After the incident, I called an ambulance and took Ailiss and Mikoto to the hospital, where they quickly recovered from the damage they had suffered.
As they had described to me, the existence of our friends and colleagues was completely erased from this world. This even affected the functional existence of that school. However, thanks to Ailiss's organization's support, we transferred to another nearby school to finish our school year.
After a few days of rest, we were finally able to leave the hospital. However, there was something different in their eyes.
No matter how hard they tried to hide it, I could clearly see that something was wrong. It was as if they were half-dead—or rather, as if a part of them had died.
"So, Johann? What will we do from now on?" Mikoto asks, her head down, gripping her arm with some insecurity.
I'm not the one who usually makes decisions in our relationship. However, given the situation, I believe they are entirely lost in their emotions. Therefore, it's only natural that I should support them and take on this role for now.
"I still have one more year of high school to complete. So, I can only fulfill our plans next year. But I think we can start living together from today. What do you think?"
At the very least, being together can alleviate the emotional confusion they're going through. I will do everything within my power to comfort them, even if only a little.
"Our plans?" Ailiss asks.
"I believe you've already forgotten, as we discussed this an eternity ago. I'm talking about us moving to Europe. Do you remember?"
"Oh, that is right…" Mikoto comments.
Once again, silence falls upon us.
I believe they are still very shaken by the damage they suffered, so it's best to take them to rest.
"Well, shall we go?" I put my hands in my coat pockets and start walking.
Both nod and follow in my footsteps.
The day is overcast. Even in the middle of the afternoon, the natural light is quite dim. However, it's not just the sky that's covered with clouds.
As we walk away from the hospital, I revisit my question.
"So? Do you have any objections to our plans?"
"I spoke directly with my superiors, and apparently, after the incident, I ended up being retired from my job. So, I don't see why not. To be honest, I don't have much else to do," Ailiss says, looking at the cloudy sky as she walks.
"It seems that with the loss of my conjuration abilities, I no longer have much use as a priestess. So, my family probably will not have much interest in me anymore. After all, I am a broken tool," Mikoto sighs. "For me, it is fine; we will follow your suggestion as you see fit."
It's decided. Since they are still profoundly unsettled, I should leave them alone as little as possible and do my best to comfort them.
"At the moment, I'm living alone in an apartment, but I'll need an excuse for my parents when one of them shows up. In any case, I'll think about that later," I comment, glancing at their faces in silence.
I bite my lip in regret.
I believe that at a time like this, Mikoto would have extended the topic of this awkward situation to make a joke at my expense, and maybe even Ailiss would have joined in to help her. However, I should be aware that this isn't the time for such jokes, and perhaps it never will be again.
Even so, this isn't a closed matter. Sooner or later, I'll have to face this uncomfortable truth and again touch their wounds to fulfill my last pending duty.
But are their hearts prepared to face this fact? Or is it mine that isn't?
…
We went to the registry office a few weeks after both moved into my apartment. As planned, they married to facilitate Ailiss's stay in Japan and Mikoto's acquisition of European citizenship.
For the first time, we could observe other seasons. The snow that blanketed the city gradually disappeared, giving way to the pinkish cherry blossoms. And just like the arrival of spring, we tried to leave all that snow behind and build a new life.
While I focused on completing my last year of school, both decided to save some money with part-time jobs. Despite Ailiss having relatively good savings from her work as an assassin, we decided to accumulate more resources for our move.
The year proceeded normally until my graduation day, and we moved to Europe. Soon after arriving, we settled in the region and bought a beautiful house in the countryside.
Just as I had envisioned in that distant past, the place is relatively peaceful with a small population.
The house we bought has two floors and is made of wood. There's a spacious kitchen for Mikoto to prepare her delicacies, and it has a cozy living room with a large fireplace. The decor is somewhat old-fashioned but elegant.
The stairs on the side of the living room lead to the second floor, where the bathroom and our bedroom are located, above the kitchen. Our bedroom even has a small balcony that gives us a beautiful view of the forest and the nearby rural town.
Moving to Europe didn't bring significant problems, as we quickly found jobs in the region. Mikoto and Ailiss got part-time jobs in local businesses while balancing time with household activities. On the other hand, I work full-time but help them as much as possible on my days off.
Mikoto took on the daily household tasks like preparing lunch and cleaning. In contrast, Ailiss handles the more rigorous maintenance tasks, such as collecting firewood and even hunting in the forest near our home.
"Hey, don't miss," I say as I hold a log.
"Who do you think you're talking to? I never miss," Ailiss replies, swinging the axe.
