when I was young everything about me and my life was different. I used to be the guy that was overly bullied at school and also as if things were better at home, my life was a complete mess. I had two brothers and one little sister yes; my life wasn't a luxurious life as expected to be but at least I had my brains to help me change my situation. I used to have many friends, but I didn't know why they liked me even many girls would come to flirt with me and say that they like me. I had said to myself that perhaps I'm those popular hot guys I always see in the movies yet somehow when it's a day for trips and other occasions I don't actually wear all fancy, yet people want to be close to me. One day I overheard everyone talking about me saying how much of a fool I am since I do everyone's homework yet I thought they hang out with me cause they like me but the truth is that they want to be close to me because they just want to use me in order to have better grades I guess being an outsider to south Africans make you a pawn to their little tricky games. I mean I won't lie girls there are pretty, but I prefer to be alone than to have fake relations with people, it's better to be your true self than to put on a mask and lie to someone. well, I know that you must be shocked on why am I speaking about going to school in South Africa, yet I grew up somewhere else well let's just say I completed my high school studies in South Africa and went back home for five years seeking for a job yet nothing pops in my emails yep it sucks living in a country where people struggle to get the job of their dreams. when I was young I grew up harshly in a harsh environment and things didn't go well for me I had no real friends and mom left me when I was younger and honestly since then I don't have a good relationship with mom and when it comes to dad things get worse he left mom and rejected me saying that mom cheated even though that never happened at all and so since mom was young and naive and she was still in high school she felt that she won't be able to take care of me and left me with strangers to take care of me in the village just to move into SA and start her life anew. Ever since I was young, I blamed her for everything bad happening in my life cause if she didn't leave me to the wolves and to grow harshly without any type of parental love then I wouldn't be in such a sticky situation where I would have to push away any person who tries to enter my life and show me love and affection. Growing up without parents was hard and I had to learn how to sleep without eating food sometimes and learn how to go to school with torn clothes and shoes and it was really hard seeing my friends with parents being taken care of, yet I lacked a caring parent I didn't have a mother or a father instead I had strangers.
So since my childhood was not perfect but worse let me get to the worst part. When I was young, I used to face a lot of rejection and didn't know love, empathy, care, respect and a lovely family home. All that to me it just existed in stories, movies and novels otherwise it just was something too good to be true. And since I grew up with strangers the only thing, I could do was to pretend that I am fine and happy even though I knew that I wasn't and so this was my daily thing pretending that I was happy, loved and cared for even though I knew that even the people that are taking care of me don't even treat me well. sometimes I would go around the streets and beg for food even though I had a place to stay they would treat me badly and nights wouldn't pass without me crying feeling so much anger, pain and sadness yet as I kept on growing up I ended up telling myself that it was their way of showing me that they love me even though it wasn't they just saw me as a burden but since I would get good grades they didn't want to chase me out cause they saw me as a gold that can change their lives forever. One day the people that raised me told me that my mom came back and would like to see me. Honestly if it was some other person, they would be happy and actually enjoy but instead we get to see something different mom hugged me and cried but I didn't and actually didn't even know how it's like to be loved or cherished instead I didn't feel any sense of emotions in my heart. I just felt like she's wasting her time. she was even apologizing instead I said I'm already used to the fact that she left me her own flesh and blood that she gave birth to but honestly after what she did I told myself that I have no one but myself and everyone who's feeling love is actually deceiving himself. They say a man doesn't cry which means we shouldn't feel anything including love. And so I ended up telling myself that I want to go back to SA again after five years and guess what I did and by then I was 25 and it was November I was actually looking for a job as a teacher at a school nearby where I stay and mom offered that I stay with her but I didn't agree and this was my way to start my life anew as an independent man and I didn't want my reasons to be an unrecognized person to affect my present that I wanted to change and so this was the beginning of the war I was in to fight for a better life.