The world has been so heavy.
Though it's only been a week, so much has happened since my last breakup. I cut my hair and curled it even more, watched movies in theaters twice in a row, and bought some things I never needed.
"At least it gives me dopamine..."
I said while looking at the ceiling, "I've been staring at it longer than I should have. It's Saturday, not Sunday morning, about 3:12 am."
I haven't been sleeping well lately. I don't even want to move; everything just feels heavy. But I gotta sleep. I have to wake up tomorrow and do my laundry. They've been there for almost a week.
"I'm pathetic."
I've just been curled up in my room, all sad. I cut off any social media— and deleted any possible connections, but I'm just broken, utterly shattered, destroyed into a million pieces. It's like I'm being eternally condemned to stay here in this room with weights on my chest, legs, and arms.
My ex and I broke up on good terms. We wanted to grow and learn about ourselves more, and we wanted freedom. Well, maybe to her, but to me, I never really wanted to let go. But anyway, I've got to sleep. I've been letting my thoughts run wild for a while; it's time to shut them down.
-----
Morning came, and I didn't get a dime of sleep again. I can hear voices from outside my room, probably my parents.
My eye bags are particularly thick, hanging low and gloomy, but honestly, I don't care. I just want to di...
"Pathetic"
I rolled over and looked at the time on my phone. It was 6:02 a.m. I'd just been staring at this blue ceiling in my bedroom. I bet I can count how many broken spots of paint there are.
"One, two, three, four"
What was I supposed to do again next week?
"Go to school
Work
Go to school
Ahhh"
Right, I was supposed to meet her to get a book I lent her a long time ago. I remember how I did it, and why I did it.
*flashback*
I was lying on the sofa, just scrolling continuously on my phone just trying to pass the time, since I don't want to do anything else, when a crazy and wild idea came to mind. I miss her. I habitually opened messenger and opened our conversation and said.
"Hey."
It was 6:24 in the morning, so she wasnt online yet. But after I sent that simple three letter message I got scared, thoughts of being cruel crossed my mind. We've talked about this. I don't want to bring back memories to her because it would just be cruel. We were both supposed to be trying to move on. I berated myself. So I closed the app in a panic and just closed my eyes.
Around 8:40 am, I was already wide awake.
Ding*
A notification popped out on my phone, and her icon showed up.
"?
Yo
What?"
I panicked. I didn't delete the message, I forgot about it and I dont know what to say. I took a deep breath and recalled something. Right, I lent her a book before. Just tell her you need it for something. Right! I steeled myself and reached out for my phone.
"Yo, so do you still have the book I lent you? I might need it."
"Sure, which one? Is it the CAD?"
Damn, I forgot the name of it, I said to myself.
"Can you actually send a picture? I don't remember the name."
"Sure."
I stared at the screen, waiting for the picture to come through. My heart was pounding in my chest, louder and louder as if it knew something I didn't.
What was I even doing?
But deep down, I knew. I just wanted to talk to her again, to feel that connection, even if it was through something as mundane as a borrowed book.
Ping.
The image loaded slowly, and there it was—the book I had lent her when things were still good when I was still naive enough to think we'd last forever.
My heart sank. Seeing it in her hands again, even in a photo, brought back a flood of memories I wasn't ready for.
"Here it is," she messaged, "I can meet you Wednesday if you want to get it back."
Wednesday.
That word hung in the air, heavier than the world I was already carrying. Could I really face her again?
Would seeing her reopen all the wounds I'd been desperately trying to close.
My thumb hovered over the keyboard, unsure of what to type. I should've just said no and made up some other excuse. But instead, I found myself typing,
"Sure, let's meet on Wednesday."
Back to the present*
I looked at my screen, echoing my actions the previous day. Then the voices from outside my room turned louder and louder. My parents were arguing... Again, I bet it's something mundane even I myself find childish—a simple misunderstanding. I have to stand up now, or it'll become louder, disturbing the whole block.
"This is tiring."
I dragged myself out of bed, the cold, tiled floor shocking me awake. The weight in my chest shifted, but it didn't lessen.
I slipped on my slippers, the ones she bought me as a joke because they were two sizes too big.
I shuffled out of my room, bracing myself for the inevitable scene outside.
As I reached the bottom of the stairs, their voices hit me like a wave. My parents were at it again, their words sharp and biting, cutting through the morning silence. They didn't even notice me standing there, just another witness to the endless cycle of arguments. It was always the same—something small would spark a wildfire, burning through whatever peace we had in the house.
