I didn't understand how to react. Maybe all I needed was to decide, wether he'd come along or not.
When I finished eating , I rose from the table , smoothing my gown as I prepared to start my day . My duties as a royal in Gastoh's kingdom awaited , simple yet unchanging
The day began with overseeing the castle staff. Nancy accompanied me as we walked through the quarters, ensuring everything was in order for the week ahead . Next came the review of the royal inventory , where I worked with the steward to catalog the goods recently brought in from the kingdom:s granaries and trade stores. Finally , I spent the late morning in the courtyard gardens, monitoring the progress of a new fountain being constructed at Gastoh's request.
Though my duties kept me busy, my mind was restless. The memory of this morning lingered , Gastoh's calm demeanor , the question he had poses . His words had felt weightly in their simplicity, and I couldn't help but wonder if I had done something to push him away.
Nancy , who had been quietly assisting me throughout the morning , finally broke the silence as I paused near the garden fountain.
"My lady," she began , her tone gentle , " you seemed..... distracted today. Forgive me if I overstep, but is something on your mind?"
I hesitated, gazing at the fountains half -finished carving. The water shimmered in the sunlight a soothing contract to my turbulent thoughts.
"No", I said softly , though the words felt unconvincing even to me. "I suppose I'm just tired".
Nancy gave me a concerned look, but didn't press further. Her silence was comforting , allowing me the space to retreat into my thoughts.
The rest of the day passed quietly, I avoided wandering too far from the castle , as I always did. The walls that surrounded me felt both like haven and a cage , a barrier that separated me from the world beyond. Though I had never stepped foot outside the castle grounds, I had grown accustomed to filling my days within it's confines, whether Gastoh was here or not.
But today felt different . The weight of Gastoh's question hung over me, unspoken yet impossible to ignore. When it time to see him again , I would have to answer .
And fir the first time , I didn't know if I was prepared.
Maybe , just maybe , I should as Nancy. The thought wrestled it's way to the surface as I struggled with the whirlwind of emotions inside me . No, I should. She knows more about Gastoh than I do. If I'm going to make my life here worth living, maybe I need to connect.....
But even as the idea formed , doubts gnawed at me . How do I connect with someone who doesn't even see me in his presence? He hasn't treated me awfully, he's never unkind , but it's as if I'm invisible to him. Yet , that night....
My thoughts trailed to the memory that haunted me . He didn't look at me , but he dared to stare at those dancers with an interest I've never seen him direct at me. The realization stung more than I wanted to admit.
I don't get it. Why does that bother me so much?
The internal battle raged on , maybe I'm taking it too far .... But what if I'm not? What if there's something or someone ,I don't know about?
I glanced at Nancy, who had been tidying a small side table nearby. She moved with quiet efficiency, her presence steady and reassuring. It gave me the courage I needed to speak, even if my words came out hesitant.
"Nancy," I began, my voice soft but tinged with uncertainty. She paused, looking up at me attentively. "Has...well, has Gastoh always been the type to speak so little?"
Nancy tilted her head slightly, as if considering how to answer. But before she could speak, the rest of the question spilled out of me, unbidden. "Does he have mistresses?"
The words echoed in the room, startling even me. I felt the heat rise to my cheeks as the weight of what I had just asked sank in. I hadn't even realized until now how little I knew about him, about his past, his heart, or his thoughts.
Nancy's eyes widened for a brief moment, but she quickly composed herself, setting the cloth she had been holding onto the table. Her expression softened, and there was something almost motherly in her tone when she replied.
"My lady," she began carefully, "Lord Gastoh is a private man, even with those closest to him. He's always been that way. As for mistresses….." She paused, as if weighing her words. "None that I've ever known of since I've been in service here. He has never seemed the type to seek out such....distractions."
Her words were meant to reassure me, but they only stirred more questions. If not mistresses, then what? What holds his attention so firmly that he barely notices me?
I nodded slowly, offering her a small smile in return. "Thank you, Nancy," I said, though my thoughts were far from settled.
As she returned to her work, I sank into my chair, the battle within my heart far from over. I had hoped for clarity, but instead, I found myself even more tangled in the mystery of Gastoh and what role, if any, I truly played in his life.
Shall I let him come along to my parents. The question lingered as the day wore on. Maybe this is my chance to pay more attention to him,to see what he's like, even if it's just a little.
I was tired of feeling invisible. He married me; he should see me, right? The thought gave me a sense of resolve, even as uncertainty lingered at the edges.
And just like that, evening came. Gastoh returned from his royal assignments, stepping into the chamber with his usual air of quiet authority. His cold, unreadable expression hadn't changed. He walked toward the wardrobe, shrugging off his royal coat with practiced ease, his movements deliberate and composed.
"Good evening, Your Highness," I said, my voice soft but steady.
He replied, though his words were barely audible, and his attention was focused more on the coat in his hands than on me. The interaction was so fleeting that it felt like an afterthought.
