I had a problem.
It wasn't even a fun problem like how to get faster so I could punch Flash, or get strong enough to take down evil-Superman.
It was a boring problem of 'I'm sick of eating fire roasted deer and almost nothing else'.
Sure it was tasty and when I swung by a lake I was able to easily grab a few fish. But there was no flavor! It was just boring meat and boring fish. And I already didn't like fish that much!
So like I said, a problem.
I couldn't exactly go around clearing out restaurants either. The amount of food required to satisfy a Saiyan was far more than a normal person would allow a child to order without either asking where my parents were or at least demanding that I could pay in advance. And I didn't want to have a meal interrupted by someone trying to arrest me. That would be dumb.
I guess there was always the option of getting stuff from a supermarket or something and making it myself, but there was another problem there.
I had no money.
That tended to be a major issue when trying to buy things unless you were a politician or businessman. Then you just took out a loan or asked other people to pay the bill for you. Anyways, I had no money. And I sure as hell wasn't going to rob a grocery store of all things. That was like bottom D-tier villainy at best and I had more class than that.
So that meant I needed some kind of plan.
-o-
Planning didn't go very well.
I either made them too complicated (like trying to figure out how to manipulate the resuppliers to put everything I wanted on one truck so I could steal that) or just silly once I let my imagination run wild (not entirely sure where I was going to get a Mariachi band with flamethrowers to act as a distraction while I stealthily walked away with everything), when I realized another very simple flaw in my process.
I still had no money so I couldn't bribe or hire people. Which made my plans useless!
That was okay though, I was a smart villain. If I didn't have enough money to complete my plan then I would just have to steal more! That would work! And then I could spend all I wanted finding a flamethrowing music band to help me.
…or I could just use the stolen money to buy food. That would make much more sense.
I thought about it for a bit before shrugging and leaving that decision to future-me. I had a robbery to plan.
-o-
Man, I was bad at planning robberies.
Well no, I was great at planning them. It's just when it came to making them realistic I got a little…too enthusiastic. That was fine though. So what if reality was unable to appreciate my genius? Everything was possible somehow, I would just have to keep working at it.
"Next, please."
I mentally shelved my plans for a volcano fortress and walked up to the teller with a winning smile. No, I wasn't nervous. Why would you think that?
It's not like this was my first actual robbery and I had no idea what I was doing.
"Hello sweetheart, how can I help you today?" The teller asked kindly. Aw man, why did she have to be nice? And I guess she couldn't see my armor or tail with them covered up by a jacket I grabbed on the way here.
"Hi, sorry I've never done this before." I said nervously. "I'd like to make a withdrawal."
"Sure thing. Do you have your account number?"
"Um, no I don't have an account number. This is a robbery. I'm robbing you."
The teller frowned. "I see…"
Then the door burst open as five men in masks with machine guns rushed in screaming for people to get on the floor.
-o-
"She's just a little girl." The teller pleaded with the robber pointing a gun at my head.
I wasn't upset by that. By all appearances I was indeed a little girl. Wasn't even upset about the gun to the head. It was a good way to motivate the nice teller lady to open the vault. (also she was apparently one of the people in the bank that could get into the vault. Not sure why she was working a station then.)
No, I was annoyed because, somehow, someone else decided to rob the same bank I was going to, at the same time, in Metropolis of all places.
You might think robbing a bank here would be stupid with the Blue Bully ready to pop up at any point, but the thing about knowing his secret identity is that I could plan around his absence. I totally didn't get lucky watching the news skimming for something to watch and seeing him standing next to Lois Lane in a conference in Florida yesterday.
"I don't give a fuck lady. And unless you want a new hole in her head, keep your mouth shut and keep moving."
"At least let her go…"
And it wasn't like these idiots knew Superman was out of town. So they decided 'yeah, we can totally rob a bank in Metropolis and get away' despite being totally normal humans with some guns.
"...you listenin' to me, brat?" The jerk jabbed me in the shoulder with his gun. "I said get in the vault!"
Oh neat, that was open now.
"Not really. Got distracted by how stupid this is."
