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When a Bard Can't Carry a Tune

🇹🇭QinWriter
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Synopsis
Alticia, a 120-year-old high elf with the grace of a swan (that keeps tripping over its own feet), has one dream: to become a legendary bard who inspires the world with her songs. There’s just one small problem. Her singing is so catastrophically bad that even goblins cover their ears, birds fall from the sky, and the village elder pretends to be hard of hearing. Armed with a handmade staff, an unwavering (and completely misplaced) confidence, and a repertoire of songs that can make plants wither, Alticia sets off to save her village from a goblin invasion. Her plan? Sing them into submission. Join Alticia on a hilariously disastrous journey through a medieval fantasy world where she battles monsters, gets lost in the woods, and somehow—somehow—keeps surviving her own mistakes. Because when you can’t fight, run, or think straight, you just have to sing your way through life. Off-key, of course. Can Alticia turn her "unique" talents into something great, or will her journey be a symphony of chaos?
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Chapter 1 - Chapter 1: The Beginning of an Unwanted Song

The village square of Elarya was serene, bathed in the soft light of morning. The towering sacred oak tree stood like a sentinel, its ancient roots weaving through the dark soil beneath, creating natural paths and mounds. The chirping of birds accompanied the gentle rustling of leaves, as if nature itself conspired to keep the peace.

That peace, however, was shattered by a sound that could only be described as... distressing.

A tall, slender figure stood atop an old tree stump, her delicate frame wrapped in the soft glow of sunlight filtering through the canopy. Golden hair cascaded down her back, gleaming like spun silk, while her emerald eyes sparkled with determination. She held a twisted wooden staff aloft, the carvings on its surface uneven and haphazard, as though they had been done by an enthusiastic child.

"Gather 'round, everyone!" Her voice rang out, loud and clear, with a pitch that could only be described as "unique."

The villagers, a collection of elven farmers and craftsmen, hesitated. A few cautiously edged closer, while others hung back with expressions ranging from mild curiosity to outright dread.

The woman—no, the self-proclaimed "hero"—flourished the staff in her hand, twirling it in the air like a conductor preparing for a grand symphony.

"Today, I present to you a song of power!" She beamed, her smile as wide as her confidence was misplaced. "This melody will awaken the fire in your hearts and prepare us for the battles ahead!"

One villager, a middle-aged man with a weathered face, shifted uncomfortably and muttered under his breath to the old woman next to him, "Last time she sang, didn't the crops wilt?"

The old woman smirked, her hand covering her mouth as if to stifle a laugh. "Better pray the sacred tree doesn't decide to uproot itself and leave."

On the stump, the woman raised her staff high and closed her eyes, taking in a deep, theatrical breath. When she exhaled, she began to sing.

"♪ O skies above, grant us your might~ ♪"

Her voice pierced the air, sharp and high-pitched, carrying a melody that wavered like a drunken sailor on a stormy deck. Birds took flight in a panic, their wings flapping wildly as they escaped the auditory assault. Leaves quivered on their branches before falling like green rain, and somewhere, a child clapped their hands over their ears with a dramatic wail.

When the song ended, the woman spun around and struck a pose, her staff held aloft like a conqueror claiming victory. She looked at the gathered villagers, expecting applause or at least some acknowledgment of her brilliance.

What she received was silence.

The middle-aged man crossed his arms, his brow furrowed. He glanced at the old woman beside him, his lips curling in a faint smirk. "I think my ears just gave up on life."

----

By the afternoon, the skies over Elarya had turned gray, a heavy blanket of clouds blotting out the sun. A sharp wind swept through the village, carrying a chill that seemed to seep into bones.

The villagers gathered once more in the square, their faces shadowed with unease. At the center stood the village elder, a wiry man with a head of silver hair and a staff that looked far more impressive than the one wielded by the self-proclaimed hero earlier. His eyes, sharp and ancient, scanned the small crowd as he spoke in a grave tone.

"The time we feared has come," he began, each word measured and deliberate. His staff tapped against the ground with a dull thud. "The goblins from the southern woods have begun to raid again. They've already burned three villages." His voice grew heavier, weighted with the burden of leadership. "Elarya is next."

Gasps and murmurs rippled through the crowd. A young boy clutched his mother's arm, his eyes wide with fear. A farmer muttered something under his breath, shaking his head as if to ward off the elder's words.

