**author note**** This book is fictional, all people in it are fictional. I hope you like this journey!

My name is Evelyn and today I woke up and my bed was still covered with a load of laundry that I needed to fold two days ago.

My husband slept on the couch because of it, and I fell asleep at some point after putting the kids to bed yesterday, but I don't remember when. I don't remember the last time I ever really wore pajamas, I just sleep in my clothes usually.

I'm only 27 but I've been in a midlife crisis for 10 years now. Maybe by now it's gotten really bad, but maybe it was that way ten years ago.

Today is Sunday, but I didn't go to church. They've been wondering where I was for a few months now.

I managed to clean yesterday before my kids trashed it again. Now I woke up and nearly slipped on a shirt that fell to the floor and gave a sigh. So much work to do. When was the last time I took a bath? Maybe I should take a bath.

Despite having lots of things to do, I entered the bath and sat there for about an hour. Today is meant to be a cleaning day. I've recently taken up the project of going through everything in the house to see what I have to get rid of because my mother-in-law is going to be coming for Christmas in 12 days. She's going to want to see everything spotless because she cleans houses for a living and thus pays attention to all of the details.

They aren't going to be coming to celebrate Christmas like you would think. I'm not going to be hosting really. She is probably going to expect us to take work off, fill our empty pantry with food we can't afford, deep clean everything and when she gets here, she is going to put my husband and her husband to work finishing our basement.

I won't have control over my house for two weeks.

While she is here, she decides what we eat, what my kids do, and I'm guessing that my husband won't let me complain. Worst of all, nobody will let me isolate when I need to and that is the hardest part. The judgement.

Why am I this way? Why am I not happy to have the life I always wanted? Why am I not content when I want to be? I wake up in a house I own, I have two cars, 3 televisions, three kids, I believe in my religion, I buy what I want, eat what I want, and work my dream job.

I don't have money to exactly do what I want. I haven't paid the water bill yet and our security camera company that we probably shouldn't have signed a contract with, they call about three times a day because they want me to pay them.

I really will pay them, I just need to pay the water bill first and the mortgage is due and those come first. Then everything that has late fees or might bounce when the autopay hits, those come next. And then the alarm company. That's just how it is with me.

Yesterday I got my dishes done.

Still, I am disappointed.

I have been disappointed since I was four years old I think, disappointed that this is my life. This was even before I got taken by the state, back when I was happy, when I was with my birth mom. I naturally saw things and questioned them. Even when things aren't so bad I question them. Why? All I can think is I must be despicable.

The midlife crisis I'm in all started when I was 17 and I had to testify in court against my father. The whole neighborhood found out when I called the cops, and maybe that is why I struggle now at church to belong. Because in church they say not to have sex outside of marriage, and I was unlucky enough to be abused, and never saw it coming. My one place of refuge in life was shattered to pieces because my facade of being perfect wasn't enough for me. I needed to get out. I needed to tell someone. I'm glad I did. But then, the grieving started.

I grieved every day since, the loss of myself when I got adopted. I was 8 back then. For a girl, that's not a good age to be adopted by a man. I can tell you that I was against being put in that home it the whole time, but they said I had to. We had been in too many homes for us to have a choice. I got a vibe when I met him but how can an eight year old understand that?

The papers were signed and my name was changed forever.

These thoughts ran through my mind again as I sat there in the bath today, I was wanting to get stuff done and wondering why I can't quit being depressed.

Maybe my husband will leave me someday if I can't learn how to clean this house and smile like I did when I was a kid. I was very good at it. I smiled a lot. To the point that people thought I was a naive girl. I just went with it. Why can't I do that now?

I should get out of the bath. It is cold now, but I don't. I haven't done anything but sit here and I haven't washed my hair so I added more hot water. Hot enough to burn my feet which lay under the faucet, but I don't care. The cold water needs a bit of balance.

Then I hear my kids cry. Time to get up and attend to them. Despite my best efforts, they have anxiety like I do and they are sensitive to me hesitating to get them out of their rooms, so I throw on some clothes and go to change their diapers.

This is a day where I will probably clean. But I won't get to everything. I'll continue on in fear that my mother in law will have something to say about that when she comes.

Where will my life go from here? When will I ever learn not to be so despicable?