In a swift motion after hearing the rumble of thunder, Ikki grabbed the edges of the blanket, covering his head.
He had been in bed for quite a while. He had lost count of how many times he tried to fall back asleep and couldn't. He reached out and fumbled for the cold wooden shelf until he grabbed his cell phone.
His cell phone felt frozen, and he could barely feel the tips of his fingers when he touched it.
He dragged the phone under the covers and turned it on.
The light from the device suddenly blinded him, and he squinted his eyes, staring at the time.
5 PM.
After a long yawn, Ikki threw the covers aside and sat up in bed while rubbing his eye with the back of his right hand.
His body felt heavy, as if his bed had grown roots pulling him down. Struggling against his solid will to go back to sleep, Ikki rose slowly, breaking the invisible roots around his slender body.
He walked in his room, tripping over mountains of clothes spread across the floor next to plastic bags full of trash.
His room was such a mess that a house after a hurricane would seem more organized. He fumbled along the wall, even colder than his phone, and found the light switch.
His room was in complete chaos. There were mangas and comics scattered on the floor, along with empty snack and cookie packages. In the background, his computer sat alongside several empty energy drink cans spread across the desk.
Some cans were half full, and others were half empty.
To make matters worse, the smell was horrible.
His neighbors had already complained about the stench invading their kitchens, but he didn't care.
Nothing mattered to him at that point.
Ikki hesitated a moment before touching the doorknob, but soon after he slowly opened the door with a creaking sound and moved into the hallway leading to the kitchen.
His slow steps were muffled by his thick socks, which kept his feet from freezing.
He reached the refrigerator and opened it slowly.
He stood there for a few seconds, enchanted by its contents. His eyes scanned more energy drinks, alcoholic beverages, and sweets until he grabbed a bottle of milk from the bottom.
He brought the milk carton close to his ear and shook it.
Shrugging, he brought the carton to his mouth.
There wasn't much milk left, so Ikki threw the empty carton into the trash can next to the refrigerator, which was almost overflowing.
Ikki's mess attracted mosquitoes, cockroaches, and rats, but he didn't care.
His kitchen faced the living room, so as he turned his head, he looked down at the floor by the door and saw some letters scattered across the carpet.
"Did someone write to me?" he thought, slowly stepping toward the letters.
He didn't want to go, for deep down he knew the answer.
Ikki crouched on the carpet and picked up the first piece of mail.
It was a letter from the bank to which he owed a significant amount of money. He had taken out a loan to start a business that collapsed in weeks.
Shrugging, he tossed the letter aside.
He opened another, which was another collection notice, this time one of the numerous credit card debts he had.
He tossed it aside as well and continued this rhythm for a few minutes until one letter in particular caught his attention.
[Harvard University].
The moment he laid his eyes on the sender, a lightning bolt crossed the sky, bringing a tremendous flash accompanied by a deafening crash.
He swallowed hard, and dozens of thoughts raced through his head. Even though he didn't care about anything, this letter was different.
Ikki held the letter in trembling hands, staring at it for a moment before allowing himself to open it.
The envelope felt as heavy as his heart at that moment. When he finally decided, he slid his finger along the seal and broke it with a muffled sound. The paper that came out seemed to carry the weight of the world.
With his eyes fixed on the words, he began to read, almost as if hypnotized by the paper. Each sentence felt like a knife to the heart, a new blow that made his anxiety rise with each second.
His breathing got heavy, almost impossible, and he felt dizzy, as if the air was being sucked out of his lungs.
When he finished reading, his body felt heavier, as if a ton of stone had been placed on his back.
He murmured to himself, with a mix of sadness and despair: "Rejected again, what a surprise…" before wrapping the letter in his trembling hands.
Before standing up, Ikki gathered the letters into a pile and tossed them into the kitchen trash, forcing them in with his foot.
Ikki was tired of dealing with the real-life frustrations, so he sought comfort in a virtual world. There he felt stronger, more powerful, and capable of controlling his own destiny in a world where the rules were defined by him, not by others.
As he played, his mind disconnected from reality and focused solely on the thrill of the game.
He went to his room, turned off the lights, and pressed the CPU button with his big toe, sitting in his cushioned chair and pushing the energy drink cans aside with one hand, letting them fall across the floor of the room.
