Dearest Mother,
I got to ride the bus alone for the very first time ever. It was honestly kind of fun. My first day's journey to a new life is yet to be finished. I know I'll make it through to the end. I was able to eat something this morning, so I have all the energy I need to get through the day and be successful. You'll see.
Kathryn
I didn't know much about how to navigate around Charlotte other than the areas I memorized whenever the family would drive out somewhere. And thanks to that, I knew my way to the nearest strip mall, where there was a Food Lion and three gas stations nearby. Once I made the long, quiet and peaceful walk out of the neighborhood to the main road, it was just a straight shot down Plaza Extension, the very long, curvy road that would be the beginning of my journey to freedom, to the strip mall and such.
As I was walking, I thought about my life and who I wanted to be. For starters, I was definitely changing my name. No way was I identifying myself as the monstrosity of a made-up name my damn father gave me. "Kathryn" is the closest and most logical alternative to that nonsense of a name. Although, it would take a very long time for me to actually legally change my name, regardless, for the time being, I absolutely refuse to be called by that name. Kathryn is who I am.
And secondly, I intended to be focused and successful on all of my endeavors, especially now that I have so many opportunities to do what I want. I can pursue my hobbies, such as drawing and designing things, without being constantly compared to someone else. I can study and learn as much as I want about Asian culture without getting shamed and bullied for it. And best of all, I could be my best, positive self, and stand out from everyone else.
I also thought about whether or not to keep my faith as a Jehovah's Witness. Now that I actually had some quiet time to myself to really think about this comprehensively, I decided that I would keep my faith. After all, the witnesses aren't generally awful people. My father just happened to be a fake one who only used the religion as a means to control everyone. Moreover, every group has its bad apples, unfortunately. And if God is really as caring and just as He is taught to be, then He will eventually deal with such a want-to-be god as my father.
At the same time, however, I felt a bit hypocritical about this. How could I keep my faith and love God when I didn't even love and care for my own sisters? No matter how hard I tried, after everything I've been through, I just couldn't bring myself to care about them that much. I never even asked to have so many of them. Moreover, I didn't understand loving someone just because someone tells you to, and it frustrated me to no end each time my mother had another child because that meant being forced to love yet another person just to be considered good. I thought love was supposed to come naturally for people. And it did for me, but only for my only baby brother.
Needless to say, there are a lot of confusing and seemingly contradicting things about the faith I grew up in. The older I got, the more certain questions began popping into my head, such as, "how is life a 'gift' for us humans when the only way we would be allowed to enjoy it is if we serve and worship someone else, just to be denied such a miracle of life if we were to refuse to serve that person?" and "what about the few good people in the world who don't serve God? would they be denied life as well just because they don't worship Him?". And the fact that God has allowed my father to abuse me and my mother and use this religion against everyone in the family for so long is another confusion in itself. Why must people suffer so much for someone who's supposed to care for the very beings He created?
The more I thought about this on my walk, the more overwhelmed and confounded I became about this matter. In the end, I instead decided to just stick to the basic, common-sense principles that came with being raised as a Jehovah's Witness. Simple things like treating people how you want to be treated, not abusing alcohol, and being kind to others are things everyone in the world should be doing, and I was at least willing to be among the ones in the world who do. I just really wanted to finally put my past behind me for the time being and forget everything, and that's exactly what I would do. I'd figure out how I felt about God later.
The walk to the shopping plaza was considerably longer than getting there by car, obviously. Yet my legs and feet weren't getting tired for such a long walk. If anything, my shoes were getting mildly soaked from the morning dew and water from sprinklers around some of the residential areas I passed. In the end, despite the length of the walk, I found it quite peaceful.
I got to see the sun gradually rising in the clear, bright blue sky. And the morning air smelled great. Also, I was greeted by one person who was walking in the opposite direction, likely on her way home to one of the neighborhoods I had already passed.
I wasn't quite worried about this as much, but I soon realized that the threat of me getting kidnapped or worse seemed a bit surprisingly low for me to be walking alone on such a lonely road. Yet, the closer I got to the shopping plaza where the busier part of civilization was, the safer and happier I felt, knowing that I was also getting closer to the freedom I always wanted.
At long last, after a walk that seemed to take hours, I arrived at the all too familiar shopping plaza. I immediately went into the Food Lion to buy a bit of food for myself so I would have something on my stomach while I decided what I would do and where I would go next.
You may be wondering how I even had money in the first place with the kind of life I was living under my father's roof. Well, you see, my father kept a little chest that was usually full of things like junk, cough drops, old receipts, and cards. Additionally, the chest was also where my father would put his loose change, mainly quarters. Every now and again, when my father and mother weren't around, I would go into that chest and take a few quarters for myself so I could have money to buy small snacks and candy from the store whenever my father would allow my mother and I to go.
