"I've gotta take a dump," Jacob muttered, his face twisting into an uncomfortable grimace.
His blunt declaration drew an immediate laugh from his friend, Mason, who was lounging comfortably in his seat. "Seriously? Now? The movie's about to start! Just hold it in, man."
Jacob shook his head vehemently, his expression growing increasingly desperate. "I can't! It's—" He paused, his voice rising an octave as he clutched his stomach. "It's DEFCON 1 down here. I'm gonna explode if I wait another second."
Mason snickered, clearly finding amusement in his friend's predicament. "Fine, but hurry up! Don't miss the best part. You've been hyped for The Mewvengers for weeks."
"I'll be quick!" Jacob called over his shoulder, already sprinting towards the restroom.
Each hurried step felt like torture. His body moved awkwardly, as if he were a wounded soldier staggering across a war-torn battlefield. Every jarring motion sent tremors through his core, and the dam he was desperately trying to hold together threatened to burst wide open.
"Damn it! What kind of luck is this?" Jacob cursed under his breath. Of all the times for his stomach to stage a rebellion, it just had to be moments before the premiere of the movie he had been waiting for all year.
Reaching the restroom, he threw open a stall door, barely managing to lock it behind him before yanking his pants down. The second he sat on the toilet, a wave of relief washed over him as his insides finally let loose. The feeling was almost euphoric, his entire body tingling as the tension melted away.
"Ah, yes," Jacob muttered to himself with a satisfied sigh, slumping slightly as he relished the moment. "Taking a shit… it's like hitting pure bliss. Who even needs drugs when you've got this?"
He couldn't quite describe it, but the release was oddly exhilarating, almost transcendent. Every nerve in his body seemed to unwind, the hairs on his arms settling as though standing at attention moments before. For a brief moment, he even forgot why he was here in the first place.
His eyes narrowed as a sour memory surfaced. "I knew I shouldn't have drunk that milk," he grumbled under his breath. Earlier that morning, he had discovered the carton he bought the day before was already two days past its expiration date. Instead of throwing it out like a normal person, he'd reasoned it was still mostly fine. Milk didn't go bad that quickly, right? Wrong. Now he was paying the price.
Shaking his head, Jacob forced the thought out of his mind. "Whatever," he muttered, leaning back against the cool metal of the stall. He was annoyed at missing the movie's opening scene, sure, but what could he do? Life didn't exactly wait for bathroom emergencies.
And then, it happened.
Bang!
A sharp, jarring sound echoed through the restroom, loud enough to make Jacob jump. His eyes widened as his heart began to race, pounding against his ribs like a drum.
"What the hell was that?" he whispered, his voice barely audible over his own panicked breathing. Adrenaline surged through his veins as he sat frozen, straining to hear any movement beyond the stall door.
Another sound followed, faint but distinct—a muffled shuffle, like someone dragging something heavy across the tiled floor. Jacob's body went rigid, every muscle tense as fear gripped him. A cold sweat broke out across his brow, and his hands instinctively clutched at his stomach.
To his horror, the sudden jolt of fear sent his body into overdrive. Whatever remnants of his bowel movements still lingered decided now was the time to erupt in one final, violent release. The humiliation of the moment was almost overshadowed by the sharp, stabbing pain that flared in his chest immediately afterward.
His breath hitched as he clutched his left side, the pain spreading like wildfire. "What the… fuck…?" he gasped, his voice strained.
The world around him spun. The edges of his vision blurred, darkening at the corners as the sound of his heartbeat grew deafening in his ears.
And then, all at once, everything went black.
***
"Sir, are you okay?"
Jacob's vision gradually cleared, shifting from a blurry haze into sharp detail. Standing before him was a man in uniform, looking down at him with a mixture of concern and... was that suppressed laughter? The subtle twitch of the man's lips confirmed it.
Jacob's stomach sank as realization hit. He must've done something utterly humiliating.
