Back in my early elementary school days, I was never anyone special…
I was always pretty athletic, but never the top. I was always considered one of the best looking, but never the best.
I was always number 5 or 6 on everyone's list. Sometimes I was 3 or 2, but never 1…
It bothered me so bad I cried myself to sleep many times.
I didn't know why it bothered me, but it was something that completely overtook me.
It was overwhelming, the sense of inadequacy and turmoil.
It all came to a head in a class in physical education.
The 100m dash, once one of the greatest subcategories in the sport of track and field. Reduced to something 8yr olds do to decide who's the fastest.
The three fastest in the class had a three-way tie the last time we did it. Naturally I was 6th that time, which irked me more than I thought it did.
So they all made the pact to re-score the top 10 in this next race… they were obviously confident so they listened to our pleas.
We had 5 lanes in our track, meaning that there would be 3 rounds. 1st to weed out the last 5, 2nd to see who's 1st and 2nd and last to figure out who's 1st.
I got through to the 1st round pretty easily. Some of the kids out just laughed it off and complimented the others who got through.
None of their words registered in my brain though. My head was completely focused on how I was only 3rd in the group that finished.
Then came the 2nd round, It was 1st or 2nd or bust.
The person next to me was talking. But I didn't even think about listening…
I knew he felt bad that I was the only girl in the top 5. I knew he was just pitying me because he knew that the top 2 were just better.
And then…
"GO"
The teacher yelled.
We all ran close to each other. Yet there were 2 kids in front of the pack.
I felt my blood boil against me, the heat made my head feel woozy, almost floating. Then it felt like all my worries, all my doubts, the anguish about being the best, Disappeared.
I finally felt like I was doing something that I liked, I loved.
All of a sudden I was leading the race by a wide margin…
The second place was almost 2 meters behind me. By the time I finished it took another 10 seconds before the next place winner…
"Wow, you're really fast!!"
"By that margin I don't think we need a third round… hehe.."
"Hehe, thanks… I umm… thank you…"
I felt an elation I had never felt before. I was number 1! I beat out everyone.
But as soon as that feeling came, it left.
It felt, empty… like the competition was- unnecessary…
While everyone was congratulating me, the two in 3rd and 2nd seemed so sad…
It felt deserved for me to win, but did they deserve to lose?
I left after the last bell rang, back to the little apartment my family calls home. I felt a pit in my stomach every time I remembered the race.
I thought I had given my opponents the same feeling I was feeling the last 2 yrs. And that made my stomach turn.
Then a thought crossed my mind. If hurting people's feelings felt this bad. What happens when I eventually hurt someone physically.
I promised myself from that point on, I wouldn't strive to be the best at the cost of someone else. And that I would protect the people I can. To avoid that feeling.