After the morning classes, it was lunchtime.
Being friendless, I picked up my chopsticks and ate in a quiet corner by myself.
It was sad that Leon had such limited relationships, but for now, it was a relief. Imagine if Leon had close friends—I, with no memory of Leon's past, would be in a difficult situation. If someone started questioning the differences between the old Leon and me, I'd have no choice but to pretend I had amnesia.
But, thankfully, Leon's social ties were minimal.
In fact, they were practically non-existent.
As an orphan, he had no parents, and Leon intentionally avoided forming close connections with others, leaving him with no one he could really call a friend.
Leon loathed his own alienness. It wouldn't be wrong to say that he despised it. He found it both strange and pathetic that he derived pleasure from pain. He thought of himself as foolish and perverse for seeking that pleasure repeatedly, and so he never opened up to anyone.
The turning point was when Elsia discovered his masochistic tendencies.
Elsia didn't reject him, nor did she condemn him as a freak. Instead, she accepted him. She advised him not to hate himself, saying everyone has a different heart.
It was around then that Leon finally began making friends.
Once he could accept himself, he no longer felt the need to shut others out of his life.
But at this point in time, just three days into his academy life—including the entrance ceremony—this didn't apply to the current Leon, me. While I was relieved, I felt a slight tightness in my chest. Well… I do have a conscience, you know. Saying "thank goodness" about a teenage boy having no friends with me—a grown women—inside his body is a bit trashy, isn't it?
Though I was hungry, I lost my appetite. I sighed deeply as I set down my chopsticks. I didn't ask to become Leon, either. I'm a victim, too. I got dragged into this world without a clue. And I'm trying to do my best without backing down...
My head throbbed. I pressed my forehead with the palm of my hand. I know thinking about it won't change anything.
But still...
I don't know how long I'll be Leon.
Maybe I'll be him forever.
Or, I might leave Leon's body as soon as tomorrow.
But while I am still here.
While I'm using his body without permission, is there anything I can do for Leon?
I don't know why I became him, or how long I'll stay, but…
If I could give Leon something meaningful—
Growl
As I was getting lost in deep thoughts, my stomach interrupted me loudly. Fine, let's eat first. I haven't had anything since yesterday.
I rubbed my hungry stomach and picked up my chopsticks again. The academy, renowned for its support, had buffet-style meals. You could take what you wanted onto your plate. Despite my empty stomach, I didn't serve myself much. My chest had been feeling tight all this time, so I didn't have much appetite.
But I should still eat. After all, humans can't live without food.
"Is the seat next to you free? Can I sit here?"
Before I could respond, the chair beside me squeaked as it was pulled out. By the time I looked up, someone had already taken a seat.
It was a girl with reddish-brown hair braided into pigtails.
She had sharp eyes behind those round glasses.
Her uniform was tidy, and her face was makeup-free. She had the typical look of a model student or class representative.
And, in fact, she was the class representative.
More precisely, if they held the class elections, she would become the class representative.
Arin.
One of the "Golden Generation" who had effortlessly handled eight golems during the ability measurement in Classroom 1 today.
"Did you… need something from me?"
I wondered if she was sitting here due to a lack of seats, but a quick glance around told me that wasn't the case. Then, that means she specifically sought me out… why? Not knowing her intentions, I trailed off. Arin glanced at me and her gaze stopped at my shoulder.
"You seem alright."
"I seem alright, why so?"
"Your shoulder."
Arin stabbed a cherry tomato on her salad with a fork as she replied.
"I was worried. Your ability is super regeneration, right? Even serious injuries heal quickly, but you never know what side effects might occur."
Ah, I see.
Given Arin's strong sense of responsibility as a class rep, it's only natural she'd be concerned after seeing her classmate's shoulder in such a state. Healing doesn't erase the fact that I was injured.
"Ms. Angelina mentioned it already, but be careful. Your ability doesn't erase pain either."
That's what makes it better—
Wait, what am I saying?
"I saw your expression then. It hurt… more than you expected, right?"
"…"
"You don't have to answer if you don't want to. Sorry. I didn't mean to bring up something unpleasant."
Oh, no.
I stayed silent, but not because of that.
I just thought… wasn't my expression a bit funny back then?
"I don't know if you remember, but I'm Arin. And you're Leon, right?"
"Yes."
"Nice to meet you. If you ever need anything, feel free to let me know."
She must have felt sorry for me, eating alone.
I nodded with a shy smile.
The rest of the day went by uneventfully.
The afternoon classes were mandatory, but I couldn't really focus. Not that it was just me. This subject wasn't particularly important to the academy students.
