Disgust.
That is all what I am feeling right now.
I like being in a world of imagination, free from the limits of the physical world, living as boundless and free as I deem fit.
Being in my room, in my safe zone, I could get lost in my thoughts or be completely immersed in a manga or a novel or a series.
Doesn't that seem nice? To magically become a ninja who becomes the hokage, defying all odds or be a pirate, navigating the treacherous waters all in hope of finding an unknown treasure out there.
I could be all those things, right from my bedroom. Imagination doesn't care about the fact whether you're from a third world country or living in a well developed country.
It's still the same for everyone, you can be anything you want to be. It doesn't care about your race, age or gender.
That's why we all dream at night, a place where we go for mental relief and escape whatever trials we have faced in the physical world.
In our dreams, we could do anything—be anything we want. Have a girlfriend if you have never had one, be a star, an important figure, a king and also roam around in beautiful worlds.
We're shown and taken to beautiful worlds that when we wake up to reality, we always groan because we know the truth.
Reality is restraining and ugly.
That's why when we wake up and can't really go back to sleep, we find a way back to that place where our imagination takes us.
That one secret place only known to each and every one of us. Since we know we can't sleep, we desperately find our way back to that place unlike when it comes to us when we sleep.
Isn't that why they call it day dreaming?
Since we know we have that power to do the impossible, with our minds, we can break through the walls of reality and cross into the other world of paper or screen.
With each step the character takes, we walk with them. Each breath they take, we breath in with them.
Whenever they are happy, we share the same feeling with them. Whenever they are sad, we feel for them too and when the happy ending comes for them, we feel extremely happy with a pint of envy.
Envy, you might wonder why? Why would I want to be envious of someone I would be happy for?
Well, that's because we wish our lives were like theirs. We wish we are as beautiful, handsome, curvy, well built, smart or rich as they are. We want what we can't get—their looks, relationships, reputation.
That's why we always hope time would go fast whenever we are in a class or at work or doing whatever exhausting thing there is to have a quiet time and dive right back into that fictional work.
And that's why you see people say or comment things like...
"I wish I had a girlfriend like XXXX" or
"I wish I was born in XXXX world"
And we're also envious of them because we know one thing, one truth we all can't deny no matter how we try our hardest to.
Once that story ends, we return back to our harsh reality as their journey with us finally ends.
Even though our imagination might still help us of them, feeding us based on our memories of them. It wouldn't be the same as when we were journeying with them.
And that's why when I don't like the way a story or an element in the story turns out, I get this feeling in me.
I don't know what I could call it but it's somewhere there between anger, frustration and disgust.
So why do I feel disgusted?
I glanced at the title chapter. The previous chapters had been insane, my heart was really pounding in excitement as my thumb swiped upwards.
The pounding in my chest quickly turned into a gentle, calm beat as I landed on the last page. The story had been amazingly well but here it was—ending with a whimper.
I was appalled by what I saw, a feeling welling up in me, making my blood run cold.
What the hell? How the fuck is this the end?
"Maybe there's a problem with my browser" I mumbled, my voice filled with denial.
I swipe the screen up to see if there are pages left to read but all I can see are comments, mirroring my thoughts
I reload and scroll down to see if there are extra pages. No extra page.
Reload. No page.
Just the home button.
A deep sigh escaped my lips as my eyes were buried in my palm.
Disappointment. That's all I could feel right now.
I was reading My Hero Academia's last chapter and I thought the end would be something amazing, like Midoriya becoming the number one hero after he said that at the beginning of the story.
Instead Midoriya is all washed up and quirkless, no different from the way he started. The author really did him dirty with that conclusion.
For this to be one of the mangas I started with, the ending is quite disappointing.
I sat slouched on the couch, rubbing my temples as I put the phone away.
I shouldn't really get all worked up over someone's work, it is kinda disrespectful to them.
Even though, I still feel some type of way about it. The intense pounding in my chest, with each pulse laced with frustration was sure proof of how I felt as a reader.
I watched Midoriya and the others grow from the first chapter, I saw him grow from a weak crybaby to a strong crybaby. I rooted for him when he fought against every villain and adversity that came his way.
I could say I was his companion, a friend or like a family member cause I watched him grow but he just had to disappoint me.
He didn't become the number one hero, not a legend, nothing. Just a teacher.
He didn't even get with Uraraka at the end of the series. Oh my heart, he couldn't even bag any chick at the end of the day.
Ah shit, I can feel my heart pounding once more.
A sigh escaped my mouth, as I exhaled all the frustration away. "I wish I was in that world, I would have done things differently and be a better character"
At the end of the day, I had to relax.
It was just a work of art, I shouldn't really be worked up over it. Besides it's not really Midoriya's fault is it?
I mean there's an author who's dictating his every movement and pattern with each panel and dialogue. It's not like they are in the real world.
I got up sluggishly, trying not to think much about it. "I should probably play a game to get it off my mind."
My vision blurred with the first step I took. 'what the hell? Is it because I've been sitting for a long time?'
Stopping in my tracks, I tried to steady myself. Palming my face and taking in deep breaths, I tried to calm myself. It all felt weird.