Among the villagers, one figure remained unusually still, her golden head tilted upward, emerald eyes glinting with a spark of... opportunity.

"This is perfect!" she exclaimed suddenly, breaking the tense silence.

The elder paused mid-sentence, his sharp gaze snapping to the source of the interruption. "...Perfect?"

The woman stepped forward, twirling her staff with what she likely thought was effortless grace but came off as borderline reckless. She stopped just short of the elder, planting her staff in the ground with an unnecessary flourish. "Don't you see? This is my moment!"

The elder stared at her, his expression unreadable. "Your moment to... what, exactly?"

"To save the village, of course!" She puffed out her chest, her smile radiant. "With my song!"

A ripple of disbelief passed through the crowd. Somewhere near the back, a man coughed suspiciously, the sound barely masking a laugh.

The elder sighed, closing his eyes as though summoning patience from some divine source. "The goblins have swords. And fire." He opened his eyes, fixing her with a look that was both weary and piercing. "What, precisely, is your song going to do?"

"Why, make them flee in terror, of course!" She twirled her staff again, nearly hitting a passing squirrel. "Have you ever seen a goblin cover its ears? No? Well, you will soon!"

---

The next morning, the village gathered at the gate to bid farewell to their... chosen savior. The elder stood to one side, his arms crossed and his face unreadable as the golden-haired elf adjusted the straps on her overstuffed pack.

"This is it!" she declared, striking a pose with one foot on a tree root as though she were about to lead an army. "By the time I return, the goblins will be no more, and Elarya will sing songs of my triumph!"

"Assuming you don't trip on your way out," muttered a young hunter leaning against the gatepost.

She ignored him, adjusting her pack one last time before striding confidently down the path. Her boots crunched against the dirt, her staff swinging loosely at her side. The villagers watched her go, some with poorly concealed grins, others with outright relief.

She made it exactly ten steps before tripping over a root.

"Oof!" She landed face-first in the dirt.

Several villagers turned away, shoulders shaking as they struggled to suppress laughter. The elder rubbed his temples, muttering something that sounded suspiciously like, "Two days. I give her two days."

She pushed herself up, brushing dirt off her clothes with an air of determined nonchalance. "It's fine! Just testing the durability of my gear!"

---

As the elf brushed herself off and resumed her journey, the forest path seemed to close in around her. The towering trees on either side loomed like silent sentinels, their branches twisting together overhead to form a dense, shadowy canopy. Shafts of light struggled to break through, casting dappled patterns on the uneven ground.

Despite the eerie silence, her mood remained bright. She hummed a tune under her breath, her staff swinging rhythmically with each step.

"♪ Onward I go, the hero of song~ Goblins beware, you won't last long~ ♪"

Her voice echoed through the forest, sharp and shrill enough to send a flock of birds flying from the branches above. She grinned. "See? Even the birds are moved by my song."

The silence that followed was heavier than before, like the forest itself was holding its breath. Her grin faltered slightly as she glanced around. "Well, this isn't creepy at all," she muttered, tightening her grip on the staff.

She had barely taken another step when she heard a rustling sound from the bushes ahead. She froze, her eyes narrowing as she raised the staff in what she thought was a battle-ready pose.

"Who goes there? Show yourself!" she demanded, her voice trembling just enough to betray her nerves.

The rustling grew louder, and a small, shadowy figure emerged from the undergrowth. It stopped a few feet away, tilting its head as it regarded her with unblinking eyes.

It was a rabbit.

"Oh!" She lowered the staff, laughing nervously. "Just a rabbit. You gave me a fright there, little guy!"

The rabbit stared at her for a long moment before twitching its nose and hopping away into the bushes. She watched it go, her shoulders relaxing.

"Clearly, the forest is testing me," she said aloud, as if convincing herself. "No matter. A hero must remain vigilant!"

With that, she marched onward, her staff held high.

---

The path grew darker as the canopy thickened, and the air took on a chill that made her skin prickle. The faint scent of damp earth and moss hung in the air, accompanied by the occasional snap of a twig underfoot.

She rounded a bend and stopped dead in her tracks.

A group of goblins—three of them—were gathered in a small clearing up ahead. They were short and hunched, their greenish skin mottled with patches of grime. Each carried a crude weapon: one had a jagged blade, another a heavy club, and the third clutched a rusty spear. They were arguing in their guttural language, gesturing wildly at a sack of stolen goods lying at their feet.