I feel the rush of air on my hands and see the log split into two parts.
"You almost hit my hands again," I sigh in relief.
"I was just trying to scare you a little," she pauses and looks thoughtfully at the sky. "That's enough; let's head back."
I nod, stand up, and start tying up the firewood to carry it.
"Ready. We'll fetch the rest in the afternoon," I finish tying the knot.
"Do me a favor—you can carry more than that," she looks at me with disdain.
"Don't compare me to you; I don't have superhuman strength."
"Well, I should be used to the fact that you're a weakling by now."
Amid the cool breeze, we leave the forest with the firewood we've gathered for the approaching winter.
When we get close to our residence, we place the logs beside the house.
Before entering, I can already smell the food. This prompts Ailiss to urge me to finish the work quickly since she has the appetite of a large feline.
She quickly unlocks and opens the door, letting the sound alert Mikoto to our arrival.
"Oh, you are back already? Just a moment, your lunch is almost ready," Mikoto calls from the kitchen.
"That's fine; no need to rush," I reply as we sit at the table.
After a few minutes, she arrives at the table with dishes combining Western and Japanese cuisine.
I see that she's blending recipes she's learned here with those from her home country. Undoubtedly, her natural skills as a chef pair perfectly with the gluttony of the other.
"Oh, let me help you," I stand up and go to her.
"Thank you; you have been quite attentive lately. What are you trying to gain with all this kindness? Scoring points with us?" she laughs, handing me some plates. "You should know by now that such antics will not work on me."
"It's not like that…" I lower my gaze.
"Oh, did you prepare the deer and fish I brought yesterday?" Ailiss asks.
"Yes, they are cooked just the way you like. Enjoy," Mikoto responds and then turns to me with a serene smile. "You should better hurry and serve yourself, too, or she will not leave anything for you."
Thus, Mikoto, Ailiss, and I have our meal as usual, with Mikoto eating as elegantly as possible while the other makes a mess devouring the dishes.
Without a doubt, it's a sight that brings me a certain nostalgia.
"So, who is going to wash the dishes?" Mikoto asks.
"Obviously, Johann, for slacking off while we were gathering firewood," Ailiss replies.
"Oh my, not a bad idea," Mikoto sips her drink and adds, "Since you will already be in the groove, why not sweep the living room too?"
"Hey, why is everything being dumped on me?" I complain.
"Sunday is our day off, so you are in charge of the housework."
"You talk as if I don't do anything. I work all week, too."
"Exactly. This is your reward. What greater leisure is there than serving the two of us on your day off?" she smirks mockingly.
"I don't see how this qualifies as leisure in any world. I want to file a labor complaint."
"That was implied in your contract when you became subordinate to me. Now shut up and get to work," Ailiss comments disdainfully.
Defeated, I comply with their orders.
As I head to the sink, I notice they're smiling at each other and continuing their usual banter at my expense.
Looking at them like this, one could almost believe… it would seem like they've completely moved past the trauma of a year ago.
But that's far from the truth.
I know them better than anyone else in this world. As much as their teasing and jokes mimic what they used to be, I can easily see the fragility in their smiles. What's left of them now is only a shadow of what they once were.
Even after everything, I see they haven't abandoned their immense kindness. And yet, I haven't found the courage to break this false atmosphere and fulfill my promise.
I keep telling myself that today will be the day we face what we did in that incident and put this matter to rest. But I always end up faltering and postponing it to the next day.
…
"And with this, Mistkerl loses for the fiftieth consecutive time," Ailiss says, laying her cards on the table.
"I am not surprised. You are really not cut out for games, are you?" Mikoto teases. "Look on the bright side—at least you had great luck in love."
Oh, how I wish… how I wish I could believe these sweet lies. Still, I can't blame them, for I've been a great liar too. However, would it really be okay for us to end things like this?
"I've always said I hate games," I respond habitually.
Oh, how artificial. The way I speak irritates me so much. Being trapped in this act torments me. The actual game isn't these cards but our carefully calculated words.
"Anyway, I've had my fill for today," I get up. "If you'll excuse me, I need to rest a bit."
"Sure, sure. Be a good loser, leave us alone, and let us decide the finals," Ailiss retorts mockingly.
"I'm so sleepy," I yawn as I climb the stairs to our room.
"We will come up soon, just finishing this round," Mikoto says while stealing a card from Ailiss. "Since you are heading up first, make the bed for us."
"Alright, I'll do it like the good servant I am."
I turn toward the room but stop and lean against the wall in the hallway. I watch them carefully.
I see them gathering the cards and tidying up as they usually do before coming upstairs.
