Periplaneta

One day, I woke up on a Sunday Afternoon, it was 2:00 pm. I had woken up late again. I was alone in my room, as always. I lifted the curtains, it was a rainy day, the Sun was hidden by the clouds. I entered the balcony and looked down from it. The first thing I saw were two couples walking in the road. They were passing by, while holding hands, looking happy. I couldn't help but feel envious. They had what I didn't. They had what I desired. I wanted to hold someone's hand as well. I wanted to have someone to love as well, but I couldn't have it. Afterall I was a shut-in. Someone who wastes his life away. Someone who doesn't attend school and doesn't have friends or girlfriends. Someone who gives up on life and lives on his parents' money. Why must i then feel envious over a couple when I have given up on life itself? Surely it means giving up on relationships as well. I went back inside to brush my teeth. I had an exhausted look on my eyes. I looked exhausted before even starting the day. While brushing my teeth, i looked at myself in the mirror. "I look so ugly, why would anyone like me?", i thought to myself. I then go downstairs to eat breakfast. Mother had already prepared the breakfast like she always does. She asked me to sit with her but I didn't say anything and just took the breakfast back to my room. I turned my phone on and started using social media while eating my food. I saw posts of couples sharing deep and intimate moments with each other, posts of friends hanging out and having fun, posts of families going on vacations and enjoying their lives, posts of people doing all sorts of stuff together and being happy. Every post showed that people had a deep connection with each other and had a better life than I do. Every post filled me with a deep sense of envy and loneliness. I had never felt so jealous so before. Every post made me feel left out and miserable. Every post made me wish I had what they did. Every post made me go down a spiral of self-pity and despair. I decided to keep scrolling but more and more of these types of posts kept getting recommended to me. After a while i got annoyed and threw my phone away in frustration. I then lied down on the bed and just looked at the ceiling. "Why is my life like this?", "why can't I have friends and girlfriends?", "why can't I do all those that those other people do?", "why do I always push people away?". I thought to myself. I then sighed feeling that all these thoughts are useless. I had given up on life. Surely it meant giving up on relationships as well. After that I fell asleep again. I woke up in evening, feeling sweaty and miserable. I hadn't taken a bath because I slept. I go to take a bath. I stand below the shower and turn it on. I let the water fall on my body. As I feel the cold water on my body, I think to myself. "Maybe I should go outside, it's been a long time since I have been to a restaurant". I decide to go out, after three months. I walk on the streets, all alone, with many people passing by me. It was fully raining now. I look at the people around me and think "so many people". Their noises all irritate me. Their presence only adds to my loneliness. As I walk, I see multiple couples passing by me, groups of friends passing by me, groups of girls passing by me, all adding more and more to my loneliness. The couples are all holding hands, the friends all laughing together about something one of them said, the group of girls laughing and giggling about something, i can't help but feel left out and invisible. I reach the restaurant. I sit on a table by the window and order coffee. The restaurant was filled with friends and couples, so I just looked outside. As I looked outside, I see what? Couples passing by again, friends passing by again, it started to make me feel frustrated. It felt like I can't escape my loneliness no matter where I go. As long as other people exist I will feel lonely. "Why do they not look at me?", "why do they not notice me?", "Do I not exist to them?", "Do they think they are too good to talk to me?", "am I insignificant" i thought to myself. I then sighed and pushed those thoughts aside again. "Ofcourse they don't notice me or speak with me", "They have nothing to do with me", "we are complete strangers after all", "we don't know each other", "And even if I tried to be friends with them they would get bored as I had nothing to offer", "my personality was bland, I had no interest in anything, they would get annoyed and then leave". I was so lost in my thoughts, I didn't realise I had stared at a group of girls for too long. As I came back to my senses and realised I had unintentionally stared at them i quickly averted my gaze. They looked uncomfortable and started whispering something to each other. "That guy is staring at us!", "we must be vary of him", "must be some creep". It made me feel even more humiliated. "They must be thinking I am weird and creepy" i thought to myself. I then go outside the restaurant and smoke. I notice a guy approaching me. He was the boyfriend of one of the girls I was staring at. He was quite tall and muscular. I knew I had invited trouble. After all, guys feel the need to be protective towards their girlfriends. "Were you looking at my girl?" He asked me while towering over me. