It was December 30th.
Standing there, his hair swaying softly, eyes that we're dark yet gleam like the stars.
He always had such a gentle appearance. It made his already handsome face more adoring to my eyes.
The snow was falling down as we stood there on the building's rooftop. Not that high yet not that low. Enough for us to see the scenery from afar- cars driving down the road, the songs for the coming of the new year.
"Aurora" he says my name very gently and softly looking at me with those eyes filled with solemn and love.
"..."
"Do you really need to go?" I asked the question I've been saying again and again to him. Hoping that in one of my questioning his answer would change.
But in my hopes he'd stand there looking at me,
"You know I can't stay."
I closed my eyes inhaling the cold air of the last snow of the year. Within the sudden ached of my heart, the answer to his words, and the thing on why I stand in here infront of him.
I was reminded of the past.
"Rorie!" Matthew exclaimed making me turn around and him suddenly tackling me to a hug.
"Hey- Matthew" I said almost falling down white holding two ice creams.
It was the end of our 1st term in senior highschool and we decided to go to an arcade to celebrate.
It was December 4th. We've been together for one year now. We were bestfriends for 8 years and became official the moment we stepped into senior highschool.
I looked at him smiling brightly to me, laying his head on my shoulder and wrapping his arms around my stomach.
"Aw you bought us ice cream? That's why I love you." He said and kissed my cheek making me sigh and smile.
I will never know where I will be if he wasn't here. Matthew has been that solid rock on my life eve since my parents divorced and everything went rock bottom.
I cut off every single person I had in my life, realized some were backstabbing me and that some really didn't care for me.
But Matthew was there.
No matter how much I pushed him off he was there patiently waiting for me and walking alongside me. Climbing my walls instead of breaking them knowing that those walls of mine were there to protect myself. He'd come to my home and then would call me with either bringing food, games, or gifts for no reason.
Those sudden gestures became my warmth.
And now, here we are him being the sun in the darkness of my days.
"I would have dropped these, you know they cost a bit." I said nudging my shoulder up- the shoulder where his head was.
He laughed tilting his head and shaking it, "If it would drop I would treat you double." he'd swear and I rolled my eyes. Him with his smooth talking.
"Wow."
"What? You know it's true."
"Yeah I know. But hearing it annoys me a bit."
"Annoy you? Probably the word is fluttery."
"Fluttery my foot."
"You know you love it."
I scoffed as he gave me that smile. I could never win from him.
"Just- just eat it." I said and giving him his ice cream. He's favorite flavor was double dutch. I remember it being double dutch when we walked to the ice cream shop fo the first time and I said I didn't like chocolate so I'll be ordering something like vanilla.
He'd turn to me and say "Oh really? I don't like eat too much either but I really love double dutch. The nuts are to die for just like my-" before he could finish that sentence I'd hit his shoulder and he'd laugh. Him and his jokes.
"Thank you Rorie." Matthew said getting the ice cream from my hands, putting a short pause to hold my hand from the cone before taking it and eating his.
I'd look at him before eating mine, after time he'd stand up tall and then hold my hand as we walk on the streets to the arcade.
This will be the 9th year we're spending Christmas together.
He was the one that could be a gentleman with a spirit of a gremlin. He'll have the most soft gestures that I didn't know could be given to a person. And then when you're really gloom or out of nowhere he'd start to say or do the most unhinged of things. I really wonder where does his mind circle about to be like this.
"Aurora"
"Hm?"
"Remind me when it's already our 15th Christmas okay?"
I'd blink and tilt my head looking at him quizically.
"Why?"
He shook his head smiling holding my hand more, "Nothing. Just remind me okay?"
I'd stare at him and then looked at where we're walking.
"Alright." I answered, I don't know why but the thought we'd still be together years from now now…makes me happy.
"...Matthew." I said looking up at him and he'd look down at me tilting his head.
"Yeah?"
I paused a bit gazing at him, my hand tightening on his.
"We'd be together…for long. Right?"
He stared at me, and was quiet before nodding smiling softly.
"I'll be with you for long, don't worry about that."
Him saying that with such a smile on his face made me feel warm. I turn away and my cheeks warming before leaning my head softly on his shoulder holding his hand tightly as we walk. If I get to greet the new year and bid the old year goodbye like this everytime…Introduction and the end wouldn't be so hard.
….
But right now, here we are standing on top of the building one day away from the new years. And my heart aching to my chest as the snow falls down.
Matthew looked at me his eyes having millions of words.
