Beating me in a war I can't win
I can hear them now
Trapped in a game inside my own skin}
"Hey, Are you okay, Miss Arachne…?"
Why am I crying…?
{And I don't know myself anymore
They're pulling me under}
My fingers tapped rapidly on the screen, writing and deleting, writing and deleting, then I accidentally sent it…
"I'm not okay, Beatrice…"
I see her writing, so I let the phone drop to the ground and dig my nails into my other hand. Why did I tell her? Who is she? What relationship does she have with me? She's just a fan of my disgusting writings! Why did I tell her? I've become pitiful; she'll surely write me some conventional comforting nonsense and then ignore me…
"Beatrice is here now to read your letters.
And if she doesn't have permission to read them, she will just follow her feelings and tell you many reasons for you to be unwell… and the common thread among those reasons is that they will be solved; they haven't brought it treatment yet?! So I will come… Arachne, everything will be fine, just relax and empty this part of your mind now… and don't stand staring at the reason, give yourself a chance, Arachne, talk about everything that hurts you."
She pities me… Were my writings that clear? Did they expose my pain to that extent? Should i stop writing?
"What do you want me to do, Arachne…?"
She keeps writing and sending, and I keep digging my nails into my skin to stop my tears from falling more.
"As if you came with explosives and left…
Was that all you wanted to say?
I'm not okay, so don't confront me with all of this…? I'm not ok, so be easy?"
I nodded, wiping my tears violently; I won't cry…
"Don't you dare stop yourself from crying, Arachne…
Can I be in front of you to shield you from it at this time? Can you just surrender this time and tell me your story?"
No, no, if I talk, I will hate myself more. I didn't want to, but she keeps writing… and I keep reading.
"Okay then… Beatrice will wait until she can embrace you… I will meet you, Arachne, and give in to my desire, embracing you with all that you are and trying to absorb a part of your darkness…
So cry now, Arachne… just cry…"
I wrote, feeling my eyes' ability to control the flowing liquid from them fading.
"Who am I to cry? Does the cause of tears cry? Does the cause of pain feel pain?"
"Human…?
You have the right to practice what humans do, so don't look at yourself through those lenses."
A burning sigh escaped my chest and stuck in my throat.
"I'm tired…"
"So can you take a break from all this? And leave those events behind for a while? Just a little… to try life for a very short time…"
And my eyes surrendered to their reality… exploding and yielding to tears.
"I'm tired, Beatrice, tired!
No matter how hard I try to find a reason to stay, I can't.
The world doesn't want me,
and I don't want myself too!"
"The world doesn't determine that; damn the world!
Your life was not under their decision.
They have a decision to destroy it or fix it, but deciding to stay? No!
There are those who want you and will make you want yourself because you are first in this; damn them, and damn it, you will live as you want as soon as the door opens for you!"
I whispered, writing.
"No one wants me…"
"I can't count them, but I appointed myself one of them!"
I wrote with a lost look; I don't understand what's happening now.
"So you are the only one… and I don't understand, you don't even want me; you followed me a few months ago, and we haven't talked until today…!"
"I don't know either!
I just want you to live until I can come.
And I won't be the only one."
"You come…?
Even if you find me an empty vessel?
A rotten heart?
An abandoned grave?
A burnt forest?
You won't be able to, Beatrice…"
"It's fine with anything.
I will come to you while you are in this state; I will accept your darkness even if I have to swallow it…"
I laughed sarcastically.
"You won't be able to, I swear!
Everyone has gotten used to saying this… you are no exception."
And among them was Rina…
"Based on what did you determine? You cannot judge now."
"You don't even have the strength to coexist with my illnesses
and my noisy mind, and my heart full of hatred…
How do you face all my darkness then?!
No one can; I can't even.
I'm tired of myself; I wish I could leave me!"
"You don't know; there is no instruction book that tells you to face this human and follow these steps… all it takes is the desire. I will face it because I want just this; I told you I will reach the heart of that maze!"
"Who are you to reach? Who are you to stay?!"
"Maybe I was created for this.
Just leave it to me…"
"You are not; you need a spirit to revive you too.
How will you endure staying with a rotten spirit!?"
"Can you see the unseen behind me, or what?
I don't mind being dead; I don't mind anything..."
