Mummy Dearest

When I was five, my mom left us. I never really knew why, never really thought about it. My dad and elder sister were always there for me though, and I also had friends who had lost either of their parents, so I didn't necessarily think it's strange. Although, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious about where she went or why she left. I'd remember those times I'd cry myself to sleep because I missed her. I missed how she hugged me, how she held me in her arms when she was sad, or how she would tease me about the way I speak. My mom had been my everything, she was the only person I wanted to tell all my secrets to in the world, but I guess those were just the feelings of a child too young and naive. I would stay up late at night waiting for her, because my relatives had told me that she would return and that she loved me and never abandoned me. I guess she is just another myth like Santa and the easter bunny. 

As I grew older, I started to see things in a new light. I started being my own person, and not a gullible child who would believe everything the elders would tell her. I started knowing what it meant to grow up? *I was not even sure anymore* Until I was in grade 7, I didn't realise that missing one's parents wasn't a normal thing or something to be proud of. Then I started losing and gaining new friends, things started changing. I became more insecure of myself and I started talking back to elders and being disrespectful. I wasn't sure where that little, obedient, respectful, and confident girl had gone. I guess you could say puberty hit me hard. 

Though none of this was what made me realise something was wrong. I began to notice something was wrong when I was in eighth grade, I was talking to my friends about how my father and sister had raised me all on their own, and about how my mom left me at a young age. I said I could hardly even remember what she looked like, and one of the other girls in class heard me. She walked up to our table and told me that she didn't think that not having one of your parents was a good thing, and that there were others out there in the world who'd love to at least meet their other parents again. I'm pretty sure she meant no harm by it, and was worried about me and was just stating her own opinion, but, I couldn't help but feel something move in me. Of course, I didn't tell the girl off or anything, I simply sat in my seat quietly for the rest of the day. Now that I think back on it, I'm pretty sure I kept thinking about what she said for another one or two weeks. I wanted to go talk to my dad and sister, but I knew… I knew they would just say the same thing they've been saying for years, and that was that she would return, if not now then soon enough. I was tired of hearing the same old thing over and over again. 

Then I decided to go on a journey of my own, I stopped asking relatives about her. This caused my family to worry, they asked if I was okay since I had "suddenly" stopped asking about her. I guessed they assumed that I stopped caring, and honestly I really wish that were true… but it wasn't. I simply told them that I had grown up, and that if I kept whining about her it would make me seem like an elementary school student, and besides, I was now in grade ten. Of course dad wasn't convinced, but there was nothing he could do since it would mean he had to talk about why she left, and he definitely didn't want to do that. 

By the end of grade 12, I had already had my own car, had a job, and I was basically halfway to independence. It also meant it had been two years since I had asked about her. Honestly, I had also thought I might have forgotten her, but no, like I said previously I was on a journey, and this journey is finding out what really happened to her. Graduation comes and I see all these students with both parents, taking pictures, laughing, making fun of eachother, and basically having the best time of their lives. I can't say I wasn't also happy, because it meant we were now grown ups, all those years of highschool taught us about friendship, the things that kept us going despite the unending piles of homework, tests, exams and teachers and boys…just boys *sigh*, but this didn't mean our journey had come to an end, it just meant that a bigger door had been opened to us, and that was College and University.

After all the Graduation speeches, and giving out the certificates, it was finally time to go home. The drive home was silent, I mean it literally felt like we were a portable graveyard, not gonna lie it felt quite weird to be this solemn on my graduation day. I didn't want to be suffocated so I broke the ice. I told my dad that I was going to stay over at my Aunt Lily's place, which was literally a 7 to 8 hour drive from our current city. Sure enough he wasn't pleased to hear this, much less when it was the day that signified that I was now independent. He didn't say a thing, but I could tell from his expression in the rearview mirror that he wasn't happy, and the car went back to its freezing point, as I just sat there like a doll. When we got home my dad finally replied to me, he said he wouldn't let me go and gave no reason at all. I was mad, but I couldn't show it… at least not yet. 