Since my father would occasionally give me money anyway, my mother hardly suspected anything. Eventually, my father seemed to though, but I never really got in trouble concerning that.
There came a period, however, when my father pretty much stopped sending me to the store with my mother. So, although I continued to take quarters from my father's chest, they pretty much just stayed in my hiding place due to me being unable to spend them. Little did I know that that small amount of money would assist me with starting my new life. I soon felt bad about even getting frustrated about not being sent to the store anymore.
I went inside Food Lion, already having decided on what to get for the uncertainty of the day. I shopped for bread, peanut butter and jelly, plastic eating utensils, graham crackers, bottled water, deodorant, and some wipes.
The store wasn't very busy, having seemingly just opened not too long ago, and it was for the most part quiet, with nothing but the store's music being heard. Currently, Love Song by Sara Bareilles was playing. It being one of my many favorite songs, I calmly vibed to it as I shopped.
As I was shopping, a lady appeared who recognized me as a Jehovah's Witness.
"I know you," she said, "You go to the Kingdom Hall."
"Yeah..." I said.
"How are you this morning?"
"I'm doing well. How about yourself?"
"I'm good. Thank you."
As we went our own ways, I could barely bring myself to believe that that encounter just happened. With all the restrictions my father put in place to keep me from interacting with others, I did not expect someone to recognize me so easily. How interesting.
After finally checking out my items, I left the store, on my way to one of the three gas stations across the street. I ultimately decided to go to the Quiktrip one because it had a big enough bathroom for me to freshen up a bit for the day.
Soon thereafter, I went outside to Quiktrip's seating area to open some of my purchases from Food Lion. I made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to eat for breakfast. And to wash it down, I drank a bottle of water.
Now that I'd eaten, it was time for me to decide on where to go next. There was a Jehovah's Witness who lived nearby, and I was at first set on going to her place, telling her everything that's been going on, with the bruises to prove it, and asking her if she would take me in. That plan seemed perfect at first, but what if she didn't believe me? She knows my father, after all. She knows my father's stupid facade, that is. And what if she tries to return me to that house of hell, telling my father everything that I've told her about him in the process? I could not only imagine, but also feel the consequences of that event, and the resulting kind of the day it would be for me. So, in the end, I decided to drop that idea. But I did have another one, though.
This wouldn't be the first time I was ever homeless. The entire family was homeless many times before, thanks to my father's decisions. One of those times, I was around seven years old, and we were living out of the van my father had at the time. My father had my mother sign up for food stamps so we could still eat, and at nighttime, my father would find an empty parking lot at someplace to park the van so we could all go to sleep. Eventually, at some point, my father put my mother, sisters, and I in a homeless shelter temporarily while he went out to figure things out. I remember clearly just which shelter that was. It was The Salvation Army shelter.
I don't remember on just what part of town it was, but I do know that it's definitely not within walking distance from the gas station. Therefore, the only other way I could figure out how to get there was by taking the bus. That being said, I promptly packed my food away and walked to the nearest bus stop.
As I walked there, I looked slightly behind me to ensure that there was no sign of any of my father's vehicles anywhere nearby. I definitely didn't want him looking for me in order to bring me back with him, scold me, and beat me to death, if he was even awake now, that is. And even if he was awake and just didn't care, so be it. That man has been threatening to kick me out of the house for the longest, so if anything, he should be glad I finally left.
When I arrived at the bus stop, there were a few people already there, waiting for the bus. I soon remembered that I didn't quite know how much a bus ride was, this being my first time getting on one on my own and all, so I asked one of the guys near the bus stop about it.
"I think $2.50," the guy said.
"Ok. Thanks," I responded. Now that I knew how much to pay for the bus, I got my money pouch out of one of my bags so I could be ready to pay when the bus arrived.
A few more minutes went by with me listening to parts of the conversations the people nearby were having with each other while waiting for the bus until it finally arrived. I let the other people get on first so I could take my time to ask precisely where this particular bus was going while I paid for it.
"This bus is going straight uptown," said the bus driver, "Are you a student?"
"No...," I responded. I'm guessing maybe he asked that because of the type of bags I was carrying. One of them did look like the type of bag someone who works in an office would use.
Within the next few seconds, I was given a transfer ticket by the bus driver before the bus's doors shut firmly behind me. I then found an empty row of seats where I sat comfortably by myself. And soon thereafter, the bus started moving.
I was nearly thrilled to be riding the bus by myself for the first time, and I was even more thrilled to be riding it away from the only life I ever knew...for good. As I lied my head against the window and gave a relieved sigh, I had only to hope now that the rest of this day would be just as easy as it started.