I let out a short sigh and decided to open my heart to Sid, telling him everything that was happening to me and about my lack of trust in Brent. However, at no point did I notice his expression change. He was really listening carefully, without interrupting, as if he really wanted to understand everything I was feeling.
"So, what you're saying is that you're afraid of coming out and being rejected because you feel weak?"
Sid asked, keeping that neutral expression that left me not knowing what he was really thinking.
"That's it..."
I mumbled, looking down at my intertwined hands as I slowly got up from the floor and pulled out a chair to sit on.
"I just wanted to be as strong as Astrid and Mira..."
I whispered, my voice laden with insecurity.
"That way, I could do anything I wanted, without fear..."
Before I could finish saying those words, Sid interrupted me, almost as if he already knew what I was trying to say.
"I'm not the best person to tell you this, but I think you're just looking in the wrong place."
For some reason, every word that came out of Sid's mouth really seemed to help me gain a little more confidence. However, sometimes he would say things that didn't make much sense, as if he was saying something important, but in a cryptic way, leaving me with the feeling that I had to figure out the real meaning on my own.
Still not fully understanding what he had said, I decided to ask:
"I didn't quite understand what you meant."
I said, a little embarrassed, because even in things like this I could be slow to understand.
Sid let out a slight sigh, as if he had expected me to ask that question, and then replied in a calm tone, still keeping his expression neutral.
"I'm just saying that, instead of focusing on your fears and insecurities, you need to understand one thing first: being strong isn't always a good thing. Besides..."
I was so absorbed in what Sid was saying that I accidentally interrupted him, without realizing how anxious I was to understand what he wanted to explain.
"I'm sorry... go on."
I apologized, feeling a slight flush of embarrassment appear on my face as I tried to regain my composure.
"As I was saying... there's a big difference between their strength and the strength you're looking for. After all, there's a stark difference between being strong because you want to be and being forced to be strong."
As soon as Sid had finished his explanation, I had finally understood what he meant. However, something caught my attention in that conversation. His answer, for some reason, was accompanied by a slight sadness, as if he was sure of what he was saying, as if he had lived what he said.
"Even with all that you've told me... I still can't see weakness or fear as a good thing."
I confessed, my voice still wavering.
Sid paused, as if pondering his words before continuing.
"I understand. But fear also has its good side. Without it, you wouldn't know your limits and you wouldn't try to overcome them. And besides... if a person is forced to have courage and strength, weakness becomes a distant world, something they never want to explore. But the point is... you can find strength in weakness if you learn to accept it, not ignore it."
And again, Sid had said something that I didn't fully understand.
"What do you mean?"
I asked, trying to understand Sid's line of reasoning.
"Think about it: if you get hurt and want to cry, what do you do?"
Sid asked, looking at me as if he expected an answer.
"Cry?"
I replied, still trying to understand what Sid was getting at.
"Exactly. So, if you feel like running away or crying, just go and do it. That's the only way you'll be able to calm down and then start again. Trust me, there's nothing more invigorating. After all, if you're weak and you know it, just use it to make yourself stronger. Because not everyone has the luxury of doing that, even if they want to."
I knew I was a bit slow for some things, especially when it came to romance, but the way Sid had said it, even I could understand.
I thought about everything Sid had told me, trying to come up with an answer... and I finally came to a conclusion: standing still wasn't going to help me at all. I needed to accept the worst that could happen and move on.
Sid's words began to make sense in a deeper way now. He was right: if I really wanted to move on, I needed to be honest with myself, with my weaknesses and my fears. But I also needed to learn how to use them, how to turn those feelings into something that would drive me forward.
When I thought, Sid had finished talking, he continued with what he was saying, as if he had something more important to add.
"Now that you've understood what I was getting at, never forget to be yourself. Be weak when you can't take it anymore, run away when you need to and cry if you have to. Trust me, I speak from experience - it works."
Sid replied, still looking at me with his usual neutral face. He then calmly got up from his chair, as if he had already concluded what he had come there to do.
From the little I had talked to Sid, it was clear how attentive and polite he was, completely different from what Carlotta kept telling me about him.
For some reason, they hadn't got on very well since the day they met. For Carlotta, Sid was someone who was extremely rude and difficult to deal with. Today, however, I was discovering a side of him that completely contradicted that impression.
As soon as Sid had finished saying those words, I noticed him getting up from the chair facing me and about to leave the library. It was at that moment that I remembered the promise he had made to me before that whole conversation.