The sound of the whistling kettle startled me awake. Felicia must be around and cleaning already. Wasn't it too early for her to be here? I love the solitude, I love being by myself nowadays but the house still needs to be cleaned since I can't seem to muster the energy to do anything. It's been a month and I still haven't come to terms with what happened. How does one even do that? Accepting something like that seemed impossible.
Outside, the early morning light filtered through the curtains, reflecting off the tiled floor. I lazily got out of bed looking forward to some of that tea Felicia was making. I stared at his side of the bed, the emptiness hitting me all over again like a ton of bricks but aimed at my heart. I picked my robe off the armchair and wrapped it around my body, making my way out of the room.
I passed by his picture hanging on the dresser without taking a look at it. What good would that do? He wasn't coming back. I headed into the kitchen and just as I expected, there was a cup of hot tea on the island. God bless that woman but where the hell is she. The house seemed so quiet which was unusual because you could hear Felicia cleaning from two streets away.
I sat at the kitchen table cradling my cup of tea and I looked at the empty chair opposite mine. It had been empty for exactly a month and a day. I had counted the days since Will passed each one not getting any easier. Yesterday felt heavier than I had expected, a weight settled in my heart and I felt guilty for even breathing. How could I go on when I had once told him I couldn't live without him? I wasn't sure what to do with the day so I visited the cemetery but something weird had happened there which made me freak out and I had to leave earlier than I had planned. I stared at the tea and I could remember vividly our morning routine.
The thought of the moments we shared brought a fleeting smile to my lips. The house was still too quiet, so quiet I could hear the faint hum of the refrigerator. I finished my tea, ran my hands through my hair and thought of visiting Will again today. I could get him some more flowers, talk to him for a few hours and tell him how much I miss him. It sounded ridiculous to spend hours talking to a gravestone but honestly, I didn't care. Just like when he was alive, we always had something to talk about. He was my gossip partner, we gossiped about everyone in our circle; the good, the bad and the ugly.
I stood up from the table and wandered through the house looking for Felicia while avoiding items that reminded me of him to keep myself from crying. I avoided the mantelpiece in the living room which housed our wedding pictures; my favourite was the one where he stood tall and smiling, his arm draped over mine protectively like he would protect me forever.
I felt tears welling in my eyes and as I held on to the door frame to keep my emotions in, something shifted in the air. It was faint, so faint I thought I was imagining it. a scent, a very familiar one, one I had lived with for a decade drifted through the air.
It was Will's body spray.
I froze. My breath caught in my throat as I inhaled deeply, trying to confirm what I was sensing. It can't be Felicia messing with his things because I had banned her from entering my bedroom since Will died and besides there was something distinct about his smell, it had the mix of mint and cigarettes. It wasn't just a memory; it was there, unmistakable.
The room remained deathly silent. I shook my head, rubbing my arms and hugging myself. 'Get a grip, Janet.' As I turned to leave the room, the faint sound of music stopped me in my tracks. It was soft at first, my head whipped in its direction. It was coming from the bedroom. My heart clenched. It was our song. The song we used to play on our house dates, while I was making dinner and he was setting the table with the flowers he had brought me earlier in the day from work. We both had no idea what the song meant, it was French, and the only phrase we understood was 'je'taime' and that was enough for us.
I ran into our bedroom, my eyes locking on to my phone. An alarm notification flashed on the screen, a work meeting I had scheduled for tomorrow but there was no way I would have used our song as an alarm ring tone. I had no memory of even choosing any specific sound for the alarm.
My knees felt weak as I picked it up and let it play. The air around me seemed heavier, charged with an energy I couldn't explain. I couldn't hold back the tears anymore, I placed a hand on my chest and allowed myself cry. The memories that came with the song were too much for me to handle. The music ended and the room fell silent again, with the tears clouding my eyes, I thought I saw a shadow in the corner of the room.
"Will?" his name was out of my mouth before I could think about how stupid that sounded. I couldn't determine if it was wishful thinking or I was finally losing my mind from grief. I wiped the tears on my face and looked in the corner again but there was nothing. I placed my phone back on the bed, turned on the lights in the house and walked back in the kitchen. I looked on the Island and saw that my tea cup wasn't there anymore; instead it was rinsed and left to drain on the sink. Then I suddenly remembered
Felicia didn't work on Sundays.