Chapter 21
Show Time
There is a phrase that actors use when they go on stage. 'Break a leg,' or 'It's Show Time.' Yet when something they are not looking forward to is. 'The show must go on.' In my case it the phrase 'Show Time' means two things. Time to act and not looking forward to when the curtain goes up. Yet before any of that can happen, I must learn my lines and put on my makeup. The only good thing that I didn't have to do was lie, or act in how much I loved Dillon or any of my mermaids and Highland friends, that was with me before the curtain rose, and the spotlight hit the mark where it all began.
I knew Mom wouldn't like it as I tossed my socks on the floor instead of putting them in the hamper. She wasn't here, and I had more clothes to add than just a pair of socks as I made my way towards Dillon or as he made his way towards me. I didn't have to be on stage.
I didn't have to let the world in. Telling me everything I was about to do was immorally wrong, that this shouldn't happen. Instead, I crushed those voices and ignored them as I placed my arms around Dillon and kissed him. I am not talking about a friend's kiss on the cheek. I am talking about a real meaningful kiss that said I really love you and I want to share myself with you. Not in words, but in actions. I wasn't ashamed about my feelings, nor did I feel that I was gay, as the world today would see me as.
Instead, I was a boy who liked being with boys as much as girls and more so with adults that I have become close with. The world may frown because of it but I had no regrets for doing it. The only regret that I have is that I stopped doing it. And when I mean stopped doing it. I mean not being with anyone, never allowing myself to share myself with anyone, in any way; girl, boy … man, or woman. Instead, I closed myself off, refusing to feel, and became numb, unwilling to open my heart. For when I did, it was soon shattered.
Instead, I focused on putting my feelings behind thick, unbreakable walls. Letting school and work become my main reason to live … by constantly working, constantly reminding me that I am not allowed to be happy watching everyone else share a secret kiss or hold a lover's hand. That I am not worth knowing. I am not worth the effort to spend time with, but most of all I let the world in and let it dictate my actions. To the point that I turned away from a world that truly accepted me for who I am.
Instead, I let it tell me that I was destined to become like my father. A hateful man who abuses women and children. Living up by the statistics that 95% of the population that had been physically abused as I had would abuse their wives and their children. Yet I had never hurt anyone as my parents did to me or the many foster homes I had been in. Instead, I let the world in and let it tell me. What I was doing was wrong.
It didn't feel wrong as I wrapped my arms around Dillon and pulled him into a kiss that filled me with warmth and love from the inside that I felt I was glowing on the outside. Even Jeff told me I wasn't doing anything wrong. To let God sort it out, not the world around me as I deepened my kiss, placing my arms around him. I smiled, seeing his eyes as he told me he missed me and he loved me. The boy that can't be loved, the boy nobody wanted.
It felt so good to be in his arms as we kissed, hearing me telling him that I missed him and loved him as well. It sounds so gay now, but that is because I had let the world in. Yet again, I had no regrets kissing him. Letting him slowly undress me, adding my shirt to my socks on the floor and me doing the same with his shirt as I drew him closer so our warm skin could touch. Letting our hands feel our backs as we kissed, leaving the world outside. I smiled when he placed his hands inside my pants and played with the waistband. I laughed when he said he never really liked seeing me with my clothes on, that it seemed I was hiding part of myself from him.
I pulled him a little closer and kissed him, then said. "Take them off if you would like. I don't like secrets or lies."
He tilts his head back and laughs. "God, it feels so good to be with you again." I smiled as I undid his belt and his pants letting them fall to the floor around his ankles, watching him kick them off to the side adding them to our pile of clothes. We took our time as we walked me to my bed allowing me to sit after standing before, I clasped to the floor. Feeling my body wobble a bit as I strained myself standing longer than it was used too … do before the poison that had put me and Jared into this state.
Dillon didn't say anything, nor did he tease me because of my weakness. Instead, he brought me to the bed and placed himself in between my legs and allowed me to lean back and crawl more onto the bed.
