What is the meaning of life? What makes people keep living their meaningless lives completing menial tasks everyday that won't lead to anything significant at the end of their lives. Some may find ways to change the world but the majority will remain horses in a never ending carousel following the same path over and over.
That morning when I got out of bed I wanted nothing more than to fall back asleep but nevertheless I had to pursue an education. School doesn't mean much to me, I wouldn't say I hate learning but what's the point if it's not something that will lead me to a future I want. To be honest I'm not even sure what I want.
Even when I don't try as hard as the other students I still pass with no trouble but I doubt that'll last for long. For my first year in high school it hasn't brought anything new to talk about.
When talking to a friend during lunch he told me, "You gotta find someone to start talking to, before you know it high school will fly by and you won't have any memories."
"I've been telling you man, there's no one here that catches my eye." He shook his head at me and walked away. I"m telling him the truth, no one at school has ever made me think of them in that way.
My feelings have been numb for quite a while and I haven't felt much for other people. Sometimes it's like other people don't even exist.
I've had the perfect life for as long as I can remember yet I still don't feel happy. There aren't many problems within my family and they all seem to love me and yet I can't form any kind of connection with any of them.
Talking to anyone is just a pain, I can never find any common ground with them and most people are just annoying to talk to. It takes every bone in my body not to tell those around me to shut up already.
No one really knows anything about me, I don't tell them much and they don't ask either. If someone does ask about my hobbies or interests I'll give them a vague answer and try to cut the conversation short.
I got to my math class and I pulled a pencil and notebook out of my desk as I sat down. Math is easy, it's memorizing steps of equations and putting them together and it doesn't take me much time to solve problems. The other students work so hard to study and keep their grades up or they won't try at all. I don't see the need to study, the only point is to build up speed and I'll remember the equations either way.
I listened as my "friends" talked about whatever girl they're talking to and that new movie everyone's going to watch later. I'm not but when it comes to my peers I can't help but be repulsed by them.
They constantly make the same types of jokes over and over again it's become predictable what the punchline will be. I have a sense of humor but theirs is just irritating. They're all so incredibly egotistical when they really have nothing going for them. And the amount of noise they make drives me insane.
When I'm with them I want nothing more than for them to just drop dead. Maybe I envy them because I know I'll never be like them, that I'll never be normal. But what does it matter?
Science is my last period, at the end of the day I often find myself deep in thought staring at nothing. Sometimes I get too distracted and realize I've been staring at another person for the past thirty minutes. There's two minutes left of class but the teacher still hasn't finished talking. I've learned over time how grating the voice of another person can be, almost like nails on chalkboard.
Leaving the school building I saw some of my friends gathered up laughing at their phones. I gave them a fake smile and headed home. I doubt they'll ever realize how disgusting I find all of them.
But hey, maybe I should thank them. Because of them I learned the amazing skill of pretending. Pretending to be a different person just makes life a lot easier.
I got home and I was the first one there. I went upstairs and left my things in my room. I sat on my bed and with a sigh I finally laid down.
I put on my earphones and put on some music. Music is one of those things that makes me feel content. The guitar is my main instrument, it means more to me than anything else in this world. My room is another one of those things, it's the only place I can be alone and the only place I can be myself.
The downstairs door opened. I went down to check who it was and saw my mother in the kitchen. My mother was begging to prepare a soup while humming to herself. She's a very independent and caring person and might be the person I'm closest with(not that it means much).
"Can you pass me the salt please?" she asked while stirring the pot.
I nodded and handed her the salt. "Need any help?" I asked. "No thank you it's fine, I have everything handled here. Just go to your room and I'll call when the food is ready."
My room is very calming. It's the feeling of being alone in my own thoughts that makes me feel "fuller" than I normally do.
I follow a similar order of events everyday like I've been stuck in a loop for the entirety of my life. Everyday is copy and pasted one after the other and there's no end to it. I can't tell if I've always been this way or if my will to live may have just died over the time I've spent on my carousel but what I do know is that this is who I am now.
But why? Why am I like this? Why can't I be normal? Why can't I find the joy in life that others do? Why do I continue to make myself suffer?
In this world the people are all rather the same. In the very few good people you"ll find that doesn't make up for how horrible they can be. But who am I to judge I'm horrible myself. I don't love my family yet I rely on them for everything I need and want. I don't care when those I'm supposed to love get hurt. I lie to everyone around me constantly. It makes me wonder if I'm even human.
There is no happiness here for me because I'll never let myself be happy in this world. I'll continue to make myself miserable, to compare myself to others, to despise those around me and it will never end, so then..
Why am I still here?
What's the point in living if I don't have what makes everyone in the world thrive? What drives them to fight everyday with everything they have in them. What's the point of spending everyday miserable if I'll never have that strength that makes people so hard to get rid of? What is the meaning of life without happiness?
I opened one of my drawers and grabbed a case from the very bottom. When I opened it there was an old fashioned straight razor with two replaceable blades. I brought the razor closer to my wrist, my head felt clear for the first time. There was nothing to think about anymore, just swipe. I committed my final selfish act.
In just seconds blood pooled on my bed. I could hear my blood drip onto the floor, the noise getting fainter and fainter. The rhythmic drops were hypnotic, with each tap I felt my body get lighter. I'd never have guessed I'd be this calm while dying but I think… I'm happy.
"What a shame." said a disembodied voice. "Here I was thinking I'd have a nice conversation with a new candidate." he said in a pouty voice. "Guess we'll have to talk somewhere else."
The stars are beautiful. There are no words to describe them, you can compare them to diamonds or raindrops but there is nothing equal to the beauty of a star. This room was full of them, all over the place. They weren't fake though each one was a real burning ball of gas hot enough to scorch anything that came near it. It was a beauty to behold, a site you'd never see in a million years.