I often wonder why they stayed together for many many years, because ever since I can remember their fights were constant. I badly want to ask how they can hold each other even through pain, when we can't. But never mind they are too engrossed in their fight anyways.
I thought about turning around and going back to my room, but the thought of retreating to that suffocating space felt just as unbearable.
"Can you both stop?" I said, my voice barely above a whisper but enough to make them pause and look at me.
Their anger turned to me, but I couldn't bring myself to care. "It's too early for this."
They stared at me, surprised, maybe because I hardly ever said anything during their fights.
But today, everything felt too much. I was exhausted—physically, emotionally, mentally. I just wanted it all to stop.
Without waiting for their response, I turned and walked out the front door, the cool morning air hitting me like a slap. I didn't know where I was going, but anywhere felt better than here.
"Hey Jun, come back here, tell your mother ho--." My father called for me but his words faded like I never even heard him. The last thing I heard from the house was my sister's voice.
I'm actually done; I'm so done with it all. I walked aimlessly in my pajamas for who knows how long, just letting cars pass me by. What was I doing again? I asked myself and reached out for my phone in my pocket.
There I saw a message.
"Oh it's here." I said in a whisper, He finally sent the documents I was asking him. I work as a freelancer from a company abroad and the documents I was asking for are for work.
"I'll finish them as soon as I can, Thank you." I replied. and looked at the time. 7:49 am.
Damn, how long did I walk? I'm hungry now; I didn't even bring my wallet.
"Why am I so unlucky."
I found myself standing in front of a small convenience store, the kind with flickering neon lights and a few scattered customers.
My stomach growled, reminding me of the breakfast I hadn't had, but my pockets were empty.
I leaned against the cold glass of the store window, staring at the shelves inside. Rows of instant noodles, snacks, and drinks were just within reach, but I couldn't bring myself to go in. It wasn't just about the money—it was the feeling of being too worn out to even take care of myself.
As I stood there, a familiar voice called out my name. I looked up to see who it was, but I don't quite remember, maybe because all of my memory was blurry.
"Jun? Is that you?" he asked, surprise and concern mingling in his tone.
I forced a smile, the kind that didn't reach my eyes. "Yeah, it's me."
He looked me over, noticing the dark circles under my eyes, the way my shoulders slumped. "You okay? You look... tired."
"Yeah, I'm just... tired," I replied, the words falling flat.
The man hesitated before reaching into his bag and pulling out a small snack bar. "Here, take this. You look like you could use it."
I took the snack, the gesture small but somehow overwhelming. "Thanks," I muttered, my voice barely audible. "You didn't have to."
"It's okay, I work here part time and my shift is just starting. Want to come in? We could catch up." He offered, his voice gentle.
I thought for a moment and asked. "I'm sorry, but I don't remember you, who are you again?"
"Man I don't blame you, I changed quite a bit since we last met. I'm Chris." He said enthusiastically.
"Chris?"
"Yeah, you know the loudest guy in the room, the skinny four eyes, brownish hair." He pointed at his black hair.
I am quite perplexed that the Chris I remember was so different from this one, the one standing in front of me looks like a guy who works out 7 times a week barely rests and screams creatine. furthermore, with black hair and chiseled jaw.
"What the fuck?"
Chris chuckled at my reaction. "Yeah, I know. I've changed a lot, huh? Life's been... intense."
I nodded slowly, still trying to reconcile the image of the Chris I remembered with the person standing in front of me. "You look... different. I mean, really different."
Chris smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "I guess we all change, one way or another."
There was a pause, a moment where both of us seemed to be lost in our own thoughts. I didn't know what to say—part of me wanted to turn around and walk away, to avoid any more unexpected emotional confrontations. But another part of me wants to stay.
"I've been working out a lot," Chris finally said, breaking the silence. "Helps keep my mind off things, you know?"
I nodded again, though I wasn't sure I really understood. I tried different things to distract myself too, but nothing seemed to work. It just numbs the pain a little, and it comes back like a tidal wave, but he doesn't have to know that, so I answered. "Yeah... I get that."
"So how about we eat something first, man I'm famished." Chris said and gestured while opening the door.
"Sure," I answered absentmindedly.
There really isn't much in my mind at this time, maybe I should just go back to my room and work. Bury myself with it so much that it numbs everything else, yeah I could do that. My thoughts were broken when Chris came out of the locker room to change, it was a bit comical how he tried to fit a small uniform to his bulky size.
