What else could I do? I am eternally condemned to this. All I feel like doing is sitting here and crying uncontrollably.
Perhaps the only thing left for me is to keep taking my own life to spare them from any suffering. But my heart can't take it anymore. I just want to disappear and have my existence erased...
"Johann-kun, are you okay?"
I hear Miyu's same question once more.
"No, Miyu. I am not okay," I murmur in total despair.
"What happened?! And why are you crying?!" Miyu asks, surprised.
"I hurt people who are very important to me. And I don't know what to do about it," I say, sitting down and pressing my forehead into the palm of my hand.
"Hey, but have you tried talking to these people? Have you apologized?"
Talk to them? I don't think I have the courage to face them after what happened. Knowing what I've done, how could I look them in the eye?
"No. I don't think they would accept mere apologies; they probably never want to see me again."
The truth is, I'm the only one who will remember my actions. So, this conversation feels pointless. The one who will never forgive me is myself.
"How could they not? Even if they don't accept your apologies, you must try!" Miyu grabs my arm and looks me in the eyes. "If you care about and hurt these people, you have to face them sooner or later! Do you intend to hide this forever? Be honest with them; be honest with yourself! They'll never know how you feel if you don't speak up!"
I avert my gaze downward.
Honest, huh? That's probably what I've been the least throughout all these attempts. I approached them deceitfully, trying to manipulate both and everyone else to achieve the end I considered ideal.
Despite our vastly different worldviews, perhaps she's right. As hard as it may be to confront them again, I can't back down. Not after everything I've been through. If, by chance, they remember all the times they had to die, I will take responsibility.
"You're right. I'll talk to them as soon as possible," I raise my head and look at Miyu. "Thank you."
"It's nothing; you don't have to thank me," she says, placing her hand on my forehead. "But crying and thanking me... are you sure you don't have a fever or something? I always thought you were a robot for never opening up."
Someday, I'll also need to apologize for having killed her, Miyu. Even though no one remembers, I did terrible things to her, Manabu, and Shou. I am a horrible friend in the end.
"I'm fine…" I look down and smile bitterly. "Thank you, once again."
...
Do the ends justify the means? It depends on what ends and means we're talking about. I would do anything to save them, but taking this thought to the extreme and making them suffer on mere speculation is inexcusable.
My morally wrong actions cannot be considered the cause of these repetitions, given that I've managed to orchestrate my suicide without killing anyone. It would be presumptuous of me to think that those two entities care about my values.
But there's something familiar to all iterations: my lies. Is it right to manipulate them systematically with the intent to save them? To be honest, I still see it as an indispensable end. But how would they feel about it?
Or rather, putting myself in their place, how would I react to see one of them taking the same actions I did? Watching them die in those worlds was terrible.
Looking at it this way, I see how cruel my manipulation can be.
Honesty… Miyu's words are correct. Despite this race against time, I believe I should be more upfront with them. If I'm going to save them from this world and from their hatred for each other, I'll have to do it properly.
"Hey, Jocchi. What's wrong? You're more depressed than usual," says Manabu, stuffing food into his mouth.
Indeed, I am exhausted. That was my last bet.
I glance at Miyu, and it seems she has no intention of telling them about the state in which she found me in the classroom. It's an embarrassing situation, and it's natural for someone like her to keep it a secret.
Where do I start? Should I even allow myself this luxury? If I overthink this, I won't get anywhere.
"Well… I-It's something hard to put into words, but I think I need your help," I lower my head.
Asking for their support after everything I've done is complicated. But I have no one else to turn to. Since Ailiss and Mikoto don't know me at this point, I only have them.
"What?! Johann asking for our help? Is it a problem with a girl?" Shou says, laughing.
"Not at all, Shoucchi. I already told you he's on the 2D girls' team," Manabu retorts.
The same jokes as always, huh? Honestly, I miss when my only concern was being teased by these three idiots. I had almost forgotten how haunting loneliness used to be.
Ah… if I could relive moments like these again, to live without worries. However, even if such a blessing were granted to me, I would refuse it. I can't ignore my responsibilities.
"To tell the truth, that's exactly it," I reply with a bitter smile.
"What?! A-Are you serious?!" Shou asks, standing up.
"That's impossible, Jocchi!" Manabu whines dramatically.
Then, like in the old days, Miyu decides to intervene, scolding our two friends.
"Boys, please stop! Show some seriousness!" She turns to me with a worried look. "I believe he doesn't feel comfortable talking about this in such a way."
"Well… okay then," Shou says, confused.
"So, what happened to you, Jocchi?" Manabu regains his composure.
Despite all the harm I caused the three of them… can I really ask for their support?
"The truth is, I went through a very difficult time where I made decisions I never should have made. Thinking strictly about my goals, I abandoned everything; I betrayed myself," I pause. "How can you be so honest with yourself?"
I never imagined I'd ask them such a question. But I believe they are light-years ahead of me in this aspect. Even after being trapped in this temporal mess for so long, I haven't advanced an inch toward self-understanding.
