Kisame pulls out Samehada. Slowly. I'm in agony. It's shredding my chest, ripping chunks of skin off with every centimeter it pulls out. I vaguely hear Sasuke getting the beating of a lifetime. Finally, Samehada is withdrawn completely.
A ruined husk of red meat is pushed out of my chest by the Jiongu. It plops to the ground. A heart. My fire heart. My original heart.
...
I should be dead.
"Samehada likes your chakra, says it tastes like everything. How many hearts you got kid?" Kisame raises his sword again. "Wait, don't tell me. I want to find out for myself."
~Protect the host!~
He blurs again. The Jiongu curls protectively around me, it won't be enough.
CLANG
"You know, for big bad missing nin you two do lousy research on your targets." Oh thank Kami, Jiraya is here. "I'm much better at getting woman than they are at getting me!"
"You noticed the genjutsu." Itachi says in his monotonous voice.
"Of course! I noticed in time to save everyone!" Jiraya boasts while striking a majestic pose. "The hero arrives at the last moment and saves the day!"
I clear my throat. "Hate to break it to you, Jiraya-sama, but if I were literally anyone else I would be dead twice over."
Kisame grins at me with his pointy teeth. "Kids right. Cutting his head off didn't work, so I stabbed him in the heart. He's still kicking. Tough little bastard! I like him! Itachi can we keep him?"
"Kisame." Itachi reprimands the big blue fish-man, "We are here on business. Collect pets another time."
Itachi has Sasuke pinned to the wall by his throat. Sasuke's body is limp, his eyes closed. Tsukuyomi. Itachi trapped Sasuke in the Tsukuyomi while Kisame was toying with me. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't save him. I could barely survive myself.
This is what S-rank shinobi are capable of? How am I ever going to reach that level?
"Toad Mouth Bind!" Jiraya slams his hand on the ground, flesh covers everything. "Your business is finished. Nothing can escape this prison." The flesh walls cover Sasuke, shielding him from further harm.
Itachi turns to Jiraya. "We have overstayed our welcome. Kisame, let's leave. A battle with Jiraya will attract too much attention. Naruto, we will meet again."
"Bye Muffins! I'll bring you home with me next time!" Did... did Kisame just call me muffins?
Ripping their feet from the adhesive esophagus of a giant toad they flee down the hallway and out of our sight.
"It doesn't matter where you run!" Jiraya calls after them. "No one has ever escaped!" He turns to me. "Who are you again?"
BOOM
"Hold that thought." Jiraya runs down the path Itachi and Kisame took not five seconds ago. I let myself slump to the floor.
"Alvarcus?" Naruto asks me with concern, "You okay?"
"No. I'm not okay. I just had my head cut off and my heart destroyed by a S-ranked missing nin from Kiri while Itachi Uchiha gave him helpful pointers on how to kill me! How could I possibly be okay? And where the hell is Sasuke? If that wall ate him I'm killing Jiraya, Sannin be damned."
"Kid, you're fifty years too early to kill me." Jiraya is back. He must have already sealed up Amaterasu. "So Kisame really did cut your head off? And that heart on the ground is yours?"
"I'll tell you once I see Sasuke again."
Jiraya cancels his jutsu, Sasuke flops to the ground. I sigh.
"Yep. True on all accounts. Oi! Naruto! Leave my heart alone! Don't poke it with a stick! Where did you even find a stick? We're inside!"
"But how are you alive? If this is your heart, then shouldn't you be dead?" Naruto starts waving his hands worriedly. "Don't get me wrong! It's great you're alive!"
"Come on Naruto." I walk over to Sasuke and check his vitals. Everything is fine, but his heart rate is elevated. Most likely from the genjutsu. "You should be able to figure this out. Think back to when we fought Gaara. What we talked about at the ramen stand."
His face scrunches up in concentration. "Gah! I don't know! Tell me!"
"The Jiongu." I answer.
Jiraya's face becomes serious. Before he was friendly to me, now he is analyzing me. Observing, assessing how he would go about killing me.
"The thread monsters? I told you they have hearts in them. I did have five. Now I'm at four."
"Wait it can do that?" Naruto stops poking my heart with a stick to look at me. "You don't die if you have another heart? Dude that's so unfair."
Jiraya cuts into the conversation. "You're the other kid Orochimaru met in the forest." He is not playing around.
I give him my full attention, Sasuke isn't going anywhere.
"I am. Alvarcus Mar at your service. Winner of Konoha's Orochimaru look a like contest. Well, I used to look like him. The Jiongu really messed me up." Funny, I resort to dark humor when I'm nervous.
Jiraya goes pale. "You looked like him? Why did you look like him?"
"Did the Hokage not tell you about me? I'm an experiment that went right. Twice. He obviously gave me the Jiongu, and he did something to me when I was a fetus. It left an imprint, I was his spitting image for a long time. I don't have that problem now, the Jiongu changed me too much. Gotta say, I do miss the yellow eyes." I pause. "Or having eyes."
Naruto inhales sharply. "You don't have eyes? I just thought they were black!"
"Dude." I turn to Naruto. "You can't possibly have missed that. Solid black eyes made of threads? That is not normal."
"Show me." Jiraya demands.
I remove my sunglasses. Somehow they've stayed on the entire day, even through my beheading. Jiraya walks over, gently grabs my face and starts twisting me every which way to look at my eyes.
"Dynamic Entry!"
Jiraya goes flying down the hallway from a kick to the face.
"Fear not, student of my rival! Gai Might is here to save you!" Green body suit? Check. Bowl cut? Check. Weird way of talking? Check. Definitely Gai.