The blue glow of the computer screen illuminated the space.
"Alright, time to relax!" He put on his headset and, as usual, logged into an online game where he wasted a good part of his time.
It was Ikki's moment to dive into his own reality, surrounded by fast food containers, energy drinks, and the sound of mouse clicks.
[...]
He got lost in the game, forgetting the time and the obligations he had in real life.
However, even immersed in his virtual world, there was a sense of emptiness that accompanied him. A feeling that, no matter how hard he tried, he would never be able to reach full happiness and personal fulfillment.
Still, he kept playing, trying to find a purpose for his existence in a world that seemed increasingly empty and meaningless.
While playing, he received a notification.
As soon as he opened it, he saw that one of his friends was inviting him to a call, which he ended up accepting.
"Ikki?!" said one of his friends, "I was waiting for you to tell you the news!"
Curious, Ikki squinted his eyes, thinking that the moderators had added a new event to the game.
"What's the news? A weekend event?"
"It's not that; you know your ex-fiancée?"
"The one who used to play with us?" asked another friend who was on the call.
"That's the one, so I decided to stalk her and found out she's getting married to some rich guy!"
Ikki pursed his lips and swallowed hard. It hadn't even been two months since they broke up.
"And so?... " He asked, "Life goes on. I'm not going to cry over a failed relationship…"
"But it's strange for her to get married so quickly…" commented the friend, "She's probably been cheating on you; you know, women never leave a guy without having another one lined up…"
"But are we going to play or not?" Ikki asked, somewhat irritated.
His friends noticed that he didn't want to touch on the subject; fortunately, one of them said, "Of course we are…"
They played a few games, but Ikki wasn't feeling well; nothing in his life was going as he wanted.
He had never stopped trying to change; he just decreased the frequency of how he dealt with his problems, often leaving them there, gathering dust.
"I'm sleepy, guys…" said Ikki, pretending to yawn, "I think I'm going to sleep…"
"Sleep? But you just got here…"
"Let him be, I bet he's going to cry over his ex-fiancée, haha…"
"Cry?…" Ikki scoffed with a slight smile, "As if one of the strongest mages in the game cries; see you!"
He left the voice chat and pulled his headset off aggressively, throwing it on the table and letting out a long sigh.
He slowly stood up from the chair and walked straight to the bathroom on the other side of the room. He turned on the light and leaned both hands on the sink while looking at himself in the mirror.
All he saw was failure, the face of a man who needed a long night's sleep and a decent lunch.
"Damn life…" Ikki murmured, letting out a sigh.
He had skin as white as snow; his hair was always messy and of a gleaming black. His eyes were a unique shade, describing them as sapphire blue wouldn't be wrong; they had a shine that had lately been missing…
Ikki turned on the tap and watched the water go down the drain.
Various things crossed his confused mind.
He cupped his hands and splashed his face, watching himself in the mirror as the water dripped aggressively down into the sink.
Turning off the faucet, Ikki picked up the towel hanging on a hook behind him and dried his face, returning the towel to its place.
He returned to the room and placed his hands on his hips, surveying the big mess.
"I need to clean this, but not now."
The rain had decreased drastically, taking the storm with it. The country he lived in was going through a powerful pandemic wave. Ikki had never been one to go out much, but his brief walks helped clear his mind when it got cluttered.
"I think I need to take a walk."
Fearing being strangled by his thoughts, Ikki went to the living room and slipped on his black Converse that were on the mat in front of the door.
He put on his coat and grabbed the umbrella next to the door.
He shoved his hands into his coat pocket and pulled out a surgical mask, putting it on afterward.
He sighed before turning the doorknob and took his first step outside. He opened his long black umbrella and walked on at a slow pace.
As he walked, the cold wind blew on his face and swayed the trees, causing the leaves to fall like autumn rain.
The raindrops gathered on the surface of the umbrella, forming small puddles that rocked from side to side with every step he took.
He felt a sense of peace enveloping his body as he looked around and noticed the solitude of the city.
Ikki went to the square he used to visit, located close to his home. Sometimes he would sit there and plan how he would get out from the bottom of the pit he found himself in.