"Uh… yeah, I'm fine," Jacob stammered, his face flushing a deep red as embarrassment overwhelmed him.
Glancing around, Jacob took in his surroundings. The sterile white walls, the faint scent of antiseptic, and the soft bed beneath him made it obvious: he was in a hospital.
"What the heck?" Jacob muttered under his breath, his face burning with shame. His eyes flicked back to the man in front of him. The stranger's uniform resembled a police officer's, but the insignia on his chest was unfamiliar. The name tag above it read Mike.
"Um, is there a problem, Officer?" Jacob asked hesitantly.
Officer Mike sighed, his expression growing serious. "You're in big trouble, Mr. Jacob," he began. "We've been hunting a dangerous criminal on the loose for weeks now. An anonymous tip came in saying the suspect was seen near the premiere of Lizardball X. When we arrived, we found someone brutally murdered—right next to the stall where you were, uh…" The officer paused, clearly holding back another laugh. "…handling your business."
Jacob's heart dropped as his body broke into a cold sweat. His mouth opened, but no words came out.
Officer Mike didn't wait for him to respond. "We suspect the murderer is the criminal we've been chasing. The scene indicates a quick, brutal attack. If you were just a few seconds earlier—or if they'd seen you—well…" Mike's voice trailed off ominously, letting Jacob fill in the rest.
Jacob gulped, his imagination running wild with images of what could've happened. The thought of how narrowly he'd avoided death made his chest tighten.
Mike continued, "While investigating, we found you unconscious in the stall." He hesitated, his lips quirking upward. "To be honest, it was… memorable."
Jacob groaned inwardly, wishing the ground would swallow him whole.
But then something struck him. "Wait, Lizardball X? Isn't this supposed to be the premiere of The Mewvengers?"
Mike frowned. "The what?"
Jacob blinked in disbelief. "You're kidding, right? The Mewvengers! The greatest superhero movie franchise of all time?"
Mike crossed his arms, unimpressed. "Never heard of it. Sounds dumb." He shrugged dismissively. "The Lizardball series, though? That's peak entertainment."
Jacob's jaw dropped. What in the ever-loving hell was Lizardball? He shook his head, deciding not to waste his energy arguing with a man who clearly lived under a rock.
"Whatever," Jacob muttered, rolling his eyes. "So… what happens now? Am I a suspect or something?"
Mike's expression turned serious again as he pulled out a small notebook. "That depends," he said, flipping it open. "Can you tell me what happened in the restroom?"
Jacob hesitated, trying to piece together the chaotic sequence of events. "Honestly? I don't know much. I heard some loud bangs—maybe once, maybe twice—and then… nothing. I blacked out."
Mike frowned, his pen hovering over the page for a moment before he jotted something down. "You didn't see anyone? Anything unusual?"
Jacob shook his head. "No. To be fair, I was kind of… preoccupied." He gave an awkward cough, the memory of his frantic bathroom dash fresh in his mind.
The officer nodded, closing his notebook with a snap. "Alright, we'll leave it at that for now. If you remember anything, no matter how small, call me."
Mike handed Jacob a business card, then turned to leave.
Jacob stared at the card in his hand, muttering, "Seriously?" as the officer disappeared through the door.
The room fell silent, but Jacob barely had time to process everything before his phone buzzed on the bedside table. Grabbing it, he saw a text from Mason.
[Mason: Dude, are you awake yet? What a pity you missed Lizardball X's premiere. It was totally epic!]
Jacob stared at the message, his confusion deepening. Lizardball X again? Why was everyone talking about that? Wasn't he at The Mewvengers premiere?
"What the hell is happening?" Jacob muttered, running a hand through his hair.
He tossed the phone aside, but as it landed on the bed, something caught his eye. His heart skipped a beat.
The logo on the back of his phone was different. Where the familiar bitten apple symbol should've been, there was now… a half-bitten banana.
"Wait, wait, wait, what the actual fuck?" Jacob whispered, his blood running cold.