Two days with the loop have passed, and now everything is back to normal. Maria started greeting me in the morning, even though there's still some awkwardness between us, but it's still a good start. Meanwhile, my mother started preparing lunch for me and Maria with a different kind of smile than usual, a genuine smile filled with hope and sincerity for the person receiving it.
Only my father remains the same, sometimes looking at me from afar and just silently observing. But this time, it wasn't just me, but also Maria, who now has a smile on her face. Even my mother, who has become quieter than usual.
"What's wrong with you guys? Did something happen while I was not here?" My father asked as we ate breakfast together.
We all thought the same thing and answered, "Nothing," while smiling.
My father, seeing our response, seemed surprised, but then he looked like he was disappointed about something. He then fell silent and returned to staring at his phone, citing an abundance of work.
Seeing that made me even more convinced that I had to talk to my father openly. But now wasn't the right time. That's why I decided to do it after he got home from work.
For now, I decided to go back to work as usual. While Maria went to her new school.
Dad left for work as usual, and Mom waited at home alone, taking care of things around the house, waiting for all of us to return.
The difference wasn't that big, but it was enough to make me happy. Because I realized that I could go to work with a smile on my face for the first time.
When I first walked into my workplace, I felt a sense of nostalgia. I didn't expect to miss this place so much, a place that made me feel like I was doing the same thing every day.
But when I thought about it again, working at this convenience store wasn't as bad as I thought. I realized I was just bored. Because I realized that this place had been the only place where I could escape from reality. Because I could be my smiley self, even if I had to intentionally make mistakes.
But this time was different, I didn't see this place as an escape anymore. Because I didn't need to do that anymore. In my heart, I promised to make this place my second home.
"Where were you on Monday, huh?" My boss's voice boomed.
His voice was so loud, I also saw some of my colleagues trying to hold back their laughter, while I just smiled there, enjoying the scolding from my boss that I hadn't heard in a long time.
I made up an excuse that I was sick and slept all day on Monday. I recovered the next day, but I was off on Tuesday. That's why I forgot to tell my boss afterwards.
He stopped being angry, not because of the little lie I explained on the papers I carried in my bag. But because he was more curious about why I couldn't speak. I made up another excuse, that I actually had a sore throat and had surgery on Monday.
I felt guilty, my boss even stopped being angry and forgave me. But this was the only way to make sure everything I had done so far wouldn't be in vain.
Even though only two days have passed, I felt like I had gone through half a year. Without realizing it, I saw the world from a different perspective than before. It was as if the world had changed drastically in two days. But I also realized that it wasn't the world that changed, but me.
Even that day's work didn't feel heavy at all, because I could laugh freely as usual, joking around even while working.
My small salary didn't discourage me, because I was surrounded by people I could consider friends.
Even though I knew that some of them must be hiding their dark sides. I also realized that one day I might be disappointed after realizing it. But there was no point in worrying about something that might not happen.
The future is indeed terrifying, because humans are always afraid of something they don't know. That's why humans are always learning new things to reduce their fear of the unknown. However, it is impossible for humans to learn about the future, because even if you know the future, you can't necessarily change it once it has happened. Because the one who can determine the future is yourself in the present.
You can't change the past that has happened. But you can change the future that hasn't happened. But it depends on yourself in the present.
The past is just the past, you won't be able to face the unknown future if you can't face the past that you already know. Because the past is where we learn so that we don't make the same mistakes in the future.
The past and the future are indeed two different things from everything else. But except for one thing, they can't be faced if we don't try to face them in the present. Because the past is just the past, the future is unknown, but the present is the time when we live our lives.
Learn from the past, control the future, enjoy the present. Two very long days, but in those two days, I was able to learn this. Things that can make me keep moving forward, facing the sad past and the unknown future. As long as I remember this lesson, I think my life will be fine from now on.
I don't know who made me stuck in this loop. I also don't know if their intention was bad or good. But there's one thing I want to say to them:
"Thank you."
Thank you to them, because of them I can start to forgive myself.
Thank you to them, because of them I can fix what I have destroyed.
Thank you to them, because of them I can understand what true happiness and sincerity without deceit are.
I can say that today is the best day I've ever had. Not because I'm lucky, or because something good happened, but because I can feel the satisfaction in my heart for the first time in my life.
I could even go home smiling all the way. Even for the first time in my life, I really wanted to get home quickly and meet my family.
I experienced a lot of firsts today. Making me feel like this is a very beautiful day.
Even though I know my family is still hiding something from me. But I believe in them that I will be told the secret they are hiding.
All I have to do is keep opening myself up until they are not afraid to open themselves up to me as well.
Just like I lied to my boss about skipping work on Monday. Everyone must have things to hide from others. And I can't tell the real story to someone I don't trust.
That's why I'm going to give my family a reason to trust me. That way, I'm sure they'll tell me even when I don't ask.
That's why I don't care about it. In fact, I'm very sure that nothing will change even if I already know the real truth about what they're hiding from me.
"I just have to trust and wait," I thought at the time, convincing myself before entering the house, which now felt very warm, unlike usual.
While walking to my room, I saw Maria playing games and inviting me to play with her, even though she was still fumbling when inviting me. My mother, who was preparing dinner, saw this and smiled in the kitchen, enjoying the sight she was seeing.
When I realized the big change in the house, I paused for a moment to enjoy it.
"Ah... I did it, this is what I've always wanted," I thought.
After that, I wrote a word on a piece of paper:
"I'll change my clothes first."
I showed the writing to Maria and she smiled and replied, "Okay, hurry up and change your clothes! Don't make me wait!"
It was very clear that she was starting to feel less awkward around me. Slowly but surely, our bond as siblings was starting to reconnect. I'm sure it's the same with my mother.
But now I realize, there's one family member besides the two of them who hasn't made any progress towards me, my father.
My relationship with my father is still like a tangled rope that could break at any moment, but keeps trying to hold on.
But for now, I choose to enjoy my time with Maria playing games.
Even though I have to face questions about why I always wear a scarf around my neck even though the weather isn't cold.
I just made up an excuse that I just wanted to look cool like the manga character I recently read.
Hearing that made her laugh, but she also believed me, saying, "You're changed. You're back to your old self. So you really decided to be yourself again, huh?"
I answered her with writing on a piece of paper:
"You're right."
But actually, she's not right, she's not wrong either. It's just another misunderstanding.
I never changed, I've always been myself, it's just that I closed myself off when I was at home, and I was myself when I was away from home. The reason is simple, because I thought at the time that I wasn't accepted in this house.
But after realizing that it was all just my thinking, I started thinking:
"It seems like it's okay for me to be myself."
Making me reach a good conclusion, creating a strong mindset, which ended up pushing me to be more eager to open myself up to others from now on.