Chapter 22-1
Trying New Things
Part 2
I knew the horses were ready even though I wasn't after realizing we wouldn't be using a saddle unless we wanted some serious chaffing. Trust me, you don't want to do it. Riding towards the Rock-water 's only to remove the saddles can cause your bare butt sticking to the seat or slide because of the lotion to prevent sunburn.
Let's just say that removing the saddle and riding bareback was a little more comfortable. Wearing pants or shorts would have also helped, but if we had chosen that route in the nudist colony we would have stuck out like a sore thumb. Jason and my baby brother were all for it and were a little more excited about it than Jared and I knew that we could get easily aroused. I gave Jared the same advice that Dad gave me that if it happens, just let and not let it control our life. I know, easier said than done.
I had asked about the trails and how experienced a rider needed to be finding out that we would be riding beginner trails. Considering we weren't used to riding bareback. Well, I was, considering I had done it on one or more occasions. Having my baby brother ride with me and Jason and Jared each riding their own horse with our fourth being used by the girl whose brother I saved, since she didn't have one. I looked away as I helped her up so my eyes didn't linger on her butt, yet not succeeding. I started to understand when my sisters and Mom said that I had a cute butt. Wanting very much to pat it or perhaps give it a good squeeze. I hadn't noticed I was blushing until she giggled at me. I quickly turned my eyes and climbed on my horse already missing the stirrups, having Mr. Rock-water help me up and returned to help my brothers and his wife.
We simply followed everyone else always looking back to make sure my two brothers were ok. Jared and Jason gave me a thumbs up and we continued upwards to a large meadow and a small hot spring smelling the sulfur. I had always heard about them but personally never tried it.
We soon stopped and found a nice comfortable spot to where we could tie up the horses and let them free feed on the grass, setting a long picket line. Mrs. Rock-water placed down a couple of large blankets for us to sit on. The fact we didn't bring our towels was obvious, yet there was little if anything I could do about it, repeating Dad's words. Besides it's not like I haven't seen it, it was just that I was the only one that seemed concerned about it.
We had a quick lunch and set up to play volleyball or chose to play Frisbee or toss the ball. The option was left up to us, Jared and I chose volleyball letting the Jason and Jonathon play Frisbee. Considering the older kids like Jared and I had already chosen us to be on their teams. I knew it would be rude to say no and Mom and Dad would be angry if we didn't join in the fun. Whenever someone bumped into me, whether it was a girl or boy, I chose to put my feelings and problems aside, resulting in a more enjoyable experience.
It only became awkward when we all bathed in the hot springs when it was unavoidable not to touch each other. The situation worsened when Isza and Fiona stood beside me. I was startled when they accidentally touched my midsection. I wasn't sure if it was on purpose or by accident. Until they giggled having Mrs. Rock-water tell them not to embarrass me only to rub her hand closer than she had ever had before. Leaned over and whispered in my ear that most boys my age liked it and stopped me from putting a sock on the door. Placing her daughter's hand where it shouldn't belong having me jump out of the springs.
Mr. Rock-water followed me, putting his arm around me. He assured me that it was perfectly okay and that I was now part of their family. He thanked me for saving his children's lives and offered to help me with my problem. If I don't want to they would understand. I felt abused, I felt violated. Mom and Dad hadn't told me how to handle this type of problem. Kissing was one thing but having them stimulate me was quite another.
Once again, I thought of Shawn and Arthur and I wanted no part of it, so I told Mr. Rock-water that I would prefer if they didn't. Having him ask me if I needed some privacy to do it on my own pointing to the trees. I declined the offer, explaining that I would be fine. He then invited me to sit on the blanket and proceeded to tell me about his first time and how he used to live in the city until he met his wife on his LDS mission. Like most LDS people they believed no sex before marriage and frowned on masturbation until after they were married.
I knew the rules they in strict upon us and felt that rule alone seemed stupid. When everyone else including them had been doing it all their lives, even all my foster parents didn't agree with it. They all assured me that putting a sock on the door for privacy was completely normal, even my foster Mom and Dad, as well as my mother and grandmother. Yet it's different when it comes to the three bad boys. Doing it alone is one thing. What they were doing was quite disgusting. Dad had told me a few times that he let Mom do it all the time before they were actually married. He continued as I sat there very uncomfortable listening to him. He noticed I was quite uncomfortable but let on that it was ok.