My eyes instinctively went to my hands—they were shaking.
'what the fu-'
A sharp pain shot through my chest. I fell on my knees, clenching my chest as though it was my heart.
The world kept spinning around me as I tried to balance myself, rest on anything I could find. My breaths were quick and shallow, my chest tightening as the air was heavy all around me.
I stumbled forward, as I tried reaching out to the door. I had never felt so near but so far to something. The pain in my chest spiked and-
Everything became black.
———
My eyes opened as I got up from the floor, the place was unnaturally still. Silence cloaked the entire room, pressing against my ears.
The heavy curtains covering the windows blocked out any hint of time. Judging by the stillness, I'm guessing past midnight.
How did I sleep till this time? I couldn't remember much.
"Hello." A voice called out, pulling me out of my thoughts.
I slowly turned to where the voice was coming from—a girl in an overflowing white cloak. She was ethereal. Her stretched wings glowing, brightening the room.
Her face looked so pure and innocent but her eyes, quite lifeless and scary.
Who is this person? Besides how did you get into my room? Taking a step back, I tried to call out for help but the words failed to come out.
"You are dead"
Those words stopped me in my tracks. What did she just say right now?
"I just said you're dead." She said as she moved gracefully towards me. Her feet lightly touching the floor as she walked to me. "I don't really have much time for this, there are other people to meet. You died and your sins would be judged."
I tried to talk but no sounds came forth. Words remained stuck in my chest. A wave of anxiety washed over me as the world around me began to shift.
This could only be a dream. I'm sure of it, with everything going on.
"No, this is not a dream." The lady said, pointing to something behind me.
Instinctively, my eyes slowly followed her finger to the direction she pointed to and I saw it.
Dark skin.
Yellow eyes.
Hair split evenly between light blond and green
A hand stretched towards the door—frozen mid-reach .
It was me.
Then it suddenly hit me—the memories of me reading the manga, complaining about it, the heart attack.
I could feel myself scream as I fell to the ground but all my ears could pick up was silence. If this was a dream, I would want to wake up any time soon.
"This is not a dream." She repeated as a scroll appeared in her hands. "I know you won't accept the reality but it'll be easier and better for you to do so."
So it is real. I actually did die.
In such a pathetic manner.
But...
How did she know what was in my head? I didn't actually say anything. Tracing my fingers around my face, I couldn't feel my lips. I didn't have a mouth.
Recounting things that happened since I gained consciousness, it wasn't hard to figure out—this being could read my mind.
She walked over to me, her eyes still on the scroll as she phased through the furniture like it was never there. "Azaria Bamiloye. 17. Male." She took a quick glance at me, one filled with contempt. "You have committed some sins. Lying, fornicating, lusting, stealing and a lot more to blame and also, shaming one's work."
Shaming? What do you mean by that? It does make me sound like a bully or a heartless person.
"You had the guts to criticize someone's work when you haven't made an attempt." She said as she rolled the scroll up before it faded away. "You shamed one's work, shaming the talent that was given to the person. Indirectly, you shamed thou which bestowed the talent."
Huh?
I was confused.
If i felt a work was done badly, wasn't I supposed to call it for how it was?
And she's talking about me criticizing, I didn't even make a comment about the story.
This is not even fair at all. But wait, am I defending the last sin while I have a whole bunch in front of me?
"Since you can shame one's work like you're any better than them. You would spend the rest of your days in their work as your punishment." She pointed to me and I felt something swallow me up instantly.
———
My eyes slowly opened up. My head throbbed with a dull ache, my chest felt tight like something had been squeezed out of me.
My body ached with each movement as I forced myself to sit. It felt like I was dragged around by a sports car. My vision flickered, the world around me still fuzzy.
Then it hit me like a punch to my guts. I was longer in my room.
I was no longer in my world.
Instead, I was rest on the cold, damp wall of a dimly lit room. Stone walls loomed around me, slick with moisture. The air was heavy and thick with a tint of something metallic.
A single doorway that towered over me, its long iron bars seeming to reach to the heavens as the shadow fell on me like skeletal fingers, trapping me.
My head spun again, nausea was rising as I tried to get on my feet. The air was choking me, threatening to force out the contents in my stomach.
I leaned against the wall for support. Panic bubbled up in my throat as I tried to walk.
Each step resulted to a sharp pain jolting throughout my body, I was almost close to the door when my legs gave way to the pain.
I collapsed onto my side, my temple slamming against the cold stone floor. A wave of searing pain washed over me, and my vision blurred.
My body was too fragile to keep fighting
Footsteps echoed down the hallway. Slow. Deliberate.
My heart raced, pounding against my ribs like a caged animal. Anxiety stiffened my already weakened body.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't move.
Like a lamb waiting to be slaughtered.
I was on the floor, waiting for whatever was coming.
Isn't it quite sad to die and come to back to life almost dead again?
I tried to at least fight the fear of closing my eyes.
The footsteps stopped directly in front of me. I could see the black boots and clothes but their face was masked in darkness.
"Glad to see you're awake,"the figure said, their voice dripping with menace. "That makes things even better for us."