However, while Ailiss finishes tidying up, Mikoto slowly settles onto the couch and lets out a long sigh.
"You know, I find myself thinking the same thoughts hundreds of times during the day. I keep questioning how I was able to do that. I still do not understand…" She grips her arm tightly. "Why?"
Ailiss walks to the window, presses her palm against the cold glass, and replies.
"We've talked about this before. There's no point in dwelling on the past."
"I know. We promised each other to move on. But even so… I cannot forget. You cannot ask me to do that," Mikoto's voice grows heavier with emotion. "This guilt is not going just to vanish overnight."
"Unfortunately, I don't have an answer," Ailiss sighs. "And I fear there isn't one. That's why I ask you to keep trying—because that's all we can do now."
"I am trying," Mikoto lowers her head, burying her face in her palms. "But I do not know how much longer I can keep going. How can I find peace knowing what we did?"
"As I said, you have to stay strong," Ailiss kneels in front of her, embraces her in consolation and rests her forehead against Mikoto's. "Because if you fall apart, I will too."
Seeing this scene, I feel my legs give out, and I slide down the wall to the floor. At the same time, I hear the sobs of the girls as their tears overcome them.
Seeing them so broken is more than enough to bring me to tears as well.
I truly hate myself for being unable to change even a comma of our past.
...
The next day, I wake up and head to the living room to have breakfast before my usual workday.
"Good morning," I greet as I descend the stairs and see Mikoto preparing tea.
"Good morning," she replies without looking away from what she's doing.
I sit quietly at the table and watch her for a few minutes.
Then Ailiss exits the bedroom, descends the stairs, and we all gather at the table to eat.
The scene from last night doesn't leave my mind, forcing me to ask a question.
"So, how are things?"
"Fine," Mikoto responds.
Ailiss remains silent, staring intently at her cup.
They are genuinely kind and don't intend to tell me. At the same time, I am too much of a coward to question them directly.
"By the way, how are your part-time jobs going?"
"Well. The workload is relatively small, and we are well compensated."
"And the final match between you two? Who won?"
"This time, I did."
The other doesn't even bother to react to her proclamation.
We eat in silence. However, unlike before, I can't feel comfortable with this strange aura, so I force another question.
"It's supposed to rain today, right?"
"I suppose so."
We continue this artificial conversation. I use empty words that systematically leave my mouth to prevent us from falling into silence.
Silence used to be more pleasurable than any conversation when we were on the same wavelength, in mutual understanding. There was nothing better than simply appreciating their presence. However, now I do everything to avoid that stillness.
Why is that?
I feel as if, if I don't say anything, they might gradually become translucent and disappear from this world… as if nothing holds them here anymore.
...
The calendar pages fall quickly, and I find myself in winter again.
Thinking of ending it all and running into the arms of death would indeed be the most rational solution to escape this burden. Since justice is not my cause, I could do it without hesitation. However… I am a slave to my desires, and this is not the path I long for.
"Hey, Ailiss, Mikoto. I want to go somewhere today," I break the silence.
"Let me guess, an excuse to slack off?" Ailiss asks.
"Let him go. We can make him pay for it later," Mikoto comments, producing another smile.
You're kinder than you seem… but I don't want this. I don't want false peace; I want you. I want your real feelings. I want the real Mikoto and the real Ailiss by my side.
And for that, I must stop indefinitely postponing that important duty. No matter how hard it is for us to face it, we must confront this ghost of the past; ignoring it will never make it disappear.
"I need you two to come with me," I say, looking down. "Please."
They stare at me, surprised.
Before they can question me, I stand and walk toward the door.
"Shall we?" I open it, turn, and ask.
They exchange confused glances but eventually nod to each other.
...
"Why are we going to the woods? We already have enough food and firewood for the season," Ailiss says.
"It's not about that. Just wait a little longer."
We enter the woods, where the trees are all bare in this harsh winter. We continue walking into the small forest, leaving a trail of footprints behind us.
Finally, we arrive at the place I had prepared.
There is a small frozen lake surrounded by trees with completely bare branches. In spring, this area becomes beautiful and covered with flowers. Each season brings an exuberant scene to observe, the perfect place for this act.
Curiously, even on this winter day, a few birds are still singing.
I stop in front of the ice and take in the surroundings.
"So, is this what you wanted to show us?" Mikoto asks. "I must admit, it is a beautiful place."
"You think it's beautiful? I'm glad. But actually, this isn't what I wanted to show you two," I turn my head to the right. "It's that."
They follow my gaze and immediately widen their eyes.
