Library is not Jacques's usual place to visit, but he's been there lately. Just passing by, only to see how much Charles enjoys his conversation with Mourice, how much they love spending time together as if no one else exists.
It stabs him in the heart every time he does.
How can Mourice get it so easily, and effortlessly?
How?
He did not know the struggle—how much Jacques wants to get Charles's attention, only to receive mean or cold responses, so much to the point where he thinks Charles has no sense of humor at all, incapable of being warm and happy.
But then Mourice entered the scene and unlocked a side of Charles that he never knew existed.
It's like they are soulmates.
How bitter it is.
He wishes he was in Mourice's place. He wishes it was him. But it's not.
Jacques doesn't know what to do with this. Should he be angry? Or should he be sad? Other kids had parents to talk to, but he doesn't have one. He tried to talk about it to his mother, but when he heard her voice, he couldn't tell her about what he's experiencing and how confused he is in handling these complicated emotions.
Remembering his childhood, he was never really in a situation where he talked about emotions at all—he just barked his emotions out. But if he barks now, it will only hurt someone, and he is capable of doing that. Very. He doesn't want to hurt anyone; he just wants to be liberated from this weird situation. Because to be honest, something makes him stuck on Charles. But he cannot tell what it is.
After he watches for a couple of minutes from afar, he cannot watch anymore and walks away. Riding his motorcycle to somewhere else. He should've visited Sulu and learned how to fly—it would lead him closer to his dream to fly among the stars.
However, every time he looks at the sky, he can hear Charles's last words to him: "No one wants you, or your stupid childish dream!"
Well, he didn't say it like that, but basically, that's what he said.
And those words are powerful enough to make Jacques avoid the sky, stop sneaking out, and shut the window off. Every time he sees the sky and remembers his dream, he remembers what Charles told him, and he feels ashamed.
Maybe what he needs to do now is to study. To be serious with reality. What's real? This academy that he chose. To become a policeman, because that's what everyone does. No one dreams of flying. No one with a good level of sanity. Jacques feels ashamed of himself, awakened from delusion, and starts to take his life seriously.
What does Mourice do?
He takes his life seriously. He studies, he listens to the lector, he sees this life as a challenge, and he knows he will win. While Jacques? He only plays. He does whatever he wants. So childish, according to Charles.
And this is why Charles chooses Mourice over him.
So Jacques closes the window with the curtain, not letting any wind or sunlight enter the room, not even caring about the sky anymore. He sits at the desk and begins throwing away his spacecraft designs—designs he had carefully tailored for Charles. A small library because Charles loves books, which was once a space for his gaming room. An orange scent because it's his favorite perfume. A bathroom with a bathtub, not a shower, because that's what Charles likes. And a simple kitchen because he hates cooking. When he looks at the designs now, he can't believe how much of himself he had shaped around Charles's comfort.
But what did he say about it?
"Are you still dwelling on that useless thing? We're almost at exams."
Jacques burns everything down at the park and watches his dream designs quickly turn into dust.
It's time to get serious, and maybe, Charles will be back. At least he will know that Jacques is trying.
***
Back in the library, Charles and Mourice are in a heated discussion about forensic science. There's something that he doesn't understand, and Mourice is patiently explaining it to him. Mourice is amazing. At first, Charles was worried so much that his questions would bore Mourice or make him think that he is an idiot and get turned off. However, it only shows how much Mourice enjoys his time spent with Charles. He never complains about anything and never gets tired of being around him. It really helps Charles to relax and trust his free mentoring.
Charles adjusted his glasses, his expression still tense. "I still don't get why the classification even matters if everything gets processed eventually."
"Because it affects the order of investigation," Mourice said, amusement flickering in his eyes. "If you misclassify something, you waste time testing the wrong thing first. It's about narrowing down the variables."
Charles's mouth curled slightly. "So it's just paperwork disguised as science."
"Welcome to forensic science," Mourice said with a soft laugh.
Charles sighed. "No wonder I hate this subject."
"You don't hate it," Mourice said, his voice lowering as his eyes locked on Charles, carrying some hidden intention. "You just haven't met someone who'd make you love it."
Charles noticed that look in Mourice's eyes and smiled back. But then his mind slapped him back to reality. Wake up! He's straight!
So Charles stopped smiling and cleared his throat, his gaze dropping back to the textbook to find something else to discuss.
But Mourice put his hand on Charles's and squeezed it. "That's why you need a buddy who can help you figure out the system."
Charles's heart dropped when he realized the noticeable flirt Mourice had just shown. It was a very clear flirt. Because Mourice had figured it out; in order to talk to Charles, he had to be straightforward. This guy was really bad at reading body language.
Mourice flashed a smile with raised eyebrows that made him look like an innocent child begging for candy. "Be my buddy?"
Charles opened his mouth, shocked. Did he just ask him to be in a buddy system with him? Which means... this is an invitation to be roommates?!
This was too good to be true for Charles. His crush had asked him to be his roommate and tied it up with a program where they'd share grades together—a ride-or-die situation.
"I—" Charles stuttered, even though his heart was screaming, YES! YES! SAY YES!
But before he could say anything, Mourice's phone vibrated, and he had to pick it up, worried it was from his dad, which would mean a sudden visit if he didn't answer.
"Just a sec," Mourice said, answering the call, only to be disappointed when he saw it wasn't his dad but Danielle. He picked it up anyway—otherwise, she would report to his dad that he'd been busy with something else.
"Hey, baby, what's up?" Mourice answered the call with a smile on his face.
Hearing Mourice call someone else "baby" made Charles break from the excitement he had felt a moment ago.
"No, I'm just… with my friend. Yeah, Charles. What? No, of course not! I'm not gay! I like women, you know… No, it's just that he needs me to fix his grades, so I'm giving a little help, that's all. Nothing more." Mourice winked at Charles to signal that he was just acting.
However, at that time he forgot that Charles was really bad at reading body language, and Charles took this as Mourice being truthful about what he said—that he was only playing with Charles. How did he come up with that conclusion? Well, he did.
So Charles feels his stomach in chaos, swirling around like a washing machine. A surge of emotions he doesn't understand rises up. He couldn't tell if it's anger, jealousy, or just disappointment—or everything at once. He packs his belongings hurriedly, making sure to slam everything to emphasize that he isn't okay.
Mourice gets the message; this boy is upset.
Charles runs out of the library at the speed of light.
"Babe, I'll call you back later, okay?" Mourice turns off his phone and chases after Charles. He's in such a hurry that his phone doesn't slip into his pants but drops on the floor, cracking the case.
"Shit!" But Mourice can't pick it up—he runs toward Charles before he gets too far.
He catches Charles just as he finishes stepping down the stairway.
Mourice's grip on Charles's elbow is tight; he's not letting the boy go.
"Let me go!"
"You know I wasn't serious with her," Mourice says as he glances around, afraid someone might see them. He's relieved to find that no one is at the front hall of the library.
"Yeah? Then dump her!" Charles challenges him, and judging from Mourice's facial expression, he knows it's not an easy choice for him.
"Can you?" Charles asks again, but Mourice looks down at the ground. Because he knows the stakes are too high. If he dumps Danielle, his father will know what he's doing. He'll send a detective to make sure he knows what his son has been up to. And if his father finds out his son is gay…
The son might lose everything.
"Just as I thought," Charles says, pulling his arm free and walking away.
This time, Mourice doesn't chase him. He kicks a stone nearby and spits, "Shit!"