"Honest, huh?" Shou lowers his head with a bitter smile.
"It's hard to put into words, and I didn't expect this question," Manabu comments.
"I think we all have this problem. Me, you, Manabu-kun, and Shimizu-kun, we all lose our honesty at some point," says Miyu, averting her gaze. "But when we realize we're sabotaging ourselves, we must swim against the current, and we can help you with this."
"I agree with Miyucchi. You're my friend, and I'll support you in whatever you need. Even if it involves real girls…" he says, scratching his head.
Maybe we never had a serious conversation like this because I never opened up and honestly exposed my problems.
I limited myself to seeing the superficial with them. Manabu is an otaku suffering from chuunibyou, Shou is a pervert, and Miyu is everyone's friend. Despite spending so much time together, I never considered seeing them beyond appearances.
"Once again, thank you," I sigh.
"So, Johann? Who's the girl? And what exactly happened to affect you so much?"
From their perspective, it seems like just a random love problem. It's easier to show them what's going on than to explain it.
"In the next class, you'll see something extraordinary happen. It's not a play or a joke; it's something serious. But don't worry, nothing will endanger anyone's safety in this school. After this event, I can explain in more detail."
3:33 PM
"Johann, what madness was that?!" Shou asks.
"Speak more quietly."
"How did you know about this, Jocchi? What's your involvement in it?" Manabu asks.
After the game's announcement, Manabu, Shou, and Miyu come to talk to me in a secluded spot in the schoolyard.
Trying to explain the whole situation involving the Laplace demons and an infinite number of timelines would be problematic.
"Let's just say I went back in time."
"Really?! Do you have a time machine?!"
"I knew you were smart, but not that much," Shou comments.
"It's not exactly as you're imagining. In fact, this happens against my will."
"It's still surprising, but given the situation, you seem to be telling the truth," Miyu says.
"Do you know who the other two players are?" Manabu asks.
"Yes, and this is directly related to my request this morning. They are President Mikoto, and the transfer student Shou mentioned during lunch; her name is Ailiss. I ask that you keep this a secret for their safety. Neither has hostile intentions toward the other students, so everyone is safe."
In truth, they are pretty hostile. However, from what I've observed during this time, the pattern is that they remain passive. Still, it's possible that, at the last moment, they'll resort to some sacrifice to go on the offensive against each other.
"I see you're in a tough spot, Johann. But I don't understand what this has to do with your request. Given the announced rules, do you intend to face one of them?" Shou crosses his arms.
"Quite the opposite; I need to save both of them."
"But Jocchi…" Manabu adjusts his glasses. "Wouldn't that imply your death?"
Shou and Miyu are startled upon hearing Manabu's conclusion.
It's not hard to connect the dots, but we intentionally refuse to see the obvious.
"Yes, it's not my first time doing something like this. In these repetitions, I found a future where both reconcile and win the game, and that's my end. However, for that, I had to manipulate them and take measures I disapprove of," I clench my fists. "I can't stand acting that way anymore. I want to resolve this by being honest, exposing my intentions to them, and showing them how I truly feel."
"This request… it doesn't seem right. Isn't there a way for you to be saved, too? It's not fair for you to die in the process," Miyu lowers her head.
"The rules of the game were quite clear in this sense, and it seems he's determined to save them even knowing the consequences," Manabu comments and turns to me. "I still don't quite understand how you grew close to them emotionally, given the little contact you've had with the president and Ailiss, but I'll help you in any way I can."
Despite appearing foolish most of the time, Manabu possesses above-average sensibility when dealing with serious matters.
"It's hard to put into words, but it wasn't a few times that I jumped through time, and throughout these iterations, I grew closer to them," I respond.
"Grew closer? I thought you were into one of them, but since you said you've sacrificed yourself for both to survive… does that mean you feel the same for both?" Shou asks.
"Yes. I love both of them to the point of having died countless times for them."
And also killed many more… including you. Unfortunately, I can't bring this up now, but someday I'll have to apologize for that.
"Y-You love b-both of them?" Miyu blushes and pauses. "I didn't expect to hear something like that."
"Hey, Johann. You're pretty bold to try to win over two girls at once. Even I wouldn't have that audacity," Shou bursts into laughter.
"Okay, you like them, huh? It seems strange to me, but things like this don't need justification. Our feelings aren't rational; they just exist," Miyu says.
Analyzing it, it's tough to understand. Even I had difficulty comprehending these feelings born from infinite worlds.
"With your motivations explained, how do you intend to act? If both are players, they'll likely see you as an enemy. You said you've managed to get close to them countless times; are we going to use the same approach?" Manabu asks.
"I don't know; I don't want to manipulate them any further. That's why I'd like the help of you three. Honestly, I don't know how to proceed anymore… I just know the way I've been acting isn't right."
If this repetition ends correctly, without regrets, without using inappropriate means… could it all finally end? At this point, having tested so many hypotheses, it's hard to remain optimistic.
I don't think this can be reversed so easily. However, in any case, it's a relief to finally free my feelings that have been suppressed for an eternity in this hell.