Deep down, he knew he wouldn't carry out his fanciful plans; he just liked to imagine, to escape to anywhere that would take him away from that disappointing reality.
Since he was fired from his job as an administrative assistant, he found himself lost in a chaotic world. Shortly after that, his mother passed away and his ex-fiancée left him, all in a short span of time.
He found himself all alone, completely abandoned by everything and everyone. Life had delivered a brutal punch to his stomach, and he was writhing on the cold ground, with no one to turn to.
His eyes were fixed on his feet, then he raised his head and saw someone approaching.
"Ikki?" called a female voice.
He looked up and squinted, trying to remember who it was.
"Hi…" Finally, he remembered, "Chinatsu?"
She nodded.
Chinatsu was a high school friend Ikki hadn't seen in years. She had moved from another city to his at that time, and he was one of the only ones who got close enough to be called a friend. She had a youthful appearance, with short shaggy brown hair that reached her shoulders. Her legs were covered by black tights that accentuated her silhouette, and her feet were in a pair of red Converse. She wore a knee-length brown skirt that matched with a wool plaid coat that highlighted her slim waist. Her brown eyes were bright and expressive, and her mouth was painted with a vibrant red lipstick that contrasted with her fair skin. On her right shoulder, she carried a brown leather bag with golden details, matching her earrings and watch.
"How long has it been?…" she asked excitedly, sitting down beside him.
Ikki thought but couldn't find an exact answer.
"It's been a few years, I think…"
"I heard about your mom; I'm sorry…"
"Yeah… me too."
Silence aggressively invaded their conversation.
Chinatsu wasn't the type of friend he usually confided in about secrets and dreams, even though during their school years they only had each other's company.
"I still wear it…" she said, holding a pendant from around her neck.
Ikki had given it to her as a gift, unpretentiously, the day before Chinatsu moved away.
That was the last time they had seen each other.
Ikki looked at her, staring at the pendant.
"It still looks good on you…"
Silence fell again.
"I heard you were getting married…" she commented so quietly it was barely audible.
"Yeah, I was, but it didn't work out."
Staring into Ikki's empty eyes, Chinatsu swallowed hard. Her friend's eyes looked different, colder than usual. It had been a long time since they last saw each other, and they hadn't even talked on social media, and she felt there was something wrong with him.
"Ikki… is everything okay?"
He glanced at her sideways and smiled.
"Always worrying about me, you never change…"
"It's just that you seem… different…"
He nodded, but didn't provide further details, asking, "What have you been up to since high school?"
Chinatsu looked off into the distance, shook her head, and shrugged.
"Nothing much, I started university, but it's currently closed because of the pandemic wave, but I'll graduate soon."
"That's great!…" Ikki looked at the ring on her right hand, "An engagement ring?"
"Oh, this?" Chinatsu smiled while caressing the ring, "He's an amazing man; I think you two would get along well."
"I'm sure you would…"
Chinatsu's phone rang inside her bag, and she quickly answered.
"Darling, I'm on my way…" she said on the phone, "I just ran into a high school friend and we stopped to chat; I'll be home soon… I love you too."
She returned the phone to her bag and stood up.
"Ikki, I have to go."
He waved his hands.
"It's alright; give your fiancé a hug for me."
She looked at him again and pursed her lips.
"Are you sure everything is okay?"
"Everything's fine, seriously."
"Don't you want my number? You could go out for dinner with me and my fiancé sometime…"
Ikki shook his head.
"Go live your life; you don't need me…"
The rain started again.
Ikki stood up and offered his umbrella.
"Take it, or you'll catch a cold, maybe worse."
"And you'll stay in the rain?"
"Consider it an early wedding gift. It's not much, but I guarantee it's of enviable quality. It's better not to underestimate the bizarre promotions of convenience stores."
Deep down, Chinatsu felt that Ikki was still the same as always. She simply smiled and took the umbrella.
"Are you sure everything will be okay?"
"Geez! Chinatsu, that concern of yours is annoying, you know?" Ikki said, not completely irritated by it.
"Hmm..." she grumbled, looking away.
With his finger, Ikki touched her forehead.
"I'll see you, Chinatsu…"
Ikki turned and pulled the hood of his sweatshirt down over his eyes.
"See you later…" she murmured, watching him walk away.