Her heart leaped into her throat. This was it. Her first real encounter as a hero.

She tightened her grip on the staff, her palms slick with sweat. "Okay, okay," she whispered to herself, her voice shaking. "This is fine. This is what I trained for!"

Technically, there had been no training involved. But that wasn't going to stop her.

She crept forward, one step at a time, until she was close enough to hear the goblins clearly. They seemed too engrossed in their argument to notice her.

She raised her staff, took a deep breath, and unleashed her most powerful weapon.

"♪ GO AWAY, YOU FOUL CREATURES~ ♪"

The goblins froze mid-argument, their heads snapping around to look at her. Her voice hit a particularly high note, vibrating through the air like nails on a chalkboard. One of the goblins winced, clutching its ears.

For a moment, it seemed like her plan might actually work.

Then, the goblin with the club let out a low growl, baring its yellowed teeth. It pointed at her with a stubby finger and barked something to the others. The goblins began advancing toward her, weapons raised.

Her eyes widened. "Uh-oh."

She stumbled backward, nearly tripping over a root as the goblins closed in. "Wait, wait, hold on! You're supposed to run away!"

They didn't.

As panic set in, she did the only thing she could think of. She spun around and bolted, her staff bouncing against her shoulder as she sprinted back down the path.

The goblins gave chase, their guttural cries echoing through the forest.

"Not part of the plan! Definitely not part of the plan!" she shouted over her shoulder, her voice cracking with every step.

Her legs burned, her breath came in gasps, and she could hear the goblins gaining on her. She veered off the path, crashing through the underbrush in a desperate attempt to lose them.

She burst into a small clearing, her chest heaving as she came to a halt. Her heart sank as she realized it was a dead end, the way forward blocked by a sheer rock face.

She turned just in time to see the goblins emerge from the trees, their weapons gleaming dully in the dim light.

"Well," she said, clutching her staff like a lifeline, "this is awkward."

---

The goblins closed in, their snarling faces twisted with malicious glee. She raised her staff, holding it out in front of her like a shield.

"Stay back!" she yelled, her voice wavering. "I'm warning you! I'll... I'll sing again!"

The goblins hesitated, glancing at each other uncertainly. It seemed even they had limits to what they could endure.

Sensing their hesitation, she took a deep breath and prepared to unleash another song. But before she could, a new sound cut through the clearing—a loud, resounding crack that echoed like thunder.

The goblins froze, their heads snapping toward the source of the noise. A massive tree branch, dislodged by some unseen force, came crashing down from above, landing directly on top of the goblins.

The clearing went silent.

She blinked, staring at the pile of branches and limbs where the goblins had been standing. "Huh." She lowered her staff, her voice a mix of disbelief and relief. "Guess nature really is on my side."

With a nervous laugh, she turned and hurried back toward the path. Her first encounter hadn't gone exactly as planned, but she was still in one piece. That counted as a victory... right?

---

The path twisted and turned, splitting off into smaller trails that seemed to lead nowhere. The dense forest canopy blocked most of the sunlight, leaving the trail dim and shadowy. Every so often, the elf stopped to inspect the ground, squinting at the faint markings on the dirt as if they held some sort of secret code.

"Hmm... If the moss grows on the north side of trees, then this way must be south," she mused aloud, tapping her chin with a finger. She turned to her left, then her right, her lips pursed in thought.

A squirrel chattered noisily from a branch above, startling her. She looked up sharply, narrowing her eyes at the tiny creature. "Oh, don't give me that attitude. You're not the one saving a village from goblins."

The squirrel tilted its head, clearly unimpressed, before leaping to another branch and disappearing into the foliage.

"Rude." She sighed, gripping her staff tightly as she chose a direction at random.

---

The elf trudged onward, her boots crunching against the underbrush. The further she walked, the more she began to question whether she was on the right path—or even a path at all. The forest seemed to shift and twist around her, the towering trees growing denser with every step. Vines hung low from their branches, brushing against her face and shoulders like unwelcome hands.

She stopped in a small clearing to catch her breath, leaning on her staff. "Alright, this is fine. Heroes don't get lost. They just... explore alternative routes." She spoke to herself as if the sound of her voice could keep the growing unease at bay.