He quickly told me when his wife suggested coming here for a visit. Growing up in this lifestyle and raising a family here, I appreciate the freedom to be ourselves without masks. This community values real connections and rejects the impact of drugs and crime from outside influences. I could understand that considering the Rothwells were doing the same thing, even more so because of Shawn and now Jody.
He then told me how at first, he was shy; very shy not being raised as a nudist like his wife was. So, I told him about how shy I was and how my parents felt about me always being covered. I explained to him that the primary reason was the physical and mental abuse I endured. They insisted on hiding the bruises and deemed it immoral for me to expose anything other than my face in public. They even went to the extent of making me wear gloves on my fingers, which they would have done for my face if it weren't against the law. Showing him some of the scars on my back, and legs and a couple on my chest, as faint as they were they still could be seen. I felt his fingers touch them, seeing the tears in his eyes.
I explained to him that my father is the only one who abuses me now. My mother has stopped doing that, and she no longer considers me immoral. She has accepted my lifestyle and hopes to get closer to me, she said. She was worried about me not letting her see her grandchildren or inviting her to the wedding if I found someone. I believe she was also jealous of other mothers with happy families, feeling inferior due to peer pressure.
The abuse I experienced made me extremely shy. My foster parents had to struggle to get me to bathe or change clothes, and I would go to bed fully dressed, even wearing shoes and socks. Yet because of them and more so of the Rothwells. I had overcome my shyness, and now feel comfortable in my own skin. That being here sharing myself with others has been and wasn't as hard as could have been if I hadn't already been raised in this lifestyle over the last six years. More so over the last three years. My awesome tan proved it.
He asked how me how many homes I had been in. And I told him nineteen, the Rothwells being number nineteen. He nodded telling me that was a lot. I shrugged my shoulders that it didn't matter. He then told me his experience of how he overcame his shyness, how at first, he wanted to hide in the house or wear a robe whenever guests came over. Only his wife was comfortable enough to show herself, but in time after living here a few months. Life changed for him, and he became comfortable about being here and living the lifestyle.
Yet like most guys his and my age, we had a problem with being aroused in groups of people so easily. Every day it didn't matter how many private moments he had; it was still a problem. Until a woman, not his wife, but a close friend had touched him as his wife did to me and his daughters. That he quickly like me wanted no help in that department; mostly because he was raised LDS and their rules what they consider immoral, how being a nudist didn't quite fit into their lifestyle.
I shared with him that I can relate to his feelings. My father would view me as immoral and physically punish me for wearing casual clothing like shorts and a tank top. Yet I also knew people where I lived who understood and were a more open with this lifestyle like my closest friends and their parents. Even my mother and grandmother accepted the idea and supported the Rothwells in their choice of how to raise me. In fact, I had friends who supported the idea in both places. Regardless of my location, I always had people with a similar lifestyle as the Rothwells.
However, their approach was more private compared to here. As we exchanged stories about our lives, it seemed to bring us closer. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing, but he appeared more relaxed. Knowing we both shared ourselves regarding our feelings and how we were raised. I questioned if that was a mistake and if Dad would punish me for telling him about my life.
Yet I had opened that door, so I continued on going by my gut feeling that I needed to be open when it came to sharing my life. That some part of me needed closure and he needed to know what I had lived through, something inside my gut told me that what I said would not only change his life but others. Man, I needed Jeff to tell me if I was doing the right thing. So I dived in telling him that because of my abuse. I felt uneasy when someone who wasn't family touched or hugged me like this. I struggled to express that it made me feel violated, even though I knew it wasn't rape. Mostly it was because of what Shawn did and how my parents treated me. But I wasn't allowed to say anything about Shawn or even mention his name or what recently had taken place at home.
He laughed, telling me he felt the same way when his wife's friend did it except for the hugging part he didn't mind that so much. But understood why I would have a hard time with because of the abuse I had gone through. Thanking me for opening myself and sharing my life with him saying it explains a lot why I feel uncomfortable. He wanted to know if he could tell others about my life, believing it would inspire and give hope to those who had faced similar struggles.