Once there, he climbed on top of me and kissed me as he played with my feet and toes with his feet. Before making his way down my chest. Using his tongue and kissing me softly until he found each of my nipples. I moaned insure pleasure as he did so. He knew every inch of my body as I knew his, in spite it having been a few months since we had been together in this way. True, we had been together with the girls' last night, but right now it was just me and him and no one else.
I no longer had questions about if this was wrong at the time. I never denied my feelings, nor did I ever say no to him or anyone else that I wanted to share myself with, other than Paul Cranny. I didn't know why I didn't like that man. It didn't bother me knowing that my mother liked having sex with him nor any of the men I had been with like my Dad. Yet something about him makes me want nothing to do with him. Dillon asked if he could have his way with me. I giggled. "I thought you were?" Considering I trusted him not to harm me or go too far even though I had considered letting him.
The fact that I had thought about it frightened me because I had been taught that it is forbidden and without a doubt it was wrong. Yet after talking with my brothers and Billy after the Gloria incident, having them tell me that doesn't hurt them anymore or like it did the first or second or the third time.
I still couldn't fathom the idea that it didn't hurt. instead it was pleasurable. Like I had seen in the videos Shawn and Arthur were letting inmates do that to them willingly moaning for them to go faster and harder.
Even after watching Shawn do so over and over again with Arthur and them telling me that it is better than being with a girl and never worrying about getting them pregnant and never having to use a condom. The idea terrified me, that I had considered it. So instead, I said. "Stimulate me to your heart's desires, but no sticking your penis where it doesn't belong."
He looked up at me and said. "You know me better than that. I would never even consider that. Not now, not ever. I know it is wrong; I didn't enjoy it at first, and when I did. I never did it to anyone else for the simple reason I didn't like inflicting pain so imaginable before the pleasure truly started. I only did so with the people who were already into it because I was forced to. I didn't seek out new victims like their Grandfather did and other boys like Shawn and Arthur.
"One of the main reasons I was able to stop and live through the shaming ritual was because I didn't like inflicting pain upon others. Or forcing other boys to have sex with me or anyone else, not even with a knife at my throat, like Gloria did to me and to you. I would rather be dead than live with the fact that I had raped someone like my little brother and boys like him."
I didn't apologize, instead I rolled on top of him and pulled him into a kiss. I said. "I love you even more for telling me, but I rather it be you than anyone else because I trust you not to hurt me."
He says. "Are you asking me to do it?"
I shook my head and said. "No, but I was just curious to see if you would if I offered you a chance to do so. Knowing it wouldn't hurt me as it would have after what Gloria had done to me. Like I could have done to Jared, knowing it wouldn't have hurt him and would give him pleasure rather than pain.
"The reasons I didn't was because I didn't feel the need to do that to him, or anyone else like him. It would have led to other things if I made that choice, and I couldn't live with myself or go down that path. Death was nothing more than walking through another door, nothing to fear. I was more afraid of the guilt, and finding I liked it."
I pulled him into a kiss and worked my way down until I reached for his boxers. I didn't ask if I could taste him or remove them. Like me, we no longer needed to ask for permission. Instead, I teased him first by placing his penis inside my mouth and brought him to a hard state inside his boxers before I removed them so I could have all of him. Hearing him moan as I stimulated him until I had achieved my tasty treat and only shared it with a kiss.
He did the same for me before we made our way to the bath; he had prepared for us. Allowing me to pick up our clothes and put them inside the hamper so Mom wouldn't get mad at me for leaving our clothes on the floor. We groomed each other, taking our time and sharing ourselves until we hated to get out when Mom announced that the makeup artist was here.
I groaned not wanting to let go of the moment as we kissed standing naked in the tub leaving the outside world outside where it belongs. I was told only to dress in my scrub bottoms and warm pair of socks, considering they were just doing my face, not my back or my shoulders like last time.