A rustling in the bushes nearby caught her attention. Her ears twitched, and she spun around, her staff raised defensively. "Who's there? Show yourself!"

The rustling grew louder, and a figure emerged from the foliage. It was not a goblin, nor was it a harmless woodland creature. It was a man—a human, judging by his height and the broad build that dwarfed her own slender frame. He wore a patched leather tunic and carried a crossbow slung over his shoulder. His face was partially obscured by a scarf, but his dark eyes gleamed with sharp, calculating intelligence.

The elf lowered her staff slightly, though she kept a wary grip on it. "And who might you be?"

The man raised an eyebrow, clearly unimpressed by her defensive stance. "I could ask you the same thing," he replied, his voice low and even. He didn't seem particularly interested in answering questions, though his gaze lingered on her unusual staff. "Not many travelers come this deep into the woods without a good reason."

She straightened, brushing a stray leaf from her shoulder. "I'll have you know, I'm on a heroic mission to save my village from goblin attacks. And who are you, wandering around armed to the teeth?"

The man let out a dry chuckle, adjusting the strap of his crossbow. "Let's just say I'm in the business of keeping people like you alive. This forest isn't as empty as it looks."

"People like me?" she repeated, frowning. "I'm perfectly capable of handling myself, thank you very much."

His eyes flicked to her staff, then back to her face. "Right. You've got it all figured out, then."

Before she could retort, another rustling sound came from behind her. She spun around, her heart skipping a beat as the bushes parted to reveal... a wild boar. Its tusks gleamed in the dim light, and its small, angry eyes locked onto her like she'd personally offended it.

"Oh, wonderful," she muttered, gripping her staff tightly. "Another audience for my grand performance."

The boar snorted, pawing at the ground as it prepared to charge.

The man behind her sighed audibly. "You might want to move."

She turned her head slightly, glaring at him. "I've got this. Just watch."

The boar let out a guttural squeal and charged. She raised her staff and began to sing.

"♪ Oh mighty beast, calm your wrath~ ♪"

Her voice rang out, sharp and trembling, as the boar hurtled toward her. For a moment, it actually seemed to hesitate, its ears twitching at the sound. But then it shook its head violently and continued its charge.

The man stepped forward, raising his crossbow with practiced ease. "Duck."

She barely had time to register the word before she felt his hand on her shoulder, shoving her aside. She hit the ground with an undignified thud, her staff clattering to the dirt as the crossbow twanged. The boar skidded to a halt mere inches from her, a bolt buried deep in its side.

The forest fell silent once more.

She scrambled to her feet, brushing leaves and dirt from her clothes. "I had it under control!"

The man slung his crossbow over his shoulder, giving her a flat look. "Sure you did."

---

The elf crossed her arms, glaring up at him. Despite the height difference, she managed to look as if she were the one towering over him. "For your information, I was about to neutralize that boar with my voice. It's a highly advanced technique."

He stared at her for a long moment, his expression unreadable. Finally, he shook his head, muttering under his breath, "Elves."

She narrowed her eyes. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing." He gestured toward the fallen boar. "You're welcome, by the way."

She huffed, bending down to retrieve her staff. "Fine. Thank you for your... interference. But I didn't ask for help."

"Noted." He adjusted the strap of his crossbow again, glancing around the clearing. "So, are you planning to keep wandering through this forest, or do you have a destination in mind?"

"I know exactly where I'm going," she replied with a sniff.

He raised an eyebrow. "Do you, now?"

"Of course!" She pointed her staff in what she hoped was the right direction. "The goblins are that way."

He followed the direction of her staff with his eyes, then looked back at her. "That way leads to a swamp. The goblins are north."

Her cheeks flushed, but she refused to back down. "I was testing you. Obviously."

"Right." He didn't sound convinced, but he didn't press the issue. Instead, he sighed and extended a hand. "Name's Kael. If you're planning to fight goblins, you'll need more than a stick and bad singing."

She bristled at the insult but grudgingly shook his hand. "I'll have you know, my singing is a weapon."

Kael smirked faintly, his grip firm and steady. "If you say so."

---

The two unlikely companions set off together, the forest path stretching ahead in winding uncertainty. Kael walked with deliberate ease, his crossbow now resting against his back. His boots crunched softly against the underbrush as he led the way, his sharp eyes scanning their surroundings.