I gave him permission, hoping Mom and Dad wouldn't punish me for it. I despise keeping secrets, especially when it involves child abuse. People need to understand that it's not acceptable to mistreat their own children and the consequences it brings. I wanted to give hope that they too, could overcome it and speak out making it impossible for people to abuse their children. How could Mom and Dad punish me for something like that?
I let him continue mostly because I was curious, and I felt like he needed to share himself and his life with me. I began again by scooting closer to me almost touching, leaning back letting me see that he was aroused. I looked away feeling uncomfortable. He suggested I view him as a brother or father-figure, emphasizing that I rarely use the term "father" unless referring to my own. Stating the word Dad is out of respect.
He acknowledged my arousal and assured me that it was acceptable to engage in self-stimulation. He even mentioned that he and his sons occasionally do it together. That my Dad and he used to do it together with Shane and Shawn when they came to visit. I declined the offer covering myself with the corner of the blanket. I asked him to keep going, hoping he would get to the point. I wanted to avoid the awkwardness that was happening. It was shocking to hear that he knew Shane and Shawn and that they all did it together, instead of in private.
He said continuing on covering his in hopes of making me more comfortable. When his wife suggested the idea, it became even worse. She proposed that young boys my age and men his age should let girls or women, with his wife's permission, perform the task. Hoping to make us feel more at ease when it comes to the opposite sex, point blank said. "There is nothing wrong with having them give you "a hand job" a crude word. Using a more appropriate or polite word would be more effective in expressing your thoughts without offending others. It shows that you have good manners and were brought up well. It is important to avoid any insinuation of inappropriate content, especially when you are with close friends and family. It's their way and our way of showing your affection nothing more.
"It is better to share this experience with women you trust and love, like your foster mother, sisters, and even your own mother. By doing so, you can openly share yourself and allow them to reciprocate this affection. Then doing it yourself in secret, fantasizing what it might be like; leading you down the path that can create an even bigger problem as you get older son. Trust me and talk to other boys and their fathers if you need to. By sharing this type of affection a few times with them, you can avoid embarrassing moments and solve the problem instead of fantasizing about it alone.
"Instead, you become self-conscious unable to enjoy the life that has been offered. And can lead to being afraid and being with the opposite sex because you are afraid to open up and share your heart and soul. Or worst end up fearing if they even touch you that they are raping you like your foster brother Shawn and his friends. The fact that your foster sister Jody was raped by another foster boy and is not here with you. Says that your foster parents are trying to prevent that from happening to you and your brothers, because of a really bad experience.
We have received permission to invite you and your brothers due to your bravery in saving my children and others. I and my wife and daughters gladly welcome you and your brothers into our family as one of us. When you live with the Rothwells, you may be considered one of them. However, to us and others in our small community, both you and the Rothwells are now part of the Rock-water clan. You like the Rothwells will always have a home here."
Discovering that they were aware of Shawn and Jody and the situation was deeply disturbing. Mom and Dad had specifically instructed me not to mention it to anyone, or else I would be punished. Yet the mere idea of Mrs. Rothwell or my Rothwell sisters stimulating me made me feel very uncomfortable. Even my own mother doing it made me feel dirty. He did give me lots to think about, but I just wasn't ready to share this kind of experience without confirmation. Where was Jeff when I needed him?
He let the question hang and asked me if I was willing or if I would rather not, either way, they would understand. I said no that I wanted to talk to my parents first and pray about it. Even though I had no faith when it came to prayer, I only said it to get me out of the situation. I didn't want to make a mistake. So, I decided to listen to what my parents had to say before making a decision, even if they had already given me permission. I was really glad that I had an open relationship with them, or it would be unthinkable to ask them about it. Uncomfortable yes, but I trusted them. If they said it was ok then fine, if not that was fine too.
He asked if he could hug me, and I nodded in agreement. Despite feeling aroused, it was clear that he simply wanted to express his care for me, not engage in sexual activity. He confirmed it and kissed me on the head and said. "I love you Eric as if you are my own son, I want you to know my wife and I would never harm you or your brothers. Shawn's existence inspires us to love you and your brothers even more. We aspire to restore the world to its former state, but we understand that this can't erase what happened.
"All we can do is love you. You can feel safe and secure in our home and company. We want to assure you that we will never force you. Our goal is to help you overcome your fears and show you that sex can be positive when consensual and done at the right time and in the right manner.
