Boom! Pow! Smack! And other sounds you can't trance back to my love life. Sup Dinkleberg! I'm Ethan Deez,
Ethan deez NUTS!
Nah i'm kidding, i just don't know where to start. Alright name, name, name... (See what i did there), hey, Ethan came first so let's go with that.
And i'm, the strongest man in the world!
Or woman? i don't know, what's the politically correct thing to say??
Beats me, you can call me black superman. Cause i got all his powers minus the whole brooding and chivalry thing. That word's alot, 'chivalry'. Aaagh, i'm getting sidetracked again.
Anywho, this is my tale. A tale of valor, integrity and whatever other big word comes to you first.
naaaaah, that sounds draining. Can we just talk about my first day at the hero association?
Cause i tell ya, for a first year they really rolled out the red carpet.
LIGHTS! CAMERA!! COFFEE!!!
I'm a pretty big deal y'know. Big as they come anyway, cause i've been the world's strongest hero since i was born.
"A real chip off the ol' block," My dad used to say, that moocher.
Parasitic parents aside though, i wasn't kidding about that whole strongest guy in the world thing.
When i was born there was a goddamn blackout, pigs were flying and monkey's tried to overthrow the government! Or was it chickens. I don't know either way i'm certain the government's decision to put a brick in the oval office rubbed alotta people the wrong way.
Where was i? Oh, yeah, hero association, born and stuff.
So these guys have a metre which they use to gauge people's latent psychic abilities and what not and--
Do you really wanna hear this, cause i'm getting bored just talking about it.
In fact i guarantee you're bored. Why don't we switch topics, and talk about this really HAWT babe in the hero association. She's like hero number 2 (heh, number 2) in the world and stuff. And while that body be fire bro, and i mean literally her latent psychic power is elemental fire something. She can also be a total B--
Where was i? Right, first day at the hero association.
In case you can't tell i have ADHD brain, so forgive me if i'm hopping from one place to the other more than a jacked up Kangaroo on cocaine. But i do have to get through this one way or the other i guess.
So, my first day at the association!
It was a cold stormy night, the wolves , "arouuu!" (i don't know, what's the word for that sound?) echoed the streets, though, not really cause i live in the city but you get it, dramatic effect and stuff.
I rolled up in a limousine, yeah i'm boujee like that i know you feel me.
And the press was like all up in my face.
"ULTRA! ULTRA! PICTURE PLEASE!" these reporter dudes shouted to my face.
I had been a vigilante all my life, the type too powerful that even though the FBI had me on their watchlist they never actually went after me, cause yknow, pew! pew! dead.
ANYWAY! My joining the hero association was a big deal. I had been practicing heroism for years without a license now and i finally caved in.
23 years and my virginity was gone, like, that! That was a weird thing to say, look it's only awkward if you make it awkward okay.
So the big boss dude, hero number 3 (doesn't have the same ring to it as number 2), made a big ol' deal about signing me up. Something about keeping in check a rebellious teen, i forget.
So, my first day at the hero association!
What?
I said that already??
Well whatever okay, we got into the super 7's building, which is like a 7/11 but without the charm. And everywhere i went it was just, "Ultra this!" "Ultra that!" "Please sign my baby."
But i wasn't going to be fooled that easily, i was going to show these bureaucratic assholes that the way the hero association was being run was all wrong!
I was going to be the messiah to these people, Moses without the staff cause i can walk pretty fine on my own.
And nothing and i mean nothing was going to stop-- Is that custard?
I swear custard has thee best taste in the world, and if you don't agree thats a 'YOU' problem.
Anyway, hero association, bad, way, of, doing things.
Apparently the laws of the world dictate that people without licenses aren't allowed to do hero work which is like totally wrong man, i mean what if someone's cat got stuck in a tree and you got gomu gomu stretchy powers and what not.
I mean surely the right thing to do would be to go to the bathroom and--
PG? So we're writing this for all audiences and i can't be crass huh...
Alright alright, you stickler for the rules, lets just get back to...
My first day at the hero association!
SO! Hero number 3, Metrodude or something i forget i don't remember the name of anyone inferior to me.Â
So bro collects heroes like pokemon, because for every hero in the world there is an equal and opposite reaction-i mean villain. The world, this world anyway, works like that. And the heroing bizz is quite lucrative. I mean just think about the amount of money marvel or DC make from all the merchandise floating around.
So yeah, dude is basically pretending to be Bill Gates saviour of the world while he's actually Bill Gates, "moolah-moolah hahaha!"
I wanted to change that, i wanted to allow any person in the world to do something if they had the means to.
I mean what's stopping us, a couple by-laws on why bestiality is wrong?
But to enforce change in the world. Even for me, is hard. You need money, you need support.
And most importantly, you need an audience.
So how was i going to do that, you're probably asking despite knowing the obvious.
By joining Marvel!, i mean the HERO ASSOCIATION!
And no, i'm not just in it for the hero associations cheerleaders i promise.
So to effect change i, was going to do it from the inside. YEAH JAMES BOND THAT SH*T.
...Hey, hey, writer dude, I've dallied too long that i forgot my train of thought...
Just say the cliff notes?Â
Okay cool.
In that case, why don't we talk about...
MY FIRST DAY AT THE HERO ASSOCIATION.
-To Be Continued? I think-