"Uh... Gai? That was Jiraya." I calmly tell him.
"HAHAHAHA! That was great! Do it again!" Naruto is on the floor laughing his ass off.
Jiraya walks back to us with a shoe imprint on his face. "That hurt."
"I am most sorry! I've come after Sasuke and Alvarcus. They left the village without permission to go after Itachi Uchiha. And well, you were holding him by the head." Gai bows deeply to Jiraya.
Why are all the super strong people weird? Will I be weird if I get to S-rank? I hope not.
"Apology accepted. Better safe than sorry. Sasuke's behind Alvarcus." Jiraya gestures towards Sasuke's limp body.
"Just like Kakashi. We haven't been able to wake him. Nothing we try works." Gai solemnly says.
"Kakashi-sensei got hit too?" I completely forgot he confronted Itachi. Sasuke never said anything about him being in the hospital. "You can't wake him up? Does that mean... they will wake up right? Please say yes. They're the only people I have left."
Gai's whole body slumps over in defeat. "I am sorry. I do not know."
"Don't worry kiddo." Jiraya pats me on the back, "Naruto and I are going to get the only person who can wake them up. We'll be back in Konoha in no time! So just go back with Gai and keep an eye on them for us."
"No. I am going with you. You're going after Tsunade. You want her to be the next Hokage." I will do everything I can to save Kakashi and Sasuke. I might have changed too much by replacing Naruto on team seven, he could already know the Rasengan. Then how will he convince Tsunade to stay in town and come back to be the Hokage?
"See Naruto?" Jiraya points at him, "He's something like an apprentice to me. I like him. I teach him, he's my responsibility. You're not. Why should I take you with us?"
"Naruto needs a variety when it comes to sparring. I can do that, I can be his sparing partner. I really doubt you and I have the same fighting style, the change will be good for him. I can also help bring Tsunade back. What's more interesting to a medic nin than someone who is alive with only two functioning organs? Not to mention the whole assimilating other people's hearts. She might come back just to study me."
"Fair point. She does like her strange medical cases." Jiraya concedes. "Why do you want to come with?"
"To convince her to save my team." I reply instantly, no hesitation.
"Not to get her to take the hat? That is the purpose of this mission." Jiraya asks.
"No. I don't care about that. I just want her to save my precious people. As of two days ago, they're all I have. If I can help either of my remaining family members you bet your damn ass I will do it permission or not!"
"Let him come." Naruto intervenes on my side. "It'll be nice having someone my own age around for a change. Besides, think of how much more time you can spend at the bath houses if he's there to keep me entertained."
"Maybe that's not such a bad idea after all. You can come." A lecherous grin forms on his face. "Just think of how much more time I can spend collecting research!"
"HOW YOUTHFUL! Such unshakable resolve!" Gai picks me up in a hug. "You've inspired me to assist Kakashi too! I will take on his share of missions until he is awake again! I leave bringing Tsunade back in your capable hands!" His eyes are tearing up. Not okay!
"Gai! I get it! Put me down! I am a shinobi! You don't pick shinobi up like rag dolls!" This is not okay!
"SUCH YOUTH!"
I kawarmi with Sasuke's unconscious form. "There. Take him back to Konoha for me will you?"
"Of course! I will complete this task!" Gai bolts out of the building and kicks up a dust storm as he races to Konoha. Thank Kami he's gone that was so embarrassing.
"We will never speak of that moment again." I demand.
Naruto snickers. "You mean when you were manhandled by Bushier Brows?"
"Yes." I growl out. "That."
"Not going to happen! Oh, I'm going to tell Ino! She'll love to hear this!"
"Naruto. Remember that monster that attacked Temari? And the one that helped you and Sasuke fight against Gaara?"
"Yeah those were cool! Creepy, but cool!"
"I will be using all three of them in our spars. From now to when we get back." Naruto's face drains of all color. "Unless you never bring this up again. Deal?"
"Deal!" Naruto readily agrees.
"Kid, I think you and I are going to get along just fine." Jiraya tells me. "Also, I'll be starting Naruto on an A-ranked jutsu on this trip. He won't have that much time for sparring." Jiraya pauses. "Just because I'm letting you come with us does not mean I'm going to teach you."
"Whatever." Its not like I need him to teach me, I have my own teachers. "I don't need your help anyways. I doubt you would know anything I couldn't figure out on my own given enough time."
"You... you do know who I am right?" Jiraya looks very confused. "People would kill to be taught by me!"
"Jiraya of the Sannin, Toad Summoner, Seal Master, writer. Anyways, I've already been offered to be trained by a Sannin and I turned him down. Why should I care if you want to teach me or not?"
Jiraya is completely serious now. "Orochimaru offered to train you? You turned him down?"
"Yeah. He didn't like that." I place a hand over the spot Orochimaru shoved his arm into me. "His response was to shove the Jiongu into my gut. You're taking rejection much better than him."
"Uh guys?" Naruto says. "I'm pretty sure people are going to come looking up here soon. We did just have a fight here and kinda trashed the place."
He's right, there is a gouge in the wall from Sasuke's Chidori, there are many different damages from my elemental chakra string sphere defense (Kami I need a better name for that) and even some deep rents in the walls, ceiling and floor from Samehada. Not to mention the giant hole in the wall from Itachi's Amaterasu.
"We've been here long enough. If the manager catches us, you're paying for the damages!" Jiraya scampers off.
"We better follow him. He does this a lot." Naruto says.
"This is going to be a long trip, isn't it?" I say to myself and follow after Jiraya and Naruto.
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