"Marriage is not solely about sex; it involves two individuals sharing a life, raising a family, and teaching them the value of modesty and the true meaning of life. Being a nudist is more than that. It's about unity and love for each other and how God has created us as individuals, it's about respect for others and respect for ourselves. Clothing to us is a mask to hide our true feelings. It hides secrets about a person who doesn't want us to know who or what they are.
"Let me assure you that I am not your father. If I ever come face to face with the man who harmed you, I would ensure his demise. I also promise you that if your mother does the same, she won't live to reach prison. If you want to talk about anything day or night, we are there for you. All you have to do is open the door and come in, our door is always open. We are just as much as your family as the Rothwells. If you need a place to go, we will be here for you. All you have to do is say the word and we will come and get you, no matter where you are or how far you are. Not even death will separate you from me or us."
He kissed me again and wiped my tears away with his fingers. And hugged me so tight and squeezed my bottom. Telling me he couldn't resist letting me go. And thanked me for sharing myself and my life with him. When he squeezed my bottom, I should have been embarrassed, but instead, I felt a warm and fuzzy feeling inside, similar to when Mom and Dad did it.
Even though I didn't want to get back in I chose to. Rather than being the only one that wasn't. Letting my arousal point the way and climbed in, back in between the two girls. Mr. Rockwell simply told them that I was uncomfortable about the idea for now. To ask me first if it was ok, the girls nodded, and the problem was settled. Instead of showing that kind of affection they kissed each of my cheeks and each took my hand. I was ok with that even though it made me uncomfortable.
I pretended that I was fine allowing the hot springs to loosen those tight muscles. I only peeked under my eyelids after hearing soft moaning and feeling my feet being touched with his as he stretched out letting his wife stimulate him. He smiled at me when I opened them and rubbed his feet against my ankles and the back of my legs. I didn't say no instead I let him. Knowing he wouldn't hurt me; all he was doing was showing me affection.
We played a game of spider-ball and then went back to the cabin. Mom and Dad had taken the boat out, but they left me a note. The note said to warm up the lasagna if we were hungry, and we were. Mom and Dad knew that I could fend for myself when it came to fixing dinner for me and my brothers. So, to me, it was not a big deal. Yet the problem on my mind regarding what the Rock-water 's was offering me was. I would have like to call Bishop Earl or Bishop Sakes, but the only working phone was in town and wouldn't be all that private.
Jared helped me with the dishes sending my brothers up to our room to grab one of the games until Mom and Dad arrived. I knew right away he wanted to talk about something and didn't take long to figure out what that was watching him blush. I simply asked him if they tried to stimulate him. He nodded that they did, and he let them. Because Mom and his sisters did and thought it was ok, and had done it so many times before. Since Shawn and the others abused him, he stopped allowing them because he feared becoming like them. Additionally, he didn't want them to continue abusing him due to the potential arousal it caused.
My mind went into overdrive. Learning that Mom and my sisters had done this to him. Most likely Jason ever since they had shown they were mature enough to stimulate themselves. I swallowed hard asking if they did it to Jason and if Dad knew about it. He nodded that they had, and when he told Dad, Dad just said it was alright because they were showing him how to deal with the problem of being aroused. Even more so when they come here to visit, but we hadn't been here since I came to live with them being afraid about how I or my new foster brothers would handle the situation. Most of all they didn't want him or Jason to be embarrassed if they walked in on them doing it in their bedroom. I cringed when he said that.
Yet did it make it right? I asked him when was the last time Mom had done that. He said when she gave him and Jason a bath last night, and once again before they came into my room last night. Then telling me he mostly does it on his own, and Mom and our sisters ask first now because of what Shawn and they have done to him and Jason. That when he says no and they feel hurt and would cry holding him and Jason, and would ask them if it was because of what Shawn, Arthur, and Danny had done.
Telling them that it was and because of that, he doesn't feel right about it anymore. They should always ask first when he and Jason get tense or stressed out due to school or home issues, a bad day, lack of sleep, or simply to make them feel loved by showing care and concern. Instead of doing it in isolation and daydreaming about what used to be, before Shawn and his friends mistreated them. He now asked if I let the girls at the spring handle it. I shook my head no telling him that they tried, but I had refused because I wanted to talk to Mom and Dad about it first.
