She looked at Ethan, her thoughts running quicker than her heart was pounding. The words she had not uttered all those years—words that stuck in her throat, remaining there for so long—seemed impossible to say now. She didn't know whether it was fear, uncertainty, or the nagging feeling that this moment might change everything or break everything. She could see the genuine interest in his eyes, the same friendly attitude that had always been there, but now something else: an opening, a possibility.
She caught her breath in her throat; she didn't know if she could do this. Truth hung there between them, and for the split second, it was as if the world held its breath, everything condensed into this one fragile moment: the sweat on her palms and the knot in her stomach.
Ethan looked down at the earth, seeming to feel the hesitation. His voice was softer when he again spoke, almost as though he was having second thoughts. "It's no big deal, really. I just thought… you know, it could be nice to get to know each other outside of work. If you're not busy, of course.
Lena swallowed hard. She wanted to say yes, agree, take the chance. But how could she? How could she agree to hang out knowing that her feelings toward him went so much deeper than what he was offering? She wasn't even sure she could stomach another evening with him, pretending everything was okay when her heart was breaking in silence.
She tried to push the doubts aside. Maybe this was her chance to finally bridge the gap. Maybe this was the opening she had been waiting for. "Yeah," she said, her voice quieter than she intended. "That sounds nice. I'm not busy."
The relief in Ethan's eyes was immediate, and Lena immediately regretted not offering a more enthusiastic response. But she couldn't bring herself to fake excitement. She wanted to be honest with him, but she didn't know how.
"Great," he said, his smile widening. "How about Saturday? I know this place nearby—nothing fancy, just a bar with good music. I thought we could check it out."
Saturday works," Lena replied, nodding. She managed to force a smile, though it felt like a mask. Her mind was already a whirlwind of thoughts, each one more chaotic than the last. What was I thinking? I just agreed to spend time with him. But what if he's just being polite? What if this is just another attempt to fill the space between us with meaningless conversation?
She detested herself for overthinking it, but she could not stop. The fact of the matter was that she didn't know what to expect from this invitation, but she was sure it was not what she wanted. Could she handle it? Could she survive being close to him without letting him know the depth of her feelings?
The conversation ended pretty soon after that, with Ethan waving at her as he walked out of the office building. He seemed to not notice the storm raging inside her. He didn't seem to understand how much this one simple gesture meant to her.
But then again, he couldn't. He couldn't know what it was like to love someone without them knowing, to carry the weight of feelings that were never returned. He couldn't understand the fear that gripped her chest every time she saw him, the ache that never seemed to go away.
That night, Lena barely slept. She tossed and turned, the impending Saturday night hanging over her like a cloud. Was this a turning point, or just another dead end? She had to decide what to do. She could go, spend a couple of hours with him, and then retreat back into the comfort of her solitude. Or she could back out, pretend it never happened, and keep her feelings locked away, just as she always had.
When Saturday evening finally came along, Lena was standing before the mirror not knowing what she should wear. She wanted it casual but not sloppy at all. She wanted her appearance to say confident about everything, yet every action of hers felt like practice. She finally settled for a plain simple dress; it was a sure thing and always did feel comfortable. Yet in this mirror image, it would not do.
What if this is a mistake? she thought, adjusting the strap of her dress. What if I can't handle it?
But the idea of running away seemed impossible. The invitation, the prospect of getting to know Ethan better, was like the last thin string of hope in an otherwise long, lonely tunnel. If she let this one go, if she ran away from it now, she would regret it forever. She did not want to be the person who never takes chances, who lets opportunity slide by without ever taking them.
She took a deep breath and grabbed her bag. No turning back now.
The bar was only a few blocks from her apartment, so she walked to it, each step growing her more anxious, more uncertain. The night air was crisp, with distant chatter and music drifting through the streets. When she entered the bar, she immediately spotted Ethan. He was sitting at a small table near the back, a drink already in front of him. He waved when he saw her, his face lighting up as she approached.
"Hey! You made it," he said, his voice cheerful, almost like they were long-time friends rather than colleagues who had just begun to talk outside of work.
Lena tried to force a smile, sliding into the seat across from him. "Yeah, I didn't think I'd be able to make it, but here I am."
"It's been good to see you at work, but I feel like we never really get to know each other. You know, like outside of the office," Ethan replied.
Lena nodded, trying to keep the conversation casual, trying to ignore the flutter of nerves in her stomach. She didn't know how to act, how to be around him without letting her emotions take control. The last thing she wanted was for him to know how much she cared, how much she had been hoping for something more than a casual hangout.
They started discussing work, but the conversation became more personal as the evening wore on. They talked about hobbies, favorite music, past vacations, and dreams for the future. Ethan was open, easy to talk to, and every so often, he would glance at her with that warm, friendly smile. It was familiar, yet it made her heart ache in a way that felt almost unbearable.
Lena tried to keep the conversation light and easy, but with each word he said, there was a small betrayal of her repressed feelings. He speaks about his relationships, the past, and future; there is nothing on hers. Not even a slight hint that he sees her any differently than as a friend, but it stings more than she had thought possible.
So, what about you?" Ethan asked, leaning back in his chair, a curious glint in his eye. "What's your idea of a perfect weekend?"
Lena hesitated, her mind racing. Do I tell him? Do I let him know that I've been dreaming of something more? But before she could respond, the words caught in her throat.
"I don't know," she said softly, offering a smile she didn't feel. "Maybe just a quiet weekend, some time to myself. I've always enjoyed having space to think."
Ethan nodded, and they fell into a comfortable silence. But to Lena, the silence felt heavy, as if the distance between them had grown wider than ever.
And in that moment, she realized something. She did not want to be only a friend. She did not want to settle for the little moments that came and went. She wanted more. But more was not something she could force. More was not something he had ever promised.
The night dragged on, and when it ended, Lena found herself walking home with a sense of finality. She had made her choice. She had opened herself up to him in ways she hadn't expected, but in the end, she was no closer to what she wanted. And as much as it hurts, she knew she must let go. Letting go might just be the hardest thing she has ever done, but it was the only way forward.
For now, at least.