"There is no solution for me; there is no escape but destruction."
"But there is... the Creator does not create something without it matching something else.
And there is no disease without a cure.
Perhaps you will encounter this cure in your time,
and perhaps you won't."
I scream in anger, trying not to smash my phone.
"Don't say maybe, damn it!!
There is no maybe.
There is either it will happen or it won't happen.
I'm tired of maybe, tired of it!
Maybe I'll be fine, maybe I'll do it, maybe I'll succeed.
Maybe I'll kill myself!!"
"I can't say it will happen if I haven't seen the unseen; events always surprise us.
But... fine then... I will be with you whether you like it or not, and fuck maybe. I will live in an attempt to convince you of this, and I will die achieving that desire or on my way to it, so don't try to introduce the idea of my inability... for you have no knowledge of my ability."
"I will hurt you...
You may die because of me, I may kill you while you are alive, I may tear you apart, I may do what you cannot imagine...
Inside me is a devil over whom I have no control.
A devil stronger than me..."
"I don't want to imagine... and I won't prepare for anything; I will just coexist with it...
And I told you I don't mind this devil. I will live with your devils.
Maybe they are stronger than me, but we will defeat them together.
And also, let me tell you something:
The feelings of fear, hatred, disgust, pity, and everything along that line... I lost them while I was talking to you.
So what you tell me is scary, disgusting, vile; I will feel nothing towards it. I realize that I just want you, as I left all other feelings behind before entering here..."
My tears slowly flow, and my breath isn't that ragged.
"You will hate me... If not now, soon... and if not, then after that.
You will hate me, and then I will think... is it my fault?"
"Can't you just wait?
It won't be your fault then; my choice to stay,
even though it won't happen and it won't be."
"It will happen; my mind will make it so.
It will show me all my sins, remind me of them, narrate them to me, make me live them again... seventy times a day."
"Tell him that you are human, and all humans have sins.
Don't wait to live without sins; this is our nature.
Live with it... You will make mistakes, regret, and plead with the Creator to forgive you; this is life."
"God keeps reminding me, alerting me, making me realize that I should return to Him, but I don't.
He won't forgive me; it's too late... I'm just cursed."
"The devil is preventing you then... You are messaging me now, and this is proof of your ongoing life, so you have your time for repentance.
Pleading with the God isn't just about patience... you have prayer, you have writing.
You may die in the middle of the war in the end; you won't defeat your sins; they will stay with you as events are not erased.
But the God may forgive them..."
"I am cursed, vile, a whore.
I have done everything bad!"
"Do you have any idea what mercy means? The Forgiving forgives, but pardon erases your sins as if they never happened, so He won't even remind you of them.
Don't close your eyes to the idea that there is a chance for return.
Your whole life is opportunities; consider me an opportunity..."
A gasp escaped my lips, and I wrote weakly,
"I want a hug, Beatrice... I need it, I wish for it."
"And I too... I want it from you specifically..."
"I will be fine.
I'm sorry for what I caused you,
and I'm grateful to you..."
"Grateful? The pounding in my head now isn't because of the strength of the headache or the search for new ideas of suicide, but how to help someone who distances themselves from you! And this is something new!
So I didn't do anything for gratitude; save it when I prove to you that I will continue."
"Okay, just be fine..."
"I will be fine when I make you say that you are confident in my staying... I have now taken it as a goal!
So see me... Can't you try to sleep? It has gotten very late."
"I really hate the night.
It brings out all my ugliness,
exposing my nakedness and my weakness."
"I will be there to face it if you don't find anyone; I will do it.
And exposed? How many people do you need to say exposed?"
"Me..."
"Then it doesn't count.
Yourself is the one in this darkness; she knows it best. She only comes at night and remembers.
And she must add that she can make the black gray and the gray lighter, but she won't reach white.
And if you don't have a light color, I will give you some of what I have."
"We are dark paintings, Beatrice... ugly and dark."
"You can change some things in them.
They won't be beautiful enough, but they will be lively."
"Enough; I will try to sleep.
There is no solution; I'm sorry for dragging you into this..."
"Drag me in willingly!
Sleep knowing that you will find me the moment you open your eyes if I'm not dead!"
I smiled, turned off the phone, and crawled to my bed with a faint smile.
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