Jared said. "I regret not asking you earlier and letting them do it without questioning." When he asked if I had ever permitted Mom and our sisters to do it, I shook my head no. He looked down and said. "That explains why you put a sock on the door unlike Jason and me."
Telling me. "Sometimes Jason and I do it together, but it's not the same as if Mom and our sisters do it. I thought you and Shane were doing it together, so I assumed it would be fine for us to join as well. Mom and Dad agreed, but we can also choose to handle it alone or let them take care of it. Mostly it was because they were afraid that we would be doing other things besides stimulating ourselves. And doing what Shawn and they were doing or had done to us, having to always promise that we wouldn't. Dad took drastic actions, including putting us inside the turntable, in his quest for the truth about Shawn and the alleged abuse. Eventually, he made all of us undergo a test at the hospital. Proving that Shawn and they and their friends had raped us over and over."
I felt sick inside knowing that this had gone on for a very long time and it wasn't until recently that Mom and Dad stepped in and stopped it. It was also the first time Jared had really opened up to me. Sharing himself and what he had gone through.
Just listening made my blood boil wanting to kill Shawn and them for hurting him in such a way that he would always be reliving this nightmare. To me, he was my brother as much as Aaron was and I would do anything for him because I loved him more than life itself. I would gladly give my life for any of my brothers if it ever came to that, and I knew if there was a God, he would expect me to.
I needed to find out if Dad would be an issue or if it was best to keep him in the dark about what happened today with the Rock-water 's. Deep down, I knew Dad wouldn't be a problem, but I also trusted that he wouldn't put me or my brothers in harm's way. I asked him if Dad ever sexually abused him or Jason. He shook his head and said. "No, that it was Shawn, and them, and they would force him and Jason to do unspeakable disgusting things. Like forcing their penises in their mouth and having them suck on it. Unlike Mom and our sisters when they are doing it, that there is a big difference, and it is hard to explain. Other than feelings of hate and degrading. The other difference was they would make them swallow their pee, and force their penises up their butts taking turns with their friends as they cry begging them to stop.
"Initially, it hurt a lot, similar to the hospital test. However, the pain gradually subsided, possibly because we were finally stopped fighting it, as they told us. God's message conveyed that boys could partake in this act since they couldn't bear children, making it more convenient for them to engage in sexual activities with girls and feel the true affection among males.
"When we said no and tried to run away, they would hold us down and forcefully remove our clothes. We were forced to watch as they did the same, drawing straws to determine who would go first. We told them we were going to tell Mom and Dad about it, but they laughed, and they kept doing it anyway. Telling us Mom and Dad couldn't and wouldn't stop them. They believed they were just stimulating us like Mom and our sisters were doing. They warned us not to tell them or else we would pay for it, and they would kill us in our sleep. The situation worsened when Shawn's and Danny's friends spent the night or when Mom and Dad weren't home. During those times, they would do it more often, taking turns, and it started happening more frequently.
"When I approached Bishop Crawford, he questioned why I was preventing them from doing it, accused me of acting like a big baby, and claimed to have already given them permission. Telling Mom and Dad it was ok that we did it. He suggested that Jason, I, and himself should do it. He also offered to introduce us to more boys in the ward, hoping to create something special for every boy and their fathers to share. He believes that porn and sex are not bad at all, but good. He also said that drugs can help us feel good about ourselves and that God wouldn't allow them if they were wrong. He said his role as bishop is to bring about change, rather than holding onto old ideas that serve no one."
My stomach felt nauseous listening to what they had done. I told him I would never do that to him, he hugged me so tight and cried in my arms. Telling me that he loved me more than Shawn and Shane; I cringed asking if Shane ever did anything to him, fearing the answer. He shook his head not telling me he was the one that told him to go to Mom and Dad. I knew in my heart that Shane wouldn't, but it made me feel relieved knowing that he hadn't. I also wondered what other dark secrets I didn't know about. I hated Bishop Crawford, even more so for what he was doing and had done to our family and others like us. Yet right now there was very little I could do about it being so far away.
I needed Dad, I needed Mom. I asked Jared fearing the answer if he ever told Mom and Dad or Shane what Bishop Crawford said. He shook his head no that they most likely wouldn't believe him. I asked if I could, and he hugged me tight nodding that they would believe me over him or Jason. Somehow, I didn't think so, but if that was the case I would tell it to the people that would.