Today they would cover my head and face in plaster so they could have completed a head and Mom and Dad didn't want to get any of the plaster on my clothes, but neither did I need to be naked. Mom was waiting inside my room while the makeup artist set up, watching Dad bring in a lounge chair and cover it with a sheet and plastic on the floor.
Mom handed me something to drink that would knock me out or make me comfortable, knowing that plaster would make it seem that my parents were suffocating me, which was an episode that I didn't want. Dad went a step further and asked if I was comfortable, I nodded and said I was, and he stabbed me with a tranquilizer. All I heard was Dad telling her just in case then it was lights out. When I woke, I was sleeping in my bed with Sparky's head on my leg, other than that I was completely alone. I don't know how long I was out, other than the fact I had woken on my own hearing music down the hall.
Mom soon came in and said. "Oh, good you're awake. Dad wanted you to wake up on your own and said you needed a nap." I nodded and got out of bed and Mom helped me dress, noticing she washed me finding no plaster anywhere on me and I was completely naked. It didn't bother me as it would have years ago, like it did with the Fry's and the Steeds, even more so in my earlier foster homes.
In fact, all it did was tell me she loved me, and I loved her for doing it. I would have enjoyed it even more if I had been awake as I pictured her naked and pleasuring her the way she liked it and had taught me to. I didn't have a problem with having sex with her or my Rothwell sisters. I had a problem when it came to my mother and as far as my sisters went, that was never going to happen, not now, not ever. Hell, I wouldn't even consider stimulating my father. Killing him made me warm and fuzzy inside.
Even though I hated the idea of being in a wheelchair, I had no choice. Instead of fighting about it I got in and let Mom push me down to the living room with Sparky following me.
The first thing I noticed was the living room furniture had been pushed back against the wall or removed from the room as Stringham and Mr. Vincent were taking measurements where to set up an appetizer table and temporary wall to hide the kitchen, talking about renting a place instead. I lost my place in the conversation when I noticed Shawn and Arthur dancing with my mermaids Nora and Isza.
The moment that Shawn noticed me he kissed Isza and trailed his tongue down her beautiful neck. She slapped him across the face, and he growled at me. "Taste like a whore that has been with too many men."
She slapped him again and then kneed him in the groin as I watched him hit the ground, bound in more pain as Dr. Sar's touched her bracelet. It took everything I had inside me not to put my hands around his throat and choke the life out of him.
Isza quickly rushed to the sink and washed, more like scrubbing her neck and washing out her mouth several times, before coming back and kicking him. Telling him she had given him no permission to do other dance.
She would have kept kicking him if it hadn't been for her parents to stop her. Instructing Dr. Sar's they permitted them to dance with their daughters because she had asked them to. Not allow them to grope their daughters, ordering them out of the room. She apologized and said. "It won't happen again. I assure you that he will be punished. You must understand that it is part of their retraining to interact with girls, more so than boys."
Causing them to start screaming at each other, Mr. Rockwater said. "Shawn and Arthur would be dead if they were in the colony for what they have done. Not here going through a retraining program. The Shame Ritual was put in too late and because of that, they have been raping boys as well as their brothers and friends for years, until it was too late for them to be going through the Shaming Ritual. Death would have been the only solution, but because we are close to the Rothwells, we looked the other way, but no longer. Either remove them from my sight or I will personally slit their throats."
Dr. Sar's nodded and removed them to their room, causing searing pain all the way down the hall until she locked them inside the room and deactivated the bracelet, giving them over to one of their guards. I cringed as I watched him take his belt off and go inside.
Mom and Dad didn't stop them from being punished. They apologized to the Rockwater's, but instead, they opened the front door and left not accepting their apology. That alone caused Dad to bring the monster out as he made his way down the hall and opened the door. Mom too was angry, but she didn't stop Dad, knowing it would anger him even more. Instead, she put on a happy face and asked me to dance, helping me out of the wheelchair. Stating the fact that 'the Show must go on.'