In a snap, Ikki felt coerced into taking an action he had pondered for a long time. His thoughts were no longer confused, and for the first time, he was clear on what to do.
As he turned the corner, he walked over the deserted intersection heading towards the edge of the bridge. He climbed onto the railing and took a good look down.
The fall was too high, and there was no nearby margin. Ikki had been fit when he attended school, participating in dozens of physical activities, but that was just a shadow of who he used to be.
In his current state, he would surely die of fatigue just trying to reach the bank.
Opening his arms, Ikki felt a light sting from the breeze. He looked at the horizon and saw a beautiful sunset. He decided that this would be his last view, then he closed his eyes, removed his mask, and let the wind carry it away.
He felt like a dead weight, a stain on society.
After everything he had been through, he had become a burden to himself and others.
Every day was a hard battle, filled with inner struggles. He felt like a parasite, draining energy and resources from others without offering anything in return.
There was no space for parasites in the system called society. Ikki knew this, and that was one of the reasons he felt so desperate.
Over time, he clung to the small things, the little pleasures that still managed to bring a bit of joy and comfort to his broken heart. But deep down, he knew he needed to find a greater purpose, something to give him a reason to live and fight, but he was tired of searching for something like that; he just wanted everything to end.
He closed his eyes and let his body fall into the lake.
Splash!
As he sank into that deep lake, many things crossed his mind. He remembered his mother, his ex-fiancée, Chinatsu, and his virtual friends.
Suddenly, like a punch from out of nowhere, he recalled the last conversation he had with his mother.
... ...
She was lying in the hospital bed and looked quite thin. Her hair was shaved, and her eyes were watery. The doctors told her she had only a few weeks to live.
Ikki was sitting in the chair beside her, dozing.
He was disturbed by the light in the room and slowly opened his eyes, staring at his mother in that deplorable state. Ikki could barely contain his tears, but he also carried the main lesson his father had taught him.
"If you show weakness, no matter how small, the world will swallow you whole. Don't be fooled, Ikki; they'll say no, but the world hates weak men."
His mother coughed, and Ikki jumped up. He approached his mother while screaming for a doctor.
"It's alright, dear..." she said in a hoarse voice, looking at her son's face, "Were you fighting again?"
"Oh, that… I… fell."
She knew it was a lie but didn't care.
"The doctors said I don't have much time left, so we better have this conversation soon."
"Wait, Mom, it's better to stay silent to conserve energy…"
"No, Ikki, listen to me, I know I may not have been a good mother, and I've always been somewhat absent because of my illness. Your father is a bit hard on you, but…"
"You and Dad were the best!" he said while holding one of his mother's hands.
Ikki's mother smiled and raised the arm full of tubes to touch her son's face, who was doing everything to not break down into tears.
"My son... I wanted so much for us to have more time; I had so much to tell you, but it's alright... just know that you are more special than you think, so just give time a chance. Don't live too fast worrying about everything; there will always be a tomorrow, another chance to make things better, another chance to start over. It was like this with me and your father; we had to start from scratch twice, but we didn't give up, and I had you, my greatest treasure."
Ikki kissed his mother's hand and nodded.
His mother continued.
"All your father and I wished for was for you to be satisfied with yourself. I hope that in a few years you become someone you will be proud of; after all, you have my blood and your father's blood... you are destined for greatness."
... ...
As if awakened by a slap to the face, Ikki opened his eyes and found himself drowning in a dark lake while bubbles of air escaped from his lips.
Desperate, he tried to surface, but it seemed like something was pulling him down.
He didn't understand this mix of feelings; maybe he didn't want to defy his parents' last wishes, or maybe his will to live was something he couldn't even control himself.
But none of that mattered at the moment. His thoughts were slipping away, and his desperate, almost instinctive will to cling to life was proving futile.
He was dying.
Accepting, but not resigned, unsatisfied and guilty, Ikki closed his eyes, and slowly the darkness seeped into his consciousness.
His mind drowned in a cold, damp emptiness.
His strength had faded, and little by little his body began to relax as if he were about to fall asleep.
He slowly fell asleep, hoping to find his parents in the afterlife...
...
..
.