"Don't cry, Rorie." he'd say, comforting me like he always do-
I bit my lip looking down to stop my tears clenching my hands. How can I? When the one person I cherish the most in the world is suddenly now leaving me forever?
"...I can't let go. Damn it Matthew." I said tearing up my hands shaking.
"..."
The snow grows cold as the clock ticks almost nearing midnight on which the new year would start.
I'm not ready. I'll never be ready.
I can't say goodbye to the year where he's in.
"..Aurora" I hear his voice near me and suddenly holding my hand- but I didn't felt anything only a warm wisp from the wind.
"You'd have to let go." he whispered and I looked up at him face of anger and hurt.
"Let go? How could I let go of the person I've always have by my side for years? How can you say for me to let go? I can't- I can't knowing I need to let go of you-"
He held my cheek caressing it and I closed my eyes trying to feel the same warm he always had when he caressed it.
"...Don't go Matthew." I whispered a desperate wish- a wish to give on the stars above- I never wish for anything ever since I was young. But this one,
Just this one.
Please.
Matthew looked at me and caressed my cheeks more- his eyes saying how he wish to embrace me tight.
"...I'm not leaving you Rorie." he whispered and then put a hand to my chest.
"I'm right here. Always."
I blinked looking up at him, his faded figure in the cold gazing down at me with all the love and softness in the world.
"...But you're going right now." I answered weakly and shaking.
Matthew Winchest,
It was after our 2nd semester of 12th grade. I was going on vacation to my grandmother for the rest of the break before returning for college now. He was going to his parent's place near the beach.
I tried calling him again and again after our last midnight call- he wasn't answering so I thought there was no signal. When I returned home I chatted him and then tried to go to his home- he wasn't there.
Worry and coldness was what I felt a year ago, I didn't know what happened- did something happen? Or is he in air traffic so he can't use his phone?
But no, the days passed and no answer. I was beginning to think he left without telling me- to go live to another country. Somehow- I felt heart crushing thinking that because he would never do that. He would always tell me where he is even without asking.
I got a phone call.
That phone call, changed my entire life.
"Aurora?"
"Oh my- Miss Winchest- thank goodness you called. Is Matthew there? He isn't home yet and I'm getting worried."
"...Well," she started solemn
The next words she said crashed my whole world.
Matthew was driving buying something when going home. It was the start of the snowy season so the roads were a bit slippery.
Driving back a truck that was overloaded had it's tire pop and suddenly turned to another lane- and hit the car Matthew was in.
He got out- and the ambulance came but-
But it was too late.
"...Aurora" his mother started as I was already in the floor crying so much and my phone besides me.
"He…his last phone call was you dearie." she whispered shakily, pain for the loss of a son.
"We didn't told you for some time because- me and his father didn't expect the news we suddenly lose every ounce of reality. The moment I felt like calling you I did…"
"...We'll…send you a ticket to come here and…have his burial. We'll send you also the things he wanted to give you."
Staring at him I teared up- it's been a year but- I can't let go. I just can't.
"...It's our 15th Christmas few days ago." I whispered looking at him trying to not cry.
He nodded caressing my cheeks.
"...It was." He whispered.
"I never get to give you what I wanted…"
Slowly he held my hand. The whisper of a touch of his holding mine tightly.
"...When you go down these stairs. Check your mailbox." he said looking at me.
"The moment you break eye contact with me. Check it. Okay?"
I look at him shaking my head. No- I've already been grasping at him tightly so much. If I look away he'll be gone.
I don't want him to be gone.
"...Aurora," he started leaning down holding my cheeks now.
He smiled to me, smiling softly. That smile that I love so much.
"I'm never gone for good. I made a promise didn't I?"
"I'll be with you for long." he whispered and I closed my eyes leaning my head to him.
It's been a year. Of not letting go. The bridge and the chapters we've made together. I can't turn the page yet. I'm still wanting to write it with him.
"Rorie," he whispered looking at me softly.
"I love you forever. I'll always look after you."
"Even when you don't see me. Even when you can't touch me."
"I promise you, I'm right here with you."
A tear fell again and then I felt such touch to my lips a warm one.
And when I opened my eyes, I looked at him as the snow fell quick surrounding him- the clock striking 12:00.
"..."
I stare around and then up at the clock as it clicks. My heart feeling…a bit more lighter, a bit more warmer.
All because of Matthew…as always.
I turned looking at the door. With a silent voice I walked down, back at home.
I'll enter 2025.
But I'll enter it with the boy I fell inlove with at 2020.