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to, I just zoned out". I reply. He didn't look convinced. He got angry and beat me up. Every punch of his made me regret coming outside, to the restaurant. I came out after 3 months and this is how it went. After he was done, he left me alone, beaten and bruised. I slowly got up and started walking to my house. This time the streets were empty. It was nighttime now. I walked home with noone around me. I hadn't ever felt more lonely. I reached home and went straight to my room. I fell to my bed, feeling extremely tired, both physically and mentally. I looked up at the ceiling again. I thought to myself, "i should've just stayed at home, it was a mistake to think I could go outside and interact with others. I will never go out again, not after this", the incident at the restaurant had left me broken. I kept laying on my bed regretting over the incident and wondering if I should ever even try having any relationships with anyone whatsover as the rain outside had gotten even worse. Noone was in the room with me, and then I noticed, a cockroach? "Why is there a cockroach in my room?", i kept looking at it, observing its movements. It was the only company I had in my empty room. It kept getting closer to me which made me feel a little scared. It was a hideous creature. It looked like it was trying to communicate with me. It was trying to say something. "You feel lonely, don't you?" The cockroach made a remark about my loneliness. My eyes widen, "did a cockroach just speak?", "is this cockroach trying to replicate human emotion? No it must be a dream, I'm just tired, i must be hallucinating", I ignored the cockroach believing it to just be making some weird noises. After all it was a cockroach. How could a cockroach understand human beings? How could it feel my loneliness? I thought. So I kept ignoring the cockroach. But it was persistent, it kept pestering me, trying to get answers out of me. "Hey respond to me. We are speaking the same language, aren't we? Do I not exist for you? My name is Krishnamrit. I have been observing you, I feel lonely, you feel so too, don't you?". I didn't reply. I didn't say anything. I was shocked. I couldn't believe that a cockroach would be able to speak like a human. After all, it was an insect, they don't have the same level of consciousness as humans do. I kept ignoring the cockroach despite its constant efforts to act like a human being. I didn't know why I ignored it. Perhaps I was a human and was too superior to speak to an insignificant cockroach? Perhaps I was annoyed by the cockroach's constant questioning and wanted it to shut up? Perhaps I was afraid of the cockroach understanding something about the human condition? Perhaps I was afraid of the cockroach understanding something about me? which frightened me. Something it shouldn't be capable of. Perhaps I felt that the cockroach couldn't possibly understand the loneliness I feel? After all, my emotions are because of my own unique experiences. How could someone else, especially a cockroach be able to understand me? Even if I spoke with the cockroach it would be useless. It wouldn't understand the void in my heart and I will continue to feel lonely. Even if it provides company to me i would be stuck in my own mental prison unable for it to reach the depths of my heart. It couldn't possibly understand what I've been through, especially a cockroach like him. If other humans can't, how can a cockroach possibly understand anything? So, I decided to keep ignoring the cockroach despite its stubbornness. After all I had given up on life, surely it meant giving up on relationships as well. The cockroach got annoyed by me constantly ignoring it and replied in anger, "Why do you humans always ignore me? Is it because I am a cockroach? Because I am hideous? Do I not exist for you? Am I insignificant? You don't know how I feel, you don't understand my loneliness. You don't know what it feels like to not be able to tell people that I can understand human emotion, that I can relate with humans, that I am capable of understanding, that i can feel like humans do. You don't know how lonely it feels when humans simply walk past me, even when I try to speak with them, they don't understand me, they don't believe me, because I'm a cockroach, even worse they try to crush me with their feet, I have to worry about my life everytime I encounter a human, if your life is terrible, MINE IS FAR WORSE, you can't possibly understand, after all, you're a human". The cockroach bursted out in anger and left. I was shocked. How could the cockroach feel exactly how I felt. The cockroach and I are from different species. We are completely different life forms. I am a human and he is a cockroach, it didn't make sense to me, yet it felt something awfully similar to me. It felt like I could understand exactly how it feels. As I realised it left, i muttered "w-wait", I wanted to speak with it. I wanted to understand it. I wanted to listen to what it has to say. Did I push someone away again? Even if it was a cockroach, this was a relationship I didn't want to give up on. The cockroach understood me. It was the only thing I could relate to. But I couldn't do anything as the cockroach had left in anger that I treated it so coldly, in disappointment that it's hopes of connecting with me were shattered, in hurt that he again failed to make someone understand him, it left, never to be seen. The rain had now taken the form of a thunderstorm.