Been thinking a lot about death, even imagining how if one day all of a sudden my days going to end. How the people around me will react ? Would there be people grief or just carry on with their life ?
This curiosity surround me. Making me feel weak from all the constant thought of how dying will be. Slowly began to loose the string of life and getting by day by day with emotionless figure.
I don't dare to complaint all of this to anyone, no one would really care. Getting use of people telling me that I don't had it bad or just be grateful with everything that you had around you.
Being a good listener is very hard, I guess. So, most of the things I kept was hard and cold deep down in my heart, only to be bare with pain of pilled up emotions.
Too lazy to think so much of everything so I kind of just ignore it all. Hoping that maybe one day it will go away or forgotten. They said I'm too slow or too fragile to handle things on my own.
I began to wonder if there are people who really trust me with anything or they just force to put the trust so that I don't look like an idiot, Either wise, I don't feel good with it.
The thought kept getting more and more every single day, not one to be miss. I would smile only when needed and laugh only necessary so that I don't look too obvious.
I have to act everyday just because no one would listen. How I scream inside my brain yet not to be heard at all ? How bleeding and torn my heart just to put a smile in front of everyone ? This feeling and thought took control of me, dragging me hard till the very end.
*When did it all go wrong ?
Wouldn't mind me to rewind back to where I was once so proud and confident of myself. I missed the old me. Sometimes, I also blame the luck that I had. As that to blame God of what He had arranged for me, sinful sight for sure.
I always had been so open minded in everything even when it comes to believes. Some did say I should repent and put trust in fate that had to offer. I admit too, I was never a sole devotee. Enough for me just knowing what's good and what's bad.
I wonder where is my old self. Did it just vanished just like that ? Can I retrieve it back ? Can I just reverse back the time for everything ? I only hope I won't be as down and broken heart like now.
I used to be so confident with everything, heart like a stone and don't care bout anything. Now, I just want to run away and avoid everything. It hurts though. I don't want to meet people anymore, too scared of it. So tiring for this situation.
The voices in my head are getting louder by the second. Telling me to make bad decision all the time. Some voices act like a friend that understands you, some would tell you how worthless you are and telling you to just end your life that-maybe was depressing.
It might not be the worst as others but I could barely hold on to this. I'm tired. One day, maybe I would choose to let everything go and find a place to empty out my head. No one can help you. Screaming in silents.
Am I being selfish ? Am I being not thankful enough for everything that I have ? No. All my life I always think positive, thankful and humble with everyone. Lately, it seems that all the good has been used up until now I worn out.
I need myself back. What happened to me ? When did it all go wrong ? Why people put the blame on me ? Maybe I'm just too nice for everyone to step on and think lightly of me.
Getting through everyday was challenging enough for me. I never knew how soft and fragile my heart was up until now, delicate as it would crumble down upon a soft breeze. I would blame myself all the time, would it been better if we never met at all ? So much for an experience.
Making myself busy with continuous work loads just to take away the heart break and suffering. Oh well, that didn't work. I just think more of it until my heart wanting to burst with pilled up emotions. That's just exaggeration.