When I awoke it was a shock that I was still alive. It felt as though I was weightless and I couldn't feel my arms or legs. No panic set in though, this place seemed to put my thoughts at peace as if it was telling me that I was safe. There was someone in the middle of the room, I'm not sure who it was but looking into their eyes I felt nothing but dread running throughout my entire body.
"What a pity, you barely made it through life and you ended it on a bed in a pool of your own blood." a now familiar voice said to me. "I mean you didn't even do anything with your life, and now there's nothing you ever will do." He mocked. Not sure what I did to piss off this random asshole but he's sure as hell getting a good one to face when I can feel my arms.
"You aren't going to do anything to me, my young corpse." he said. How did he know what I was thinking?
"Before your eyes is a God, there is nothing you could possibly do to harm me." his voice echoed.
A God? A real God? If there was anything I despised more than anything else, it was the very concept of God. An almighty being that controls everything, knows everything, and can do anything yet they decide to remain silent to anyone and everyone. People spend their entire lives devoting themselves to a god that never responds, they insist that any good thing that happens to them is done by God and they must follow God and put God above all else. It's sickening.
"You're here because you've been chosen as part of a special program, let's say. We find souls who have a personality determined to change the world for the better. We then send them to a world where they can find the power to do what their heart desires."
I think it was that moment when I felt my heartbeat for the first time in a long time.
"Why? What's the point in sending people from different worlds instead of doing it yourself?" I asked.
"Well you can't expect a God to get their hands dirty with trivial matters when I just have so much to do." he said with a shit eating grin on his face.
"Aren't Gods supposed to be virtuous and kind?" I questioned. As he continued
walking towards me I got a better look at his "face", I couldn't tell you what it looked like because to be honest I don't know myself. He was dressed like an everyday person though, t-shirt, sweatpants, sandals, it was the complete shut in outfit.
"Why would I waste my kindness on trash like you." he said with a look of disgust.
"Well then I might have to reconsider being sent to another world"
"Aww that's cute you think this is a matter you have a choice. You're lucky enough to be granted another chance at life so try to make sure you don't cut it short this time."
"Well are you at least going to give me some information on this world I'm being sent to or am I going in blind?"
"You my boy are being sent to the amazing world of Desdir, my world. It's a beautiful world of swords and sorcery but far less advanced than the world you come from. We've chosen you specifically for we have determined that whatever actions you make in this world you will make it a truly better place."
Yeah fat chance.
"Do I have any special powers to put myself above everyone else?"
"Yes, one… You will gain the power of immortality. You will gain this power at birth but once you reach the age of 21 your aging will stop. You will also be allowed to use every type of magic and fighting style but you will have to learn them first."
"Does it have to be immortality or can I choose something else?" At this point I'm just asking more questions to piss him off.
"Each soul has a specific power chosen for it based on their personality and what they can do the most with." he said with his voice sounding more exasperated.
"Is there anything else I should know before I start my journey?" I can see the patience fade in his eyes.
"Well just one thing" he said with a smile.
"I'm afraid we can't take your body with you so we'll have to reincarnate your soul. Don't worry you'll have your memories but I'm afraid you'll have to start from scratch."
At that very moment I was pulled somewhere else. It was like my entire body was submerged in oil. I struggled to move, everything around me was dark, it wasn't possible to tell down from up or left to right. It was nothing but a void. Was it all a lie? Did it even happen at all? Was I still dead?
"I'm sorry son but you weren't meant to be here." a voice spoke into my head.
Those words hit me like a truck. For the first time I saw light in darkness thinking of another chance. Not only that but this was a dream I've long lost hope in. The idea of another world is something I used to dream of night and day. The thought of a place where I could be powerful brought a smile to my face. I mean just think of all the fun I could have. I could do anything. But those words spoken to me in the abyss dimmed that light.
"So you what? You just wasted my time for nothing?! You brought me hope of another world only to take it away!" I yelled.
A small purple light made its way towards me in the abyss.
"You weren't meant to be here young man but I did bring you here." the light said. "I swapped you out with another candidate as you were dying. You see I've been watching you for quite some time and I've got to say you're what this world really needs."
The relief I felt after the light explained felt like a weight lifted off my chest.
"Well I'm not sure what to say other than that's really creepy but seeing as I still get to see another world I guess I won't argue." I shrugged.
"We are almost finished here, there's one last step." the light grew larger and larger taking on a human shape. It raised its arms and in one swoop it lowered them. The gust of wind it created knocked me to the floor.
"I've given your soul demon eyes. No matter what body you are reborn in, you shall always have your demon eyes. These specific ones grant you the ability to think at a speed beyond human capability and will let you grow indefinitely."
"Thanks it's not like I spent the majority of my past life stuck in my own head, you really picked a great power for me."
"With all that said and done, it's time. Within a short few moments your new life will begin and with every choice you will surely bring to the world a change it needs." the light's voice echoed throughout the abyss. Did it not notice my sarcasm?
"Wait, what are you? Are you another god? And why did you choose me to change this world?" It was too late for questions.
There now stood two giants looking down at me. I'm assuming these are my parents, the woman (my mother) had green eyes and long brown hair. She was thin and compared to the man she wasn't very tall. She had a kind sweet face, one with the purity of a saint. The man (my father) had blue eyes and hair the color of brick. He had a broad build along with a muscular body and yet he had a face that would melt my heart. If I had one.
They seem quite excited to see me so I'm guessing that I've just been recently born. The man was speaking in an unfamiliar language but he seemed enthusiastic. Learning a new language is gonna be a difficult task but with immortality I think I'll have the time.
In this world I'll have the power to make the boring life that drove me insane into whatever I want it to be. This is my chance to find the missing piece that will finally make me whole.