I landed in the middle of what could only be described as an interdimensional gladiator arena. You know, one of those places that screams "doomsday tournament" from every angle. The air was thick with tension, the ground scorched from the countless battles fought here. And somewhere, deep in the arena, I could hear the unmistakable sounds of combat – shouts, explosions, the occasional scream of despair. Classic.
"You've got to be kidding me," I groaned, dusting myself off as I took in the sight. This wasn't just any arena. It was an epic arena. Massive, circular, and impossibly large. It stretched for what seemed like miles, with rows of stone bleachers filled with an audience of... let's call them "cosmic tourists."
The Primordials held a tournament for every universe created, and the winner's magnitude of stats were calculated to 'soft cap' the maximum growth of any given creature in that universe, and repeat the process altogether for every universe.
As it would seem, I was thrown in the middle of one such tournament. Though, they didn't usually have audience? Eh, it was the crossroad between all dimensions and timelines. Nothing was the same, even if they were the same thing.
"Alright, Serpentine. Time to make an entrance," I muttered to myself, slipping into my best superhero stance. I threw my arms wide, spinning around like a rock star coming out on stage. "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and all you confused cosmic wanderers – welcome to the greatest show on Earth."
I paused, waiting for applause. And got... nothing. Not even a grunt.
"Okay, tough crowd," I sighed. "But hey, let's make it interesting. Don't forget – this whole event is sponsored by the Kickstarter campaign. Because why fight for glory when you can fight for backer rewards?"
And just like that, I heard the first murmurs from the crowd. Apparently, they were into it. So, I did what any sane man would do, and projected a massive hologram over my head, one that read:
https://thewheeloffaith.kckb.me/dbad82fc
I turned around to face my opponent, who was already stepping into the arena. A giant of a creature, its body made of shifting stone and magma, with glowing, fiery eyes that seemed to burn straight through me. The kind of being you don't want to meet in a dark alley, but here we were, doing battle in the most uncomfortably public way possible.
A Fire Giant crossed with an Iron Golem. A hybrid, that is. One of the rarer races on the wheel.
"Great," I said, cracking my knuckles. "A walking fire hazard."
The creature growled, a deep rumbling sound that seemed to shake the ground. If this was a fight for my life, I'd say I was in deep trouble.
But hey, nothing new there.
"I'll admit," I said, glancing around, "The arena's a little too... dramatic for my taste. But I've got bigger plans. Way bigger plans." I gave a thumbs-up to the crowd. "And I'm not going down without a fight. So, while you're all enjoying the show, don't forget: if you back the Kickstarter, you get exclusive rewards for this tournament. Yup. Limited edition digital content! And... oh, what's that? We just unlocked an extra tier? That's right, folks! More content! More lore! More exclusive action!"
The giant fiery creature didn't seem to appreciate my promotional skills. It took a deep breath, and before I could even blink, it hurled a massive coagulation of magma – did he just vomit that out? – straight at me. I barely had time to blink, let alone dodge.
"Okay, okay," I mumbled, tapping into my powers. "Time to use the good stuff, pun fully intended."
I activated my Chrono Grace – a little Holy Power boost that lets me accelerate or stop time within a limited space. Time slowed down around me, and the fireball that had been heading for me in slow motion now seemed like it was crawling toward me in slow-mo.
"How slow is this thing?" I grinned. "I mean, I'm gonna miss the Kickstarter ads, but we're definitely getting the full slow-motion effect."
I sidestepped the firebarf with ease, letting it pass by me as if I were just strolling through a park on a Sunday.
Then, in the same moment, I extended my hand, tendrils of voiden black constricting my arm, the appendages weaving themselves into shape as a symbiotic scythe of absolution formed in my hands.
"Alright, magma-head. You're about to be the highlight of my next Kickstarter update."
I swung the scythe in a wide arc, and the void scythe cut through the air with a speed and precision the hybrid hadn't expected. The creature reeled back, clearly not expecting the weapon of void to slice through its stone skin.
"Didn't see that coming, huh?" I taunted, circling around it, keeping my distance. "Bet you didn't think you'd be getting a free demo of the new anime weaponry. You can't even get that unless you back the Kickstarter, you know?"