Chris chuckled and scratched the back of his head. "Don't laugh man, I swear I told the manager to leave me an extra large, but this is fine too I'm sure the ladies will love this, right Nora?" Chris flexed his biceps to his co-worker, an old woman about late fifties on age maybe, wearing the same uniform. I chuckled a bit.
"Sure does Chris." Nora said, reading the latest news paper, though it wasn't any particular news she is reading the astrology section.
"It says here on every day horoscope that Leo's shares sacred gifts with the world and inspiring change on a collective level."
"Wow, really? Let me see." Chris eagerly reached out for the newspaper and looked over. "It does!"
I was just watching the scene, I never really believed them, about horoscopes I mean, the first time I believed them was also the first time I had my heart broken.
"Hey Jun, what was your zodiac sign again?" Chris asked, looking over to me.
I know my zodiac sign, my ex-girlfriend introduced them to me bringing yet another painful memory. "Oh yeah… um it was Sagittarius I think?"
It took not a second before Chris exclaimed. "Woah!" Followed by… "WOW… wow wow." I got curious because of his reaction, not like I'll believe it anyway. Nora too was intrigued. So I went and looked at the words under Sagittarius and unconsciously read it out loud.
""Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement." Golden words by late Israeli Prime Minister Golda Meir for you to reflect upon as you begin the day. This is your time, Sagittarius! Your time to shine—and to show up as the brightest star in the galaxy. That said, you're being encouraged to take initiative when it comes to matters of the heart too. Feeling a vibe with somebody? A direct approach will work in your favor right now.
Cos… Cosmic Tip: This is your sign to show up as the brightest star in the galaxy."
I choked a little near the end, I don't quite even know how to react. Me? A brightest star in the galaxy? It took me a moment and I looked at the glass outside the store reflecting me, on my pajamas, with badly styled hair eyebags that hung deeply on my eyes, my self care deprived body, being described as the brightest star in the galaxy.
"This must be the biggest joke I've heard my entire life. HAHAHAHAHA." At that moment I think I could cry from laughter.
It took me a while to calm down, I've had tears falling down my cheeks by the end of it and man oh man I looked towards my side and saw Chris and Nora staring at me wide eyes, I felt embarrassed why did I even laugh… because it was the biggest joke I've ever heard, it seems like the universe isn't done toying with me yet. My voice waned and felt myself just juggling so many emotions at once.
Me? a brightest star, I can't even look at myself in a mirror clearly, nor does my rumbling stomach agrees. My face scrunched up feeling a million emotions at one all questioning why?
Why? Does it have to happen to me? Why is it so heavy? Why did I do what I did?
It feels so heavy the world just feels too heavy.
I clutched my aching stomach asking for food, dropped the snack bar. Chris and Nora tried to reach out their hands but I ran out, I can't bear myself crying in front of people. It feels humiliating. I just feel my heart drop, my mind stopped and body asking for nutrients, I feel down again and again but it doesn't hurt, nothing does, nothing hurts more than what I feel inside.
I found an alley and crouched down.
"Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic." Tears started pouring out my eyes as I can't hold it back anymore, has my life really became a joke for the universe for the whole world to laugh at. I looked up at the clear sky, contrasting to what I am currently feeling, a poignant stream of emotions constantly swirling inside putting pressure on my already broken heart, shattering it even more.
"What do I do?" I asked emptily. I know I need help, I badly need it. I want to experience the warmth of my girlfriend, the stare, her eyes. All bringing impossible scenarios into my head, broken memories I always try to forget. It feels heavy. So heavy.
"How I wish it never happened at all," I whispered as I closed my eyes, bearing all the weight and pressure, I felt alone and lonely. Constantly dreaming of the warmth I will never get to experience again. I sobbed and cried my heart out in an alley; how truly pathetic.
I felt a hand reach my back, calmly patting it, making me cry even more. I looked up, wishing it wasn't real. And I saw Nora, the old woman and Chris's coworker.
"It's gonna be alright, young man." She said, looking at me. "You've been trying to fight it too much. Let yourself cry and mourn. It's part of being human." She continued patting my back with her hand.
I couldn't even hold it anymore and cried; I truly feel like a kid right now.
"It'll get better," I hear Nora say calmly.
"How?" I asked my voice, drowning in my tears. But she heard it.