I hesitated, unsure if I should speak further, but the resolve I had found earlier pushed me forward.
"I've decided," I said, keeping my tone even as I met his back. "You can come along to my parents. And...if it's alright, I was thinking we could stay for two weeks."
He paused for a moment, his hands stilling as he hung his coat. Then, slowly, he turned to face me. His blue eyes met mine, and for a fleeting moment, I thought I saw something shift in his gaze, curiosity, perhaps, or the faintest trace of surprise.
"Two weeks?" he repeated, his voice calm, neutral.
"Yes," I said, straightening slightly.
"If it's not too much of an inconvenience."
Gastoh studied me for a moment longer, then gave a single, almost imperceptible nod. "That's acceptable."
His words were simple, yet they carried a finality that left no room for argument. He turned back to his wardrobe, and just like that, the conversation was over.
I exhaled quietly, a mix of relief and frustration settling over me. He agreed, but why does it feel like I'm the only one trying here?
As he continued undressing, I couldn't help but steal a glance, wondering if this trip would change anything or if I would remain just another shadow in his world.
_______
We had dinner together in our quarter. A silent meal ,nothing less, nothing more.
The clinking of silverware and the faint crackle of the fire in the corner were the only sounds between us. Gastoh didn't speak, and neither did I. I stole glances at him, but his expression remained unreadable, his focus fixed on his plate.
When he finished eating, he rose without a word. He pushed his chair back, nodded briefly in my direction, and left . The door closed behind him with a quiet thud, leaving me alone at the table with a hollow feeling in my chest.
I watched the door for a moment, wondering where he could be going. The silence he left behind felt heavier than any words he could have spoken.
Nancy entered not long after to clear the table. I hesitated, then decided to speak.
"Do you know where His Highness was headed?" I asked, trying to sound casual, though I wasn't sure I succeeded.
Nancy paused, a thoughtful look crossing her face. "I believe he's gone to the study, my lady," she said. "It's where he often spends his evenings after dinner, especially when he has matters of state to attend to."
"The study..." I repeated, as if the word itself could reveal something. I had never ventured there, and it struck me how little I knew about the places he frequented within the castle.
"Yes, my lady," Nancy continued, her tone light but careful. "Would you like me to fetch him for you?"
I shook my head quickly. "No, that won't be necessary."
Nancy smiled faintly and returned to her task, while I sat in silence, staring at the now-empty table. The study...what does he do there? Does he enjoy been there?
The thought lingered as I rose from my seat, unsure if I should let the matter rest,or if I should dare to step closer into his world. The study..... I thought again, but the curiosity quickly gave way to a deeper reflection. It wasn't about where Gastoh was or what he was doing. It was about how I couldn't seem to control the way I thought about him.
Why did my thoughts keep returning to him? Was it because I was scared of him, or because I wasn't as scared as I used to be?
The rumors about him, the whispered tales of his coldness and ruthless precision, didn't chill me the way they once did. But it wasn't because they weren't true, I knew they were. it was because I had grown used to the way he carried himself, the way his presence commanded a room without a word.
Yet, despite that familiarity, I was still afraid. Not of him entirely, but of what he represented, a life I hadn't chosen, a marriage bound by political necessity rather than affection. I was afraid of being invisible forever, a pawn without purpose.
But maybe that fear was why I couldn't stop thinking about him. If I wanted to live a life worth living in this kingdom, I needed to find my footing, to make my sands strong for my own sake.
That's why I'm interested in him, I told myself firmly. Not because I want his approval, not because I long for his gaze, but because understanding him is part of building a life here. If I can figure him out, maybe I can figure out my place in this castle, in this kingdom.
But as much as I tried to convince myself, the thoughts kept circling back, questioning my resolve. Is that really why? Or is there something deeper I don't want to admit?
My thoughts lingered as I made my way to the bedchamber . The dim light of the lanterns cast long shadows across the walls, mirroring the shadows of doubt and determination swirling in my mind.
I changed into my nightgown slowly, my movements deliberate, as if stalling for time. But time couldn't stop the tide of emotions I carried. Crawling into bed, I pulled the covers up to my chin and stared at the canopy above me.
He doesn't see me, not really, I thought. But that doesn't matter. What matters is finding my place here.
Still, the questions lingered, stubborn and unyielding. Why does it bother me so much that he doesn't look at me? Why do I care if he stares at dancers and not at me?
I sighed, closing my eyes against the swirl of emotions I couldn't fully grasp. Maybe it's not about him at all. Maybe it's about me,about wanting to be seen, to matter.
But even as I tried to anchor myself with reason, I couldn't shake the image of Gastoh from my mind, his cold gaze, his measured movements, the rare softness I thought I'd glimpsed for a fleeting moment.
The thoughts circled endlessly, questions with no answers, doubts with no resolution. Slowly, the exhaustion of the day overtook me, and my restless mind began to quiet.
I drifted to sleep, still holding onto the hope that tomorrow would bring some clarity.