"You calling me stupid?"
"That's not what she said! Please…" the teller begged again.
"Shut up! I think she called me stupid. The hells the world coming to when brats talk back to their betters? I oughta beat the shit outta you to teach you respect, just like dear old dad." He swung the butt of his gun at my jaw but I was done with this guy.
My fingers closed around the plastic-like material and shattered it with a light squeeze.
While the two humans were standing slack jawed at that, I punched the robber in the stomach.
Lightly, so I didn't kill him. But yeah, he wasn't getting back up.
"Oh my god, you're a metahuman!" Teller-lady exclaimed once she got over her shock. I frowned.
"I'm a Saiyan, not a human."
"Wait, you mean that alien that crash landed in the middle of the city and said you were here to conquer Earth? That's you?!"
"Yep."
The lady went quiet and looked at the robber facedown on the floor. "You aren't working with them are you?" She asked softly.
"No? Why would you think that?"
"Because you said you were robbing the place right before they broke in." She pointed out reasonably.
"Yeah, no. Not working with them. Kinda mad they ruined my first robbery."
"Why were you going to commit a robbery in the first place?"
Because I wanted more food and wasn't going to taint my supervillain reputation by stealing from restaurants. So…
"The internet said I should." I lied proudly.
"...the…internet?"
"Yep, I wanted to get more supplies since I wasn't expecting to take more than a couple days taking over your planet. But you need money for that. So I found out from your internet that illegal aliens need to steal your jobs, your women, and your money to get more stuff.
I have a job, I'm too young for a wife, but I needed money so I looked up how I'm supposed to steal money. And one place said that most people rob banks for more money."
"That's…" The poor lady had no idea how to deal with my logic. But she shook herself and refocused. "Ignoring that for now, there are still four more men with guns out there. We need to hide until the police show up."
I shrugged and walked into the vault where I started stuffing random bills into various pockets. "You can do that. I'm just gonna take this and leave."
"You're still robbing us?!"
"Well, yeah. I still want food."
"You can't just take things that belong to other people!"
"Sure I can. Saiyans do it all the time back home." 'Probably.'
By then I had loaded up a few thousand dollars and walked back out. The teller made no move to stop me but she was looking pretty distressed.
"I…you…" She sighed. "This is not how I expected today to go. What's your name sweetheart?"
Same here lady. "I'm Califa. Nice to meet you."
Her lips twitched in a hint of a smile. "I'm Samantha. We both know I probably can't stop you from taking that money. But do you think you can do me a favor?"
A favor? I cocked my head to the side, interested at what she could possibly want a favor for right now.
"You're pretty strong right? And fast, too? I saw some clips of you fighting Superman even if they weren't that good."
"Yep! I'm training to get faster too! So the next time we fight, I'll win and take over the planet."
"Training to…nevermind. Do you think you can beat up the other robbers on your way out? In a way no one else gets hurt?" She asked.
I shrugged. "Sure? I was going to beat them up anyways for ruining my first time."
"Oh…good…"
I didn't feel like there was much else to say to Samantha at that point so I made my way back to the main lobby where the other robbers were still shouting at people.
I introduced myself to the first one by kicking him in the stomach, flipped in the air to blast two of them with a Ki attack, and turned to the last one just in time to catch a bullet in the mouth. Then the guy decided to just mag-dump me and kept firing.
The bystanders began screaming at the sound of gunfire and everyone panicked when my head snapped back. They only calmed down a bit when my hands kept moving after the first shot and the gunman's weapon clicked empty. While they were all staring, I brought my head back forward and spit out the bullet I had caught and brought my hands up to eye level. With a slow deliberate motion I opened them and let the flattened pieces of lead pour out of my hands and clatter on the floor.
"I am so fucking sorry." The gunman whimpered as I started floating towards him.
"You're going to be." I promised. Then I punched him in the nose.
The other robbers were dealt with, I had my money, and no sign of the cops or Superman. I could call my first robbery, despite some setbacks, a success.
Now then, off to buy groceries.
In another city, of course. I wasn't an idiot.
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