It's been 2 months since I got off a 16-hour flight and stepped foot on a strange land, thousands of miles away from Beijing. Occassionally I would still scream and wake up from nightmares. I took refuge beneath the blankets, curling into a ball at the corner of the bed, trembling. It was some time before I could gather myself. Then I sat on the edge of the bed, gazing vacantly into the distance, waiting for the dawn to assure me, "Don't be scared, a new chapter is starting. You're not in Beijing anymore, and you, you're safe now."
How It All Began
In 2017, I graduated with my master's from the UK and, at my parents' strong urging, turned down job offers in London to start my career at a state-owned investment firm in Beijing. I grew up in a small town in Southwest China and, thanks to a blend of luck and hard work, managed to study abroad before returning to Beijing to land a lucrative job and earn a Beijing residency permit, something highly sought-after in the country. To my parents, this journey of mine isn't just comforting; it's a story of ambition and success they proudly share with relatives and friends.Beneath the surface of all the celebration, I harbored a deep concern. During my days studying in London, I had grown accustomed to proudly declaring my identity as a gay man. Yet, even in Beijing, a city known for its openness and international vibe, being gay was still considered a taboo, akin to a "mental illness" by the conservative standards of state-owned enterprises and government officials. Perhaps I could let loose in the gay bars of Sanlitun and the embassy district on weekend nights, but for 90% of my time in Beijing, I found myself forced back into the closet, keeping silent, and spending every day creatively dodging questions about my personal life from inquisitive leaders who held sway over my privacy.Despite these challenges, I remained generally optimistic. I told myself to work hard, believing that once I had accumulated enough experience and persuaded my parents, I could leave Beijing again. By then, I'd have enhanced my skills and saved some money, perhaps even entertaining the hope of starting anew in London, Paris, or New York. However, reality is always more complicated.Lunatics in Prison
From day one on the job, things felt off. Though I was hired as an investment analyst, I didn't come across any actual transaction documents. Instead, my introduction was political training. Despite not being a member of the Communist Party, nor having any intention of joining, I was still required to study the party's history and analyze speeches from party leaders, just like everyone else. For the next two years, I didn't see a single deal come to fruition. My job skills stagnated, and my days were zombielike, filled with administrative tasks. Securing approvals and signatures from superiors became my most crucial KPI.Even more bizarrely, I frequently encountered several middle-aged colleagues in the office who appeared to be mentally unwell. They spent their working hours roaming on the hallways, talking to themselves at their desks, or, at times, launching into tirades against new employees. Oddly enough, the leadership seemed indifferent to their presence. They blended into the background as if they never existed, and yet somehow everywhere all at once.Unable to contain my curiosity, I turned to a colleague who had been in the company a few years longer than me for an explanation. He shared that these individuals might have once been "normal," but some "life event" had led to their current state. Despite this, the company would never fire them. "That's the beauty of being 'inside the system," my colleague said with a hint of pride. Once you're under the government's wing, you're part of the system. As long as you comply, avoid politically sensitive mistakes, and don't break the law, they won't dismiss you. Job performance is the least of concerns here. And when you get older, your pension will be much higher than those outside the system. That's why in China, everyone is desperate to get a job within the system!I couldn't care less about his unintentional boasting. What kept intriguing me was the reason behind. Why did they become mentally unwell in the first place? What are those "life events"? These questions added another layer of perplexion to this corporate abyss. And I spent days thinking about them, not knowing that I would nearly become part of these office lunatics in the near future.Secret Sex in the Room
My passion for work vanished over time. What lied ahead was a visible, yet comfortable glass ceiling. Certain was the fact that I could literally keep zooming out 6 hours every day for a few decades at my work desk, deliever few, and enjoy a relatively cozy life in this grand capital city and then calmfully await my death.Yet as I was still in my 20s, I couldn't resist the boredom at work and thus started looking for something exciting during work hours. Sitting in an empty office onday after work hours, I secretly opened Blued (a Chinese version of Grindr) with an empty profile, and started scrolling to find my comrades, deeply hidden in the closet, suppressed and obscured by the mainstream value, in the center of power.No one was there.Perplexed, I packed myself and headed downstairs to the company's own gym. The gym was well-equipped, and free for employees. It was the only thing for me to shift attention and find joy in this prison-like buidling.It was a leg day and I sweat a lot. But it was comforting to feel a sore muscle. I headed to the shower room and stripped myself. I gazed into the mirror, examining the definition of different parts of my body.Two rows of individual shower stalls lined the walls, each meant for private use. As I was about to step into one, I caught sight of a shower with its door wide open. Water was spraying erratically from the showerhead. Inside, an unfamiliar colleague stood under the stream, deliberately leaving the door open as he soaped his body. As I passed by, I quickly glanced over, only to meet his gaze. He looked about my age, with a clean-cut face and defined muscles. My heart started to pound, and I quickly turned my face away, pretending I hadn't seen anything. But a moment later, curiosity got the better of me, and I looked back, finding him staring directly at me. His expression was blank, but his eyes sent a signal that was anything but simple.At that moment, my heart was pounding faster than it does when I squat. Instinct took over as I maintained a blank expression, slowly closing the gap between us. The showerhead's spray started to hit me as I stepped inside. He was still as a statue. After a brief moment of tension, we both cracked a small smile and chuckled softly. The air, once heavy, seemed to start moving again. He reached out and swiftly shut the door behind me.[to be continued]