As expected, they quickly connect the dots. I had prepared two small gravestones using rocks and firewood.
I turn my face to the sky and continue.
"Hey, if you could choose names, what would they be?"
...
I finish writing their names on the wood, completing my last promise, and then stand. I turn to them and notice their somber expressions.
"Are you not going to include your surname?" Mikoto asks, averting her gaze.
"It's better this way since this initiative was mine. If I were in their place, I'd prefer to forgo this surname."
"Tch. Indeed, no one besides us would want to be associated with you," Ailiss says with a self-deprecating smile.
"I suppose so," I feel a light breeze that gives me a sense of fulfillment.
I glance again at their names on the gravestones, lost in thought for a few seconds.
Yukihara Yukino.
Aiden von Feuerstein.
I clench my fists, feel my nails digging into my flesh, and return to reality.
Clearly, only this duty is done, but there's still much ahead. I will remember these names every day until the moment of my death.
"Well, with this, are we done with our obligations? How about we head back and have some tea?" Mikoto notices my unease and touches my hand.
I see you two continue trying to cheer me up. I am so grateful to have you by my side; you genuinely mean everything to me.
"No, this will never end. So you don't need to hide how you feel from me," I turn to them and see their surprised expressions. "Do you intend for us to keep acting like shadows of ourselves forever?"
"So, you were aware? In the end, we are all terrible actors. We already placed the weight of that decision on your shoulders when, in truth, it was our fault just as much. I feel so terribly tainted, and because of that… because of that…" Mikoto trails off, unable to finish.
"Certainly, we are filthy. The three of us did something unforgivable… but have you forgotten what you told me back then? Even if you wear crowns of thorns, I will still be with you."
"You still remember that? Honestly…" Ailiss bites her lip. "And now, what's left for us? Do you want to join them?" she asks, glancing at the gravestones.
"No," Mikoto composes herself and responds. "Taking our lives would indeed be a simplistic way to ease our consciences. If we were concerned with what is right, this would not be the moral answer, for death is far from a judgment for our crimes—it would be equivalent to fleeing from our sacrilege. The true punishment is carrying this guilt until we can no longer." She pauses, sighs briefly, and concludes, "But it is not duties that bind me here."
"If justice and duties aren't your cause, then what keeps you in this world?" I ask, surprised.
Mikoto looks at Ailiss and me and responds in a melancholic but resolute tone.
"Will."
Ailiss lets out a small, anguished laugh and then begins to speak.
"I see you feel the same as I do. What occupies my mind isn't a conflict of ideals or duties but a clash of wills. On one hand, I want to disappear to rid myself of this imminent pain," she places her fingers over her chest, "but there's something even heavier than this immense sin we carry on our backs: my desire to be with you. My desire to walk alongside you two until the end of time."
I understand now. Is this how you both feel, too?
The three of us look at each other in brief, bitter silence before I speak again.
"From now on, know that you don't need to have any consideration for me. So don't hold back anymore and show me how you feel. Because when we decided to walk this miserable path together, everything was included." I approach them, pull them close to my chest, and they rest their foreheads against me.
"This is quite a selfish request, but for my own selfishness, I could never deny it," Mikoto says in a heavy voice, clinging to my coat.
"Indeed, such an unjust request, yet at the same time, worthy of demons who were born for one another," Ailiss lowers her face and wraps her arms around me.
After a brief silence, I gently touch their heads and express my most sincere words.
"I want all your feelings, both the good and the most haunting ones. Even if, from now on, we only have moments of agony, guilt, unhappiness, hatred, and disgust, that's what I want because this is how I love you. I love you regardless of the circumstances."
Johann Geistmann loves Yukihara Mikoto absolutely.
Johann Geistmann loves Ailiss von Feuerstein unconditionally.
These sentences seem simple, but they hold so many consequences. Like our sins, our love merely exists in the flow of time—a love that is always beyond good and evil.
This time, they finally yield and collapse with me. Our legs give out, and among the graves, we fall to our knees on the snow-covered ground.
And just as our tears fall, time can finally flow beyond that unending week… yet ironically, I may never see them smile as they did within that white and frozen hell again.
Oh, love is indeed the most beautiful emotion. Even a feeling that has sunk into the most grotesque mire of sin remains unshaken. I am well aware of all my sins, yet I would do it all again because I love them, and this is the purely sick nature of our love.
I hold them even tighter to comfort them, though I know these wounds will never heal.
Thus, in bitterness, we will lament today and continue lamenting forever.
And so… between Snow and Ashes, The Memories of That Twisted Love Remain
The End.