Behind him, the elf walked with considerably less grace, her staff dragging along the ground as she muttered under her breath. "A stick, he says. Bad singing, he says. Clearly, he's never met a true bard."

Kael glanced over his shoulder, one brow arching in silent amusement. "You're aware I can hear you, right?"

She stopped mid-mutter, then tossed her hair over one shoulder in an exaggerated gesture. "Good. I wasn't exactly whispering."

His smirk deepened. "Noted. Still, it's going to take more than pride to get you through this forest alive. How far are you planning to go with just... that?" He nodded toward her staff, which admittedly looked more decorative than practical.

"This," she said, lifting the staff as if it were a royal scepter, "is a finely tuned instrument of magic. It's the key to my legendary abilities as a bard."

He didn't even try to hide his skepticism. "Legendary, huh? So, how many goblins have you fought with it?"

Her expression faltered for just a second before she straightened her back. "That's irrelevant. The number doesn't matter when you have raw talent."

Kael stopped walking, turning to face her fully. His gaze was steady, appraising, but not unkind. "Listen. You don't have to convince me, alright? I've seen enough to know that survival isn't about what you say you can do. It's about what you actually do. So, can you handle this, or not?"

For a moment, she was silent, her grip tightening on her staff. Her emerald eyes searched his face for a sign of mockery but found only blunt honesty. "Of course I can handle it," she replied, her voice quieter than before. "I just... need the chance to prove it."

Kael studied her for another moment, then shrugged. "Alright, then. Guess we'll see what you're made of soon enough."

---

The pair continued their journey in relative silence until the forest opened into a small clearing. Kael held up a hand, signaling her to stop. She mimicked his movement, though with less precision, and whispered, "What is it? Do you see something?"

"Shh." He crouched low, gesturing for her to do the same. She hesitated but followed suit, albeit clumsily. He pointed to the edge of the clearing where three goblins sat around a crude campfire.

They were smaller than she had imagined, their greenish skin mottled with dirt and scars. One gnawed on a chunk of unidentifiable meat, while the others muttered and gestured in their guttural language.

"Alright," she whispered, gripping her staff tightly. "This is my time to shine."

Kael grabbed her wrist before she could stand. "Hold it. You can't just march in there and start... whatever it is you do."

"And why not?"

"Because they'll kill you before you get past your first note." His voice was low but firm. "Stay here. Let me handle this."

She yanked her wrist free, her eyes flashing with indignation. "Excuse me? I'm not some helpless damsel. I'm a bard, and this is what I do."

Kael pinched the bridge of his nose, clearly restraining himself from saying something unkind. "Fine. Just... don't get in my way."

He moved silently toward the goblins, his crossbow at the ready. She followed at a less stealthy pace, muttering under her breath about being underestimated.

When Kael reached the edge of the clearing, he took aim at the largest goblin and fired. The bolt struck true, and the creature crumpled to the ground with a gurgling cry.

The other two goblins sprang to their feet, snarling and clutching their weapons. Before Kael could reload, the elf charged forward with a dramatic flourish of her staff.

"♪ Foul beasts, flee before my power~ ♪"

Her voice rang out, high-pitched and jarring. The goblins hesitated, their faces contorting in visible pain. One of them clutched its ears and stumbled backward.

Kael stared, his mouth slightly open. "...Well, I'll be damned."

The second goblin, however, recovered quickly and lunged at her with a rusted blade. She yelped and stumbled backward, her staff raised in a defensive posture.

Kael moved swiftly, dispatching the goblin with another well-placed bolt. The remaining creature, still reeling from her song, turned and fled into the trees.

The clearing fell silent except for the crackling of the dying campfire.

She straightened, brushing dirt from her clothes with a smug expression. "See? I told you my voice is a weapon."

Kael snorted, slinging his crossbow over his shoulder. "Yeah, a weapon of mass irritation."

She ignored him, inspecting her staff as if it had done all the work. "That went well, don't you think?"

He didn't respond immediately, his gaze lingering on her for a moment longer than necessary. Finally, he sighed. "Let's keep moving. The goblins won't stay scared for long."

As they set off once more, the elf hummed softly to herself, her confidence fully restored. Kael, walking a few steps ahead, couldn't help but shake his head.

"She's going to get us both killed," he muttered under his breath.

But, despite himself, he smiled faintly.