I decided to wait for three more months before I would ask again, but when the time came, I didn't have to bother myself much, cause my dad himself volunteered to take me there. I was kinda surprised, but an opportunity arose so there was no way I would turn it down. Then we set out on the journey and went to Aunt Lily's place. When we arrived it was already late at night, so we said we will do all the greetings after we slept and had a good night's rest. By the time I woke up the next morning, it was already eleven. I went down to see my aunt when I heard her and my dad talking. They were speaking in hushed tones so I couldn't really make out everything they said, but there was one thing they said that stood out to me and that was my mothers name. I didn't go to them and just waited till they finished talking, and when they were done, I found out my dad wasn't staying here, he had only come to drop me off and had a business trip to go for. He left his car at my aunts so I could use it to go around if I wanted to, and my aunt dropped him off at the airport that same day. When she got back we talked for a few hours and tried to catch up on a lot of things. Among all my aunts and uncles she was one of the people I was very close to, in fact she was like a mother figure to me. We spent quite a few more days having fun and hanging around, she took me shopping, sightseeing, we even watched a movie together, we baked and … well that was a disaster. 

A few weeks into doing all these fun things, I finally decided to ask my aunt what I had initially come here for. We sat in the living room, and I finally decided to get the answer that's been hidden for so long. I asked her what happened to my mom, where she was, or at least how she was. I honestly tried to hold myself back but I couldn't control my tears, my aunt looked at me painfully, and empathetically. She let me sob for a few more minutes, and when I was done she handed me a tissue. She looked at me and asked what I really wanted to know about my mother. I responded with everything. 

Aunt Lily, told me everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. I didn't know whether to burst into tears or laughter, I honestly felt conflicted at that moment, it felt like all those years of wanting to know the truth was a waste, a complete waste. Why, didn't they just tell me, I get the fact that I might have been too young to understand, but what about when I turned sixteen, was it hard then as well? My aunt said it was hard for my dad to talk about it, and that my sister was trying her best to aid him with everything that came after. Aunt Lily said we could go visit her, and asked if I would be okay with it, and I said yes, I didn't think twice to know I wanted to see her and…feel her. 

It was a thirty minute drive to where my mom was. When we got there it was a nice looking place, it looked like a hospital and the only difference was that the parking lot was half empty. When we went in, the nurses immediately knew who we were here for, I suppose my aunt had come more than enough times for that to be possible. As we walked down a long hall, I could see all these doctors and nurses attending to patients. Though, these patients weren't your typical patients, as some behaved in a weird way. They would cling to the wall or even talk to themselves like they were tv hosts. Some even ran past us and the nurses were chasing after them. It had an eerie feeling, but at the same time it was calm for an Institute of its sorts. We walked for what seemed like an eternity, and as we passed more rooms, it felt like I was in a labyrinth, and at one point I began to notice that there were no sharp objects on sight, even the shoes of nurses and doctors had no laces on them, there were no curtains, and even the blinds were weird. We had already entered another building. We were taken to a room, it was all white, and looked cushioned. There were only four chairs and a round table in this room, there were security cameras in there, and it felt like our every move was being monitored. A woman who looked like she was in her mid-forties sat on the opposite side of the table. I think she was my mom. When our eyes met, she broke down, crying. I don't know why but, when I saw her crying, I couldn't help but feel the same. My aunt immediately helped her wipe her tears and consoled her, and then she ushered me over. Every step I took felt like there was a heavy stone on my feet, by the time I got to them, she introduced us. I didn't think that was necessary, but with our many years apart it felt necessary. I sat down beside her as she held onto my hands, my aunt decided to give us some space and she left the room. My mom and I talked for about 2 hours, it was mostly me talking, but that was good enough for me. When it was time for me to leave, I felt strange. I didn't want to but… well I guess we still had more opportunities to meet now that I knew where she was. 

When I got in the car, aunt Lily asked how it felt. I said it was okay, and that I was relieved to finally know. As we were driving home I looked out the window and I said "I guess the loss of two children in one month really took a toll on her". 

She replied with "It did".