I really wasn't expecting this but right now I feel numb, I've been standing creepily in front of his house for longer than I'd like to admit, at first I thought I would just arrive as normal, knock on the door, say hello, see his surprised face and receive a warm hug welcoming me back, and after a few formalities we would start talking about the past.
But as soon as I got out of the taxi, the doubts I thought I had put to rest came back, and then all the doubts and fear came back all at once as soon as I was standing in front of the house. But what I really find funny is that at some point in my life I believed that I had already gotten rid of this flaw, this stupid weakness that makes me doubt and paralyzes me in moments of crisis.
and to some extent i think that problem has gone away, after all i was a soldier for years, i know what it's like to be on the brink of death, with your body growing cold, when you feel that it's very likely that you'll die, that this time you're not going to be able to escape, your mind only comes back to thoughts of all the things you didn't do or say, i know what it's like to have killed another human being knowing that although enemies i was probably killing a son, brother or father, causing the tears of an entire family, after all they are all good after their death, i know what it's like to lose friends, companions, people for whom i would have given my life, only to lose them unintentionally without being able to do anything to prevent it.
which led me to think that I had overcome this flaw in my nature, but as soon as I stood at the door I knew something was wrong, something felt off, all the confidence I thought I had vanished into thin air, leaving me alone with the doubts I thought I had under control, only to find out that now it is the doubts that control me.
Damn, it's just a few steps, just knock on the door, and talk to a person, it's not that scary.
"So why the hell are you still hesitating because you just stand there like an idiot, it's just a couple of steps and talking"
I curse myself silently, in an attempt to regain the courage I thought I had when I came to this place, believing that it would be easy to go back as if nothing happened when in the past I ran away like a coward, so as not to face this type of situation.
*Uuuuuuf*, breathe just breathe, stop thinking and just act, you're not fixing anything by standing here.
As I try to calm down, I clench my fists tightly as I walk slowly towards the door, my legs numb with fear and eager to run away from this place, but I do everything possible to ignore that feeling, and when I'm a few inches from the door, I grab the small knocker and knock on the door.
*knock* *knock*, *knock*, *knock*.
The sound of knocks breaks the deafening silence that spreads throughout the street that seems completely deserted, but still I don't hear any reaction in the house.
"Maybe he's sleeping, maybe I should take a walk around the area and come back later."
members try to find an excuse for my cowardice and try to escape from this place, while I try to turn around to continue with my plan, in a corner of my vision I notice how the door slowly opens as if the owner of the house knew that the person knocking on his door is an acquaintance.
With the door wide open, I can see her, with her long, wavy hair in a messy state, staring at me as if she had seen a ghost, while the first rays of the morning sun illuminated her tired face, but since she is already here I have no choice but to speak.
Hey, it's been a while how have you….
*boom!*
*Argh!*
damn, I wasn't expecting that, I would have expected a slap, yelling or some insults, for appearing out of nowhere in his life after I had left capriciously without giving any explanations and years of pretending that everything was still normal between us, but I really wasn't expecting a direct punch to my face, and I have to admit that he is capable of giving a very good right hook.
I guess I deserve it a little, but since it was just a punch I guess I'm welcome.
As I speak I'm almost certain I saw her clenching her fists, sighing in exasperation, but we'll ignore that, because deep down I know she's happy to see me, otherwise she would have beaten me up for acting like a jerk.
Kaden, you fucking idiot, you know what just go on, we'll talk inside, it's too early for us to have a fight in the street.
While I think that she was the only one who attacked, and she was probably expecting a fight, I choose to silently continue into her house, whose decor has changed quite a bit since the last time I was here.
Finally we stop in the kitchen of the house, while I remain seated she goes to a coffee maker, and begins to prepare a coffee, and although while she was preparing it she offered me one I rejected it.
Well, I will always remember that ever since I met her, she has had a serious problem with her coffee and sugar, because she always makes her coffee too sweet, and I really doubt that her taste for coffee has changed during the years of our separation.
As I listen to the muffled sound of her slippers approaching me with her coffee in a cup with incomprehensible drawings of a pop band, I think that that cup was probably a gift from an acquaintance, since she didn't usually talk much about her musical tastes, so the gift must have been given to her by someone who knew her well enough, or perhaps her personality has changed in this period of time and it was a gift from a casual person or she bought it for herself.
While I'm thinking about the origin of a cup of coffee, she sits across the bar from me and watches me with a calm, almost scrutinizing look, as if she were trying to figure out why I'm here, just by staring at me, or maybe she just wants me to feel uncomfortable with her gaze and explain it on my own, but if I choose to speak the way I explain, how much I say or with what part I start.
