John Snow leaned back in his rickety chair, a mountain of scrolls and ledgers piled high on the table before him. His dorm room was now more "office of a madman" than a student's living quarters. Parchments detailing dungeon locations, market prices, and the Academy's salary charts for hunters were scattered everywhere.
"All right, John," he muttered to himself, twirling a quill between his fingers. "If I can't look good, and I clearly can't win fights without divine intervention, I'll do the next best thing—make so much money no one will dare laugh at me again."
A loud knock interrupted his thoughts.
"Snow, open up!" a familiar voice called.
John sighed, rubbing his temples before trudging to the door. Kara, Lucas, and Brant stood on the other side, each holding an expression that screamed trouble.
"Can I help you, my freeloading associates?" John asked, crossing his arms.
"Freeloading?!" Kara snapped. "We're your team!"
"And yet I don't recall seeing a team discount when you split the last dungeon loot," John shot back.
"That's because you took all the good stuff," Lucas grumbled.
"Excuse me," John said, pointing at himself. "Did any of you have the guts to plunge a shovel into the Slime King's disgusting gelatinous core? No? Didn't think so."
"Anyway," Kara cut in, clearly trying to avoid an argument, "we came to talk about our next dungeon raid."
"Ah," John said, rubbing his hands together. "Let me guess—you need my strategic brilliance and unparalleled charm to lead the way again?"
"Not exactly," Brant replied, smirking. "We were hoping you'd just... stay out of the way."
The "New Plan"
The team gathered around the central training grounds to discuss their next move. John had begrudgingly tagged along, mainly because he'd heard rumors of a hidden treasure chest in the dungeon they were planning to explore.
"So, here's the plan," Kara began, pointing to a crude map spread out on a stone table. "The dungeon has three main chambers. We split into pairs, clear each chamber, then regroup for the boss."
"Sounds solid," Lucas said.
"And efficient," Brant added.
"And stupid," John chimed in.
Kara pinched the bridge of her nose. "What's wrong with it now, John?"
"Simple," John replied, tapping the map with exaggerated flair. "Splitting up reduces our collective combat power, increases the risk of traps, and—most importantly—leaves me with fewer opportunities to loot!"
"This isn't about looting!" Kara snapped.
"It's always about looting," John shot back.
Brant rolled his eyes. "All right, genius. What's your better plan?"
John grinned. "I'm so glad you asked. Picture this: we let the skeletons go first, clear out the traps, and—"
"No," Kara interrupted.
"Let me finish!"
"No."
"But—"
"Still no."
The Ugly Merchant
Frustrated with his team's lack of appreciation, John decided to take matters into his own hands. As the others prepared for the dungeon, he wandered into the city, a plan forming in his head.
The bustling market was alive with the clamor of merchants hawking their wares and buyers haggling over prices. John, however, wasn't there to shop—he was there to sell.
Setting up a small wooden crate as his makeshift stall, he began unloading his "exclusive wares."
"Step right up, folks!" John shouted, waving his arms dramatically. "Feast your eyes on the rarest, most powerful magical artifacts in the city!"
A small crowd began to gather, drawn in by his enthusiasm.
"What's this?" an elderly man asked, pointing to a cracked vial of green liquid.
"Ah, my good sir!" John exclaimed. "This is no ordinary vial. It's a Potion of Slimification! Drink it, and you'll transform into a slime to evade enemies!"
"Does it work?"
"Of course it works!" John lied, slapping a price tag on it. "And for you, only five silvers!"
The man hesitated but handed over the coins.
One by one, John sold off his "inventory"—a mix of dungeon scraps, expired potions, and even a skeleton's tooth he claimed belonged to a dragon.
By the time the market guards showed up to investigate the commotion, John had already packed up and slipped away, his pouch jingling with newfound wealth.
A Dungeon Debacle
John rejoined the team just as they entered the dungeon, his mood significantly improved by his earlier success.
"You're late," Kara said, narrowing her eyes.
"Fashionably," John replied, flashing a toothy grin.
The dungeon was a damp, eerie labyrinth of stone corridors and flickering torches. The air was thick with the stench of decay, which only made John feel more at home.
The first chamber was filled with low-tier goblins. As the team prepared to charge, John stepped forward.
"Wait," he said, raising a hand. "Let me handle this."
"You?" Lucas asked, skeptical.
John grinned, summoning three skeleton warriors. "Watch and learn, my friends. Watch and learn."
The skeletons charged at the goblins with all the coordination of drunken chickens. One tripped over its own feet, another swung its sword wildly and missed, and the third got tangled in a cobweb.
"Impressive," Kara said dryly.
"Hey, they're a work in progress!" John snapped.
The Treasure Hunt
As the team cleared the dungeon, John's focus remained on his real goal: the rumored treasure chest. He lagged behind the group, poking at walls and examining floor tiles for hidden mechanisms.
"What are you doing?" Brant finally asked.
"Uh... checking for traps," John said, feigning innocence.
"You're not fooling anyone," Kara said, crossing her arms. "You're looking for treasure, aren't you?"
John froze, then sighed. "Fine. Yes. Happy?"
"Unbelievable," she muttered.
"Hey, treasure is important!" John argued. "Think of the potential benefits! Gold for better gear, rare items to help us in battle—"
"And let me guess," Lucas interrupted, "you'd keep all of it for yourself?"
"Not all of it," John said defensively. "Just... most of it."
The Chest
Against all odds, John's persistence paid off. In a hidden alcove near the final chamber, he discovered an ornate chest covered in dust.
"Jackpot," he whispered, his eyes gleaming.
As he reached for the chest, a faint click echoed through the room.
"Uh-oh," he muttered.
The floor beneath him gave way, and he plummeted into a pit filled with slime.
"Seriously?!" he shouted, flailing wildly.
The rest of the team arrived just in time to see John struggling in the pit.
"Let me guess," Kara said, smirking. "You found the trap instead of the treasure."
"Help me out already!" John yelled.
The team burst into laughter, taking their time before finally pulling him out.
As John sat on the floor, covered in slime and fuming, he muttered, "This is fine. I didn't want that stupid chest anyway."
But as the others walked away, he glanced back at the pit and whispered, "I'll be back for you, treasure. Mark my words."