The royal menagerie, as it turned out, was less "majestic wonderland of mythical creatures" and more "apocalyptic madhouse waiting to happen."
"Is... is that hydra eating a cart full of potatoes?" Jasper asked as they approached the gates.
"Yes," Prunella replied flatly.
"And is that the gardener in the cart?"
"Possibly."
Jasper took a step back. "You know what? I think I left my bravery back in Bumblestone. Maybe I should—"
"Master Tamer!" a harried-looking man in robes rushed up to him. "Thank goodness you're here! We're barely holding this place together!"
"Don't call me that," Jasper said quickly. "I'm not actually a—"
"Ah, nonsense! You'll be brilliant!" The man grabbed Jasper's arm and began dragging him inside. Prunella followed, smirking.
The interior of the menagerie was chaos incarnate. In one corner, a phoenix was pecking angrily at a smoldering pile of hay. In another, a basilisk was playing what appeared to be a very intense game of chess with a terrified servant.
And in the middle of it all stood a massive wyvern, chewing on the remains of what had probably once been a grand statue of the king.
"This is fine," Jasper muttered to himself. "This is all fine. Everything's on fire, but it's fine."
"Right," Prunella said, clapping him on the back. "Let's see what you're made of."
"I'm made of bad decisions and an overwhelming desire to go home," Jasper replied, but no one was listening.
The first challenge was the phoenix, which was now perched on a scorched beam, glaring at them.
"Firebirds are temperamental creatures," Prunella explained. "You'll need to assert dominance."
Jasper stared at her. "Assert dominance? It's a bird made of fire!"
"Exactly." She handed him a broom. "Good luck."
Grumbling, Jasper approached the phoenix cautiously. "Uh, hello there, fiery... uh, friend. I'm just going to... uh, sweep this up, and—"
The phoenix squawked and shot a fireball at his feet.
"Okay, plan B," Jasper said, tossing the broom aside. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a leftover piece of cheese from his lunch. "You like cheese?"
The phoenix tilted its head, considering. Then, to Jasper's surprise, it hopped down and snatched the cheese from his hand.
"Huh. I think it worked!" Jasper turned to Prunella, grinning.
Behind him, the phoenix belched a plume of smoke and promptly set the hayloft on fire again.
"...Mostly worked," he amended.
Next up was the hydra, which had somehow managed to wedge all six of its heads into the potato cart.
"Any advice for this one?" Jasper asked.
"Don't lose your head," Prunella said, smirking at her own joke.
"Helpful," Jasper muttered. He approached the hydra carefully. "Hey, uh, big guy? You want to maybe stop eating the royal food supply?"
One of the heads turned toward him, its mouth full of mashed potatoes. It growled.
Jasper held up his hands. "Okay, okay. No need to get bitey. How about we make a deal? You let go of the cart, and I'll... uh..."
He trailed off, digging through his pockets. All he had left was a crumpled piece of paper and a small bottle of something labeled Dragon Pepper Sauce—Use With Caution.
"Here, try this!" he said, holding out the bottle.
The hydra sniffed it suspiciously, then snatched it up. All six heads took a sip at the same time.
For a moment, nothing happened. Then, all six heads began coughing and wheezing, smoke pouring from their nostrils. The hydra let out a pitiful whimper and bolted for the nearest water trough, upending it in its haste to cool down.
Jasper turned to Prunella, grinning. "See? Problem solved."
Prunella raised an eyebrow. "You gave it hot sauce?"
"It worked, didn't it?"
"...Fair enough."
By the end of the day, Jasper was covered in soot, feathers, and what he really hoped wasn't basilisk drool.
"That wasn't so bad," he said, collapsing onto a bench.
"That was the easy part," Prunella replied, smirking. "Tomorrow, we deal with the dragon."
Jasper groaned. "I hate my life."
From the corner, Sir Hoofenstein bleated in agreement.
Jasper's dreams that night were filled with dragons, phoenixes, and a very angry wyvern demanding to be let into the local tavern. When he woke up, he was almost relieved to find the creatures weren't real, even though the pile of feathers and burnt hay in the corner of the menagerie reminded him that yesterday's chaos wasn't a nightmare—it was his new reality.
Prunella was already waiting by the stables, looking every bit the professional beast-tamer—her armor was shiny, her posture perfect, and she was holding a large, questionable-looking map.
"Ready for the next one?" she asked with an enthusiasm that could only come from someone who clearly enjoyed watching other people suffer.
Jasper glanced over at the menagerie, where the hydra was now sleeping off its pepper-induced heartburn and the phoenix was sulking in a corner, sulking even more fiercely now that its favorite hay had been charred beyond recognition.
"Do I have a choice?" Jasper asked, trying to push the lingering feelings of impending doom out of his head.