The creature roared and swung its massive fist at me, but I dodged with a flip, landing lightly on my feet.
This was the part where I normally get a little too cocky. But hey, if you can't gloat when you're in a fight for your life, when can you?
I charged forward, scythe positioned, dodging the beast's massive swipes. One more hit, I thought, and this thing's done.
Just as I was about to strike the finishing blow, I felt a shift in the air.
And then, a voice boomed from above.
"Enough!"
The crowd quieted. The arena itself seemed to hold its breath as a new figure descended from the sky – an old man with a flowing, white beard and robes that shimmered like starlight.
"Who the heck is this guy?" I muttered, raising an eyebrow.
The old man landed with a thud, sending a shockwave through the ground. "You think you've won?" he intoned, his voice carrying an ominous power. "You think this tournament is just for fun? You are mistaken, Serpentine. There are consequences for your meddling."
Oh right. He wasn't technically part of the tournament. He quite literally barged in and probably screwed up the order altogether.
But still, Fate himself asked him for this. They had to count for something, right.
"Oh, man," I sighed. "Not another guy who thinks he's in charge."
The old man gave me a piercing look, and for the first time since this whole mess started, I felt a chill run down my spine.
"Your actions have ramifications, boy," he said slowly. "You've stolen from the Primordials, and they are not pleased. The tournament you find yourself in is not simply a game – it is a test. And the stakes are higher than you can imagine."
I rolled my eyes. "Really? You're gonna give me the 'you're in over your head' speech? I've had like ten of those already today."
The old man's expression remained unchanged. "You will understand soon enough. But until then, enjoy the tournament... while you can."
And just like that, he vanished, leaving me standing alone with my fiery opponent.
"Okay, well, that was... creepy," I muttered.
But hey, not my first creepy cosmic guy, and it probably wouldn't be my last.
"Well, whatever," I said, cracking my neck. "Let's finish this fight, shall we?"
With a determined grin, I charged forward once more.
But as I swung the sword for the final time, the arena itself shifted, the ground beginning to quake beneath me.
"What the–?"
The fiery creature began to collapse into itself, turning into a swirling vortex of fire and stone, like some kind of weird cosmic black hole.
"Great, now it's a portal fight." I groaned. "And you all know what that means."
That's right – Chapter Nine was coming. And in this dimension, things were about to get a lot stranger.
---
Uh, I'm 200 words behind schedule. Let's hear some fun facts to fill in the gap. All of them I made up myself, but I'll be using them in my own original novel later, unrelated from Wheel of Faith, so stay tuned!
1. Vampire Vegetarians: Vampires justify their vegetarianism by arguing that blood is a "non-meat animal product." The Kickstarter promises an exclusive "Vegetarian Vampire Cookbook" featuring recipes like "O-Negative Mocktails."
2. Werewolf Shedding: Werewolves shed excessively in human form during the full moon. The Kickstarter will fund research into enchanted lint rollers to combat this hairy issue.
3. Fairy Taxes: Fairies have to pay taxes on the magic dust they produce. The Kickstarter will launch a campaign for "Tax-Free Tinkerbell Rights."
4. Zombie Coffee Addiction: Zombies drink coffee to offset their brain cravings. A Kickstarter stretch goal will release a line of "Undead Roast" coffee blends.
5. Dragon Hoarding Scandal: Dragons have started hoarding NFTs instead of gold. The Kickstarter includes an add-on campaign to reclaim "traditional hoarding values."
6. Ghost Gym Memberships: Ghosts maintain ectoplasmic fitness through memberships at spectral gyms. The Kickstarter funds will support opening "GhostFit" franchises across the multiverse.
7. Mermaid Business Ventures: Mermaids operate the most successful underwater sushi chain. A Kickstarter perk includes vouchers for "Poseidon's Platters."
8. Elf Unionization: Elves have begun unionizing to demand equal pay for archery skills. The Kickstarter aims to develop "Fair Trade Arrows."
9. Demon Influencers: Demons are now running TikTok trends. Pledge to the Kickstarter for a chance to collaborate with Bushin's "Chrono Grace Dance Challenge."
10. Angel Bureaucracy: Angels require three forms of divine permission to visit Earth. The Kickstarter will fund a documentary exposing celestial red tape.