In other schools, it might be considered crucial, but not here. First-year students mostly learn it in the first semester; in the second semester, the amount of practical classes increase, and in the upper grades, most of the curriculum shifts to "combat."
That is the sad fate of those with supernatural abilities.
Only people with supernatural abilities can stand against the monsters from the otherworld. Once you're given that role, your direction in life is essentially set.
But my inability to focus wasn't just because of that. My mind was uneasy. I wanted to get back to the dormitory as soon as possible. My chest felt tight. So tight that I clutched at my chest several times during lunch. During class, I lost count of how many times I rubbed my shoulder. Time dragged on. The ticking clock seemed to stop. Meanwhile, my heart raced faster and faster. Eventually, my heartbeat was so loud I couldn't hear anything else.
After dismissal, I hurried back to the dorms.
I burst into my room, slamming the door open and then shutting it tightly.
The first thing I did was—
"No… this isn't it…."
I cut into my shoulder.
I stabbed the dagger deeply, twisting it to widen the wound.
Hot blood spilled onto the floor, but my mind was preoccupied elsewhere.
"It had hurt more than this… it was far more painful…."
Why? What's different?
When the chimera golem bit into my shoulder, it was excruciating enough to make me forget who I was, what I was doing, and what I intended.
I ran back to the dorms to relive that sensation, to feel the biting sensation in my shoulder once again, so I declined Arin's invitation to walk back together and came here in a hurry.
"It hurts. But… it's lacking. Far too lacking."
My dangling left arm.
I had methodically crushed my shoulder bone with a mace.
I slowed my regeneration, recreating the situation as best I could.
But still, why…?
"Why does it feel lacking? It hurts…it should be excruciating..."
A prickling pain.
At least the pain level matched what I felt during the ability assessment.
And yet, it feels insufficient. Why?
"Ugh, ah—"
I slowly pulled the dagger out of my shoulder.
When I wiped away the tears pooling in my eyes, I saw the blade covered in dark red blood.
I tossed it aside carelessly and dug my fingers into the wound.
"More~♡ tear it open… like… this… Ah~♡ it hurts… yes, it hurts..."
My legs trembled as I leaned against the wall.
Breathing became difficult. I didn't realize I was panting so heavily.
The blood painted the floor red.
If I hadn't taken off my clothes, I'd have nothing to wear for tomorrow.
"It hurts… but something still… feels missing. Why?"
I tilted my head, trying to piece together my fragmented thoughts.
What's different between now and then?
That time, it was the golem, and now it's self-inflicted?
No. The pain is similar. That's not it.
The location? Back then, it was the training field, and here, it's my dorm room?
Does doing it outdoors heighten the thrill?
It's possible, but that alone doesn't explain it.
There has to be a much more fundamental reason…
"I don't know… I just don't… Leon, tell me…."
I mumbled in a pleading tone.
I wanted to relive that feeling, but I didn't know how.
What was there that's not here?
It wasn't a self-inflicted wound. It was a public place, and others were there—
"Huh?"
Others?
The entire Class A of 1st year, including Angelina, was there.
I clenched my teeth.
Was it the blood loss? My face looked pale in the mirror.
Their gaze.
Everyone was watching me.
When the chimera golem bit my shoulder, everyone watched in shock.
Everyone?
Everyone.
"Heh, heh-heh… haha..."
Yes.
That's it.
Everyone was watching, so I felt even more alive.
They watched me suffer, watched me in pain, watched me tremble, and saw my tear-streaked face… that's why it hurt even more.
"Hehe, heh-heh… haha…!"
Ah~ I couldn't hold back my laughter.
As my concentration faded, the super regeneration that I had been suppressing began to heal the wounds on my shoulder at the normal speed.
I tried to get up, but my legs gave out, and my arms deflated like balloons.
Thud!
I fell to the floor, soaked in blood.
The blood got on my face.
I blankly stared at the red horror and licked it with my tongue.
It was pungent. It tasted metallic.
"This is training… this is training…"
I was working hard with the spirit of self-sacrifice in order to develop my abilities.
It's just that.
There are no impure intentions.
Right? I'm perfectly fine and sane.
I soaked myself further in the pool of blood.
I closed my eyes tightly and let out a low breath.
Scenarios are played out in my head.
Like what happened today. A scene of me being brutally torn apart in front of everyone.
Me being captured by an otherworldly monster, having my limbs torn off, my organs ripped out, and my eyeballs gouged out.
"Hehehe—"
Ah~♡ It's the best!