"Nope!" Prunella replied, practically skipping over to a cage where an enormous, glowing figure was pacing back and forth. "Meet Thraxus. The royal dragon."
Jasper froze. There, in the pen, was the largest, most intimidating dragon he had ever seen—or at least, he hoped it was the only one. Thraxus's scales were obsidian black, almost shimmering in the sunlight, and its eyes glowed like molten lava. It looked like something straight out of his worst childhood nightmares, and it had the kind of firepower that could vaporize a village with a sneeze.
"Uh, can't we just... leave it in the cage?" Jasper suggested weakly.
"Ha! No," Prunella said, holding up a leash with an eager grin. "Your job is to tame it. Royal decree, remember?"
Jasper's hands went to his pockets, but he already knew—nothing in there would save him now.
"Right, so what's the plan?" he asked. "Do we offer it some cheese? Maybe throw some spicy sauce at it?"
"No, we don't want to anger it further," Prunella said, looking over her shoulder at the dragon's glowing eyes. "We need to assert dominance. You've dealt with the hydra and the phoenix. This one should be a walk in the park."
"A walk in the park?" Jasper repeated, his voice rising. "Have you seen this thing? It's a walking disaster waiting to happen. It could burn me into a crispy potato in seconds!"
Prunella shrugged. "It could, yes. But that's why you're here. To tame it."
"Right," Jasper muttered, looking around for anything that might help. The only thing he could find was a bucket of leftover potato mash and what appeared to be some very stale bread. "Okay, I've got two ideas. First, we feed it this, and second..." He looked down at his feet, where Sir Hoofenstein was standing proudly, munching on a pile of hay. "We use the goat to distract it. I mean, who doesn't love a goat?"
Prunella's eyes lit up at the idea. "I like the goat part. But, uh, I'd advise against feeding it potato mash. Dragons tend to get picky about their food. We might end up with a flaming pile of mashed potatoes instead."
"Good point," Jasper said, then turned to his goat. "Hoofie, come here. You're on distraction duty." The goat ignored him, continuing to chew on a bundle of hay like it was the greatest thing in the world.
"Maybe you should try asserting dominance over that," Prunella suggested, crossing her arms.
"Right, because I have the skill set to domesticate a goat," Jasper muttered. "This is so not how I imagined my life going."
Prunella sighed. "Listen, you've got this. Just walk in there, give it a little pat on the head, maybe throw it a treat or two..."
"Great. And if that doesn't work, I'll just start a fire and roast myself," Jasper said, not particularly joking.
"Exactly," Prunella said, not even flinching. "Let's go!"
Jasper stepped toward the dragon's cage, his heart pounding in his chest. He wasn't sure if he was more terrified of the dragon or of the fact that he was probably going to make a fool of himself in front of everyone.
"Hey, big guy," he said, swallowing hard as the dragon's massive eyes tracked his every move. "I come in peace. Um... could we, maybe, talk about... a truce?"
The dragon snorted, a small puff of smoke escaping from its nostrils. It stared at him for a long moment, and for a second, Jasper thought it was considering eating him.
"Not today, pal," he muttered, stepping forward cautiously, holding out a chunk of bread. "I've got snacks, okay? You like snacks, right?"
The dragon didn't react at first. But then, to Jasper's surprise, it sniffed the air and made a low rumble. It wasn't a growl... more like a... yawn? Could dragons even yawn?
Before Jasper could think any further, the dragon bent its massive head toward the bread, sniffing it, then inhaling it in one swift motion. It paused. Then, to his horror, it started sniffing around the ground like it had missed something.
"No, no, no," Jasper muttered, stepping back. "That wasn't part of the deal."
Just then, Sir Hoofenstein, who had decided that now was the perfect moment to play his role, dashed past him, straight into the dragon's path.
The dragon's attention snapped to the goat, who was happily munching away on the hay that had been left in the corner of the cage. The dragon's eyes widened in what Jasper could only describe as absolute delight.
"Well, this is either going to be amazing or terrifying," Jasper muttered, watching as the dragon lowered its head and started circling the goat, inspecting it curiously.
Then, as if on cue, the dragon opened its mouth—only to sneeze a massive fireball into the air.
Jasper yelped, diving for cover. "Oh, come on! Can't a guy just... never mind."
Prunella appeared at the gate, looking entirely unfazed. "It's working, right? You've got the dragon's attention."
"I've got everything's attention," Jasper muttered as Hoofenstein bleated triumphantly, oblivious to the fact that he was now the most dangerous goat in the kingdom.
"Good," Prunella said. "You're halfway there."
"Halfway?!" Jasper shouted, barely keeping his sanity intact. "This isn't a tame animal, it's a disaster on four legs!"
"Well," Prunella said, "you wanted adventure."
Jasper shot her a look. "I was trying to be a potato farmer, remember?"