"It always does, you just have to continue living it." She said in a gentle voice. "But if you continue to dwell on the past, it might take you a while and it might break you even more., It's not easy, but you have to."
Her words rang across my being.
I stayed in the alley for a while, letting the tears flow until they couldn't anymore. Eventually, the sobs subsided into quiet sniffles, and I felt a strange sense of emptiness, like I had cried out about everything that was left inside me.
Nora's hand remained on my back, a steady, reassuring presence. When I finally lifted my head, her kind eyes met mine, and she gave me a small, understanding smile.
"Feel any better?" she asked softly.
I wiped my face with the back of my hand, nodding slightly. "A little," I admitted, though the heaviness in my chest hadn't completely lifted. But there was a small relief, like the weight had shifted just enough to let me breathe.
Nora offered me a tissue from her pocket, and I took it gratefully, cleaning up the mess of tears and snot on my face, I felt embarrassed.
"You're a good kid," she said as she stood up slowly, her joints creaking. "You just need to give yourself time. Don't rush it, okay?"
I nodded again, my voice too raw to respond. I watched as Nora patted my shoulder one last time before she turned and headed back toward the store. Her presence, however brief, had left a lasting impact on me, a tiny spark of warmth in the coldness that had settled in my heart.
Left alone in the alley, I sat there for a few more minutes, gathering the strength to stand up. my mind was still a mess, but the tears had brought a slight clarity, a realization that I couldn't keep spiraling like this. I had to do something—anything—to keep moving forward, even if it was just one small step at a time.
Finally, I pushed myself up from the ground, brushing off the dirt from my clothes. I looked around, trying to get my bearings, and realized I wasn't too far from home. The morning light was brighter now, casting long shadows on the quiet streets. I could hear birds chirping somewhere in the distance, their song a stark contrast to the turmoil inside me.
I started walking, my steps slow but steady. I didn't have a clear destination in mind, but I knew I couldn't go back to the house just yet. The thought of facing my parents' arguments again, of retreating back into my room to stare at the ceiling, was too much to bear.
Instead, I wandered aimlessly through the neighborhood, my thoughts drifting back to the conversation with Chris. The shock of seeing my old friend so different—physically and emotionally—had been jarring. It was a reminder that life kept moving forward, whether I was ready for it or not.
As I walked, Jun's phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out, half-expecting another work message, but it was from Chris.
"Hey, if you need to talk or just hang out, I'm here. No pressure."
I stared at the message for a moment, feeling a strange mix of gratitude and reluctance. Part of me wanted to reach out and grab onto the lifeline that Chris was offering. But another part of me—the part that was still so deeply entrenched in my pain—wanted to retreat back into isolation to avoid the risk of being hurt again.
I didn't reply immediately, instead tucking the phone back into my pocket as I continued walking. The streets were gradually coming to life, people heading out for their Sunday routines, cars passing by with the hum of normalcy that felt so distant from my own reality.
After a while, I found myself near a small park. It was mostly empty, save for a few early risers walking their dogs or jogging along the paths. I spotted an empty bench under a tree and made my way over, sinking down onto the wooden seat with a sigh. The cool breeze rustled the leaves above me, and for the first time in days, I felt a tiny flicker of peace.
Sitting there, I let my mind wander, thinking about the future I couldn't quite see, the person I wanted to be, and the pain I desperately wanted to escape. I knew it wouldn't be easy that there were no quick fixes for the kind of heartbreak and emotional exhaustion I was feeling. But maybe, just maybe, I could find a way to start healing, one small step at a time.
And perhaps, I thought, as I looked up at the sky through the branches of the tree, I could begin by reaching out to the people who still cared, like Chris and Nora. Maybe I didn't have to do this alone after all. I shook my head at the thought, but still.
For the first time in a while, the idea of moving forward didn't seem so impossible. It was daunting, yes, and I was still terrified of what the future held. But as I sat there in the park, with the world slowly waking up around me, I allowed myself to hope—just a little—that things could get better.
And with that small, fragile hope in my heart, I decided to take the first step.
I pulled out my phone and sent a quick reply to Chris: "Thanks. Let's catch up soon."
As I hit send, I leaned back on the bench, closing my eyes and letting the sounds of the morning wash over me. The road ahead was uncertain, but for the first time in a long time, I felt like I was ready to start walking again.
*grumble
"Oh right, I was hungry." I chuckled to myself.