He didn't understand what was happening. As if he were floating in an endless void. He tried to open his eyes but saw only darkness, his arms and legs were non-existent, unresponsive. He was lost and terrified. Suddenly, he was hit by an overwhelming force that compressed him from all sides. He felt unbearable pain, tearing at his soul...
He was enveloped by a blinding light that illuminated his entire being. He took a deep breath and felt pure air enter his lungs. He realized his body was different. He opened his eyes and faced an unreal scene...
His sapphire blue eyes widened at the sight of the walls of a bright and childlike room, even more so when he realized how difficult it was to control his body—he looked at his hands and all he wanted to say was, "Damn, am I a baby now?" But he couldn't form words in his mouth, so only the shock of the situation remained...
And the silence of the room...
"Oh. I was reborn." Ikki immediately understood. Accepting his situation with a bit of difficulty, although he had familiarized himself with the concept of reincarnation over the years reading countless stories; it had always been a mere fantasy to him—living it felt somewhat unreal...
But maybe, it was better this way...
He didn't have the courage to find his parents in the afterlife...
As he accepted the situation, he was pulled from his thoughts when a beautiful woman entered through the door of the room and walked up to his crib. She was in her twenties, beautiful enough to make hearts tremble; a pair of gorgeous sparkling blue eyes, with a gaze as gentle as water, showing not the slightest hint of arrogance. Her cherry-colored lips had the shine of a smooth shell. Her elegant eyebrows were crescent-shaped, and her hair was jet black. She wore leggings and a short blouse.
"Did you wake up, my baby?…" Her gentle voice and pure eyes looked at him with love and care.
Ikki was paralyzed at the sight of the woman before him. His eyes widened, his heart began to race like a deer in headlights, his throat became dry, and his heart felt like a whirlwind of emotions—it was as if a storefront filled with feelings had exploded inside him, silent tears streamed from his eyes.
Mother, before his eyes was his mother. The woman who cared for and raised him, the woman who brought him hope in a senseless world, the only one who stayed by his side despite everything, the one whom he saw dying slowly in a hospital bed...
She was alive again before his eyes!
This was so... there were no words to express his feelings about the situation; losing her in his past life made it impossible to express the depth of his pain and the extent of his longing. Losing her completely changed who he was, changed his state of mind, and his perspective on the world.
As he looked at the woman who gave him life in his past, she picked him up and smiled at him.
"All set, my baby. You must be hungry." She said, looking at him with tenderness, wiping his tears with her soft and delicate finger while cradling his tiny body with the other hand.
Ikki kept his eyes locked on his mother. The only thought that crossed his mind was the question; was this an afterlife world where memories began to surface from birth? For someone with a photographic memory, he didn't recall this room. Although it could be due to being a baby at the time, he felt alive enough for that theory to be unfounded—that is, his mother was alive in front of him...
The only plausible explanation was that this was an alternate universe or a time travel.
Reaching this conclusion, he finished being breastfed by his mother and was placed back in the crib. Afterwards, he watched her walk to the window, slowly opening the curtains, revealing a blue sky covered with grey clouds and some buildings from the neighborhood.
She then began to tidy up everything while keeping an eye on him.
His mother attempted to play a bit with him in the crib and shared various stories, her thoughts, aspirations, and concerns with him, while assuring him she would figure everything out...
It was then he discovered that his mother had a different name from his past life; instead of being called Junko Senno, she was named Sophia Phoenix. He followed her name and was still called Ikki, just the addition of Phoenix made the difference. According to his mother, his grandmother was a French woman who married a Japanese man and gave birth to her; she followed the Japanese surname of her grandfather—he followed that tradition.
His father didn't seem to exist in his mother's stories; she just mentioned that he was a wonderful person but unfortunately couldn't stay with them due to some family issues...
This was different from his past life and confirmed that this was a parallel universe, but he didn't mind; listening to his mother speak for the last hours brought him the same feeling; she was the same as from his memories...
Yes, she spent hours with him before he fell asleep and woke up later to be fed again.
The life of a baby was both very good and bad at the same time. He didn't have the freedom of an older child to walk, but he had the freedom of not needing to do anything to survive, like working or studying for a better future; he only slept, defecated, and nursed.
That was how he spent the last days.
He slowly became accustomed to this life.