I hate mornings.
I've always hated them. Waking up to an empty house, hearing nothing but the hum of the AC and the clinking sound of my maid preparing breakfast in the kitchen—yeah, not the ideal way to start a day. I mean, it's not like I have any major complaints. My house is a mansion, everything I could ask for is at arm's length, but it's all just... hollow. Empty.
I don't have to deal with anyone breathing down my neck about assignments or lectures, but somehow, that freedom feels more like a prison than a privilege. Funny how that works. When you don't have anyone telling you what to do, you just forget what you're supposed to do altogether. Maybe it's because I've gotten used to having everything without earning it, or maybe because there's no one here to remind me of my purpose.
I pull myself out of bed, trying to shake off the tiredness that clings to me like a second skin. There's a dull ache in my chest, one that doesn't go away, no matter how much I try to ignore it. Life's been like this for a while. And I can't shake the feeling that something—someone—has been occupying my mind, but I don't have the courage to address it. It's easier to just keep my head down and pretend I don't care. But I know better.
I get ready, throw on my usual uniform—there's no real need to make an effort. Most people around here, including the teachers, have this idea that I'm a troublemaker. Not like they know much about me. They just assume I don't care. And they're right. In a way. I don't care, but not in the way they think. I just... I don't know how to make them understand.
My family's a mess. After my parents' divorce, everything's been in a state of flux. I live with my dad now. He's busy with his own life, and I'm just... here. My mom? She's remarried and has another kid now. I don't have much of a connection with them. In fact, I feel like I'm the third wheel in my own family. I don't know if I ever belonged there, even before everything fell apart. Maybe that's why I put up this façade, this act of not caring. It's easier than confronting the truth.
I slide into the bus like it's any other day, walking to the back where I always sit. The seat is empty, but there's always this tension in the air as I pass by the rows of students whispering, giggling, and stealing glances. Half of the girls in my class have a crush on me—if I had a penny for every time someone whispered my name, I'd probably be richer than I already am. It's funny how that works. People look at me, think they know me, but they don't. Nobody knows the real me. Not a single soul.
But that's not the reason I sit at the back. The back row gives me space. The space I need to keep my mind clear of everything. I can't deal with the noise. Not the literal noise—my own thoughts drown it out. They're loud enough as it is. Sometimes, I think my brain's a bit of a mess, constantly running and never stopping. I'm always thinking about something—what people think of me, what I should do, or, sometimes, what I shouldn't do. It's exhausting.
I plop down on the bench, just another day, right? But no. Today, something's different. Today, my eyes land on her—Paavna. She's sitting a few rows ahead, completely unaware of my gaze. And I wonder if I'm even capable of making her notice me. I know I shouldn't care. But the truth is, I can't stop thinking about her. It's like this magnetic pull that I can't escape.
It's not like she's the prettiest girl in school—she doesn't need to be. She's always calm, composed, and annoyingly perfect. It's the way she handles herself, like she's carrying the weight of the world but doesn't let anyone see it. There's something about her I can't quite place, but it's magnetic. Maybe it's how she doesn't fawn over me like the others. She's different. She's always got that straight face like she's too busy for distractions. Like, she has her own world, and I'm not in it.
I hate it. And I love it.
She doesn't show any sign of interest. Never. Not even a single glance in my direction. At first, I thought she was just another girl, too busy with her academics to care about anyone else. But there's something else, something deeper. She's always... present. A person who doesn't ask for attention, but somehow manages to demand it without even trying.
And then there's the whole thing about her being a top ranker. Paavna's always been the one to watch. Top marks in everything except English. Funny, right? She's perfect in every subject, but when it comes to English... she falls short. I mean, who doesn't? It's not like I'm a genius in it either, but I never understood how someone could be that close to perfect and still trip up on one thing.
But you know what bothers me? The fact that she's always seventh. Seventh rank in everything. Not first, not second. Just... seventh. And I get it. That's where she wants to be. She's not driven by competition, but by her own pace. But what gets to me is the fact that she's got this quiet confidence about it. She doesn't need to be the best, but you can see that she's not far from it. Maybe that's why I'm always drawn to her. The quiet rebellion in her smile when she knows she's got it all under control.
I look over at her again as she takes her seat. She doesn't acknowledge me. She doesn't even see me. And I guess that's the problem, isn't it? I want her to notice me. I want her to be just as bothered about me as I am about her.
But no. She's too busy focusing on her life, her brothers, and that whole second-mother persona she's got going on. She's a strong, self-sufficient person—unlike me. I mean, I've got everything handed to me, but I've never felt more alone in my life.
I remember seeing her drop her brothers off at the primary building this morning. She's always with them. Protecting them. The type of person who just gives and gives, expecting nothing in return. They say people like that get hurt the most, and maybe that's why I can't get her out of my head.
And then there's the part where she's never seen with the opposite gender. It's like she has this unwritten rule—no boys allowed. And I can't blame her. Maybe it's her way of dealing with life, of keeping herself in control when everything else seems so out of it.
But what if I break that rule? What if I become the exception to her? I don't know what to think. My brain's a mess, but one thing's for sure: I want to get to know her. Not because she's the "perfect" girl in school, but because there's something about her that I can't ignore.
She's not like everyone else. She's... different. And that's why I think I'm falling for her.
But I can't let anyone know that. Not even her. Especially not her.
The thing is, I remain at the top in my class because of her. Not in the way most people think. I mean, it's not like I'm the smartest. I know I'm not. But if I stay at the top, I'll be in the same class as her. And that's all I want. To be with her. It's all I think about, all day long. It's like she's the one thing in my life that feels real, and everything else is just... noise.
I don't want to be the guy who does it all for the grades or the fame. I just want to be someone she can rely on. I want her to feel safe, to breathe easy, and to finally have some genuine happiness that isn't driven by responsibility. That's why I push myself to be better. To sculpt myself into someone she'd want to be around. Because I know that when all of her burdens are gone, when her responsibilities are fulfilled, maybe... just maybe, I'll be the one she can turn to.
I've had a crush on her since seventh grade. Yeah, that's right—since I first heard from Kavi about how strong she was. Kavi always talked about Paavna with so much admiration, and I couldn't help but wonder, "Who is this girl who's carrying the world on her shoulders?" That was when I realized. She wasn't just any girl. She was something... more. And from that moment, I couldn't stop thinking about her.
But there's another reason for this. My parents' divorce. They've got their new families now, and I'm just... stuck. My life is perfect on the outside, but inside, I'm shattered. It's like there's this gaping hole inside me that no amount of wealth or status can fill. I don't want to be like them. I don't want to end up alone, like I always feel. Paavna... she's my escape. My reason to be better, to work harder. I've got this image of us together in my mind, a future where she's free to live her life and I'm just there, making her smile, keeping her safe. That's all I want.
But I can't let her know any of this. Not yet. Not until the time is right.