While I was falling into uncertainty about starting a conversation, she was the one who decided to speak first.
So Kaden, welcome back, it's always nice when a friend like you comes back to our homes.
It's easy to notice that he's taking a moment to breathe and think about what to say next, because although we were close, we haven't spoken face to face in a very long time, and it's obvious that neither of us are the same kind of people we were years ago.
which is why it is likely that he is subconsciously evaluating our type of relationship, because although we were inseparable years ago, time has changed many things and distance has not helped in this, so there is a feeling of incongruity of how we should behave towards each other,
as the same people we were years ago, as cordial acquaintances or as distant friends who can go out and have fun with each other but will never be confidants.
But the truth is that this question is useless, because from the moment I had her in front of me I knew that, although we are no longer the same people we were years ago, our relationship is still almost the same as we had years ago, even if it is difficult for her to process.
I knew it from the moment she threw that right hook at my face and I confirmed it with that sigh of exasperation, because she was always like that, like an older sister I never had, who would get upset and violent when I did something stupid, but after a few sighs and murmurs she would forgive me and help me solve the problem I got involved in.
and even though so much time had passed, her reaction was basically the same as she had years ago when I did something stupid and made the problem worse by trying to fix it on my own, and in the end I had to ask her for help to solve it, and even though there was not always a good solution or final result, at the end of the day I could count on her, because she always tried to look out for my well-being, trying to prevent me from doing so many stupid things.
So Kaden, tell me what happened and why are you here, because after all this time and me not hitting you and throwing you out, I think I deserve an explanation.
As I listen to her question me, I can't help but think that the dynamics of our relationship are quite strange, because she behaves as if she were someone older than me but our age difference is only a year and a few months, but she behaves as if I were some kind of problem child, who I have to watch so that he doesn't hurt himself or other people.
*Uuuuuuf* , okay, but promise you won't get angry.
I say in a low voice, because I'm almost sure she'll be angry long after I tell her my reasons and justifications for everything I did and didn't do.
I can't promise anything, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.
She responds in the calmest tone I've heard her use all day, even though we haven't talked much.
So which part do you want me to start with? And which part do you want me to tell you first?
I think it's time to talk about this seemingly taboo subject, and what better way to talk about it than with someone I feel I can trust.
start at the beginning, why did you leave without explanation, and decided to screw over so many people in your life while you were leaving, and if possible give me a short version.
Well that makes it a lot simpler. I have to tell things in the order in which they happened, and as I remember them.
Before we start, could you give me some tea? I remember you always had some for your visitors.
While she moved towards her kitchen drawers in search of tea, I tried to calm myself down, to be as coherent as possible with what I am about to explain.
I don't want to admit it but I'm more nervous than I expected, but I think everything is under control, after all I knew that when I came back I would have to give a lot of explanations, so I'm prepared for this.
Although being prepared doesn't make it any easier, because I still think the same thing will happen when I told other people and our relationships ended up breaking up, and deep down I'm afraid she'll be the same as everyone else, that she won't understand, that she'll criticize me, hate me and abandon me after I tell her the truth.
and although I have thought about sugarcoating the truth a little, so that she doesn't see me in a bad light, the reality is that I know that she would notice if I lied to her, and even if she didn't, I really don't want to lie to her, I want her to listen to me, to hear my version of the story, and decide if she really wants me to be present in her life, because I feel that she is one of the few people who could accept herself after everything I've done, and although I know that something would break in me if she rejected me, I don't want to deny her the option to choose.
but I really have to remind myself, that I'm not here looking for a happy ending or to fix my past, all I'm hoping for is to make peace with my past, I simply want to finally be at peace with myself after all this time, because for a long time I've been tormented by ghosts from the past, that constantly remind me to never fix my problems and to just run away from my problems and my past, and that's why I'm here, to prove to myself that I'm not afraid of my past and to regain the peace that I lost so long ago.
As I try to gather my courage, Anna finally returns from the kitchen with the tea, which she hands to me, and after blowing on it to cool it down a bit, I take a sip and prepare to begin my story.
Do you remember 6 years ago when my father was still alive, before everything collapsed?
With that begins a story full of pain and resentment, a story that marked the past and that of many people, but that I still never thought I would tell again, after all this story was the end of the way of life that I had always known.
As the story begins, my mind goes back to that moment before everything changed, before the hypocrites took off their masks of kindness and friendship, to show their disgusting faces full of deceit and betrayal.